Digest for Tuesday, March 04, 2003

There are 12 messages totalling 580 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. "Youre a sweet little lamb!" said The Old Perfesser sheepishly.
  2. Its catching.....
  3. Irish Jokes
  4. Bible smiles
  5. Guest Editorial: Britney Spears
  6. Observations
  7. Terms For Termination
  8. Three strikes and youre out. (A drunk in a bar joke)
  9. Mar 4th ~ Inauguration Day
  10. fertilized egg business
  11. A Deals a Deal
  12. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 05:07:48 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: "You're a sweet little lamb!" said The Old Perfesser sheepishly.

In school one day, the teacher asked little Maury why his
handwriting wasn't as neat as usual...
He explained, "I'm trying out a new font."

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Little Maury was hungry again, so the old perfesser went to the
'fridge to find something he might like. After poking around a
bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, he spotted a bowl of
(urp) grits left over from the weekend.

"Hey, little Maury!" the old perfesser called out excitedly.
Little Maury came running into the kitchen. "Look! I found some

Struggling to be polite, little Maury said, "Um, if you're that
surprised, I'm not really sure I want 'em."

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Dear Diary,

I'm getting pretty good at opening childproof caps.
I started using a hammer.

            - The Old Perfesser

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser's verbose translations are seldom understood
by regular people, him being so highly educated and all...

Here's the poem he's been teaching his Grandbaby... HIS way:

Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain, would i ponder thy nature specific,
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Little Maury, leaving biology class, said to his friend little
Susie, "I understand now why Uncle and AuntyPerfesser are so
grumpy... they evolved from amino acid."

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 05:44:36 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: It's catching.....

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Mikey, the class
nerd, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it
was contagious". "Well done, Mikey", says the teacher. "Can anyone else
try"? Susie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious".
"Well done, Susie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?

Little Johnny jumps up and says in a boastful tone, "Our next door is
painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take
the contagious."

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 05:21:26 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Irish Jokes <may be offensive to Irish>

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here
that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit,awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
A Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A
cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop,
"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at
her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda."Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
And she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says,"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.." The priest says,"What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side

-=} Randall {=-  A lot of people want to BE Irish! Especially on 3/17!

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 06:14:22 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Bible smiles


Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out
   little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
   was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
   were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived
   in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn...)

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 07:25:25 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Guest Editorial: Britney Spears

        "The Truth about all those Rumors and Stuff"

Gosh, I am so glad that Doug asked me to write another editorial for The Blue
Brick.  I've been like, so busy lately, but there are so many rumors being
written about me lately that I have to take a few minutes and set the record

First of all, I am so not dating Fred Durst!  And, I never did!  We recorded a
couple of songs together, and next thing I know he's all "Britney, I love
you".  And I was all "Whatever".  As you can see, it was a big

Not that I am trying to rip on Fred.  I mean, he's a nice guy, I guess.  He's
just not, oh what I am I trying to say?  He's just not HOT enough, you know?
I used capital letters there because I think you know what capital letters
mean, like I really mean that word, you know?  A guy has to be extra-hot for
me to go out with him, and Fred just isn't that way.  I mean, sometimes it
looks like he has a goatee, and sometimes it looks like he doesn't.  That is
really confusing and gross.  And those really baggy pants?  I hate that!

Then, I went to a movie premier with Colin Farrell.  I can't remember what the
movie was called.  I wasn't in it, so I didn't really care.  Anyway, Colin is
a extra-hot hottie!  When I first met him, I thought he was really cool
because he has an accent.  I think he is from England or Ireland or something.
Anyway, he was all like "You're a right looker, aren't you?".  That is a
British way of saying that he thought I was a hottie, too!  I started to say
something, but then remembered that I'm usually better off by not saying
anything.  So instead of saying something, I just looked at him and kind of
giggled, being sure to get my boobies to where he could see them.  I mean, I
still had my shirt on and everything!  But, it worked because he looked over
my whole body.  That's when I knew that he would ask me out to a movie premier
or a steak dinner or something.

