Digest for Monday, March 10, 2003

There are 14 messages totalling 650 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Nigeria Thanks U.S. Internet Donors For New Gold Paved Streets
  2. Lauras Poetry Symposium?
  3. Lifesavers....What Flavour Is This???
  4. Kids!!!
  5. The errant auto
  6. Americas Founding Fathers
  7. SOCRATES, WISE OR STUPID
  8. Temptation
  9. Oregon Metro Recycling Information hotline
  10. Play It Where It Lies
  11. short&long sentence
  12. March 10th ~ Alexander Graham Bell Day
  13. Logging
  14. Hansel and Grendel - An Olde English fairy tale


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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 02:03:01 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Nigeria Thanks U.S. Internet Donors For New Gold Paved Streets

Abuja, Nigeria  During a festive ribbon cutting ceremony Monday, Mr. Mbeki F. Grote an
executive accountant with the Dept. of Finance of Mineral Resources and Energy, took the
time to thank generous American internet donors for helping to disperse account payments
in excess of Twenty One Million, Five Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars ($21,500,000.) in a
most discreet manner, thus allowing them to build schools, equip hospitals and build a
shiny new gold-paved road through the center of town.

"Thank you America!  Thank you for trusting us with your bank routing number and thank you
for the gift of gold plated bricks.  It's a miracle!"

The "miracle" was further assisted by a heartfelt plea from Mrs. Amadika Makoni, the wife
of the Late Benson Makoni, who was murdered in a famous land dispute in Zimbabwe.
Apparently, Makoni was trying to get her husband's money back after he was murdered in
cold blood by the agents of the ruling government of President Robert Mugabe for his
alleged support and sympathy for the opposition party.

"Yes, that's right," Makoni said as she led a marching band and parade through the center
of town.  "My rich husband was murdered and prior to his death he deposited the sum of US
$15.8 Million (Fifteen Million Eight Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) with a
private security company, sensing the looming danger in Zimbabwe.  And I couldn't find
anyone that would help get his money, except the brave and generous Americans.  God bless
you."

How that affected the Nigerian claim or why it necessitated a stranger to transfer the
account is very complicated, according to Makoni.

"Didn't you hear what I said?  There was this giant pile of money from a safe...and it was
a big, big pile of money... and then I couldn't get it...so I needed a brave American.  We
are so blessed.  Please excuse me."

When pressed for further explanation, Makoni suddenly felt "lightheaded" and promised to
reply to questions and discrepancies by email at a later date.

According to several anonymous government workers who were "fully authorized to distribute
the funds," they began the internet campaign using the top secret code "urgent and
confidential" to target only a few specific, hand-picked individuals.

"Yes, only people we could trust," Mr. Grote said as he handed out Sony DVD players to
eager locals.  "Rich, smart computer people who won't try to be greedy and steal the $100
million U.S. dollars-- I mean $25 million.  What did I say?  You know -- whatever I said
in the email.  I'm just delirious with excitement over our town's new shiny streets!  I
have to go."

In addition to new gold plated streets and Sony DVD players, Nigerian citizens were each
given a gift pack loaded with jewelry and imported foods and then treated to a performance
by the recently reunited Jackson 5 in the brand new soccer stadium.

Strangely enough, there's not a computer in sight.
__
Copyright  2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 05:03:30 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Laura's Poetry Symposium?

Twas Bushlig,
And the slithey Roves
did spin and simbol on the tube,
All cheney were the Patrilogues
and the Corpgrafts outre.

Beware the JabberJock the son
his cause to smite install'd perchance.
Beware the Rumrum urge to fun
with handshakes from the past.

He took his Nato sword in hand,
a long viagred foe was sought
and putin'd he by a crawford tree
and wondered what was thought.

As in oafish thought he brood
the JabberJock with tie of blue
came whiffeling to the UN too
with Guernica wrapped and tame.

Forty one plus two
boo hoo boo hoo
the Nato blade went eurothwack
He's left no cred that grimacing head
can liberally yell attack.

