Digest for Sunday, March 02, 2003

There are 10 messages totalling 513 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Cuba and Libya Upset at Being Compared to Germany
  2. Sunday School at the Church Of Chuckles
  3. Jesse Jackson and the Kids
  4. Whos the boss? [Language]
  5. Casualties of War.....
  6. Are You Lonesome Tonight?
  7. March 2nd ~ Dr Seuss Day (Born Mar 2, 1904 - Died Sep 24, 1991)
  8. Levels of intimacy
  9. Items on a Strip Club Menu
  10. Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities


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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 02:02:39 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Cuba and Libya Upset at Being Compared to Germany

Havana - Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and Libyan strongman Muammar Khadafi
today expressed outrage at US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's recent
remarks putting their countries in a group of nations, including Germany, who
oppose the War on Terror.

"Yeah, sure, we're against the War on Terror, but Holy Frijole, did Rummy have
to compare us to Germany?" said Castro during an 8-hour nationally televised
speech to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the divorce between Desi Arnaz
and Lucille Ball.  "Caramba, talk about adding insult to injury.  And have you
ever seen Germans try to dance?  It's not a pretty picture, let me tell you,
amigos."

Speaking from his Tripoli bunker, Col. Khadafi concurred with Castro's
assessment.  "It's bad enough that the infidel Germans are pork eaters," said
Khadafi.  "But they also like to wear leather shorts and listen to tuba music,
both of which are expressly forbidden by the Koran.

In related news, in a press conference today, Secretary Rumsfeld included
Germany in a list of things, along with genital herpes and leprosy, that he
wouldn't wish on his worst enemies.  Health advocates around the world
immediately criticized Secretary Rumsfeld for placing lepers in the same
category as Germans.
__
by William Grim
© Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 05:54:39 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sunday School at the Church Of Chuckles  <prob. blasphemous>

"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His
people through on dry ground!"

"Sorry," said the biblical scholar. "But that wasn't the Red
Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep.
No miracle was involved."

"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow,
man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot
of water!"

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

A little girl in Minnesota came home from Sunday School with
a frown on her face.
"I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality.
"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."

"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.

"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking
about  St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what
the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom
asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."





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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 05:51:22 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Jesse Jackson and the Kids <Offensive to JJ fans>

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.

They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of
a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would
call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice
he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. &Mrs. Jackson were struck by a missile
and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably wouldn't be an accident either."

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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 06:48:46 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Who's the boss? [Language]

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over,
so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all
of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs," because I carry the body wherever it
needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes," because I allow the body to see where it
goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste
removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all
decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of this story?

The asshole is usually in charge

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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 08:06:38 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Casualties of War.....

A fellow walks into a bar in downtown Washington, DC. He takes a look
around, then goes up to the bartender and says, "This is amazing. Those
two guys over at the table in the corner, they look just like President
Bush and Secretary Colin Powell." The bartender replies, "Yep, that's
actually them. They come in here every so often to talk to regular
folks."

"You mean, I could actually talk to them?" the fellow asks
incredulously.
"Go for it," says the bartender.

After being patted down and wanded by a watchful Secret Service
bodyguard, the fellow approaches the table. "This is an extraordinary
honor, Mr. President," he says. "Could I ask what you and Secretary
Powell are talking about?"
"Sure," says GW. "We're planning the war to liberate Iraq."
"Really? What's going to happen?" GW says, "Well, it looks like to
ensure victory, we're going to have to kill 100,000 Iraqis and one
blonde with enormous breasts." Shocked, the fellow exclaims, "A blonde
with enormous breasts? Why do you have to kill a blonde with enormous
breasts?"GW turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
I told you no one would give a shit about 100,000 Iraqis!"

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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 08:15:26 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Are You Lonesome Tonight?

For all the seniors out there...

Are you lonesome tonight,
does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray,
to that bright sunny day...
When you had all your teeth and your gums

Is your hairline receding?
Are your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her and it's prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain...
do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up,
your good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
metamucil to boot,
keeps you like a well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball...
he sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...
but forgets what it's for.
So, your gall bladder's gone.
But his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
when you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
he goes left, you go right.
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

(Author Unknown)

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 09:50:15 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 2nd ~ Dr Seuss Day (Born Mar 2, 1904 - Died Sep 24, 1991) <ADULT>

Theodor Seuss Geisel was born in Springfield, MA. Theodor Geisel, a.k.a. Dr.
Seuss, would say. "Children want the same things we want. To laugh, to be
challenged, to be entertained and delighted."

