Digest for Tuesday, March 11, 2003

There are 12 messages totalling 528 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Thousands of Iraqis Anticipate Being Liberated From Their Lives
  2. Job Interview
  3. "This is a good bra," MrsPerfesser said upliftingly.
  4. Brrrrr......]
  5. Barber Shop Politics
  6. George Ws Dog: American Inenuity (Offensive to Al quaida)
  7. March 11th ~ Eat An Apple Day
  8. Breaking news
  9. Bringing Religion To Bears
  10. France bashing
  11. Instructions
  12. This Weeks News In Brief


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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 02:02:23 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Thousands of Iraqis Anticipate Being Liberated From Their Lives

Baghdad - For decades, Iraqi citizens have been living lives of intense subjugation, under
the vicious regime of Saddaam Hussein.  If, as now seems likely, the U.S. and a coalition
of willing partners goes to war with Iraq, that life of tyranny will be over for thousands
of Iraqis.  Because they will be dead.

President Bush, in his state of the union address, said that the day Saddaam falls would
be a day of liberation for Iraqis.  And indeed, as the bombs fall, thousands of Iraqis
will never have to worry about Saddaam Hussein again.  There may be a brief transition
wherein their scattered limbs and entrails are of some concern, but as the blood stops
flowing to their brains, these lucky Iraqis will finally attain freedom from everything.

"I so look forward to being blown to kingdom come," said Baghdad shop owner Helmid Ariz,
"I've got friends who are looking forward to being refugees and camping out and such, but,
since I have to keep my shop going, here in downtown Baghdad, I really hit the jackpot.
Freedom here I come!"

Said Hiram Awad, a math teacher, "What greater tyranny is there than life itself?  When
America attacks, you'll see me dancing in the streets of Baghdad.  Well, maybe not
dancing, but my twisted corpse will be bouncing around with all the other flying rubble.
My arms and legs flopping around might look like dancing, in a macabre sort of way."

Awad was less certain about the opportunities for freedom should he survive a U.S.
invasion.  "Democracy?  When are they planning on holding elections?  Finally, the Shiites
will get some voice in government?  I guess anything will be better than being ruled by
some quasi-military leader from the Baaths.  I mean, they don't even represent most
Iraqis."

When it was explained that most likely a U.S. general would be leading a fractious Iraq
for some years to come, Awad became more philosophical.  "Oh, well, I don't need to worry
about that.  I'll probably be dead.  Free at last!"
__
by Dan Kilian
© Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 01:05:41 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Job Interview

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the
job interviewer.

"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On
my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was
responsible."

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 05:08:17 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: "This is a good bra," MrsPerfesser said upliftingly.

MrsPerfesser was telling her friend Farnulia how much she hates
that "newfangled" support pantyhose.

"Well, I just don't like them," said dear old MrsPerfesser. "Every
time I let out a little gas, I blow my danged slippers off!"

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Dear Diary,

MrsPerfesser tells me I forget things, but I think she's
cuckoo...
I can't remember a single thing she says I've forgotten.

            - The Old Perfesser

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old and MrsPerfesser decided they wanted to renew their wedding
vows, and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details
with their friends.

MrsPerfesser wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown this time,
and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. Her
friend Verniece asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
MrsPerfesser replied, "Silver."

At that point, the old perfesser chimed in, "Yep, silver - to match
her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at the old perfesser's bald spot, Verniece
said, "So, perfesser, I guess you're going barefoot?"





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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 06:42:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Brrrrr......]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every  summer in Miami for a
vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's  shivering and
shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you  shaking so badly?" The
first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a
guy on a  Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "Thats the  worst way to travel. Try
what
I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle into her
pubic hair where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I
can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will
give
it a try next summer.

A year goes by.....

When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly  as you said. I went to the
New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 05:52:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Barber Shop Politics

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks the
barber about his bill. "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am
doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You
card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. Later a cop comes in for a
haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies: "I am
sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service this week.

" The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber
goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You card and a dozen donuts waiting
at his door.

A Democrat comes for a haircut and when he asks the barber what he owes,
the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing
community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to
open his shop, a dozen Democrats are lined up waiting for a haircut.

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 06:42:58 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: George W's Dog: American Inenuity (Offensive to Al quaida)

[Source unknown. Forwarded to me by a friend]
George Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rotweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. After 5 years they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Basset Hound. Every one felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog would possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Basset Hound came out of its cage and
slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Basset, but when it got close enough to bite the Basset's neck, the Basset opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of the entire dog. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a Basset Hound!"

God Bless American Ingenuity !!!!




---------------------------------
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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 06:55:30 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 11th ~ Eat An Apple Day <ADULT>

Johnny Appleseed (John Chapman), who planted apple trees all over the old
Northwest Territories, died on March 11, 1847. He was born on September 26,
1774, in Leominster, Massachusetts. Also known as Johnny Appleseed Day.
Remember: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

AN APPLE A DAY
A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying,
"Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that is a lot of money so he decides to go
see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these
apples are 5 bucks each?"

The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer
hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's
great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly
apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and
exclaims, "Son of a gun - jelly! These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then
sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the
farmer and asks, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says,
"Let me guess  - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says, "You got it."

The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese."

Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third
sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up
with these apples.

Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with
these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that, "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like
shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 15:43:37 -0000
From:    John Habkirk <j.habkirk@TEAMWORKS.DE>
Subject: Breaking news

Reuters: 11th March 2003-03-11

US Announces plans to invade France to destroy Weapons of Mass Destruction.

