Digest for Wednesday, December 25, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 565 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. New Federal Holiday: Christ Born On A Monday
  2. Oh NO, Santa!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
  3. A Cure for Writers Block
  4. Mistletoe
  5. The Perfect man and the perfect woman on Christmas Day
  6. December 25th ~ Christmas Day
  7. Defense contractor
  8. True stories
  9. The seasons of the year


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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 02:02:21 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: New Federal Holiday: Christ Born On A Monday

WASHINGTON, D.C.- As is often the case, this year's weekday placement of Christ's
birthday has caused serious disruption in work schedules as well as the retail
shopping season.  Employers, unsure about which days to grant as vacation, have
generously closed shop for most of this week, at an estimated cost of $12 billion.
With an already weakened economy, the loss of productivity has economists worried.
Also worrisome is the shortened shopping season this year, giving buyers less time
than ever to boost the flagging consumer confidence numbers.

To this end, a coalition of corporate lobbyists have begun pressuring members of
Congress to declare Christmas an official Federal holiday once the 2003 session
begins, to in essence proclaim that the Nazarean Messiah was born on a floating
Monday.  In this sense, Jesus Christ [though not specifically mentioned in the
politically sensitive rough draft of the legislation] will join the ranks of
America's founding fathers, each one born on the first day of the working week.

Not only would the proposed law give employers a predictable holiday vacation
calendar, it should also cut down on the days when people just sit around eating
Christmas candy and surfing the web.  Also, since Christmas Monday would always be
four weeks after Thanksgiving, the shopping season is of equal length year to year.
All told, accountants estimate that the plan could save Americans more than $1
trillion over the next ten years.

Predictably non-Christians and civil libertarians are up in arms over the proposal,
claiming that any such federal holiday would constitute an official sanctioning of a
single religion.  Liam Hedstrom, the bill's chief architect, says that he understands
these concerns, but still believes the holiday merits consideration.

"People need to remember that Jesus remains a very significant historical figure.  He
was a pioneer, the world's very first 'Christ Figure.'  You can't just sweep a legacy
like that under the rug."

Christians, as it turns out, aren't too pleased with the plan, either.  Few would
argue that the current December 25th date any actual historical value, but placing
the birth date of the Son of Man on a floating Monday strikes many Christians as a
touch blasphemous.

However, as University of South Jersey comparative religion professor Mike
Pickleworth explains, Biblical references to the precise day of Jesus' virginal birth
are unclear.  "Anyone who says they know for sure when Christ was born probably
hasn't taken into account the several hundred scholarly articles on the subject, each
one contradicting the other quite convincingly.  Saying that he was born on a Monday
is no more factually incorrect than saying he was born at any other stationary spot
on the calendar."

Perhaps the most incensed group regarding this issue is America's Pagan population.
It was their raucous festival on the shortest day of the year that inspired
Christians to magically move their faith's second most significant historical event
to late December, and Pagans say they are dead set against further altering the
calendar in the name of convenience.

Sources say plans to move the Winter Solstice celebrations to a floating Friday
failed earlier this month when astronomical authorities refused to cooperate.

The bill's chances of passage seem slim, though.  Congressional leaders are loathe to
put their name on it right away, and the President Bush still hasn't forgiven
Hedstrom since the lobbyist tried to tell him Santa didn't exist during his first
Christmas in the White House.
___
by Mark Arenz
© 2002 ridiculopathy.com

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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 07:10:53 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Oh NO, Santa!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

What do you MEAN, you didn't know what I wanted for Christmas?!?
Didn't you get my E-MAIL?!?!?

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

A Christmas Verse...

For God so loved the world
That he gave his only begotten Santa
So that whosoever believeth in Him
Shall not go jobless
But have everlasting credit.

             George 3:16


******************
I saw a sheep at a nativity set-up last night.... I know
I must've been dreaming, but I was sure I heard the little
bugger say, "Fleece Navidad!"




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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 05:43:20 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: A Cure for Writer's Block

--Boundary_(ID_Z38k7WCp9rs/i0Yb6S9nvg)
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BADLANDS, SD (AheadOfNews.com) - Dr. Freemont Clubb says that he's
found a cure for "writer's block", and so far, many professional
writers agree.

Writer's Block, the dreaded "blank page syndrome" that haunts so many
otherwise happy and creative authors, is one of the problems that even
famous and highly respected authors must sometimes cope with.

But if Dr. Clubb has his way, not any longer. "It's mostly about the
mind/body dichotomy," says Clubb. "And the rest is what I call the
mind/mind dichotomy."

