Digest for Monday, March 03, 2003

There are 10 messages totalling 525 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Duke Medical Center Offers Gift to Family of Botched Transplant Patient
  2. Thank You For Taking The Time...
  3. How to Shower Like.....
  4. Buying a Lincoln [Scatological language]
  5. Press Conference by Secretary & Deputy Secretary of Defense
  6. Is the Light On?
  7. FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN
  8. The blonde "stewardess" (Sexist, un-PC, but no "4-letter words")
  9. Wolf Blister Reports
  10. Costume


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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 02:02:51 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Duke Medical Center Offers 'Gift' to Family of Botched Transplant Patient

DURHAM, N.C. - Just days after 17 year-old Jessica Santillan died after a
botched transplant operation left her braindead, the Duke Blue Devils my have
found new front management.

"We are pleased to announce that the Board of Trustees have agreed to bestow
our beloved men's basketball team to the family of Jessica Scantillan," Duke
University President N. Keohane said Monday.  "This is in no way an admission
of guilt over events in our hospital last week, but mostly a way of saying how
deeply sorry we truly are."

After waiting nearly three years for a heart-lung transplant, the Mexican
teenager was smuggled into the country and mistakenly given a set of
incompatible organs with mismatched bloodtypes.  A second operation 10 days
later was futile as her other organs began to fail on life support.

According to family lawyer Kurt Dixon, Mr. and Mrs. Scantillan have not yet
decided whether or not they will accept the offer to take over the Blue Devils
organization --as well as if they will pursue a multi-million dollar
malpractice lawsuit against the hospital.

"As the family's lawyer, I can only advise them and act according to their
wishes.  If they don't want to sue the University, that's their choice, but I
can be objective in saying that we really, really should sue them.  Seriously.
For maybe a billion dollars."

Self-appointed Godfather and family spokesman Mack Mahoney said the Scantillan
family, who live a very modest life in their native Mexico, admitted they were
concerned about their relative inexperience running a NCAA basketball team and
worried how it might affect [Duke's] current 6th place rankings and a possible
A.C.C. Championship.

"It's a very exciting offer and the Scantillan's and I have discussed
prospects for finishing up the season and possible future draft picks,"
Mahoney said.  "Mr. Scantillan even had some helpful suggestions after the
Georgia Tech game -- he felt they could have forced more steals if they sped
up a little bit, got in passing lanes to where they couldn't make sure passes
and try to create better offense.  But all in all, the Scantillan's were very
pleased with Duke's performance."

Coach Mike Krzyzewski listened to the suggestions afterwards, nodding
occassionally and then politely asked for a raise.
__
Copyright  2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 05:05:06 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Thank You For Taking The Time...

Subject: Re: [subject]
To: [e-mail]
From: "Auto-reply from [address]@whitehouse.org"


>>>FROM THE WHITEHOUSE.ORG ELECTRONIC MAILROOM <<<

Dear Friend,

Thank you for taking the time to compose an electronic message to
WHITEHOUSE.ORG.

As you may or may not know, the snowballing recession President Bush
inherited from the previous administration of gonorrhea-infested tax & spend
sex maniacs has made it tragically necessary for us to lay off upwards of
90% of the wonderful young people who served so chastely as WHITEHOUSE.ORG
interns. As such, George himself has asked that I do my part for the war
effort by spending a portion of my days here, in the sour-smelling,
fluorescent-lighted West Wing e-mail pool.

Sadly, due to the volume of e-mail we receive, I regret that neither I nor
anyone else will ever actually read your message. That is why it is my most
sincere hope that this cheap form letter will create the illusion that we
care about your opinion.

Yours, in Christ,

- Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura")


o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Mrs. George W. Bush
First Lady of the United States
E-mail: first.lady@whitehouse.org
Internet: http://www.whitehouse.org
"Being first lady is the hardest unpaid job in the world."
   - Pat Nixon
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o



- this parody copyright 2002, chickenhead productions -
NOTE: all responses to this message become the property
of the WHITEHOUSE.ORG parody





_________________________________________________________________
MSN 8 with e-mail virus protection service: 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 06:35:34 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How to Shower Like.....

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Complain because your husband has been eating you ginger nut and
jaffa
cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower.

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 05:34:11 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Buying a Lincoln [Scatological language]

A woman walks into a Lincoln=A0dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect vehicle=A0and walks over to inspect it.=A0 As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her
little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day,
Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what
is the price of this lovely vehicle?

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just
touching it..............you're going to shit when you hear the price."

**********************************************************
France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney,
following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army
garrison to surrender.