President Bush today announced a new threat to world peace, and the
America's intention to put on hold it's proposed invasion if Iraq in favour
of an attack on a country deemed to be much more of a threat to World Peace.

France has been identified as holding many Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD)
which the President says “Must be destroyed to ensure the continuance of
world order, peace and tranquillity.”

Secretary of State Colin Powell said “We cannot sit idly by whilst France
exports it's weapons of terror around the world. The infamous Garlic
mountain must be neutralised, and the Bogus Asylum Seekers marshalling yards
are a Clear and Present Danger to our 51st state (sorry, I mean the United
Kingdom).

All US forces have been ordered to about face and head for Paris with all
due haste to ensure the infamous Jac (I'm not a criminal, it was all my own
money honest) Chirac does not evade capture and flee to the other new “Axis
of Evil” country formerly known as Russia.

The President further denied that this war was about Oil, and said “If the
French want to make deals with despotic leaders that's up to them, but we
draw the line at Germany”

Tony Blair was heard barking in the back parlour…………………….




 squiffy :O)

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 11:49:01 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bringing Religion To Bears

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as
chaplains and got together two or three times a week for coffee
and to talk "shop".

One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided
to do a seven day experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear and preach to it.

It's now seven days later and they're all together to discuss the
experience.  Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages goes first.

"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th'
wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read
to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted
naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick
grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as
gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him
fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm
and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.  In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers ....you KNOW that
we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to
do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle.

We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we
come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul.
An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest
of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed.
He's in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running
in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is
until you try to circumcise one of those hairy creatures."

[Thanks to Tom Kettleman]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 08:52:27 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: France bashing<off to french>

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these =
drawbacks=20
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
--Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
--Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
--Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
--Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any =
better,=20
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in =

Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than =

sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the=20
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the =

face for it."
--John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he =
hates=20
America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get =
Saddam=20
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of=20
France!"
--Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into =
Paris=20
under a German flag."
--David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One, he holds =
the=20
bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
-- Anon

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 2003 20:36:26 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Instructions

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a customer's
home.  The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center
of town go two lights.  Look for the post office.  Turn left onto the next street.
Go 1.3 miles.  Drive past a red hydrant and then take the next right.  Go 50
yards.  My driveway in the second on the right, and the number is on the
mailbox.
  As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your
house?"
  The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold no.  I'll go check."



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Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 2003 01:38:50 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Bush Orders Iraq To Disarm Before Start Of War

WASHINGTON, DC—Maintaining his hardline stance against Saddam Hussein, President Bush
ordered Iraq to fully dismantle its military before the U.S. begins its invasion next
week.  "U.S. intelligence confirms that, even as we speak, Saddam is preparing tanks and
guns and other weapons of deadly force for use in our upcoming war against him," Bush said
Sunday during his weekly radio address.  "This madman has every intention of firing back
at our troops when we attack his country."  Bush warned the Iraqi dictator to "lay down
[his] weapons and enter battle unarmed, or suffer the consequences."


'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged

CORDELE, GA—For the 15th year in a row, Cordele has retained the title of "Watermelon
Capital of the World"—despite a clear lack of evidence that its melons are the biggest,
best, or most abundant.  "We really expected Knox City, TX, to step up to the plate this
year and give us a run for our money," said Mona Simmons, president of the Cordele-Crisp
Chamber of Commerce.  "Thankfully, they seem content just being the Seedless Watermelon
Capital of the World."


Abusive Husband Was Himself Abuser As Child

JACKSON, MS—Psychiatric evaluations of wifebeater Jimmy Pellett, 33, indicate that he
himself was abusive as a child, doctors reported Tuesday.  "Since the age of 3, Mr.
Pellett has been the perpetrator of countless acts of violence against his parents,
siblings, and other neighborhood children," Dr. William Traschel said.  "Sadly, the
beatings and emotional terror he inflicted as a child led him to more beatings as an
adult.  Just another textbook case of the abuser growing up to be the abuser."


Man Offered Cocaine By Guy He Met At Urinal 90 Seconds Ago

NEW YORK—A minute and a half after using a urinal at the Manhattan hotspot Bungalow 8
Monday, Gerard Bouchard, 25, was offered cocaine by the stranger voiding his bladder next
to him.  "As I'm leaving the restroom, the sweat-soaked guy I was pissing next to says,
'Sure is crowded, but, hey, lots of hot chicks and you can't go wrong with that, right?
Want a bump?'"  Bouchard said.  "I guess I didn't realize that taking your penis out near
someone makes them your good friend."  Bouchard declined the man's generous offer,
bypassing a chance to strengthen their urinating-in-close-proximity bond.


White House Pretty Sure Uzbekistan Diplomat Stole A Bunch Of Soap

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a weekend visit by Otkir Halilov, Uzbekistan's Minister of
Foreign Affairs, White House officials are "90 percent sure" that the visitor made off
with a bunch of soap and other assorted sundries.  "I don't want to start an international
incident, but I'm pretty sure Otkir swiped four or five bars from one of the upstairs
bathrooms," said White House chief of staff Andrew Card at a press conference Monday.
"Either he wanted a souvenir or they just can't get that kind of stuff back home."  Also
missing were an embroidered towel, a box of Kleenex, and two miniature cans of Edge
shaving gel.


        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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