"We take ourselves too seriously," he says, "so it's not a lack of
ideas that causes writer's block, it's a barrier erected by the
subconscious to avoid self- embarrassment. And there's only one way to
overcome your own subconscious mind. You have to embarrass it
deliberately, and hard."

Dr. Clubb's patients are given a list of embarrassing things to do. The
first one, called the "Jackson Tango", involves riding an elevator with
strangers. Then they must grab their crotch in a sudden and surprised
manner, and yell "Hoo! Ha! Doodeley Dah! Wiggeddy wiggedy Blah Blah
Blah!", and then say "Er, sorry. I'm not good with elevators."

"It's a jolt to the forebrain," says Clubb. "You'd be amazed at how
effective a little bit of severe embarrassment is at shutting down the
internal censors."

Author Charles Littlesly says that the exercises "work like a charm".
"I was always held back by the little man inside me who wanted
everything to be perfect. Now he's flogging me on, shouting don't do
the elevator thing again, please!. I've written more in the past few
weeks than I did in the past few years!"
---
"When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity."
                                  ~John F. Kennedy


--Boundary_(ID_Z38k7WCp9rs/i0Yb6S9nvg)
Content-type: text/enriched; charset=US-ASCII
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<fontfamily><param>Verdana</param>BADLANDS, SD
(<bold><underline><color><param>FFFD,0000,0000</param>AheadOfNews.com</color></underline></bold>)
- Dr. Freemont Clubb says that he's found a cure for "writer's block",
and so far, many professional writers agree.


Writer's Block, the dreaded "blank page syndrome" that haunts so many
otherwise happy and creative authors, is one of the problems that even
famous and highly respected authors must sometimes cope with.


But if Dr. Clubb has his way, not any longer. "It's mostly about the
mind/body dichotomy," says Clubb. "And the rest is what I call the
mind/mind dichotomy."


"We take ourselves too seriously," he says, "so it's not a lack of
ideas that causes writer's block, it's a barrier erected by the
subconscious to avoid self- embarrassment. And there's only one way to
overcome your own subconscious mind. You have to embarrass it
deliberately, and hard."


Dr. Clubb's patients are given a list of embarrassing things to do.
The first one, called the "Jackson Tango", involves riding an elevator
with strangers. Then they must grab their crotch in a sudden and
surprised manner, and yell "Hoo! Ha! Doodeley Dah! Wiggeddy wiggedy
Blah Blah Blah!", and then say "Er, sorry. I'm not good with
elevators."


"It's a jolt to the forebrain," says Clubb. "You'd be amazed at how
effective a little bit of severe embarrassment is at shutting down the
internal censors."


Author Charles Littlesly says that the exercises "work like a charm".
"I was always held back by the little man inside me who wanted
everything to be perfect. Now he's flogging me on, shouting
<italic>don't do the elevator thing again, please!</italic>. I've
written more in the past few weeks than I did in the past few years!"

---

"When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two
characters.

One represents danger and the other represents opportunity."

                                 ~John F. Kennedy

</fontfamily>


--Boundary_(ID_Z38k7WCp9rs/i0Yb6S9nvg)--

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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 09:06:46 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Mistletoe

It was slightly before Thanksgiving.  The trip went reasonably
well, and I was ready to go back.  The airport on the other end
had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone
who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I
was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become
one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some
of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent
it, I said to the attendant,  "Even if I were not married, I
would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of
mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up.  Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 08:32:35 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Perfect man and the perfect woman on Christmas Day

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course,perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Day, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car (a Ferrari 355) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of
toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only
one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer)

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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.

***WOMEN: Stop reading here; that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling.****

 >>>

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way,
if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
women never listen either.

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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 07:39:13 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 25th ~ Christmas Day

SEE MOTHER, FUNNY, FUNNY MOTHER!
See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy about
Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.
Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time. Funny, funny Mother.

See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all done. See
the children watch T.V. Watch children, watch. See the children change their
minds. See them ask Santa for different toys. Look, look, Mother is not
smiling. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will make
robes. Mother will make shirts. Look ...  Mother put the zipper in wrong.
See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See Mother cut the skirt too
short. See Mother put the material away until January. Look, look, see
Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy candied
pineapple and powdered sugar. See Mother buy flour and dates and pecans and
brown sugar and bananas and spice and vanilla. Look, Look, Mother is mixing
everything together. See the children press out the cookies. See the flour
on their elbows. See the cookies burn. See the cake fall. See the children
pull taffy. See Mother pulls her hair. See Mother cleans the kitchen with
the garden hose. Funny, funny, Mother.