Anyway, that didn't last too long, because even though he is a hot guy and a
good kisser and everything, his accent is so hard to understand.  My head
started to hurt because I had to think so hard about what he was saying and
try to translate it in my mind.  It was just too much work, so I told him that
I thought he was a dork, and I moved on.

The last rumor that is bothering me is that I used drugs in a bathroom during
a party.  That is so not true!  I have never done any drugs, or even cocaine!
So, I respond to that rumor by stomping my foot and huffing and puffing.  That
always seems to make bad things go away.

Whew!  Can you believe how much I have written?!?  I'm all thinking I'm a
great writer or something!  Okay, okay, I'll stop.  But listen, if you think
you know a rumor about me, please don't tell anyone, especially a reporter for
a tabloid.  Just close your eyes and think about rainbows.  Because, other
than stomping your foot and huffing and puffing, closing your eyes and
thinking about rainbows makes stuff go away, too.
Copyright © 2003 Doug Small / The Blue Brick

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 05:51:05 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Observations

  When Liv Tyler talked with Kate Hudson in Interview magazine, mention of the
closing of their favorite grocery store led to Tyler's observation that "change is
very bizarre." Hudson agrees: "There's so much going on in the world; it totally
freaks me out." Tyler says she favors BBC news, and Hudson describes making
"Le Divorce" in Paris and feeling "involved" with French anti- war protesters. "We
should all be thinking about peace right now." "Definitely, " says Tyler. "Yes.
Another thing I wanted to talk about -- this is sort of going back to the parents thing
-- is that we're both with musicians. You're married to a musician and I'm engaged
to one."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Leah Garchik, Feb. 28, 2003+

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 09:52:52 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Terms For Termination

- Axed
- Canned
- Coerced Transition
- Derecruited
- Deselected
- Destaffed
- Excessed
- Fumigation
- Indefinite Idling
- Negotiated Departure
- Personnel Surplus Reduction
- Premature Retirement
- Redundancy Elimination
- RIF - Reduction In Force ("I Was Riffed")
- Right-sized
- Selected Out
- Selectively Separated
- Vocational Relocation

And my favorite:

- Workforce Imbalance Correction

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 08:03:05 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Three strikes and you're out. (A drunk in a bar joke)

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, that he can not be served additional liquor at this bar, and asks if he can call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely--but more firmly--refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

[From L. Sissel]

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 10:06:29 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Mar 4th ~ Inauguration Day

Our first president, George Washington, was inaugurated on March 4, 1789.
Until the Twentieth Amendment, ratified in 1933, changed the date of the
Presidential Inauguration to January 20th, every succeeding American
president was also inducted into office on this date.

[to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke]

Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
I don't know the names of men I grill,
Or implications of the seats I fill.
But I do know who has paid my way.
For corporate interests and the NRA
What a wonderful world this will be.

Don't know much about ecology.
Cutting trees has always worked for me.
And I don't know about the women's vote,
And I can't think of any bill I wrote.
But there's one thing that I know for sure,
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be.

I never claimed to be an A student, but I don't have to be.
If you have deep pockets and sell nuclear rockets
You're a friend of my family.

Don't know much about air pollution.
Don't know much about the Constitution.
Don't care much for solar energy.
There's nothing in it for my friends and me.
And if we can't find any on our soil
We can go to war and get more oil, and
What a wonderful world this will be.

Don't know much about the driving rules.
Don't know much about the public schools.
Don't know why the inner cities fail
Why can't folks get dad to pay for Yale?
And if the issues causing you to lose
Are never covered in the evening news,
What a wonderful world this will be.

I never claimed to be an A student, but I don't have to be.
If you have a brother who's the Florida Governor,
the result's no mystery.

Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
Don't know 'bout paying off a debt.
I never had to pay one off yet.
But I do know who has paid my way.
For special interests in the USA
What a wonderful world this will be.
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 09:02:16 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: fertilized egg business

            Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several =
            young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, =
whose job was=20
            to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster =
that didn't=20
            perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced.=20

            That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of =
tiny bells and=20
            attached the bell to his roosters. Each bell had a different =
tone so that=20
            Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was =
performing. Now he=20
            could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report =
simply by=20
            listening to the bells.=20

            Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine =
specimen he was, too.=20
            But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's =
bell had not=20
            rung at all!!=20

            Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing =
pullets, bells!=20
            a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would =
run for cover.=20

            BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, =
so it couldn't=20
            ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to =
the next one.=20

            Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the =
county fair.=20
            Brewster was an overnight sensation The judges not only =
awarded him=20
            the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.  =20

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 23:23:00 -0500
From:    Lee Bradley <brad8688@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: A Deal's a Deal <adult>

Back about 33 years ago, the teen-ager who would turn into=20
The Young Whipper Snapper (TYWS) was in his father's Olds,=20
trying to get into the pants of the young princess who would turn
into MrsYWS. =20

"Let me just put my hands in your pants," he begged. =20
--"No," she said, "I want to save this for marriage."
etc, etc, etc.  FINALLY, after a lot of very slow progress, he
begged, "Now let me just put the tip in."  "OK, but that's all,"
she insisted.

TYWS put the tip in and then realized he couldn't control himself,
so he just jammed away, all the way to the hilt.  "OH," she screamed,
"this is great; go ahead and put it all in."

"Oh, no," insisted TYWS, "Just the tip. A deal's a deal."

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Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 2003 23:49:28 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres

NEW YORK—Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the Miramax film based on the
memoirs of Gong Show creator Chuck Barris, is being marketed as six different
genres, sources reported Tuesday.  "So far, I've seen TV ads making it look
like a romantic comedy, a spy thriller, a Hollywood satire, a straightforward
biopic, and a strange, Being John Malkovich-esque mind-bender," said Daniel
Taubman, 24, of Chapel Hill, NC.  "I heard there's also one that makes it look
like a chick flick, playing up the whole Drew Barrymore/Julia Roberts angle,
but I haven't seen it.  It probably runs on Lifetime or Oxygen or something."

After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack

GAINESVILLE, FL—After 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle,
pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has finally
mastered The Rolling Stones' "Jumpin' Jack Flash," his upstairs neighbor
reported Tuesday.  "I'm glad he finally nailed it," neighbor Jeremy Quinlan
said.  "From what I could hear through my living-room floor these past 10
months, he was really locked in an epic battle with that elusive 'dunh-dunh,
da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da' riff.  It was truly like Ahab and the whale."
Next week, Lowell is slated to embark on his next ambitious project, Van
Halen's "Eruption," which is scheduled for completion in the spring of 2004.

Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

BREMERTON, WA—Lakeside Elementary first-grader Max Carr, son of Boeing CEO
Robert Carr, used a small portion of his $100 weekly allowance Monday to buy
himself a sheet of the gold stars used to reward academic achievement.  "I
don't get why all the kids work so hard to get good grades just for a
sticker," Carr said.  "I only got a C-minus on my phonics homework, but Mommy
took me to the mall, and now I have 10 gold stars—more than anybody in the
whole class."  Carr said his "dumb classmates have no idea" that students can
simply purchase a sheet of "Great Job!" Mickey Mouse stickers at a store.

U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution

WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found
Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room.  "Wow, I forgot all
about that thing," said U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), who found the historic
document while vacuuming.  "Nobody knew what happened to it.  Guess it must've
fallen back there during a meeting."  After making the find, Dodd spent
several minutes rereading some of his favorite old amendments.

Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Immediately following his death Tuesday, a moral was hastily
tacked onto the life of North Platte resident Roy Brooks.  "As Roy's life
plainly illustrated, you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,"
said Rev. Paul Winters, speaking from Brooks' death bed at St. Augustus
Memorial Hospital.  "If there's anything this man taught us, it is surely
that."  Responding to the statement, Brooks' loved ones agreed that they had
learned a valuable lesson.

        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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