Digest for Thursday, March 06, 2003

There are 14 messages totalling 545 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. A truely Canadian apology to the US
  2. Complaint
  3. Another blonde joke
  4. Is this really true?
  5. 150,000 Paintball Enthusiasts Now In Gulf, Awaiting Orders
  6. The value of jewlery
  7. The Dentists Request
  8. Putative Darwin Award Nominees
  9. Inner Peace
  10. The fitness program
  11. Mar 6th ~ Ive Got a Headache Day
  12. This Weeks Horoscopes
  13. Coffee refill


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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 08:51:44 -0000
From:    John Habkirk <j.habkirk@TEAMWORKS.DE>
Subject: A truely Canadian apology to the US

Subject: A truly Canadian Apology to the USA...

Courtesy of Rick Mercer from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United
States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for
that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice
of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron
shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like
you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than
you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better
than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse
would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice
you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but,
we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a
crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took
more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was
different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly
apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly
veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.





 Squiffy :O)

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 05:23:54 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Complaint

Dear FCC Commissioner,

Baseball season is about to begin again. You need to talk to the
commissioner before the first game airs. Every time I tune in,
I see men touching themselves in a very very private spot. They
try to disguise it as scratching, but it's really nothing more
than a blatant attempt to get us to look at their bulges.

You see, as the New York Post keeps telling us, ballplayers are
all a bunch of homosexuals. You have to wonder if that's why they
call themselves "ballplayers" in the first place. It's probably
their way of playing a joke on all us "dumb heterosexual hicks."

Anyway, it's a recruitment tool. They try to draw attention to
their bulges knowing that there is no way for us to stop looking
once we start. Soon, we get to thinking about what's causing the
bulge and then it's a short trip to Judy Garland, Patti LaBelle
and Broadway shows after that.

         - Gen. JC Christian, Patriot





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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 13:19:31 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Another blonde joke <sexist>

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 100 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again...... Lemme see....

"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup..."

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 06:30:42 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Is this really true?

A young boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked
his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough  to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately,

"I don't know. No male has lived that long yet."

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 08:07:29 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: 150,000 Paintball Enthusiasts Now In Gulf, Awaiting Orders

Kuwait -- In what is being called the largest reserve fighting force since
World War II, President Bush issued the order for an additional 50,000
paintball enthusiasts to be sent to the Gulf to join the nearly 100,000
already in place in preparation for a possible attack on Iraq.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld expressed confidence in the largest ever
call-up of this quasi-military group, saying they were tantamount to a
decisive victory against Iraq.

"The 150,000 well trained hobbyists now in the region are vital to this war
effort.  They are eager, they are brave, and they will certainly be ordered to
lead our troops into downtown Baghdad, should it come to that."

According to insiders, the call-up of paintball enthusiasts was due in part to
the lack of participation by traditional allies and a less than eager
international coalition, a charge the Bush administration denies.

"Have you ever even played paintball?" Bush replied angrily to a reporter in
the Rose Garden Wednesday.  "It's not easy.  It requires a lot of skill and
training.  And those paintballs really sting!"

In the past, paintball enthusiasts were utilized to supplement active troops
and mostly relegated to supportive roles.  All that changed after the Gulf War
in 1991.  General Tommy Franks admits they were part of the plan to disarm
Iraq since the beginning.

"All those weekend office parties out in the woods -- you think that happened
by accident?  Franks asked.  "Who do you think pays for all that so-called
fun?"

Sources admitted for the first time paintball enthusiasts have been sent on
secret missions during the last decade, ranging from the recent engagement in
Afghanistan to a botched effort to bolster troops in Somalia that led to
American soldiers being dragged through the streets.

"That wasn't necessarily their fault," former Airborne paratrooper Lt. Col.
Tony Weston recalls.  "At that time paintball was brand new and the troops
probably weren't quite ready for urban warfare.  Also, we forgot to replace
the paintballs with real ammo."

Added Weston, "I would like to add that several of the enemy targets were seen
literally covered from head to toe with yellow paint.  I think that says it
all."
__
Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 06:07:39 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The value of jewlery

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

[From Lee Sissel]



---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Tax Center - forms, calculators, tips, and more

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 10:05:37 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Dentist's Request

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a few
of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are too many people in the waiting room right now
and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 10:08:57 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Putative Darwin Award Nominees

This seems to be a new batch in circulation.  Worth a scan.

=========================

DARWIN AWARDS
OR HOW EVOLUTION RIDS THE PLANET OF THE STUPID

¨ What's That Sound?
Kansas | A man whose vehicle broke down on I?35 was struck and killed by a train
while calling for help. The train engineer spotted him standing on the tracks,
holding a cell phone to one ear and cupping his hand to the other ear to block
the noise of the train.

