Digest for Sunday, December 29, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 606 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. New Study Questions Value Of In-Laws
  2. Poor Penny
  3. Being clever
  4. The Cinema Incident
  5. Useless Info - Part 2 of 3
  6. mow the lawn
  7. Whose to Blame?
  8. Men caring for selves
  9. December 29th ~ Texas Admission Day
  10. Is there a God? < part 2 of 5 >


Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 02:02:06 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: New Study Questions Value Of In-Laws

        'Pseudo-Relatives' Serve No Evolutionary Purpose, Scientist Says

As the holiday season heads into high gear, a new scientific study released today
appears to confirm what many scientists have suspected for years: that in-laws make
no significant contribution to the survival or betterment of the human species.

The study, authored by Dr. William Haggerty of the University of Minnesota, studied
the behavior of over one thousand in-laws during a period of ten holiday seasons and
found that the in-laws  or "pseudo-relatives" as the study calls them  served no
positive purpose whatsoever.

"Based on our data, in-laws spend most of the holidays freeloading, eating
excessively and drinking up the contents of their hosts' liquor cabinets," Dr.
Haggerty said.

In exchange for their boorish behavior, the study noted, the irritating
"pseudo-relatives" usually offer nothing but "extremely inexpensive gifts that they
picked up at the last second at the cash register at CVS."

While some members of the scientific questioned the timing of the study's release 
coinciding with the peak of the holiday season  Dr. Haggerty said that the December
24 publication date was of no significance whatsoever.

"It's a complete coincidence," said Dr. Haggerty, whose wife's family is coming to
stay with him for a week starting on Christmas Eve.

Dr. Haggerty's study also noted that "made-for-TV movies depicting Christmas being
stolen, abolished or otherwise made to disappear" are wildly inaccurate and may cause
unnecessary anxiety.

"In actuality, Christmas is rarely disrupted or in any way ruined," Dr. Haggerty
said, "except by in-laws."
 2002 Andy Borowitz / BorowitzReport.com

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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 08:10:27 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Poor Penny

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own.
Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world, so
she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until
finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way...
The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties
every night.

But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced
the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking
back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her
off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to
tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard.

A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes
they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that
it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before,
Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it,
she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept
in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny
saved is a Penny urned.

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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 08:07:24 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Being clever

There are several ways to be clever:

First, think of a bright remark in time to say it.

Second, think of it in time not to say it.

There are two additional ways to be clever:

1. Remember that some of the best preaching
   is done by holding your tongue.

2. When your good work is speaking for itself,
   don't interrupt.

If you take responsibility upon your shoulders, it will leave
no room for  chips,

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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 09:13:02 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: The Cinema Incident

Thanks jg for this one:
My husband and I were at the movies recently, when a middle aged
couple sat down in front of us.  The man was complaining about
being stuffed from dinner and his wife whispered, "Just loosen
your belt a little." He loosened his belt and apparently also
undid his button.

About half-way through the movie, a rather large lady, seated on
the other side of the couple got up to go out and when the man
stood to let her pass he realized that his zipper had opened, so he
attempted to pull it up while he was standing.  When he did the
zipper caught on the lady's dress.  This caused her to stop when
she felt the tug and she hissed "What are you doing?  Let go of
me!"  He, being afraid her dress would tear, grabbed her arm and
said "Wait, don't move!"

Now the lady got a little louder "LET ME GO!"  she cried.
This got his wife's attention and she chimmed in,
"Harry, what are you doing, have you lost your mind, let her go!"

At this point the lady started jerking at her dress, causing poor
Harry's pelvis to jump forward in a most provocative way.  Right at
this moment a movie employee had arrived and spotlighted the scene
with a flashlight.

There stood Harry, his belt flopping, his fly unbuttoned, with his
pelvis tight against the lady's butt.

I could hear him trying to explain all the way up the aisle, as he
shuffled along behind the distraught lady, with his poor wife in
tears following along.

