Digest for Tuesday, December 24, 2002

There are 8 messages totalling 397 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Trent Lotts Kwanzaa Message to the Nation
  2. The Tattoo
  3. Holiday cuisine
  4. "I am SO singing in tune!", The Old Perfesser sounded off.
  5. December 24th ~ Christmas Eve
  6. Weeweechu
  7. Car troubles
  8. Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5


Date:    Tue, 24 Dec 2002 02:02:22 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Trent Lott's Kwanzaa Message to the Nation

Republican Leader
Trent Lott
December 2002

Waaaaaaaah Zuuuuuuuup? Props to all the homeys and bizzos back at Ole Miss, and a
shout out to my D.C. posse.

Seriously, I would like to wish a Meaningful Kwanzaa to my people and join you in
introspective confrontation of self and society from December 26th to January 1st in
order to begin to receive and reconstruct our history and our lives, rebuilding a
more positive image.

Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, Imani.  Now, with that out of the

I mo take this op to lay my swerve on that riff I did at Double-Zero's candle jam.
Yo peeps, I was just trippin, doing a buck fifty and just busted a shiz-nits.  On the
furilla, my niggilla.  We was just kickin' it.  But, no diggety, my rap was totally
wack, nomsayin?

Now let's all slap skin and get down to the hardcore.  Don't forget who got the phat
pockets, and I'm fixin' to stack you brothers up some serious scrilla scratch.  You
heard? And all those Senate bee-yotches tryin' to Swazey my ass, ya need to just slow
ya roll else we gone knuckle up and I mo bust a cap in yo doggy bone.

Crack another 40 and smoke some kill,

Trent Lott
© Specious World News Organization

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Date:    Tue, 24 Dec 2002 13:50:48 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Tattoo <insensitive>

The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he was
working in labor and delivery.

One patient had some type of fish-shaped tattoo on her abdomen. "That
sure is a pretty whale," the doctor commented.

With a pained smile, the woman replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

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Date:    Tue, 24 Dec 2002 05:51:07 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Holiday cuisine

Real life holiday eating tips

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday eating do's and don'ts.  Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief.

Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?
Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them
behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards,

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the

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Date:    Tue, 24 Dec 2002 07:47:09 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: "I am SO singing in tune!", The Old Perfesser sounded off.

Little Maury had been listening to his Auntie MrsPerfesser
practicing her singing.

"Auntie," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."

"That’s awful nice of you, little Maury," she said. "Why?"

"Then I'd only have to listen to this once a year!"

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
I writ me a Christmas song this year:

Deck the malls this Christmas season,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Blow your cash for no good reason,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Push the charge card to it's limit,
    Fa la la, la la la, la la la,
My check book now has nothing in it,
    Fa la la la la, la laaa - laaa - LAAAA!

            - The Old Perfesser

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Some neighbors from the next trailer park gave the old and
MrsPerfesser a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as
the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the
pie tasted bad. As a matter of fact, it was so inedible that
MrsPerfesser had to throw it away.

Ever gracious and tactful, MrsPerfesser still felt obliged
to send the neighbors a note.  It read:
"Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that
doesn't last very long in our house."

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

MrsPerfesser tried a new method of roasting the Christmas
The instructions said, "Wrap in aluminum foil and cook
until brown."

At 5:00, the old perfesser asked how dinner was coming,
and she said, "It'll be a while yet... the foil still
isn't turning brown."

I want Santa's job... A balding fat guy, sitting
around for hours on end AND getting paid for it!
              - The Old Perfesser

Add photos to your e-mail with MSN 8. Get 3 months FREE*.

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Date:    Tue, 24 Dec 2002 05:17:49 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 24th ~ Christmas Eve

The night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse.

The following are kids' interpretations of Christmas carol lyrics:
- Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.
- We three kings of porridge and tar.
- On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.
- Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
- He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
- Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
- With the jelly toast proclaim.
- Olive, the other reindeer.
- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.
- Sleep in heavenly peas.
- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and
- You'll go down in Listerine.
- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.
- O come, froggy faithful.
- You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require."
- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid.

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Tue, 24 Dec 2002 10:33:30 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Weeweechu

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan  Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


[Thanks to Jim Wisdom]


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Date:    Tue, 24 Dec 2002 16:23:56 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Car troubles

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  A customer brought his new car into our dealership to have the automatic
transmission repaired.  He said he could not understand how the problem
occurred since he took such great care of his car.  I reminded him that the
vehicle was still under warranty, so he shouldn't worry about it.
  "By the way," I asked before he walked out, "why are there two brackets on
your front bumper?"
  "Oh, those?" he replied.  "They're for my snowplow."

