Digest for Wednesday, March 05, 2003

There are 13 messages totalling 595 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. My Kinda Week!!
  2. The Stella Awards.....
  3. Send in the women!
  4. Osama Turns Himself In
  5. Its a weird world
  6. Thats Daddy
  7. tourist at bar
  8. Cross Breeding
  9. March 5th ~ 1623, First Alcohol Temperance Laws in America
  10. Peekaboo
  11. Statement by the Press Secretary to the Christian Coalition
  12. Surprise!
  13. Consumer complaint


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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 05:16:02 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: My Kinda Week!!

The first week of March is National Procrastination Week...

If you ask me, it seems way too early for it. If I get a petition going
sometime to put it off awhile, could I get you folks to sign it?





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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 05:25:53 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Stella Awards.....

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella
Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year old Stella Liebeck who
spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case
inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in
the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.


A 19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.


Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted
on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.


Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just
a little provoked at the time Mr. Williams was shooting him repeatedly
with a pellet gun.


A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay $113,500 to Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of
a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while
Ms. Walton was trying to sneak into the club through the window in the
ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.


This year's favoorite, however, could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he
set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go
into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the
RV left the  freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor
home.  To top it off, the Winnebago Company actually changed their
manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other
complete morons buying their recreational vehicles.

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 06:24:33 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Send in the women!

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived
in Iraq?  They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's
stash?  We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding
things.  For crying' out loud!  They can't find the dirty clothes hamper.

They can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and
splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq
to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?  They probably couldn't
find them if they were lying in the middle of a dusty street with a picture
of Saddam aiming a rifle in the air taped on the side.

I keep wondering why groups of women weren't sent in; preferably mothers.
After all, mothers know that their boys can't find their socks or underwear
when they're neatly folded in their dresser drawers, so how could they be
expected to find hidden biological weapons?  On the other hand, mothers can
sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.

What we need over there are women like my mother.

My mother could find the old olive bottles filled with dimes that dad
stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. She could sniff out a diary two
rooms and one floor away.  She always knew when the lid of the cookie jar
had been disturbed, and I swear she must have dusted for prints on the roll
of salami that was always in the refrigerator.  She knew if a slice had been
removed and by whom.

I developed her ability to stalk out criminal activity when my kids were at
home.  They couldn't get away with much that I didn't know about.  They
still think they got away with a lot, but actually I always knew what they
were doing, and if I decided that what they were doing was not too important
or dangerous, I allowed them to think they were getting away with it.   It
was important for them to think they have an uncanny ability to pull the
wool over mom's eyes occasionally.

But male inspectors?

Going after Saddam?

Now I know that our country has gone mad.  Those inspectors will rely on
electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats. They will try to use
science to find chemicals.  These men, dressed in their pretentious
jumpsuits, carrying their bulging briefcases, will barge into palaces and
hovels, look around and then officiously announce, "all clear".

But if mothers were sent in they wouldn't need body suits, briefcases or
science.  Mothers would go in, charge up to Saddam and, with their hands
on their hips, demand, "Do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"  And they
could tell in an instant whether he was lying or telling the truth.

And mothers would be quite capable of finding his cache no matter how
cleverly he thought it was hidden.

God help him once it was found; he would be chastised until he begged for
mercy.   He wouldn't be given a "time-out;" he would get an old fashioned
butt-kicking by women who are adept at butt-kicking.   And by the time these
women finished with Saddam, he would be sitting in the middle of a dusty
road with a limp rifle and a stunned look on his evil face!

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 07:48:43 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Osama Turns Himself In

        "It Was The Duct Tape" Admits Bad Boy Bin Laden

In what was the result of a brilliant covert strategy by Home Security
overlord, Tom Ridge, terrorist leader, Osama bin Laden, turned himself into
U.S. authorities revealing that the latest code orange terrorist alert brought
down his entire terrorist infrastructure.

"For years the boys down at Al Quaeda research have been trying to contend
with the very real possibility that Americans would employ duct tape to defend
themselves from a fundamentalist Islamic attack on their very freedom"
confessed the former cave-dwelling recluse.  "And how they knew I hated the
color orange is beyond me.  These guys are good."

"I know most Americans, including Pelosi and the rest of those lefties down at
the DNC, thought that we were wimpiní out with a seemingly pantywaist pigment
defense program" beamed Ridge.  "We knew a long time ago that these guys had a
big hangup with incandescent colors and duct tape.  We just had to bide our
time."

Secretary of State, Colin Powell had his doubts.  "I felt like such a dolt
picking on Saddam and the good people of Iraq.  But the president assured me
this ruse would distract everyone from our real plan...what W liked to call,
'Duct, Duct Goose Osama.' But damnit if the old cowboy didnít know what he was
doing."