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 07:16:55 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Press Conference by Secretary & Deputy Secretary of Defense

        Secretaries Rumsfeld & Wolfowitz Explain Moral Necessity Of
        Nation Building To Assembled Limp-Wristed Press Nancys

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 1, 2003  - 9:11 A.M. (EST)

SECRETARY RUMSFELD:  Good morning.  The President cannot join us for this
brief right-wing policy advertisement with you fine sedated members of the
press, as he is currently still kung-fu skull-cracking Arab madmen in
dreamland.

SECRETARY WOLFOWITZ:  The reason we called you all here today is to refute
recent leaks about the logistical details surrounding the upcoming glorious
occupation and noble democratization of Iraq.  We are prepared and committed
to "nation building" - which need we remind you, was one of the fundamental
planks of the President's foreign policy platform during the 2000 campaign.
It's one of dozens of reasons he won in an unprecedented landslide.

(Laughter.)

SECRETARY RUMSFELD:  No.  He did.  He did.  Yes.  Yes.  No.  Don't laugh.  I
don't think that's professional.  No.  He did.  "Nation Building."  Yes.  Not
Gore.  Yes.  He Did.  Let's just agree to disagree.

Anyway, regardless of your biased liberal bungling of basic historical facts,
Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz and I will take four or five questions at this
time.  Let's begin.  Helen?

Q:  The build-up of American forces in the Persian Gulf region would appear to
be nearing completion.  At this time, can you talk briefly about... the
aftermath?

SECRETARY RUMSFELD:  What aftermath?  We bulldoze the flame-broiled piles of
heathen, still-quivering limbs into pits, douse them in gasoline, then have
ourselves a big old sand-pig roast.  What else is there to say?

Q:  To date, formal, unchanging government estimates on the financial impact
of the upcoming war have been all but impossible to come by.  Can you tell us,
specifically, how much it's going to cost, and how much faster Americans can
expect our already-imploding economy to completely collapse?

DEPUTY SECRETARY WOLFOWITZ:  Bellyaching about the economy and dumb poor
people without jobs or enough to eat is for panty-waist Democrats and
journalists.  We're warriors.  And truth be told, this war and the military
budget increases that accompany it are best thing to happen to our Republican
sugar-daddies since those towelhead bastards hit us back on 9/11.  Which is to
say that it all goes back to Commandant Karl's edict numero uno:  "Win at any
cost:  this war is about 2004."

Q:  It was recently disclosed that the Pentagon has ordered over 50,000 body
bags in anticipation of potential mass casualties suffered due to chemical,
biological or nuclear weapons.  Can you tell us how many soldiers you expect
to be killed during the seizure of Iraqi oil fields?

DEPUTY SECRETARY WOLFOWITZ:  Look.  Colored enlisted boys are no different
from spotted owls and manatees - plentifully disposable.  The important thing
to remember here is that this President Bush won't screw up like his sissy
daddy did.  No sir.  We intend cram Saddam's cous-cous squirting caboose down
his tin pot despot throat and then emerge victorious in the 2004 election.  So
however many lower class corpses it takes to remain submerged in this
politically beneficial quagmire of endless Pavlovian terror alerts, well then
that's how many are needed.  Hell, we'll order another 50,000 body bags if
necessary.

Q:  Secretary Rumsfeld, have you been working out, sir?

SECRETARY RUMSFELD:  Indeed I have.  That's pure American muscle you see
bulging through these liver spots.  Yessir.  It's firm.  It's taut.  Indeed -
these are the biceps of a 58, 59 year-old man.  And I don't mean that in a
faggoty way.  One more question.

Q:  As the heads of the Pentagon, and by extension, the whole US military,
does it bother either of you that you've been turned into little more than two
political chess pieces - being exploited to help keep Americans in a perpetual
state of paranoia, enabling a select group of civilian, corporate-sponsored
multi-millionaires to force their narrow agenda of tax cuts for those who
don't need them and backward, draconian social morals on the world's
supposedly greatest democracy?

DEPUTY SECRETARY WOLFOWITZ:  Not me.  You, Rummy?

SECRETARY RUMSFELD:  Hell, no!  Look, for guys like us - educated, wealthy
white men who have never tasted the bitterness of battle, all that stuff is
just background noise.  This is about the killing.  The indiscriminate,
wholesale, erotic, power-mad killing.

Capiche?  Good.  Press conference over.


        [ 2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 10:43:14 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Is the Light On?

Billy and Johnny are arguing about how tough their fathers are.
Billy says, "My Dad is tougher than your Dad."

Johnny says, "No, my Dad is tougher than your Dad. My Dad is so
tough he can eat light bulbs."

Billy says, "Your Dad can't eat light bulbs. Nobody is that
tough."

