Digest for Friday, March 07, 2003

There are 12 messages totalling 887 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Earthquake Safety
  2. And The Sign Said......
  3. Stupid is as stupid does
  4. Rejected Titles for Episode III
  5. RIIA Breakthrough
  6. Intended Grandchild?
  7. March 7th ~ World Day of Prayer
  8. My boss is so sex crazed
  9. Traffic Report for February 2003
  10. French Bashing
  11. Warning
  12. Official Press Conference Transcript


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 05:04:57 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Earthquake Safety

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and
being prepared for such a disaster can mean
the difference between life and death. Here
are some tips to help you and your loved ones
make it through a quake:

~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes
can respond quickly to the plight of disaster
victims in quake zones by complacently
smirking and saying, "I told you so."

~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake,
try not to own things.

~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-
tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

~ Look out your window often. If you see a large,
zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from
the horizon toward your home, step either to
the right or the left.

~ Do you have a treasured childhood toy?
Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy
bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now!


              (from MsKitty)




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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 05:27:56 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: And The Sign Said......

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take  appropriate
action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you
don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 05:49:39 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Stupid is as stupid does

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple
Choice test. (The events are actual cuts from past history. They
actually happened! Do you remember?)

 1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old
   American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver
   trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill' s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles
    to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one
    crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by
    the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:=20
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, .........I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling,
do you?

So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics
intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be
allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of
80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,
Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail,
85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former
Governors.

Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds
and other dunder headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want
to thwart common sense feel doubly ashamed of themselves. As the writer
of the award winning story Forest Gump so aptly put it, "Stupid is as
stupid does!"

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 07:49:37 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Rejected Titles for Episode III

11.  Jedi Knights III: The Movie

10.  Vader of the Lost Darth

9.  The Last Temptation of Anakin

8.  How to Lose a Fan in 10 Minutes

7.  Dude, Where's the Clone Wars?

6.  In the Shadow of Tolkien

5.  Jedi, Interrupted

4.  Dawn of the Darth

3.  Toy Story 3

2.  The Search for Plot

1.  The Sith Sense
__
(C) 2002 BBspot

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 15:49:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: RIIA Breakthrough

(Found it floating on the 'Net - MM)

RIAA BREAKTHROUGH

Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that
they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing which is
thought to be costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue.


Nicknamed "The Record," the new format takes the form of a black vinyl
disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a
specially designed turntable.

"We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can
access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Campbell. "We are
also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies
in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is
without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has
ever seen."

As part of the invention's rigorous testing process,the designers gave
some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use
file swapping software such as Limewire and Gnutella and who admit to
pirating music CDs.

Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack into the
disc's code or access any of the music files contained within it. "It's
like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flamboise, one of the testers.
"I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is
it, like, from France or something?"

In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is encoded by
physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus
translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process that
industry insiders are describing as "completely revolutionary" and
"stunningly clever."

To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special
player which contains a stylus or "needle" that runs along the grooves
on the record surface, reading the indentations and transforming the
movements back into audio that can be fed through loudspeakers.

Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format
will make file swapping much more difficult. "I've never seen anything
like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?"

As rumors that a Taiwanese company has been secretly developing a 12
inch wide, turntable -driven, needle-based, firewire drive remain
unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last, have
found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for.

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 10:04:59 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Intended Grandchild?

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying
out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.
Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front
door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so
loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your
business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-
law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just
wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the
window!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 08:48:46 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 7th ~ World Day of Prayer

The first Friday of March is celebrated as the World Day of Prayer. It's an
ecumenical event designed to reinforce bonds between peoples of the world as
they join in a global circle of prayer.

A PRAYER FOR MOMS AND DADS
 Now I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray my sanity to keep.
 For if some peace I do not find,
 I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

 I pray I find a little quiet
 Far from the daily family riot
 May I lie back--not have to think
 about what they're stuffing down the sink,
 or who they're with, or where they're at
 and what they're doing to the cat.

 I pray for time all to myself
 (did something just fall off a shelf?)

 To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
 (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

 Some silent moments for goodness sake
 (Did I just hear a window break?)

 And that I need not cook or clean--
 (well heck, I've got the right to dream)

 Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray my wits about me keep,
 But as I look around I know--
 I must have lost them long ago!
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 08:29:47 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: My boss is so sex crazed<adult>

A SECRETARY COMPLAINS ABOUT HER BOSS...

She says "My boss is so sex crazed. Every time he
comes into the office,

I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP
position,
followed by the SPREADSHEET format. I must LOAD UP his
SOFT DISK into a
HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT it in my C DRIVE and
then the A DRIVE.


Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C
DRIVE so that he
is VIRUS FREE.
Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER,
ENTER the whole
day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC
(escape) but he
caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where he started
pressing BACKSPACE,
and said "TURNOVER".

Today, many times he works without CAPS LOCK (without
"cap" or "helmet")
and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM
until he looses
his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...
This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN
SYSTEMS.

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 17:17:36 -0500
From:    Douglas Harter <douglasharter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Traffic Report for February 2003

Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a
month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to
the entire HUMOR list.  Welcome to the month of
February, 2003.

Effective with the February 2002 Traffic Report, I am stopping the
Contributor's SpotLight. With only about 20 people contributing, I
have run out of Contributors willing to be featured in the SpotLight.
It is not worth keeping it for just new Contributors.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
These are the current sites for the archives:
    humor.catweasel.org (HTML, Text, and Zip copies of
Digests and Yearly and Monthly Traffic Reports)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
           Traffic Report for February 2003

Week  Sun    Mon    Tue    Wed    Thu    Fri    Sat

 1                                               12
 2     12     9      13     11     12     11     9
 3     9      10     12     11     11     11     9
 4     11     10     14     10     13     14     12
 5     9      12     9      11     14     15
                                          Feb    Jan    Feb    Feb
                                          2003   2003   2002   2001

# Jokes for the Month:                    316    349    323    314
# days of submissions for the month:      28     31     28     28
Average Jokes per day for the month:      11     11     12     11
# Contributors for the month:             24     21     26     32
# Subscribers as of end of the month:     7649   7642   7564   6136
# Contributors as of end of the month:    621    619    618    613
# Countries as of end of the month:       87     88     88     84

The above statistics are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It
does not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.
The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belarus, Belgium, Bermuda, Brazil,
Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Cocos (Keeling) Islands,
Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Finland, France, French Southern Territories,
Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India,
Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Kenya, Korea,
Kuwait, Lebanon, Lithuania, Macau, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico,
Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Oman, Pakistan, Panama,
Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russian Federation,
Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sweden,
Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Tonga, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey,
Tuvalu, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, USA, Viet Nam, Yugoslavia,
Zambia, Zimbabwe,
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now, the Top 15 Contributors. This will show you which
Contributors are sending the most contributions of Humor each month.
Those who are posting every day are noted.

        Top 15 Contributors from 2/1/03 to 2/28/03

Contributor                                      # Posts

*Rollo Tomasi                                     28
*Paul Benoit                                      28
Les Pourciau                                      25
*Bill Stebbins                                    28
The Punk                                          27
Terry Tubman                                      27
Terry Galan                                       27
Sandy - AKA Ms Sam                                26
Grady Lacy                                        19
Randall Woodman                                   12
MICKEY HENNIGAN                                   12
Maurizio Mariotti                                 10
Fred Strathmann                                   8
Tom and Carrol                                    7
Mickey&Karen                                      6

* - Contributed Every Day
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The Humor staff is comprised of:
  Jay Harman, Listowner <jay_harman@hotmail.com>
  Larry Randall, Examiner & Rules Enforcer <larryrandall@hotmail.com>
  Doug Harter, Archivist and Traffic Reporter
<douglas.harter@humor.catweasel.org>
  Bill Edwards, Founder and Listowner Emeritus

HUMOR GOALS
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor.
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects.
Freedom of expression for contributors.
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
requirement).

HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
One contribution per day.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted.
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file.

A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended.
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To Subscribe to the Humor List:

Send an e-mail to: <listserv@listserv.uga.edu>
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
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A few of the more widely used commands:

Send an e-mail to: <listserv@listserv.uga.edu>
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
   GET HUMOR GUIDE           become a contributor
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   SET HUMOR NOMAIL          stop all mail for a temporary period
   SET HUMOR MAIL            receive humor as it is posted
   SET HUMOR DIGEST          daily collections of humor (default)
   SET HUMOR CONCEAL         conceal your address from spammers
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And finally, the one feature which has been featured in all Traffic Reports,
the contribution of Humor. Since, I am not a real regular contributor, I
will
not be providing new Humor. Instead, I will provide a joke from the
archives.
It will be at least 14 months old, so most of you won't remember it. You
will
either see the joke below or a link to the joke, not the actual joke,
although
I will provide the Subject line (Topic). Since there are now HTML versions
of
all Digests, it will point to the joke itself.

My contribution of Humor from the Archives:
This joke is too long for the Traffic Report. The link will be shown.

This joke is joke # 2 in the Digest for 5/1/00
The title of the Joke is: ITS A MIRACLE!!!! <adult>
You can read it directly on the HTML Digest for that day at:
humor.catweasel.org/Site1/Digests/H0005010.php#Joke2
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
             Doug Harter, Traffic Reporter and Archiver
                   <douglas.harter@humor.catweasel.org>

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 20:21:44 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: French Bashing <offensive to the French>

The French will only agree to go to war in Iraq after we've proven we've
found truffles there."  ---Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French....  Raise both hands if
you are French.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?  A: Nobody knows.
They've never tried.