"How do you think I felt?" grinned relieved Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer.  "I
had to stand up here everyday telling the world that we thought batteries,
bottled water and...duct tape, would keep us safe from suicide terrorists and
germ warfare.  During some of those press conferences I felt like I was going
to split a gut."

"I want to thank the networks, cable news outlets and talk radio for
supporting our efforts, "said President Bush in a prepared statement.  "How
Rush and OíReilly kept a straight face while talking up the war effort against
Iraq was the kind of patriotism our founding fathers would be proud of.  In
addition, our thanks go out to Home Depot and Duct Tape ĎR Us stores across
America for putting extra cashiers on to handle the publicís panicked
onslaught of their plastic and duct products."

The War On Terrorist gambit touched every corner of the government.

"I canít believe that people were gullible enough to believe that we were
actually going to curtail civil rights," winked the ever-kidding, Attorney
General John Ashcroft.  "This is America..  We donít screw with the
Constitution."

In answer as to what Americans should now do with the glut of duct tape and
plastic drop cloths, Ridge revealed the second part of the presidentís plan.
"Weíre going to have a 'Paint America this Red, White & Blue Day' this coming
July 4.  The tape and plastic should make the job that much more spiffy."

The now imprisoned bin Laden admitted a bit of disappointment with the
Presidentís tactics.

"War is a dirty business, but I thought even infidels were more civilized than
to pull this kind of crap."
__
by Steve Young
© Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 15:30:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: It's a weird world

Culled from Reuters

A Filipino man cut off his penis and tossed it through a window to his
estranged wife in a bid to prove his fidelity. The man wrapped the
severed member in a newspaper and threw it  through the window of his
wife's parents' house in the northwestern town of Malasiqui. "So you
will not suspect I am courting another girl," the man shouted before he
hobbled off into the night.  His shocked wife gave the severed penis to
police, who sought the help of an embalmer to preserve it until her
husband could be found.

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 09:53:38 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: That's Daddy

A former Marine was now working for UPS,  He and his wife bought
their 4 year old son two stuffed bears, one in a UPS uniform, the
other in full Marine dress.  The boy was happy for the gift, but
appeared a bit confused.  So his father dug out an old photo of
himself in his Marine uniform and showed it to him.

"See Ronnie, this is daddy."  he said pointing to the photo, and
then to the bear.

The boy looked from the picture to the bear and back again, then
asked, in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear??"

[Thanks to Jack Millsap]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 07:32:12 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: tourist at bar <adult&lang>

After a tourist had been served in the
Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned
the waitress back and said, "Miss, would
y'all give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition
I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why
not? It's pretty slow here right now, so
let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour
later, the man sat down at the same table
and the waitress asked, "Will there be
anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah
come from in Alabama, we lack our
bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need
a piece uh ass for mah drink."

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 12:11:51 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Cross Breeding <offensive--contains one of Carlin's words>

[From  Michele Gennette on Rehu.]

Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's
Angels biker?

A. Someone who knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck off!



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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 12:39:46 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 5th ~ 1623, First Alcohol Temperance Laws in America

In a proclamation signed by Governor Sir Francis Wyatt and thirty-two
members of the Virginia colonial legislature, Virginia prohibits public
intoxication under penalty of fine. Virginia, the first American colony to
pass a temperance law, is later joined by other colonies in taking measures
to prohibit the use of alcohol.

TEMPERANCE
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had
all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the
river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing
song, let us sing hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather At The River'."

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 16:30:42 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Peekaboo

To understand this joke, if you didn't already know, Picabo is pronounced
Peek-a-boo.
============
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a
nurse.

She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
hospital.   She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it
caused simply  too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 21:41:19 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Statement by the Press Secretary to the Christian Coalition

        Secretary Fleischer Delivers Forceful Rebuttal
        To Charges Of Senselessly Dooming Innocent
        American Gi's Purely For Craven Political Gain

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 1, 2003  - 10:04 A.M. (EST)

Mr. Fleischer: Good morning.  On behalf of the Bush Administration, I am
honored to appear here today at the Christian Coalition of America's Annual
Shareholder's Meeting.

(Applause.)

Yesterday, with inaccurate liberal polls showing President Bush's approval
rating at a new low, and less than half of Americans indicating they will
support his reelection, the President was both shocked and dismayed to be
confronted with the utterly preposterous charge that his plans to senselessly
doom American GI's in chemical and biological warfare with Iraq is inspired by
wholly craven and purely political motives.  Today, I am here to publicly
vocalize without smirking the White House's assertion that this is untrue.