I understand they eventually got the whole mess straightened out,
but I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get it under control and
had to leave.  Good thing I had read the book.
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who
don't feel that men provide them with enough

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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 12:34:46 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Useless Info - Part 2 of 3

America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]

98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]

When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's
nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]

In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't
give her coffee.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.
[All OTHER ducks in Finland wear pants.]

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
[Probably why banks have service charges.]

Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]

What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]

In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no
telephones - Bhutan.

The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film
Gandhi in 1981.
[Union regulations require each one be listed in the credits.]

Every person has a unique tongue print.
[But would you want someone to ink yours?]

Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
[Carrot sales increased 46%.]

Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of
their pets in their wallets.

Bubble gum contains rubber.
[But should not be used as a condom.]

You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]

In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
[And most likely to grab himself.]

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
[74% think Madonna is.]

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in
[I may never eat Jell-o again!]

The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]

Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
[And we know what the F represents.]

The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today!]

Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over
his head.
[Brain freeze must promote creativity.]

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
[25% of Americans are bachelors.]

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South
Bend, Indiana.
[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]


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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 09:33:37 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: mow the lawn<adult>

      One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking
      beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

      The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this
      that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

      I calmly replied, "I am.  That's why she cuts the grass."

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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 12:24:52 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Whose to Blame?

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers
for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own
problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while
driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,
you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for
poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was
dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at
35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer
while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

-=} Randall {=-  A man who smiles when things go wrong has a computer to blame
it on.

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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 14:13:02 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Men caring for selves

  Jordan and Lindy Schweiger have written a book that can be read in one sitting
in one moment, actually.  "Everything Men Knew About Taking Care of Themselves Before Women Came Along" is the name of the 96-page book.  As most women
could guess, all of the pages are blank.
  The Schweigers   who publish under the pseudonym Dr. Ever E. Mann   came
up with the idea when they heard about a similar blank work. The couple surveyed people at shopping malls in Texas, where they lived at the time, to come up with a
title for their book.
  When they considered what to do with money from the sales, they realized they wanted to help a charity. The result: 100 percent of the book's profits will go to the Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service in Salem, which provides assistance to women
and children who survive domestic violence.
  "We're making fun of men, but the reality is, there's a serious problem," said Lindy Schweiger, 20.  The Schweigers were students at Oregon State University until
spring, when they quit school and their jobs to move to Texas. They recently returned
to Oregon, settling in Stayton. They are trying out entrepreneurial ideas and want to write more books in the future, maybe even with words in them.

+Source: Associated Press, Dec. 26, 2002+

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Date:    Sun, 29 Dec 2002 14:30:28 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 29th ~ Texas Admission Day

Texas became the 28th state of the United States in 1845. The Congress of
the Republic of Texas voted to become a state on June 23, 1845.

1) Which of the following foods should be fried?
a) all foods
b) all foods
c) all foods
d) all foods

2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?

3) What is 8 + 3 ?
a) what?
b) the number of people living in your trailer home
c) fertilizer
d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three

4) I will cheat on my husband...
a) for a quart of Schlitz
b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
c) because he cheats on our daughter
d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove

5) I wash my underwear when...
a) I go swimming with it on
b) I wash my truck
c) it gets brittle
d) it rains

6) I brush my teeth when...
a) I wash my truck
b) they bleed
c) it rains
d) Never. I don't have teeth

7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?
a) 15-20
b) 21-25
c) 26-30
d) beer

8) My favorite book is...
a) TV Guide
b) Jaws
c) Bob Barker's Bio
d) What is a book?

9) Country music is so great because...
a) it makes me cry
b) it goes good with fried food
c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops
d) Black people can't dance to it

10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than...
a) Oprah
b) okra
c) a V8 engine
d) greased up goats

11) Cholesterol is...
a) monster truck fuel
b) a laxative
c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas
d) don't know

12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy
a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob."
b) is tougher than prison bacon."
c) is uglier than a mud fence."
d) is one little fork short of a fondue party"

13) Women should...
a) never clean house unless they're naked
b) put gravy on everything
c) cost less
d) bait their own hook

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

"I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas

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Date:    Mon, 30 Dec 2002 01:42:00 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Is there a God?  < part 2 of 5 >

        A member of the famed Upright Citizens Brigade, Matt Besser was in the cast of the
comedy troupe's excellent Comedy Central series.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Matt Besser: [Long, lingering pause.]  No.