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Date:    Wed, 25 Dec 2002 01:29:21 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Bored with scaring elderly misers, the Ghost of Christmas Future is
spending the holiday season taunting modern children with visions of Christmas 2016's
hottest toy: the Sony PlayStation 5, a 2,048-bit console featuring a 45-Ghz trinary
processor, CineReal graphics booster with 2-gig biotexturing, and an RSP connector
for 360-degree online-immersion play.

"You know how kids are—a year is an eternity to them," the wraithlike specter said
Monday during a visit to the Southfield home of 13-year-old Josh Kuehn.  "So just
imagine showing them something they'll have to wait 14 years for.  Teasing them with
a glimpse of the PS5 is the ultimate torture.  They absolutely lose their minds.
It's like saying, 'Hey, kid, you'll be an old man before you ever get to touch

The Ghost of Christmas Future said he has visited more than 125,000 homes since
Thanksgiving, offering children an agonizing sneak peek at what they cannot have for
another decade and a half.

"I like to appear in the living room with a PS5 hooked up to 2016's most popular TV,
the 4'x8' Hi-Def Sony Titania," the Ghost said.  "Then, I'll say in my best spooky
voice, 'Jimmy!  Behold what your kids will be playing while you're slaving away at an
office job to support them!'"

Driving the children mad with PS5 lust, the Ghost said, is a multi-step process.

"I usually start by showing them Toteki Aluminum, one of the future's most popular
fight-and-chase games," the Ghost said.  "It's far from the best available in 2016,
but it always blows their mind to see the guy get hit with the falling sign while the
drops of sweat fly off his face.  You can see the whole scene, distorted, in each of
the individual drops.  That gives them a good preliminary idea of the graphics
technology we're dealing with."

The Ghost said he then likes to show Airsledz, a racing game in which jet-powered
sleds whoosh through a four-dimensional racing course in the sky.  The game, he said,
enables the player to compete online against dozens of other players all around the

"They always ask if you can play it on the Internet—it's so cute how they still call
it 'the Internet'—and I tell them, 'Hey, you can play this against 63 other PS5
owners simultaneously.  At least you can in 14 years,'" the Ghost said.  "And you
should see their jaws hit the floor when they learn about the add-on accessories that
enable users to actually fly around the room during gameplay."

Once the capabilities of the system are conveyed to the children, the Ghost likes to
push them further over the edge by showing them games specially targeted to their age

Younger children, he said, salivate upon seeing Level One of Zonic Fugue.  In it,
Zonic, the indigo-colored son of Sonic The Hedgehog, faces off against Chuckles The
Echidna in a Terrordactyl sky-joust, attempting to earn the Ankle Rockets he needs to
gather the five Chaos Sapphires that, when combined, form the master key that opens
the Melody Dome.

To break the spirits of children 12 and up, the Ghost runs a brief demonstration of
Back To Werewolf Island.  The horror-action thriller, he said, will be produced in
full 10.8 Omneo sound and feature new music from 40 of 2016's hottest skagcore acts,
including FU3P, Dredgerous, and Frances Cobain.

"Sometimes, the kids will start getting defensive and say, 'Yeah, well, I don't know
any of those characters, so big deal,'" the Ghost said.  "That's when I pull out DC
vs. Marvel."

The Ghost said he shows the children a brief clip of DC vs. Marvel, in which
cinema-realistic figures of Spider-Man and the Joker dash across impossibly detailed
city streets, attacking each other with dozens of different offensive maneuvers while
leaping, somersaulting, and throwing objects.

"They usually start trembling at that point," the Ghost said.  "That's when I go in
for the kill by casually mentioning that the game comes packaged with the 2016
feature film of the same name—not on DVD, of course, but on SCAP.  Ten times better."

The few children unbroken by DC vs. Marvel are invariably finished off by the sight
of Star Wars—Episode IX: Jedi Destiny, a game which employs the world's most advanced
artificial-intelligence algorithm to place the player inside the film's climactic
battle sequence on the planet Mon Jeedam.

"With more than 12,000 distinct soldiers, creatures, and vehicles fighting at once,
and the option to command the New Republic Fleet, the Imperial Armada, or the Yuuzhan
Vong Invasion Force, it's not merely the best Star Wars game that's ever existed;
it's an interactive film that looks better than any movie that's ever been made.  No
child has failed to sob hysterically at the sight of it."

The PlayStation 5 will be available in stores Nov. 12, 2016, at a list price of ?399
New Dollars ($199 Canadian).
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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