Digest for Sunday, December 22, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 647 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. French to Send Surrender Advisors to Iraq
  2. Kids Enjoy The Season
  3. The Twelve Days of Christmas (Part 1)
  4. Speeding!!!!!
  5. Holiday Politics
  6. December 22nd ~ Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
  7. ovary
  8. Withdrawal
  9. Life explained
  10. Is there a God? < part 1 of 5 >


Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 02:02:19 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: French to Send Surrender Advisors to Iraq

Paris - In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced
today that the French government will be supporting the War on Terror after all.
Five hundred soldiers from the elite L'Abandonnement du Field d'Honneur Battalion
(French Surrender Battalion) of the Legion Etrangere (Foreign Legion) are in the
process of shipping out to Iraq where they will assist the elite Iraqi Republican
Guards in their inevitable surrender to the overwhelming might of the American Armed

"Eet ees important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering," said General
Philippe de Peepee, the Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who has
personally surrendered in over 200 battles going back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954.  "We
French are ze world masters at surrendering, n'est ce pas, not like you arrogant
Americans who never surrender.  Ha, I spit on your filthy American victories."

President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3000 advisors
from the elite Force du Collaborateur Francaise (French Collaboration Force) to
assist the Iraqis in collaborating with the Americans while pretending to be part of
a non-existent resistance movement.
by William Grim
© Copyright 2002 Broken Newz

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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 07:11:34 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Kids Enjoy The Season

A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas.
When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.

His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows
what it is.

She replies, "Yes... it's breakable."

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

World Famous Recipe

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Did you hear about the tightwad Scotsman, who went behind the
barn the night before Christmas, fired a shot, and then told
his two children that Santa Claus had committed suicide?

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

How To Make A Kid Cry

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Christmas was fast approaching when Mom reminded her eight-year-old
son that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus.

He seemed unusually resistant to the idea.

"You do believe in Santa, don't you?" Dawn finally asked her son.

He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the last year."

Why do some people try to hijack Santy Claus Day,
the most important commercial holiday of the year,
and try to make it into some kind of religious event?

The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 3 months FREE*.

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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 06:49:12 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Twelve Days of Christmas (Part 1)

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado
                              December 14, 1999

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful
gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

                              With deepest love and devotion,


                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado
                              December 15, 1999
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are just adorable.

                              All my love,


                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado
                              December 16, 1999
Dearest John:
Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too



                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado
                              December 17, 1999
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough?
You're being too romantic.



                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado
                              December 18, 1999
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings;
one for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it!
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on
my nerves.

                              All my love,


                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado
                              December 19, 1999
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying
on my front steps.  So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the

Please stop.



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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 09:00:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Speeding!!!!!

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The
woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse
and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 08:59:50 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Holiday Politics

How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson

And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how
they vote? Not so!  Just observe how they act during the holidays:

Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to
the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to pan-
handlers on the street.

Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
Democrats ask for egg nog.

When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of
their hair.

Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so.  That is why their kids pretend to
shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating
the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to
enjoy the scenery.

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-WingRepublicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".

Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they
buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts...and reposition
them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards.  Public ridicule from Democrats usually
discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer."
Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas."
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".

Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the
week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in
Santa Claus.


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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 10:50:40 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 22nd ~ Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

10th sign of the Zodiac
RULING PLANET: Saturn, father time, the one with the scythe.
ELEMENT: Earth (practical)
QUADRUPLICITY: Cardinal (action)
POLARITY: Negative / Feminine (receptive or introvert)
SYMBOL: The Goat is the sign of the achiever.
COLOR OF CHOICE: Indigo, Royal Blue
BODY PART: Capricorn rules the knees and the skeleton.
KEY PHRASE: "I rule."
* On the downside: Cold, Miserly, Indifferent, and Rigid.
* Your good qualities include: Practical, Self-disciplined, Responsible, and
* Controlling your abilities, ambitions, destiny, and priorities will be
your lifeís work.

Knowing how that Jolly Old Elf always knows things, I offered to give him
some hints on what the signs would want for Christmas. To my everlasting
surprise, he told ME! So hold on as you find out what Santa will be putting
in your stocking! Santa said to remind you that this will fit the sun, moon
or rising sign, and he said to tell you that you should chuckle as you read
it since it's all in fun!

ARIES: They just LOVE all these little moving things - these little RED
things - all these NEW things! And of course, all the SHARP things! But they
also get TIRED of ALL things quickly - so it's best to give them many
DIFFERENT things, Santa Love!

TAURUS: They love "stuff" - period! Of course they really like it when it is
expensive - when it is VERY pretty - and when they can show it off to their
friends. The thing is - you should keep YOUR hands OFF of "their stuff" for
your own safety! (So sayeth Santa Sweetie!)

GEMINI: Geminiís are so CURIOUS that they have to stay occupied. They like
to look and touch and wonder - so be sure to give them many, many things -
the more the merrier. it need not be expensive - just be sure there are MANY
of them! Got it Santa, Dear?

CANCER: Cancers love to "feel" things so obviously they love to have things
that bring out their feelings - Teddy Bears and dolls and things that are
"loving". They also like to feed their faces - so put some food in that
stocking, Santa Baby!

LEO: Well, actually, Leos think they ARE Santa Claus (or should be) so it's
hard to get them things. Of course, it would be nice to let them drive the
sleigh, and make the toy decisions and things like that - in short, PUT THEM

VIRGO: Obviously, they have a LONG list of things they want in their
stockings - nice, practical things - things they can DO things with. Give
them a gadget to help them organize - or some nice healthy PURE food. The
list is ENDLESS!