Last night, the President called an emergency meeting of his top advisers in
the Presidential Prayer Squad to discuss the Administration's overarching
concern and principal goal for America's future: his reelection in 2004.
Working feverishly until dawn with PPS leaders Deacon Fred and Brother Harry
Hardwick, the President arrived at a plan of action which will ensure that his
political future does not mimic that of his vaguely effeminate father.  Let
the record state that the Prayer Squad's painstakingly objective analysis
involved reviewing opinion polls of NRA members, Heritage Foundation economic
forecasts, back episodes of the Greatest American Hero and, most importantly,
the Holy Bible.

This morning, it falls to me to announce the inescapable conclusion of that
Godly session: while the spilling of small oceans of American blood into Iraqi
sand will most certainly spur the public to rally around the President, our
Christ-appointed leader's domestic policies (or lack thereof) will
unfortunately ensure his political demise unless the public can once again be
terrified into supporting him, no matter what the cost.  Nevertheless, rest
assured that these radical fringe charges that our Commander in Chief is
knowingly marching a quarter million innocent GI's to the sacrificial altar of
political expediency are patently false!

True, the President's cries to the public that tax cuts for "We the Wildly
Affluent People" are the key to economic recovery have fallen on mostly deaf
ears.  For some reason, most of you Joe Sixpacks just won't believe that
giving the rich more stock dividends is going to kickstart your Wal-Mart
impulse-buying engine.  That means we're left with a plan that gives money to
the rich while slashing virtually all social programs for the middle class and
poor while raising deficits to their highest levels ever.  That's an agenda
even Herbert Hoover couldn't have dreamed up.  In other words, our President's
only hope for reelection is a public so terrified of unseen Arabiac bogeymen,
they will actively embrace an agenda of militaristically ruthless,
quasi-fascistic Christian empire-building.

(Applause.)

Going forward, it is important that people recognize that the upcoming War on
Iraq, replete with inevitable death for untold numbers of Americans and sand
negroes alike, was in NO WAY conceived as the key to victory in 2004 that it
is.  No, this war is a purely high-minded endeavor, which will play out in one
of two scenarios:

Scenario 1: A Prolonged and Dirty War.

This is a likely scenario inasmuch as the Administration has done its best to
push Saddam Hussein into a nothing-to-lose corner.  The President has said war
will not stop until Saddam is removed from power to be tried for war crimes.
This means there is no disincentive to Saddam using every chemical and
biological agent at his disposal while launching missiles at Israel, Turkey
and anyone else hungrily suckling at the U.S. cash teat.  This may result in
thousands of American casualties, thereby easily prolonging the war until well
after the 2004 elections.  The public historically supports the
Commander-in-Chief in times of war, regardless of whether or not the
depression has already begun.

Scenario 2: A Quick Victory Followed by Terrorism.

Overthrowing Saddam and establishing a U.S. territorial government in Iraq is
certain to motivate Osama bin Laden and his cohorts to strike again at
American targets with a vengeance that rivals 9/11.  The result will be
thousands of American casualties and a renewed call for yet another lengthy
military engagement wherein the United States bombs back to the stone age any
Middle Eastern armpit country in which terrorists are alleged to have once
slept.  Again, we will still be at war for the 2004 election season.

Under either scenario, a second term is ensured.  The panel concluded that,
because a third term is not allowed by the Constitution, the long-term
implications of either scenario are irrelevant and need not be evaluated.  But
once again, I want to take pains to assure you gentlemen, along with the rest
of the predominantly already-red-voting-states, that these militaristically
humanitarian calculations have NOTHING to do with callously disregarding the
so-called worth of enlisted soldier life in the name of a thousand-year GOP
reign.  No sir.  They just don't.  It's appalling to even suggest such a
thing.

(Applause.)

Thank you.  I've appreciated your hospitality this morning.  As a hell-bound
Jew, I'm still adjusting to you folks having found a use for my people, but in
the end, I'll take what I can get - even this all-ham breakfast platter.

(Laughter.)

Thank you.


        [ ©2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 22:30:33 -0500
From:    Fred Strathmann <fstrath@STRATHMANN.COM>
Subject: Surprise! <body functions>

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a
man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He
is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him  that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,
I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her
to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as
he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.  He
made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went
to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of
cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the
end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times
with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling
contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she
had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 2003 19:39:08 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Consumer complaint

  Bucharest - A Romanian man plans to complain to consumer authorities about
the poor quality of a rope he used in a failed attempt to hang himself, Romanian
papers reported Thursday.  "You can't even die in this country," 45-year-old Victor
Dodoi was quoted as saying in the daily Adevarul.
  The newspaper said Dodoi's relatives found him hanging from a tree in his garden
and managed to cut the rope with a knife. He was taken by horse-drawn cart and
then by ambulance to a hospital in the northern town of Botosani.
  Dodoi said he would file a complaint with the Consumer Protection Authority about
the quality of the rope, which was easily cut, as soon as he is released.

+Source: Reuters, Feb. 28, 2003+



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