An hast thou slain the ultra hawk?
Scooter yer clubbies via rightish blog
raptures the way
frist lott delay.

Twas Bushlig,
And the slithey Roves
did spin and simbol on the tube,
All cheney were the Patrilogues
and the Corpgrafts outre.


                - Sean Malloy





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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 05:31:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Lifesavers....What Flavour Is This???

 A College professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
 graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children
lifesavers and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. As
the  children tasted  each one, they said:

"Red..................cherry",

"Yellow...............lemon",

"Green................lime",

"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After sucking on
them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father. One little girl looked up in horror, spit
her Lifesaver out and yelled......."Everybody, spit them out, they're
asshole's!!!

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 06:25:06 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Kids!!!

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout
from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

------
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to
my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago'."

--------
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

--------
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During
Her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
Answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."

--------
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

============================================================

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she
said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

================================================================

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!"

====================================================================

DRESS~UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next
morning."


DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be
unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes."


SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't
let me talk!"


BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 04:40:04 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The errant auto

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it
broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

  "What happened this time?" he asked.

  "My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

  "Where are you?" John asked.

  "I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

  "And where's the car?" John asked.

  "It's right here, with me."

[From Richard Sissel on INSOMNIACS]

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 07:06:55 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: America's Founding Fathers

I've come to the conclusion that America's Founding
Fathers were all wrong. Seems to me they should
have fought for representation without taxation

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 07:05:10 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: SOCRATES, WISE OR STUPID

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One
day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know
what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like
you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it
might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now
let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to
tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but
you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because
there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really," said the man.

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor
good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It
also explains why he never found out his best friend was sleeping with his
wife.

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 06:23:09 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Temptation

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was
lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the
class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to
ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
---
The principal function of the month of March is to use
up the Winter weather that wouldn't fit in February.

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 15:29:37 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Oregon Metro Recycling Information hotline

Here's a list of questions phoned in to the Portland, Oregon Metro
Recycling Information hotline.

Where can I recycle 600 dresses, several dozen bottles of Jim Beam, a
30-year-old box of Howdy Doody ice cream cones and a few dozen wigs?

How can I recycle a couch soaked with blood?

How do I dispose of "household" dynamite?

Do you have a safe pesticide for the bug burrowing a hole in my
husband's arm?

What should I do with 100 breast implants that have been removed and
preserved in formaldehyde?

Can someone from the government come out to my house and smell my
living room?

Where can I get a permit to burn my house down?

How can I dispose of five semi trucks full of inedible marshmallows?

What happens when you cut a worm in half?

How can I recycle guinea pig droppings?

What do I do with a 10-year-old pile of manure?

     ---From The Edge, The Oregonian

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 11:29:09 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Play It Where It Lies

Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-
play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.

Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on
the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight
down the middle.

"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."

"Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies."

And so Bill did.

After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill
took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly
from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice
swings.

Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous
shot only 3 feet from the pin.  As the two meet in the fairway,
Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?"

"Your 6 iron," says Bill.

[Thanks to AHIO]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 07:27:32 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: short&long sentence

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the=20
English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence.

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 10:13:58 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 10th ~ Alexander Graham Bell Day

In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell transmitted the first successful phone message
when he said to his assistant, "Mr. Watson, Come here!" Bell was born on
March 3, 1847, in Scotland. He received a patent on the telephone on March
7, 1876.

THE WRONG NUMBER
Phone Won't Stop Ringing?  --  Here's What You Do.