DR. SEUSS PURITY TEST
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the a**?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the t***?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it on the bathroom tile?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s,
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 14:41:23 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Levels of intimacy

  London - School children are to be controversially asked to consider oral sex
instead of intercourse as part of a drive to cut the country's high teenage
pregnancy rate.
  Sex education teachers are being trained to discuss with youngsters various
"stopping points" on the road to full sex in a bid to reduce the number of gymslip
mums, the government said on Friday.  The idea is to encourage pupils to
discover "levels of intimacy", including oral sex, which stop short of full sexual intercourse.
  But the plan has been criticised as unworkable by family groups.  "The courses
for teachers are to enable them to discuss various sex and relationship issues
with pupils. One of those issues is oral sex," said a Department of Health spokeswoman.  "Oral sex is one of the 'stopping points' on the road to
intercourse," she said, denying the advice was encouraging sexual activity.
"Another 'stopping point' is to hold hands," she added.
  Family groups argue that oral sex is likely to lead to penetrative sex.  "One
thing leads to another," said Robert Whelan, director of the Family Education
Trust. "It is hard enough for adults to hold back and is even more difficult for
teenagers with their raging hormones."
  One teacher, who recently attended one of the courses, told the Times
newspaper the advice could be construed as a green light to teens.  "By
following this course, I feel that teachers are implicitly supporting underage
sexual activity," said Lynda Brine.
  Whelan also said oral sex was no protection against most sexually transmitted diseases.  "Delaying the onset of teenage sexual activity is the only way to cut
teenage pregnancy," he told Reuters.
  With nearly 39,000 girls under 18 conceiving each year, Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Western Europe. The government wants to halve it
by 2010.  In line with that aim, students have already been offered condoms, oral contraceptives and easier access to counsellors in schools.
  The Department of Education said on Friday sex education was determined by individual schools.  "We give guidelines but we don't dictate what material is
used," a spokeswoman said. "We trust head teachers and teachers to make
sensible decisions about sex education."

+Source: Reuters, Matthew Jones, Feb. 21, 2003+



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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 17:29:35 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Items on a Strip Club Menu<adult>

G-String Beans

Lap Dance Pudding

Naughty, Spanked Lobster

Fellatio Alfredo

New England Man-Chowder (made fresh daily in the VIP room)

Silicon-Stuffed Breast of Chicken

Banana Cream Pies

Shish-K-Y-Bobs

Jiggly Puff-Pastries

$50 Nachos

Cameltoe Soup

Crabs Etouffee

Poached Salmon with a Lemon-Dildo Sauce

Hush Pussies

Short 'n' Curly Fries

CoozeCooze

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Date:    Mon, 3 Mar 2003 01:07:44 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities

WASHINGTON, DC—As an additional reminder that the U.S. is on high alert for
terrorist attacks, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced Tuesday
that Orange Alert klaxons will blare 24 hours a day in all major cities.

"These 130-decibel sirens, which, beginning Friday, will scream all day and
night in the nation's 50 largest metro areas, will serve as a helpful reminder
to citizens to stay on the lookout for suspicious activity and be ready for
emergency action," Ridge said.  "Please note, though, that this is merely a
precautionary measure, so go about your lives as normal."

The sirens, Ridge said, will be strategically positioned throughout each city
and will be audible within a three-mile radius.  The noise will be loud enough
to render conversation impossible within a 200-yard range.

"Some may find their normal sleep patterns disrupted, but it's a small price
to pay to ensure our collective awareness of the heightened danger," Ridge
said.  "The key to preventing terrorist attacks is to have the threat
constantly on your mind but still remain calm and act normal."

Ridge stressed that the government does not want individuals to let the
blaring sirens affect their work or travel plans.

"Go about your usual business," Ridge said.  "Of course, while you do so, keep
in mind that we are just barely this side of Red Alert, the highest level of
danger possible."

Ridge also urged citizens to pay close attention to the sirens' subtle
variations.

"The steady 'alert' siren indicates the need to be generally aware of the
threat of terrorism," he said.  "This is the normal, default siren.  The
higher-pitched 'wail' siren, on the other hand, means federal authorities have
credible information regarding a specific possible threat, and that citizens
should ready themselves for the 30 to 50 percent likelihood of an attack.  If
citizens hear an 'alternating wail' siren, a piercing shriek/whine interrupted
every 30 seconds by short bursts of what sounds like gunfire, they need to
prepare for the 70 percent chance of a 20 percent more serious disaster.  And,
finally, a 'pulsating steady' alarm means Americans should have plenty of
plastic sheeting and duct tape on hand to make a shelter in the almost
guaranteed event of chemical, biological, or radiological attack."

Ridge emphasized that all these alarms merely indicate an Orange Alert state
and not a 100 percent definite threat.  Should the country be raised to Red
Alert status, an entirely different set of patterned horn bursts would be put
into use, the details of which will be available at www.fema.gov.

To make the alert system more responsive to subtle fluctuations in the
national terror level, five new colors have been added between orange and red.

"The newly added levels are Orange-Red Alert, Red-Orange Alert, Maroon Alert,
Burnt Sienna Alert, and Ochre Alert," Ridge said.  "They indicate, in
ascending order of fear: concern, deep dread, severe apprehension,
near-crippling fright, and pants-shitting terror.  Please make a note of
this."

The sirens have already been introduced on a test basis in New York, San
Francisco, and Atlanta.  In spite of some complaints, most residents of the
three cities are adjusting well to the warnings.

"The sirens are really loud," said San Francisco resident Linda Pearcy,
shouting over a horn posted in her backyard.  "My dog won't stop barking, and
the windows rattle all day long.  And I didn't know about the helicopters
dropping all the orange slips of paper.  I guess I can't complain, though.
These are scary times, and the government is doing what it can to make us feel
more secure."


        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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