Q: Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?  A: Germans
like to march in the shade.

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it."  ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

Q: What does the word "Maginot" mean in English?  A: "Welcome!"

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day-the description was, 'Never shot.
Dropped once"  ---Missouri Republican Rep. Roy Blunt

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam  Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret"
* Conan O'Brien

"Some members of Congress are so upset with this thing with France that
they want to impose trade sanctions against French products. They want
to ban French products like Evian. And you thought Hollywood celebrities
were against the war before....!"

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans
out of France!"  ---Jay Leno

Q: What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered
the city in WWII?  A: "Table for 100,000  m'sieur?"

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."
* David Letterman

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Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 2003 18:50:15 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Warning

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I work for an accounting firm where it's not unusual to have an IRS agent
in the office examining taxpayer records.  We try to let clients know when an
agent is present so they will watch what they say.
  One time a co-worker handed a client a note which read "There is an IRS
agent in the office."  The client scribbled a response and handed it back to
the accountant.  "I know," the client wrote.  "It's my sister-in-law."



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Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 2003 00:04:42 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Official Press Conference Transcript

        Complete Text Of President Bush's Anti-Terror Press Conference Detailing
        Terror-Circumventing War Against Terrifying Terrorists Of Terror

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 6, 2003  - 9:07 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening.  Before I get to the scary part of taking nosy questions and
hoping that Dick Cheney stops talking in this dang earpiece long enough for me to actually
hear your impertinence, I want to say a few words.

Terror.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Peace.

In fact, I'd like to say a few more words.

Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.

See? When you mix them up, it keeps the folks at home off balance and sounds like you are
saying something different without even having to memorize a new flash card.

First question: Bill? Wait - let's see what this here script says... yeah, Bill.

BILL: Mr. President, I just want to thank you for calling on me, as agreed.  I hope my
appearance on tonight's show will kick my career into high gear.  You can always count on
me, sir.  My question is: I think you're doing a great job.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you.  Fat chick in the back with the bad wig.

MISS STEVENS: Yes, Mr. President [unintelligible.]

THE PRESIDENT: Now listen little lady, my many handlers have worked me over good this week
so that I could put on a good show for you all tonight.  For example, we're trying out
this new thing where I'm not going to look directly at most of you.  My coaches were real
big on me acting as shy as a Geisha girl tonight to overcome the impression about six
billion folks are carrying around in their heads that I am something called "arrogant."
So, they've ditched that cocky cowboy thing that has served me so well and have carefully
trained me to talk tonight like a whole new person - since the old me was obviously
pissing off a whole mess of people all around the world.

So, I hope you will appreciate my new act I will be trying out on you tonight.  But just
because I've got a totally new demeanor and talk with a voice as soft and sleepy as
Pickles after her mid-morning "bonus" Xanax kicks in, don't give you all out there an
excuse to also try out new, fun voices.  I couldn't hear a dang thing you said, Missy, but
I didn't like the look on your mug when you were saying whatever it was you were saying,
so I am going to go to Robert - what was that Dick? - no, sorry, I am going to go to
Oriental type fellow on the second row.

MR. LEE: Thank you, Mr. President.  It seems that everyone knows that you have already
definitely decided to go to war with Iraq.  In fact, you made this decision a long time
ago and nothing is going to change your mind, short of a new Gallup public opinion poll.
So isn't all, this "I'm praying for peace" rhetoric simply a lie and an insult to the god
you claim to worship?

THE PRESIDENT: First of all, I never said I was "praying for peace." I said I was "praying
for a piece." A piece of Saddam's hairy asshole.  And I know you kimono-wearing rice
eaters have more gods than you have wontons, but here in America we just have three.  But
even those guys we lump together into one to make it easier to keep track of them.  And
let me tell you something, anyone who pays attention to how this whole public praying
thing works - and watches the ratio of requests to results -- knows that our Trinity God
obviously just set prayer up as some type of placebo to give folks who would talk to
themselves anyway an excuse.  So, the thing is, you know you can pray for peace without
ever having to worry about the Lord actually interfering with your secret-hush-hush
already-set-in-stone plan to go kill some Iraqi butt.  Next question.  Tom.

TOM: Congratulations on lassoing Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who was no doubt plotting to blow
up the world while crouching in a third world sewer.  My question is: how long until these
religious fanatics, who have never in the past allied themselves with their supposedly
current secular patron Saddam Hussein, unleash buckets of nuke pox on America's discount
retail warehouses?

