Digest for Saturday, March 08, 2003

There are 8 messages totalling 347 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. NASCAR Hosts Pre-Race Poetry Workshops
  2. Shipwrecked
  3. Interesting Statistics.....
  4. An attempted new beginning
  5. No-go
  6. Mens guide to dating ethnic women
  7. March 8th ~ U. S. Troops In Vietnam
  8. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 02:02:23 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: NASCAR Hosts Pre-Race Poetry Workshops

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- As prelude to the deafening roar of stock car engines, many NASCAR
enthusiasts are arriving early at the race track to prime their ears with verse.

Las Vegas Motor Speedway's parking lot has been transformed into a flourishing seminar
where devotees meet to deliberate the essential elements of poetry: meter, story, image,
symbol, idea, voice, and trope.  The names Virgil, Shakespeare and Milton are as
commonplace as Jarrett, Waltrip and Earnhardt.  And alcohol has been replaced by sparkling
water or herbal tea.

The workshops were the brainchild of racing czars Bruton Smith and Bill France Jr, who
have been collaborating on a volume of sonnets.

Participatory enthusiasm often carries over into the race itself.  It's not unusual for
rival bards to challenge each other to a "speed-verse" tournament, composing a haiku for
each lap completed by their favorite driver.  For example:

        Pit crew watches, waits;

        Tire tread and asphalt embrace.

        Sweet sigh of relief.

Most drivers themselves are keenly aware of this growing trend, some even forsaking
traditional sponsors Winston, Busch and Craftsman to court new patrons like The Discovery
Channel, Perrier and Masterpiece Theatre.

For those wishing to make reservations, this week's workshop theme night is "Totally
Tetrameter Tuesday."
 Specious World News Organization

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Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 06:18:11 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Shipwrecked  <adult>

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing
for him to do except play with himself.

After many years even that stopped.

He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved.

One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran
to the woodpile and started it afire.

He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was billowing high
in the air.

All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way.

He gets all excited and thinks, 'I am finally going to be saved!'

'The first thing I want is to take a hot shower - then they are
going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and
have a nice dinner.'

'I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her
cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body.'

'She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing
red satin panties, and I will rub them.'

With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into
his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "HA HA HA!!! I LIED ABOUT

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Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 07:24:12 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Interesting Statistics.....

85% of women think their ass is too big......

10% of women think their ass is too little......

The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have
married him anyway.

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Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 06:28:43 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An attempted new beginning

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist prays to Him.

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create
life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of
you and breath life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting... show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the
shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

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Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 08:50:27 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: No-go

  London - An 85 year-old widow is so determined not to be resuscitated against
her will by doctors that she has tattooed the words "Do Not Resuscitate" across
her chest.  Frances Polack, a former nurse, said she paid $40 for a tattoo with the instruction and a heart with a 'no-go' sign in red and blue to ensure medical staff
knew she did not want to be revived.
  "Years ago when I was nursing I could see they resuscitated so many people
they shouldn't have," Polack told the Nursing Standard magazine.  "I don't want to
die twice. By resuscitating me, they would be bringing me back from the dead only
for me to have to go through it again," Polack said.
  The white-haired pensioner who lives in the New Forest in the south of England
said she visited a local tattooist with a friend. "I don't know if I want to start a fashion
but I hope I will start a debate," she said.

+Source: Reuters, Mar. 6, 2003+

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Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 13:01:59 -0500
From:    Fred Strathmann <fstrath@STRATHMANN.COM>
Subject: Men's guide to dating ethnic women <offensive to almost all ethnic groups>

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second
Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

First Date: You pick her up, she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to
the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized
nothing is going to happen.

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Riunite, have sex
in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and
live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

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Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 16:17:40 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 8th ~ U. S. Troops In Vietnam

1965 - More than 4,000 Marines land at Da Nang in South Vietnam and become
the first U.S. combat troops in Vietnam.

With war in Iraq almost probably a definite possibility, the Armed Services
have been updating some of their most basic rules and regulations, in order
to keep the troops at their fightin'est peak...

Here, then, are the Rules Of Engagement for the U.S. Marine Corps and their
parent organization, the U.S. Navy:

1.  Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
friends who have guns.
2.  Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
3.  Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4.  If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough
nor using cover correctly.
5.  Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)
6.  If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
friend with a long gun.
7.  In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8.  If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
9.  Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when someone
pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to
beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep
your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
23. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

1.  Go to Sea.
2.  Send the Marines.
3.  Drink Coffee.
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 2003 01:37:44 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Madonna:  The envelope-pushing pop star signed a deal to pen five kids' books.  The
first is called Heather Has 10 Daddies.

2)  Martin Sheen:  NBC fears his public antiwar stance may hurt "The West Wing's" ratings.
Like a war wouldn't?

3)  "Fear Factor"  The players must slide down the face of a pyramid-shaped casino in Las
Vegas.  What's the fear?  That halfway down it'll turn into a banister?

4)  Regis Philbin talent search:  "Live!" is holding a contest to find a fill-in for Kelly
Ripa.  The winner must be able to sit in a chair.

5)  Rock and Roll Hall of fame:  The Clash and AC/DC will be inducted.  Just think about
what Pete Rose would have to do to get banned from a place like this.

6)  "Tears of the Sun"  Bruce Willis leads a small team of Navy SEALs on a dangerous,
hopeless rescue mission.  Saving Demi Moore's career.

7)  St. Patrick's Day:  His T-shirt says: "I rid Ireland of snakes and all I got was a cup
of warm green beer."

8)  Joan Lunden:  The newswoman and her husband are expecting twins via a surrogate
mother.  The hard part's getting someone else to raise them.

9)  "Let's Make a Deal"  A new version of the Monty Hall game show is now in prime time.
So this is what you bought that 32-inch flat-screen TV for?

10)  Jerry & Jessica's baby:  The Seinfelds have had another child.  Sounds like it's time
to build a bigger house.

11)  David Wells:  The Yankee left-hander says he pitched a perfect game in 1998 while he
was half drunk.  Five years later, New York fans are still feeling his hangover.

12)  Liza & David:  They'll celebrate their first anniversary with 1,200 of their nearest
and dearest.  And all of them want to hang out in the kitchen while she's trying to cook.

13)  "Return to the Batcave"  The "Batman" TV cast reunites to find the missing Batmobile.
Overheard on the set: "Adam West went to the Batroom and when he came back it was gone."

14)  "Take Me Out"  Critics love the Broadway play about a star baseball player who outs
himself.  Some say it's 'faaabulous', others say it's to die for.

15)  Oprah:  "Forbes" says she's the first African-American female billionaire.  She's
opened the door for other minority multimillionaires.

        [ Copyright  2003 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc. ]

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