Digest for Sunday, March 09, 2003

There are 11 messages totalling 415 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. A Benny Hill Tribute to Mister Rogers
  2. Sunday School at the Church Of Chuckles
  3. I hope you get a grin out of this one
  4. A New Holiday......
  5. March 9th ~ False Teeth Day
  6. Eggs
  7. cybersex
  8. Marriage license
  9. Once again the U.S. Supreme Court may rescue George W. Bush
  10. The Adoption
  11. Cupids Dear John Letter Generator < adult >


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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 02:02:35 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: A Benny Hill Tribute to Mister Rogers

There was once a kindly neighbor named Fred
On the telly he did roam
For 30 odd years, he chased away fears
Of those those poor lads neglected and alone

His show is now cancelled
And tis sad to see the ol' bloke pass
He built many a lad's esteem, by making it seem
Like anyone gived a rat's ass

The Gen X'ers now mourn him
While others may have thought him silly
But in heaven he'll reign, with Lady Elaine
Where he'll make a speedy delivery!

(short instrumental break and dance number)

Fred was never an overt romancer
And at times was rumoured to be a nancer
But the soft sweatered one did sire two sons
‘Fore he died of ye ol’ stomach cancer

Now he's enjoying wearing sneakers on clouds
And his quest he’ll no longer belabour
For Jim Morrison, Jimi and Kurt Von Cobain
Implore, “Won’t you be our neighbor?”

Mister Rogers is finally at rest
And telling the lads please don't grieve me
Even though he's dead, he's building a four post bed
to share with Mr. McFeely!
__
Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 06:28:08 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sunday School at the Church Of Chuckles  <prob. blasphemous>

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty
during the week, that her mother decided to give her the
worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to
the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh
and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she
could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of
gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the
picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed
for rain!"


****************
Give us this day our deli bread...





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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 06:10:32 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: I hope you get a grin out of this one

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he
hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch
and report any activities while he was gone. A few
days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE

I WATCH HOUSE

HE COME TO HOUSE.

I WATCH.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.

I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.

I CLIMB TREE.

I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE.

SHE KISS HE.

HE STRIP SHE.

SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE.

SHE PLAY WITH HE.

I PLAY WITH ME.

I FALL OFF TREE.

I NOT SEE.

NO FEE

CHEN LEE

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 07:18:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A New Holiday......

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,
shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secret...guys feel
left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the
ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a
whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is
why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created
so that your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you
love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name
of the
holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it.

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher
in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in
February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love
machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help
bring love and peace to this crazy world.

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 08:02:14 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 9th ~ False Teeth Day <ADULT>

Charles Graham, a New York dentist, received a patent for false teeth on
this date in 1822.

BETTING
A man is running short of cash in the bar, so he bets the barmaid ten bucks
that he can bite his right eye. She thinks about it for a minute and figures
it's a safe bet, so she says, "You're on." The guy pulls out his glass
eye-ball and bites it. The joke was on her and she laughs as she hands over
the ten bucks.

A little while later he offers her a chance to get her money back. He bets
her ten bucks that he can bite his left eye. She thinks about it and knowing
that he can see, thinks it's a safe bet. Once again she says, "You're on."
The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Laughingly she
pays again.

Later on he gives her a chance to get her money back. He bets her twenty
bucks, double or nothing, that he can screw her without her feeling a thing.
This is one she's sure she can win, so she takes the bet. After she gets off
work, the two of them head for the back of the bar. The guy throws her over
the hood of an abandoned car and begins ravishing her, without signs of ever
stopping.

Ecstatically she cries out, "Oooh ... I can feel it ... I can feel it!! I
win the bet!"

The guy, zipping up his pants mutters, "Oh well, I guess I win some and I
lose some."

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 13:45:24 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Eggs

Five year old Ruben is in a restaurant with his family. When it's
his turn to order breakfast he asks the waitress for eggs. She
says, "How would you like those eggs cooked?"

To which Ruben replies, "That would be great!"

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 10:22:07 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: cybersex<adult>

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the=20
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the=20
crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced=20
receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."=20

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.=20

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to=20
communicate over vast distances at high rates of=20
speed. It allows email and something called=20
cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."=20

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a=20
modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the=20
morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event=20
of nature!"=20

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client=20
can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."=20

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.=20

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of=20
information to be read off a small disk."=20

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex=20
related... Modern technology and modern society,=20
baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.=20

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society=20
these days."=20

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for=20
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."=20

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real=20
hair," replies the judge.=20

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 14:10:48 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Marriage license

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  Wanting to be married, couple came to the county courthouse in Virginia
where I work.  But they accidently walked up to the offices where hunting
licenses are sold.  "We're from out of state," said the prospective groom.
"Can we get a license?"
  The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a three-day permit."