THE PRESIDENT: I don't want to speculate.  Could be months, weeks, days... hours? Better
watch your back and vote Republican.  We're the party of protecting you, the 'with us'
people, from pain and convenience depravation.  I am here to protect you.  I won't leave
the US at the mercy of Saddam, eeeeeeevil Saddam, no sir.  Or the UN.  Or Ted Kennedy for
that matter.  September the 11th was a terrible tragedy that I somberly milk for political
gain, and I will make extra sure this time, it never happens again.  You can bet your peas
and carrots on that.  Okay, um, you - bowtie.

BOWTIE: Mr. President, what about the legions of protestors around the world who are
urging peace and, in fact, assert that America is a danger to global security as well.

THE PRESIDENT: People in free societies, or America, have the right to more or less
express their incorrect, babbling views for a brief period of time.  However, they also
have the right to wake up one morning baking in a barbwire box at the X-Ray Inn Cubano if
they don't learn when to button their fat lips.  You with that sweet smile.

MRS. PHILLIPS: Me?

THE PRESIDENT: No.  Next to you.

MR. JACOBS: Me?

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, you.  And make this a good one.

MR. JACOBS: Mr. President, as a follow up to the previous question -

THE PRESIDENT: About who has the sweet smile? Well, I may be biased when it comes to pouty
lips, but I think it's clear -

MR. JACOBS: No, Mr. President, the question from Mr. Lee.  Since most countries have the
impression that you made the implacable decision to go to war with Iraq several years ago,
don't many of our traditional allies think that you are being disingenuous when you
consult with them, pretending to care what they think and that their input will have any
effect on the final decision to go to war?

THE PRESIDENT: When did I ever give those losers the idea I give a rat's ass what they
think? If this administration has accomplished one thing in the years I have been holed up
in this White House, it is teaching folks that wear lederhosens, berets or other faggy
clothes, that I care about their opinions about as much as I care which opening Jenna gets
pierced this week.

Frankly, coming from Texas, I'm surprised it is so hard to talk folks into killing.  But
it is the diplomatic thing to do to give honored international institutions a choice.  For
example, I have given the United Nations a choice this week.  They can either rubber stamp
Dick - ur, my policy - or I'll just turn that little building they use on the East River
into a Holiday Inn.

Let me make something clear: we are going to war because I personally believe it is right
thing to do.  And if I'm not going to let Americans have a voice in that decision, I'm
certainly not going to listen to some wimpy foreigner! When I put my hands on the Bible
during my inauguration into office, I told the Lord Jesus that if I ever got a wild hair
up my ass about killing folks, I would just go with it and that any peacenik voters out
there could just choke on it.  Please hear my heart as it tells you: this administration
will not allow either foreigners or facts to stand in our way of killing us some Iraqis.

What these Krauts, Frogs, Ruskies and all the wetbacks in Latin America need to understand
is that we in America are in a better position to understand this Saddam guy and how he
thinks than they are.  You see, we own weapons of mass destruction.  And we are also going
to defy the United Nations.  So, we can really get into this guys head and beat him at his
own game.

Next question.  Comb-over guy in the old sports coat who looks like he hasn't prepared
anything.

MR. TOWNSEND: Mr. President, some are claiming that in your monomania to topple Saddam
Hussein, you have not only allowed the United States economy to fall into neglected
shambles, but you have also ignored the much greater threat posed by North Korea.

THE PRESIDENT: Them dog-eaters are a regional concern.  Iraq is an international concern.
And I am here to protect the American people - well, unless they're colored or happen to
be wearing an army uniform right about now.

MR. TOWNSEND: But Iraq has no weapons that could reach the United States, and Korea does.
So how can it be that, of the two, Korea is only a "regional" concern?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, if you lived in the Pacific Northwest region - like in Seattle - I
bet you'd be concerned, too.  Duh.  Next! The black chick who always throws me a softball
question about whether it helps when you are about to kill thousands of folks that you
publicly talk about that Price of Peace guy all the time.

MISS SANDERS: You say that you hope that war won't be necessary because shedding the blood
of American service men and woman is always your last option.  You say that you are
praying that war is not necessary.  You say that the decision to go to war has not been
made.  But how do you respond to the fact that State Department officials have already
told our allies that your decision to go to war is a "done deal." Isn't tonight just a
cynical pack of lies trotted out in hopes of some public relations boast after getting
your head handed to your diplomatically by the French, Germans and Russians yesterday?

THE PRESIDENT: You know, when I picked you, that wasn't the question you had told Dick you
would ask.  I'd like to pick again.

MISS SANDERS: And I would like an answer to my question.

THE PRESIDENT: Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of
Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons
of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.
Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.
Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass
Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of
Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Terror.  Peace.  Weapons
of Mass Destruction.

Thank you.  Good night.


        [ 2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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