¨ Wounded Wire Bites Back
Pennsylvania | Daniel was practicing his marksmanship by shooting at electrical
insulators, whose function is to hold electrical wires aloft. Eventually the
shattered targets were no longer able to do their job, and a high?voltage wire
fell to the ground, sending Daniel to his shocking demise.

¨ Wrong and Wronger
Ukraine | A man was walking his dog, when a Police Academy cadet pointed out
that dogs on a public street must be leashed and muzzled. The men began to
argue, until the dog owner pulled out a military hand grenade and threw it to
the cadet's feet. His well?trained dog immediately fetched it back, and man and
dog met the same messy fate.

¨ Bees 1, Humans 0
Brazil | A farmer decided to burn a beehive out of his orange tree. He protected
his head from bee stings by sealing a plastic bag tightly around his neck. His
worried wife found him dead a few hours later. He had forgotten to put breathing
holes in the bag.

¨ Electrified Worms
Norway | If you need worms for fishing, just put a 12V electric current through
ground, and up they come. A 23?year?old man withdrew his genes form the pool
when he tried to speed up the process by using 220V household current. Alas, he
did so squatting on a steel bucket, holding an electrode in one hand while
pushing the other in the ground...

¨ Foolish Courage
Brazil | On New Year's Eve, some friends were befogged by pinga, a traditional
Brazilian liquor, when they began competing to see who could hold a lit firework
in his mouth the longest. Antonio was the winner, biting a firework a bit too
long, and thereby earning praise for his "courage" at his funeral.

¨ Booby Traps Trap Boob
The Netherlands | A retired engineer booby?trapped his home with twenty deadly
devices, with the intention of killing his estranged family. Anyone with common
sense could predict the outcome. He inadvertently triggered one of his own
hidden traps, and removed himself from the planet.

¨ Well?Trained
Kentucky | A 20?year?old demonstrating train?hopping to his friends tried to hop
a southbound train, but failed to notice the simultaneous approach of a
northbound train. He was struck and killed

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 08:12:17 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. -Dwight D. Eisenhower, U.S.
general and 34th president (1890-1969)

Must have been windows!

The Associated Press
Wednesday, March 5, 2003; 3:53 PM


George Doughty hung his latest hunting trophy on the wall of his
Sportsman's
Bar and Restaurant. Then he went to jail.

The problem was the trophy was Doughty's laptop computer.

He shot it four times, as customers watched, after it crashed once too
often.

He was jailed on suspicion of felony menacing, reckless endangerment
and the
prohibited use of weapons.

"It's sort of funny, because everybody always threatens their
computers,"
said police Lt. Rick Bashor, seconds before his own police computer
froze at
police headquarters.

Doughty was released Monday evening after spending a night in jail and
is
due in court Wednesday.

In police reports, Doughty said that he realized afterward that he
shouldn't
have shot his computer but at the time it seemed like the right thing
to do.
---
My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and
this is really my personality!
            ~Victoria

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 07:26:13 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Inner Peace <adult&lang>

I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me.=20

I think I have found inner peace.=20
I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace =
is to=20
FINISH things I had started.=20
So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a=20
fifth of Jack Daniel's, a small box of chocolate candy, and I slapped =
the=20
living shit out of someone I have never liked. I feel better already.=20
Please pass this along to a friend who is in need.=20

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 16:55:26 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: The fitness program

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts
of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment.
If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to
get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere,
anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press
tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who
favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be
damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out
of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this
exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and
so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from
unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're
certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your
dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air,
and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs)
Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops
ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs,
attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your
couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee.
Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock.
Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all
know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This
exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat.
Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick
and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet,
which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming
clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a
circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.
WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small
dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are
plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
 are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for
your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A
dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you
least expect it.

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 16:01:48 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Mar 6th ~ I've Got a Headache Day <ADULT>

Aspirin is patented in 1899, following Felix Hoffman's discoveries about the
properties of acetylsalicylic acid.

TWO ASPIRINS
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand
and two aspirins in the other.

 She asks, "What's this for?"

 "This is for your headache," he says.

 She says, "But I don't have a headache."

 He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 21:52:01 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
   All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if
you ever stuck around to see how they end.

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
   An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys
and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
   Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to
Earth before all hope is lost.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
   A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining
your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
   The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any
uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
   Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice
keeps counting backwards.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
   You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to
escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
   You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a
cool after-hours chillout-session track.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
   Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment
of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
   You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive
bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
   You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no
overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
   A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's
first "double reverse Idaho twins."


        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 2003 19:15:02 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Coffee refill

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  While I was lunching, a waitress came by to ask if I wanted a drink.  "I'll
have a decapitated coffee," I said facetiously.  The waitress smiled and
poured me a cup.
  Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot and said, "Can I put a
head on that?"




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