        Singer, songwriter, guitarist, label mogul, and rock icon Ani DiFranco just released
a live double album called So Much Shouting / So Much Laughter.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Ani DiFranco: Well, it depends on how you mean.  In my book, no.  I guess the quick
answer would be "no" for me.  I think, whatever my spiritual leanings are, that the
deities are many and that we possess them.  I do not assign responsibility to a
higher being.  I think that we're responsible to each other, and God is a metaphor.

        Actor and Phantom Planet drummer Jason Schwartzman is best known for his role in

The Onion: Is there a God?

Jason Schwartzman: I don't know.  I hate to get religious, but I know I'm talking to
somebody.  When I was a little kid, I was talking to someone when I was in Little
League and I was all, like, "Please, may I not drop the ball?" So there's hopefully
someone out there that I was talking to.

O: So you're saying you have a personal relationship with God.

JS: I have his phone number.

        The jangly guitar of Roger McGuinn, former leader of The Byrds, remains one of the
most unmistakable sounds in rock music.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Roger McGuinn: I believe God exists, absolutely.

        Performance artist, musician, and author Laurie Anderson's most recent studio album
is 2001's Life On A String.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Laurie Anderson: Yes.

O: Do you want to elaborate on that?

LA: Well, okay, at the risk of being completely corny, it exists as a potential in
every single person.  That's what attracts me to Buddhism, because it's the only
belief system in which there is no God at all.  There is no big authority figure;
there is no ultimate anything.  You are God.  And that's really terrifying.
Suddenly, you realize, "Oh my God, that means I'm responsible, and there's nobody to
grovel in front of, no one to blame, and no one to praise.  I need to do this
myself." That's almost more than anybody can take, but that's what I admire about

        Chuck Palahniuk wrote Fight Club and four other novels, including the new Lullaby.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Chuck Palahniuk: Yes.

O: Care to elaborate?

CP: Boy.  Let me get back to you when I'm dead.

        Andy Richter, the former co-host of Late Night With Conan O'Brien, has gone on to
act in countless movies and TV shows.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Andy Richter: I don't think so.  I don't know.  I don't think about it much, because
I figure, what's the point?  I don't know if it's agnosticism.  There are things that
are beyond our comprehension, so why bother?  That's sort of my spiritual feelings.
I feel like there might be some design.  You can't think, like, "Well, how did
everything get here?" I don't know.  That's how it is.  "I don't know, next, now
what's for lunch?" When you pray, I don't think anyone's listening.  Besides other
people, I don't think anyone cares if you murder people or masturbate or shove things
up your butt.  I don't think there's anybody sitting in the sky watching you.  You're
on your own.  All you have is other people around you, and how you treat them.  I
actually think that not having a focus on God would make life better, because there
would be more of an imperative to be nice to each other.  There would be no more
brand-name wars over stuff, and pointless arguments over east side/west side,
go-fight-win.  But I don't know.  People have got to worry about something, and
there's obviously some kind of anthropological, almost zoological need.  This
particular animal does this particular thing.  Instead of constructing a hive out of
paper that they chew up, they create a God.  It's just something that they do.

        Marvel Comics godfather Stan Lee has been a comics-industry icon since the 1960s.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Stan Lee: Well, let me put it this way... [Pauses.]  No, I'm not going to try to be
clever.  I really don't know.  I just don't know.

        Stand-up comedian Dave Chappelle co-wrote, co-produced, and starred in Half-Baked,
and recently appeared in Undercover Brother.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Dave Chappelle: Yes, indeed.

O: Do you want to elaborate on that at all?

DC: There's no doubt in my mind.  If a guy like me can leave home with nothing and
eat every day, there's a God.

< to be continued >

        [  Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc. ]

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