Digest for Saturday, March 01, 2003

There are 10 messages totalling 448 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Terror status reduced to yellow; Ridge urges Americans to buy scotch tape
  2. Her anniversary surprise
  3. Mates
  4. Interesting Epitaphs - Part 2 of 2
  5. War Protests in Middle Earth
  6. March 1st ~ International Sisters Day
  7. Cool coffee
  8. oral activity
  9. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 02:02:33 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Terror status reduced to yellow; Ridge urges Americans to buy scotch tape

        New Tobacco and Alcohol Consumption Guidelines Released for Code Yellow

The Department of Homeland Security reduced the nation’s terror alert status
from Orange to Yellow today, with Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge urging
all Americans to stock up on Scotch tape rather than duct tape and to
immediately destroy half the amount of water and food they keep in their

"Under Code Yellow, sealing a room in your house with Scotch tape will do the
trick," Mr. Ridge said.  "And if you run out of tape before you’re done, don’t
lose any sleep over it."

Mr. Ridge also gave a complete list of tobacco and alcohol guidelines for Code
Yellow, urging Americans to cut back to two packs of cigarettes a day and one
forty-ounce can of malt liquor before lunch.

In addition, Mr. Ridge said, Americans who have been irritably snapping at
their spouses during Code Orange may now merely give them dirty looks and
subject them to long, stony silences.

While the government said that the reduction in terror alert status came about
because of a reduction in terrorist chatter in recent days, Professor Daniel
Rutledge, Chairman of the Department of Terrorist Chatter Studies for the
University of Minnesota, disagrees with this assessment.

"Terrorist chatter always goes down at the end of the month," Dr. Rutledge
said.  "Al Qaeda operatives are on a Friends and Extremists cell-phone plan,
which only gives them one thousand free minutes to make terror threats each
© 2003 Andy Borowitz / BorowitzReport.com

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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 01:13:25 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Her anniversary surprise

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went
snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except
for me and one handsome young man.

As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he
swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had
stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly."I couldn't get out until you

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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 09:12:42 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Mates


- He consistently spills things in the same location so
as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.

- He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same
place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly

- He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he
can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what
you mean, etc. at the right time.

- He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two times
in a row.

- He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc.
do not make acceptable anniversary presents.

- Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday
Night Football together does not constitute a "date" or
family home evening (where applicable).

- Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he
doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there..."

- Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment
and also the proper time to say something such as, "Its
definitely an interesting dress."


Q: What music is recommended for a wedding ceremony?
A: Anything besides "Tied to the Whipping Post"...

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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 09:21:06 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Interesting Epitaphs - Part 2 of 2

Here lie the bones
of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able;
But once o'er fed
He dropt down dead,
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb
To meet his doom
He rises amidst the sinners;
Since he must dwell in heav'n or hell
Take him- which gives the best dinners.
-- Wolverhampton, England
In memory of
The Snellings
Man and wife.
In this cold bed, here consummated are
The second nuptials of the happy pair,
Whom envious Death once parted, but in vain,
For now himself has made them one again;
Here wedded in the grave, and 'tis but just,
that they thet were one in flesh, should be one dust.
-- Canterbury, England

Published epitaphs

Here lies a lewd fellow
Who while he drew breath
In the midst of life
Was in quest of death
Which he quickly obtained
For it cost him his life
for being in bed
With another man's wife.
Epitaph for a wife

To follow you I'm not content
How do I know which way you went.
Epitaph for a housewife;

Here lies a poor woman who always was tired,
she lived in a house where no help was hired,
The last words she said were "Dear friends, I am going,
Where washing ain't wanted, nor mending, nor sewing,
There all things is done just exact to my wishes,
For where folk don't eat ther's no washing of dishes,
In Heaven loud anthems for ever are ringing,
But having no voice, I'll keep clear of the singing,
Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never,
I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever."
Epitaph for a loving husband, by his widow;

Rest in peace - until we meet again.
Epitaph for the wife of a parish clerk;

The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord he sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the devil sent him Anna.
Epitaph for an old soldier;

Though shot and shell around him flew fast
On Balaclava's plain,
Unscathed he passed to fall at last,
Run over by a train.
Epitaph on Robert Lowe (statesman), by himself;

Here lies the body of Robert Lowe,
Where he's gone to, I don't know,
If to the realms of peace and love,
Farewell to happiness above!
If haply to some lower level,
I can't congratulate the devil!


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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 08:21:52 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: War Protests in Middle Earth

War Protestors Flood Gondor, Denethor Flees

Carolyn Thomson

MINAS TIRITH (Gondor News Network) - Thousands of peace activists took to the
streets of Minas Tirith and other cities of Middle Earth today to protest what
they termed a rush to war with Mordor.

"We need more time for diplomacy," said a key member of the Middle Earth
Security Council, Saruman the White. "I am not convinced by the evidence
presented by my esteemed colleague, Gandalf the Grey, or that the Dark Lord
Sauron presents an imminent danger to the peoples of the West."