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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 20:27:02 -0500
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Once again the U.S. Supreme Court may rescue George W. Bush <political humor>

Attorney-General John Ashcroft and Secretary of State Colin Powell are now prepared to
submit a writ to United States Supreme Court which will argue that United Nations
Security Council resolution 1441 provide sufficient grounds for the President Bush to
remove Saddam Hussein's government from Iraq. The UN Security Council will be
barred from any additional voting on this issue. Chief Justice Rehnquist has assured the
White House that the case will be heard with extraordinary speed. Highly placed sources
report that Associate Justices O’Connor, Scalia, Kennedy, and Thomas will support this
decision.

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 21:18:28 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Adoption

MayBelle and Cletis were delighted when finally their long wait
to adopt a baby came to an end.  The adoption center called and
told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple
took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the
local college to ask about night courses, Russian in particular.
After relaying the info to them, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to think about studying Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a
year or so he'll start to talk.  We just want to be able to
understand him."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 2003 00:42:30 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Cupid's Dear John Letter Generator  < adult >

        Friends!  Is silly old procrastination keeping you from
        penning the cold, heartless farewell missive which will
        finally bring your sad, pathetic, and doomed relationship
        to long-overdue closure?  Well delay no more!  Cupid's
        Dear John Letter Generator takes the mind-numbing
        drudgery of traditionally announcing your significant
        other's impending abandonment, and replaces it with an
        easy, fun, and altogether painless interactive experience!
        Go ahead - give it a try RIGHT NOW!

Dear [John] [Johanna] [Bitch] [Thimble Dick] [JELL-O Ass] [Gonorrhea Geyser] [Castrating
Harpy] [Passive Aggressive Closet Case],

By the time you read this, I'll be [gone] [long gone] [hocking your jewelry] [maxing out
your Visa] [blowing your best friend] [servicing your sister].  I'm sorry for doing this
but, [it's for the best] [you left me no other choice] [it fulfills my sadistic fantasies]
[OK, I'm really not].

I know this might comes as a bit of a [surprise] [shock] [brain aneurysm] [answered
prayer] to you - especially because [things have been going so well] [you're an emotional
cripple] [I've been hiding at the bottom of jug of Gallo] [you're such a materialistic
self-absorbed bitch] [you're too buried in porn to notice].  But I'm sorry – I just need
[space] [freedom] [a change] [hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack].  I
think you're [great] [swell] [totally keen] [a schmuck] [a psychopath], but I don't think
we're right for each other.

First of all, we're not compatible.  You're a [Leo] [Pisces] [Republican] [Scientologist]
[German Scat Aficionado], and I'm [not] [beyond that] [sensitive] [crippled by
inhibitions] [vastly superior to you].  You like [watching TV] [long walks on the beach]
[boudoir role-playing] [leather harnesses] [declawed rodentia colonics], you eat
[inorganic produce] [meat] [noisily] [with your feet] [mayonnaise-based salads]
[endangered species], and enjoy [flea markets] [televised sports] [quilting] [Aqua Velva]
[defrauding the elderly], and I don't like [any] [one] [two] [confessing my love for any]
of these things.  Your favorite movie is [Glitter] [Patch Adams] [Anything Steven Segal]
[The Bare Wench Project] [I Spit on Your Grave], and your favorite band is [Jefferson
Starship] [N SYNCH] [Whitesnake] [The Partridge Family] [Rammstein] [C&C Music Factory].
Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is?  I once asked you what color my eyes
are and you said ["Round"] ["White"] ["Shiny"] ["Greenish blue-brown"] ["Nuke me some
fucking hash browns!"].

Anyway, I want to date [other people] [everyone at your firm] [the first drunk barfly
who'll talk to me] [someone with the same sticky groinal parts as me] [an entire troupe of
Chippendales].  But you know what?  I still want to be [friends] [friends of a friend]
[acquaintances] [stalked] [dead to you].  We can totally [talk once a year] [live on
opposite coasts] [have hot & sloppy booty calls] [file restraining orders] [forget the
other is alive].  We had some good times, or so [I think] [you told me] [it looks on the
videotape (even though I'm passed out)].  But please, don't [worry] [despair] [be bitter]
[get all John Wayne Gacy] like last time.  That means no [crying] [clawing your face]
[committing arson] [holding my parents hostage] [botched suicide attempts] [spiteful
genital tattoos] this time!  And look - I won't even make an issue out of the [$100]
[$1,000] [$5,000] [$37,229] you owe me, or the fact that you [cheated on me] [totaled my
car] [punched my grandmother] [threw bleach on my face] [auctioned our love child]
[dissected my Dalmatian].

So take care of yourself - and  [good luck] [irrigate that chancre] [enjoy prison] [choke
on your own vomit] [O.D. on Botox].

[Sincerely] [Peace Out] [Yours In Contempt] [Stop Calling Me] [Eat Shit],

[ Insert Name Here ]

PS.  [I faked every orgasm] [Your box is nasty stank] [It’s barely 4 inches - much less
six] [I'll love you forever.  Call me next week]!


                [ ©2003 chickenhead productions, inc. ]

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