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But
unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired
almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her.
Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case
to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it could not change its
stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just
because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't
make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to
take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and
asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How
many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two
bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the
10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would
take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be
necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch
the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when
a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would
be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The
mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral
arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola
was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend
that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties
and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel
might go bankrupt. Her phone rang and an executive from Marriott said,
"We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
(A fantasy satire by Art Buchwald, in The Washington Post, 1987)
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 19:02:01 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Logging

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  Monday morning in our logging camp would often find us a few men short
of a full crew because of weekend celebrations.  One such day our boss was
short-tempered when the logs were coming in too slowly.
  "Get the lead out down there and get those logs moving," he shouted down
the hill where work was going on.
  A lone voice came back up from the brush.  "Can't man.  I'm the only one
down here."
  "Well, then," the boss hollered, "spread out!"



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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 23:18:20 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Hansel and Grendel - An Olde English fairy tale

HANSEL AND GRENDEL lived in the old oak woods with their father, a kindly woodcutter, and
their mother, a gigantic evil monster with claws and fangs.  Hansel took after his father,
while Grendel took after her mother.  One day a hero passing through the forest slew their
mother, so the woodcutter decided to remarry.  His new bride was a bitter woman and she
didn't like Hansel and Grendel.  After many months of extremely tense and unpleasant
mealtime conversations, she took the woodcutter aside.

"Husband, it's been a very lean year for us.  I don't think we can afford to feed the
family, especially with Grendel eating forty pigs a day."

"You are right," the woodcutter sighed.  "We all must tighten our belts and learn to do
more with less."

"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of taking the children into the forest and
leaving them to die."

"No, no, I could never do that!"

"Oh, come on."

"Well, if it's really important to you."

The next morning, the woodcutter awoke with a heavy heart, as he did every morning,
because he had a megalocardiac condition.  He led Hansel and Grendel deep into the forest,
where he lied to them about their fate in a pathetically transparent fashion and ran away.

"Hansel, what are we going to do?  How will we ever find our way home?" Grendel asked.

"Don't worry, Grendel, I suspected something was afoot, so I left a trail of breadcrumbs."

"Oh, that's what those were for.  I ate them."

"Don't tell me you ate the trail of roast pigs as well!"

Grendel nodded, ashamed.

"This is terrible!  Now we are sure to starve to death in the forest, unless you are
somehow able to capture some wildlife with your razor-sharp claws and lightning-fast
reflexes!"

"Wait, Hansel!  Perhaps all is not lost!  Look!  A house made out of candy!"  Hansel and
Grendel could hardly believe their eyes.

"Grendel!  What a delicious feast that house would make, if only we weren't diabetic."

"Yes, it's really too bad.  Let's keep moving, for there is sure to be a house made of
broccolini nearby."

But what Hansel and Grendel did not know is that they had wandered into a planned
community that was zoned only for candy houses.  Although legislation was advancing in the
city council that would allow for vegetable houses and vitamin supplement houses, it was
sure to stall in committee for several months at least.

They continued on, eventually finding themselves in 10th-century Denmark, in the realm of
the mighty king, Hrothgar.  They stood in awe of his rough yet majestic castle, which was
made entirely of candy.

"What is it with the candy already?" asked Grendel.

"Let's get out of here.  This place gives me the creeps."

Suddenly, a strapping young man emerged from, um, a box or something.  "Halt, beast!  I am
Beowulf!  I slew your mother, and I shall slay you, too!"

Grendel gasped as Hansel, who was quite upset at this remark, slapped Beowulf with a
wrongful death suit that pretty much bankrupted him.  And then they threw him in an oven,
just for spite.

With Beowulf slain, Grendel ran excitedly to explore the castle.  Hansel followed, finding
gold, precious jewels, and thousands of Danish soldiers with their heads recently bitten
off.  Hansel and Grendel filled their pockets with as many jewels and heads as they could
carry and trotted back into the woods to find their way home.

"How will we ever figure out how to get back, Hansel?"

"I don't know.  I guess we'll just have to wander around aimlessly and hope that, by an
incredible coincidence, we just happen to stumble across the correct path."

But they never did.

Eventually they settled down in North Carolina and used the jewels as a down payment on a
Dairy Queen franchise (Note: possible translation error here).


        [ Copyright 2003 Modern Humorist, Inc. ]

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