Johnny says, "My Dad can, I heard him tell Mom the other night
that if she'd turn out the light, he'd eat it."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 07:27:45 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN

      "Lord, I have a problem."

      "What's the problem, Eve?"

      "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and =
all of
      these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, =
but I'm
      just not happy."

      "And why is that, Eve?"

      "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

      "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man =
for
      you."

      "Man? What is that, Lord?"

      "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be =
vain;
      all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, =
faster and
      will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is =
aroused,
      but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way =
that he
      will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will =
revel in
      childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't =
be too
      smart, so he will also need your advice to think
      properly."

      "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but =
what's
      the catch, Lord?"

      "Well, you can have him on one condition."

      "And what's that, Lord?"

      "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring. So you'll =
have to
      let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our =
little
      secret. You know, woman to woman."
    =20
            =20
    =20

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 12:36:36 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The blonde "stewardess" (Sexist, un-PC, but no "4-letter words")

   An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route
they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival,
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to
eat, shop and stay overnight.
   The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
   She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.
   'You can't get out of your room?' the captain asked, 'Why not?'
   The stewardess replied, 'There are only three doors in here,' she
cried, 'one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!'

From Insomniacs (A list for folks who get a good night's sleep!)

__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Tax Center - forms, calculators, tips, more
http://taxes.yahoo.com/

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 15:38:10 -0500
From:    Bruce Chilton <bchilton@OPTONLINE.NET>
Subject: Re: Wolf Blister Reports<off to Bushies>

                On Saturday, March 1, 2003 Wolf Blister of NCC interviewed Dr. Luwig Von
                Kronkeit. Following is a transcript of that interview.

      WB: Today we have with us Dr. Ludwig Von Kronkeit  well known Professor of Para Linguistics at the University of        Philadelphia and author of over thirty books on para linguistics and related subjects. His most recent book, "Detecting The             Mythomaniacal" has received very favorable reviews from his colleagues both in this country and abroad.

              Doctor Von Kronkeit, welcome to The Wolf Blister Hour.

       VK: Thank you, Mr Blister it was good of you to invite me.
       WB: Doctor, I'd like to begin by asking you to explain to our viewers, in layman's terms
           the subject of your new book. Just who or what are the "Mythomaniacal"?
       VK: Mythomania is definitely subjective, not objective. It refers to a person who has an
           excessive or abnormal propensity to exaggerate or to utter falsehoods.
       WB: In other words a liar?
       VK; Well that is a blunt way of putting it, but if you like, yes, that expresses it.
       WB: I understand, from reading a rercent review of your book that you claim to have discovered a way of telling  whether or not a person is lying. I know that our audience would be interested in just how you might do this.
       VK: Well, Mr. Blister, forgive me if I take umbrage at you using the word "claim". My methods have been thoroughly documented and subjected to exhaustive testing by experts in my field.. My method works with 94.7 % accuracy. It is no mere claim.
       WB: My apologies, Doctor. I meant no offence. So, please give us an example of how your method for detecting the mythomanical works in practice. For example, how about a public figures? Can you tell when they are lying?
       VK: Of course Mr. Blister. I have spent many hours watching and listening extensively  to politicians, preachers and pundits and can state with confidence that my method  successfully seperates the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. If you, Mr. Blister will name a public figure, I will be happy to tell you whether I have studied that person  and outline my critera for determining their veracity.
       WB: As you know, Doctor I am a political reporter. So let me select a top politician who's opponents are accusing of haveng a "credibility gap". Do you know the person to whom I refer?
       VK: I think you might be refering to our president.
       WB: Indeed I am.
       VK: Well, I have studied Mr. Bush in considerable depth and have worked out his code.
       WB: His code?
       VK: Yes. You see Mr. Blister, we are all capable of uttering falsehoods. It is endemic among humans that they will, at times, stretch the truth or tell outright lies. But each person exhibits through certain mannerisms of physical movements signs                which enable the trained expert to determine their veracity.
               Now, Mr. Bush has a constellation of attributes which make this task an easy one.
       WB: Can you give us some examples, Doctor?
       VK: Certainly.
              When Mr. Bush wrinkles his brow, which he does quite often, he is definitely not lying. Nor is he lying when he makes that charactaristic chopping motion with his hand. Nor when smirks in that well known self satisfied way. But, When he opens his mouth .....

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 18:46:00 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Costume

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  Last Halloween a civilian friend had me pick up his son from day care on the
way home from my base.  Signing him out, I felt something press against my
back.  I turned to see him painting on my camouflage uniform.  "What are you
doing?" I cried.
  "I like your tree costume," the boy replied innocently.  "But you need some red
and yellow leaves."



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