LIBRA: Now Santa Love, you know that what they REALLY want won't fit in that
stupid stocking! (Well, maybe some parts would!) It would be BEST if you
could just find a HUMAN STOCKING and tack it to the mantle. In lieu of that,
Santa Sweets, anything expensive would do just fine!

SCORPIO: SANTA!!!! In front of the children???? I'm SURPRISED at you! You
just can't go around GIVING these Scorpios what they really want - there are
LAWS about these things! Well - try giving them some money - they like that!
How about some POWER Santa? Got any extra on hand?

SAGITTARIUS: Now you know good and well what these guys want - they want to
ride all over Hell's half acre with YOU AND RUDOLPH! Besides, how can you
fill their stockings? They're never there - how can you find them? (What do
you mean you have your ways? I don't think I like your attitude, Santa!)

CAPRICORN: Oh yea! Go ahead! Play favorites now! We all KNOW that YOU are a
Capricorn and that you favor the Cappies! In the future we will KNOW when
these guys get more loot than the rest of us! What makes you think they work
any harder than us? What makes you think they deserve more? Hey! Gimme

AQUARIUS: Santa, I have seen lots of strange stuff in my life, but this
thing is the STRANGEST! What would you do with it? (You mean Aquarians know
what to do with this? Hmmmm) But what about the little Kidlet Aquarians?
Hmmmmm, them too huh? Well, I guess you know best, Old Guy, but this DOES
seem a little cruel to me....

PISCES: Now Santa, just because they say they will sacrifice themselves for
others and "don't want a thing", I think you better regroup. You can't let
these poor sweet souls wake up to an EMPTY STOCKING because you gave their
loot to someone else! Whadda ya mean they wouldn't mind? I think they WOULD
Copyright 1994-1997 by Rowena Wall. All Rights Reserved

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 09:43:55 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: ovary<adult>

What did one ovary say to the other one?

"Did you order any furniture?"

"No. Why?" asked the other.

"Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 14:41:54 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Withdrawal

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  In my job with a credit union, I often run across accounts that are protected
by password.  The credit-union member, when withdrawing funds, must
produce identification and then give the password to the teller.  Recently,
when I asked a woman for her password, she sighed, rolled her eyes and
replied, "Save."
  I was puzzled until she explained, "My husband put in that password so
I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."

Get 25MB of email storage with Lycos Mail Plus!
Sign up today -- http://www.mail.lycos.com/brandPage.shtml?pageId=plus

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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 18:40:49 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Life explained

    1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

   2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

  4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of

   5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

   6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to.

   7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

  8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

   9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

   10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

  11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.

  14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

  15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people
are all over you.   Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

-=} Randall {=-  I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

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Date:    Sun, 22 Dec 2002 23:00:37 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Is there a God?  < part 1 of 5 >

        Throughout history, humanity has sought to explain the unexplainable through
        spirituality and science, grappling to glean truth from competing ideologies.
        In a complicated and conflicted world, it would help to at least be assured
        in our faith, comfortable in the knowledge that we can follow the spiritual
        blueprint espoused by our favorite entertainer.  These responses to the question
        "Is there a God?" don't form a cohesive answer, so readers will have to draw
        their own conclusions.  For example, those with unwavering faith in a higher power
        can take solace in the beliefs of Rick James and Everybody Loves Raymond star
        Patricia Heaton, while atheists can share a common bond with director Todd Solondz
        and Buffy The Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon. Those who remain undecided
        should scour the 40 remaining answers gathered over the course of the past two
        years and base their religious beliefs on those of the celebrity they like best.

        Conan O'Brien can be seen every weeknight on Late Night With Conan O'Brien, repeats
of which now air at a respectable hour on Comedy Central.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Conan O'Brien: Yes.  Wait, hold on.  No.

        The former lead singer of Talking Heads, David Byrne is an author, musician, and
head of the world-scouring Luaka Bop record label.

The Onion: Is there a God?

David Byrne: Um... whoa.  I'm going to resist trying to go for a flip and funny
answer.  [Pauses.]  I would say yes, but in a form so strange and so convoluted and
so unusual for us that we will never, ever comprehend it.

        John Leguizamo is an actor and monologist known for his one-man shows and
appearances in Summer Of Sam, Carlito's Way, and The Pest.

The Onion: Is there a God?

John Leguizamo: Yeah, but there's not just one God.  There's a whole lot of gods,
because one God couldn't have possibly made so many mistakes all by Himself.  This
had to be done by committee.

        Emo Philips regularly tours the nation's comedy clubs, and recently released a CD
titled Emo.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Emo Philips: Well, the God question, you can never know for sure.  'Cause let's say
you died, and you're in heaven for, like, 600 trillion years.  There still might be
an announcement over the PA system, "Well, everyone, this is the best we could do.
Sorry, we gave it a good go, you know, but we're imperfect." Mortal beings always
need faith that God exists, that a perfect God exists.  Like [mathematician Blaise]
Pascal said, do you choose to believe, or do you choose not to believe?  If you
choose to believe, you have nothing to lose, but if you choose not to believe, what
are you really going to get?  That's Pascal's Wager, and that should be taught in

        Nick Lowe has written and recorded hundreds of songs, some of the best of which can
be found on 2001's The Convincer.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Nick Lowe: [Long pause.]  Yes.

        Milwaukee-based filmmaker Mark Borchardt was the subject of the 1999 documentary
American Movie.

The Onion: Is there a God?

Mark Borchardt: Why ask me?

        Mike Binder is an actor (Minority Report), director (Blankman), and
creator/director/writer/ star (HBO's The Mind Of The Married Man).

The Onion: Is there a God?

Mike Binder: There is a God, but He doesn't like show business.

O: That's why show-business people don't have money or fame or success.

MB: Absolutely, absolutely.  That's why we suffer so.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
< to be continued >
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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