Many of the people protesting war in Mordor agreed with Saruman's remarks.
"Sauron says he's destroyed his Rings of Mass Destruction (RMD) and that's
good enough for me," said one fellow carrying a sign that said, "Elrond is a

Another demonstrator urged, "Give the RMD inspectors more time. There's no
reason to rush to any judgment just because Mount Doom is belching lava, the
Dark Tower is rebuilt, and Osgiliath has been decimated."

A third protester piped up, "I haven't heard a single bit of convincing
evidence connecting the Nazgul with Sauron. I think they destroyed Osgiliath
on their own initiative without any support from Sauron. Besides, it's
understandable they're angry with Gondor. We haven't done nearly as much for
the Orcs and Goblins and Easterlings as the Nazgul and Sauron have. It's
understandable they throw their support to them. It's our own fault really."

As the protesters continued their march through the city, they chanted, "No
blood for Mount Doom," voicing a common sentiment that the leaders of the
Western peoples are really seeking to get their hands on the powerful Mount
Doom, where the One Ring of Power was allegedly forged.

Gandalf the Grey was unavailable for comment. A spokesman said he was in an
undisclosed underground location, which sources codenamed: Moria.

-=} Randall {=-  Tolkien Ring is the LAN most preferred in Middle Earth.

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Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 08:49:09 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 1st ~ International Sister's Day <Mixed Content>

On the first day of March (Women's History Month), celebrate the unique bond
between sisters of all ages, whether blood sisters, sisters-in-law, or
close-as-sisters friends.

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom
and Dad's.

My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of
trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know
that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied,
"You're not pumping hard enough."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, always
concerned about his employees' well-being, asks what is wrong. "Early this
morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had just passed away."

The boss implores her to take the rest of the day off. "We aren't terribly
busy -- just go home and try to relax."

Calmly, the blonde says, "No, I'm better off here. I need a distraction, so
I'd like to stay here if you don't mind."

The boss agrees. "If you need anything, just let me know."

A few hours pass, and the boss decides to check on his employee. He comes
out from his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying! "What happened?
Are you going to be OK?"

"No..." the blonde whimpered, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister and she said that her mom died, too!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 09:22:36 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Cool coffee

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I pulled into the drive-up lane of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.
I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes in the cup so I could drink the cool
coffee quickly.  At the window there was a delay.  Finally the teenage girl
came upfront looking frustrated.  "I'm having a problem," she announced.
"The ice keeps melting!"

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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 10:09:12 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: oral activity<adult>

The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the=20
nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral"=20

"That all depends,..." she quickly responded.=20
"...Your face, or mine?"

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Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 2003 21:11:00 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war
and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're
opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up.  The teacher asked,
"who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised
his hand.

"Johnny?"  The teacher said.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and
I hate history."
"There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in
'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in
'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure."

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Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 2003 00:48:43 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Simon & Garfunkel:  They sang together for the first time in years at the
Grammy Awards.  Now how many more years will it be before they speak to each

2)  Robert Blake:  The court let his preliminary hearing be televised.  Maybe
they were looking for a break from reality TV.

3)  Kelly Ripa:  Regis' effervescent cohost has given birth to a baby boy.
She was so relentlessly cheerful during labor the doctors had to give her
something to induce pain.

4)  "Cradle 2 the Grave"  Jet Li and DMX try to solve a jewel
heist/kidnapping.  It's the joke-free version of "Rush Hour."

5)  "What Not To Wear"  The TLC show in which fashion snobs make fun of how
normal people dress.  We used to call that "high school."

6)  Da Ali G Show"  A British comedian sandbags the likes of Newt Gingrich on
HBO.  Isn't there an American who could do that?

7)  Mardi Gras:  So, what are you giving up for Lent?  Flashing your boobs?
Having sex with complete strangers?  Yard-long daiquiris?  Oh, right—beads.

8)  Paul McCartney:  He played a birthday party for a million dollars.

9)   Mike Tyson:  The wacky, fun-loving boxer had a large Darth Maul-like
design tattooed on his face.  He's hoping it will make him look less scary.

10)  Iditarod:  This year's plan to spice up the revered 100-mile Alaskan
dogsled race?  Expert commentary from the winner of the Westminster Kennel
Club Dog Show.

11)  Jane Pauley:  She's quitting NBC News after 27 years.  But she's still
young-—she could go get a real job.

12)  Mafia:  A party game making the rounds of literary New York in which you
have to figure out who are the secret mobsters in your group.  Not so popular
in New Jersey.

13)  "Married by America"  The ever-tasteful Fox network will profile a bunch
of eligible singles and let home viewers pick their mates.  Something they
would hate if their mothers did it.

14)  Busta Rhymes:  His empty SUV was shot full of holes while it was parked
on a Manhattan street.  First order of police business: figuring out how he
found a parking spot.

15)  Phil Donahue:  MSNBC yanked his low-rated snoozefest after six months.
It will be replaced by the much more exciting "Alan Greenspan Speaks!"

        [ Copyright © 2003 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc. ]

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