See Mother. See Mother wrap presents. See Mother look for the end of the
scotch tape roll. See Mother bites her fingernails. See Mother go. See
Mother goes to the store for the 12th time in one hour. See Mother go. See
Mother goes faster. Run Mother, run! See Mother trims the tree. See Mother
has a party. See Mother makes popcorn. See Mother scrubs the rug. See Mother
tears up the organized plan. See Mother forgets the gift for Uncle Harold.
See Mother gets the hives! Go Mother Go! See the far-away look in Mother's
eyes. Mother is disorganized. Mother is disoriented. Funny, funny Mother.

It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family. See Father smile.
Father is happy. Smile Father Smile! Father loves the fruitcake. Father
loves the Christmas pudding. Father loves his new neckties. Look, look. See
the happy children. See the children's toys. Santa was very good to the
children. The children will remember this Christmas. See Mother. Mother is
slumped in a chair. Mother is crying uncontrollably. Mother does not look
well. Mother has ugly dark circles under her blood shot eyes. Everyone helps
Mother to bed. Mother sleeps quietly under heavy sedation. See Mother smile!
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Happiest of the Season's Greeting to Everyone!!

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 08:41:35 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Defense contractor

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.  At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful
explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.  When the subject
came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense
contractor."
  The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory
to myself.  Then one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put
up mainly?  Chain-link?"



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Date:    Thu, 26 Dec 2002 00:20:42 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: True stories

A store clerk asked for my zip code, apparently as part of their market research.
Rather than just saying, "No," I told the young Induhvidual at the cash register that
it was unlisted.  The Induhvidual looked at me with obvious confusion and said, "I
didn't know that you could do that."

I replied, "Of course, but like telephone numbers, it costs extra."  I looked back as
I was leaving, and observed the Induhvidual still lost in thought, and the next
customer impatiently waiting for service.
___

I had a few Sacagawea gold dollar coins that I wanted to get rid of so I used them at
the Wal-Mart to pay for part of my order.  The cashier looked at them, puzzled, and
asked what they were.  I told her that they were the new dollar coins.  She replied,
"Are you sure?"  I told her yes, I was sure that they were money.  "Alright then, if
you say so," she said, and took them.

Next week I'm planning to pay for my entire grocery trip with buttons and rocks.
___

A friend was sitting in history class at his university, waiting for the professor to
arrive. He heard a guy behind him talking to one of his friends, saying, "Hey, I
wonder if Christmas would ever fall on Friday the 13th."
___

We upgraded everyone in the office to Microsoft Office XP, and since then a
particular In-duh-vidual has blamed the upgrade for everything that has gone wrong
with her computer. She even accused the software upgrade of shortening her mouse
cord. It turns out she just got new bifocals and was sitting farther from her
computer than usual.
___

I asked my manager, "What is Karen's last name?" My manager replied, "Karen who?"
___

I was forced to attend a seminar on leadership. We were broken into small groups and
each was asked to state what skills a good leader possesses. I wrote, "Needs to be
good with elephants and crossing Alps." The others at my table were amused, but the
seminar coordinator didn't get it. I said it was a reference to Hannibal, known for
his leadership qualities. Her reply: "What leadership qualities? He was a cannibal,
and anyway, it was lambs, not elephants."
___

I was on the phone asking directions on how to get to an Induhvidual's business:


Me:           I'll be driving on I-95.  Is your company east
              or west of the interstate?

Induhvidual:  It depends on which direction you're driving.
___

Overheard in an elevator:

Induhvidual 1: "Wow, it's going to be 24 degrees tonight.
               That's sub-zero!"

Induhvidual 2: "It's below sub-zero!"

Induhvidual 1: "That's what sub-zero means: below zero."
___

Seen next to a water dispenser with a large jug of bottled water: "Employees are
forbidden to use the bottled water to make coffee."  So it's okay to just DRINK the
water, but if you have the audacity to run it through a bunch of coffee grounds and
THEN drink it, you're in a world of hurt.
___

The day before the latest stamp price hike, a cow-orker announced she was going to
the post office to stock up on stamps before they raised the prices.  Note: she just
completed her MBA.
___

My university just published a new class schedule.  There isn't enough room on the
schedule for full names so we end up with interesting abbreviations.  I was looking
through the Psychology section, when I noticed a course that I assume is really
Psychological Assessment II. But it was listed as "Psycho Asses II."
___     ___     ___     ___
--From Dilbert.com

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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 23:40:13 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The seasons of the year

A first grade school teacher asked if anyone in her class could name the four
seasons  of the year. One child raised his hand, stood and said, “There’s Duck
Season, Trout  Season, Deer Season,  and Christmas.” .

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