Digest for Thursday, December 19, 2002

There are 15 messages totalling 761 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. They grow up so fast!
  2. Seasons Groaners
  3. At The Dentists
  4. A snow shovelers diary
  5. Christmas Fruitcake
  6. God Late For Local Wedding
  7. Advisory From The Department Of Homeland Insecurity
  8. 3quickies
  9. The Redneck Night Before Christmas
  10. December 19th ~ Boyfriend Meets The Family Day
  11. Manners
  12. Christmastime at the Pearly Gates
  13. Child safety
  14. A letter from Santa [Sort of Adultish]
  15. The Night Before Christmas ~ Cajun Style


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 06:31:00 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: They grow up so fast!

Guess who's birthday it is?

Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week. Can you believe it? It seems like
only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and
knees.

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 13:34:31 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Season's Groaners <really bad groaners>

What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp
Kringle

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a
chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their
games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon
hood

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 07:08:59 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: At The Dentist's

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first
cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a
conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final
check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked,
"Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you
count?!"





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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 06:05:33 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A snow shoveler's diary

 DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

 December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
 season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
 window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
 looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds
 again. I love snow!

 December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
 covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
 be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best
 idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like
 a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
 the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
 driveway, so got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
 My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.

 No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
 the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think
 that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
 -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
 but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
 The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
 realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
 get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

 December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
 Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra! shovels. Stocked the
 freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
 think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

 December 16: Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the
 driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
 which I think was very cruel.

 December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
 Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
 warm. Nothing to do, but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
 Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
 hate it  when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
 living room.

 December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
 last night. More shoveling. Took all day. snowplow came by twice. Tried to
 find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
 hockey.  I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
 about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
 March. I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
 it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
 the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
 August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
 then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I
 was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the

 rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the %#$hole is lying.

 December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted
 me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
 didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think
 she's lying.

 December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.  Thought
 I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
 that snowplow, I'll drag him out and pound him flat! I know that he waits
 for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles
 an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
 wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
 was too busy watching for the snowplow.

 December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight.
 Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
 Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
 over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
 she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time,
 I'm going to kill her.

 December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
 all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

 December 27: Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze, but at least
 it is too cold to snow!!!!!!!!

 December 28: Warmed up to above -30, still can't snow any more though....
 SNOWED ANYWAY, and the HAG is driving me crazy!!!

 December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
 could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
 think I am?

 December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
 dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9"
 predicted for tonight.

 December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!

 January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
 giving me, but why am I tied to the bed?

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 04:56:36 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Christmas Fruitcake

Christmas Fruitcake

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets buck in the steaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Remember - You can NOT flush a fruitcake.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/


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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 08:10:56 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: God Late For Local Wedding

CARTHAGE, MO—An embarrassed God admitted Monday that He was late for the Saturday
wedding of Patrick Moore and Dina Roble, arriving halfway through the ceremony but
catching "most of the important stuff."

"It was one heck of a day," God said.  "Yes, I can be all places at once, but it's
just so hard to keep it all straight sometimes.  It's been crazy all month, and this
thing just came up so fast."

The ceremony that forever joined Moore, 28, and Roble, 26, in holy matrimony was held
at 11 a.m. at Sacred Heart Church on Gorman Avenue in Carthage.  Neither bride nor
groom was aware of the Lord's tardiness.

"Religion is very important to my entire family, and Dina and I plan to raise our
children in a Christian environment," Moore said.  "So it was important for us to
have our wedding in a Roman Catholic church, and be united under the eyes of God."

God admitted that His eyes were upon the couple for a little less than half of the
ceremony—"which is a lot," said God, considering the length of the Roman Catholic
liturgy.

"The Catholics go through everything at a wedding," God said.  "There's a sermon and
readings and even Communion.  With the songs and the procession and the 'I do' stuff
thrown in there, it takes so long.  And the whole time, it's stand, sit, kneel,
stand, sing, recite, sit, stand, sing, kneel, sit."

God added that the ceremony's liturgy of the Word—which includes readings from the
Old and New Testaments, a responsory Psalm, the "alleluia" before the Gospel, and a
Gospel reading—is nothing He hasn't already heard "billions of times."

Calling Himself "free of sin," the Lord blamed His late arrival on poor directions
provided by the couple.

"I was running a bit behind and, admittedly, I probably should have left a little
earlier," He said.  "But I really would have made it on time if I hadn't been stupid
enough to rely on that map Patrick included in the invitations.  It was barely
readable.  Then, I come to find out that East Gorman is a totally different street
than Gorman Avenue.  They run parallel.  So, for about 25 minutes, I'm cruising up
and down East Gorman like an idiot, looking for 299—and, of course, there isn't any."

Finally, at 11:30 a.m., halfway through the ceremony, God located the small brick
church.  He slipped in unnoticed during the middle of the second reading.

"I came in the back, really quiet, like a thief in the night.  Nobody turned around
or anything, so I doubt they noticed," God said.  "Besides, I am in a form no human
eyes can discern, so I'd have to be pretty clumsy to get busted."

God said He does not feel a need to tell Moore and Roble that His spirit was not
fully looking over them as they became husband and wife.

"Why point it out?" God said.  "I got there for the exchange of the wedding vows, so,
really, is any harm done?"

Among the parts of the wedding God missed were the prelude, in which Roble's sister
Tammy sang "Come And Journey With Me"; the processional; and the opening prayer, in
which God was personally thanked for attending the ceremony.

"It was such a beautiful day," Moore said.  "Everything was absolutely perfect.  We
were married in the presence of our friends, our family, and, of course, our God.
What more could we ask for?"

Even Father Michael White, who officiated the ceremony, was unaware of God's absence,
despite making numerous direct references to Him throughout.

"We always start off the ritual by welcoming God into His house and into the lives of
the soon-to-be-married couple," White said during the beginning of the ceremony.  "He
is as central to this as the bride and groom."

God said He has "no regrets" about His tardiness.

"I really don't mind weddings—they're better than the funerals," God said.  "But I've
already been to 892,245 of them in the past month alone.  It's not like I really
needed to hear one more organ rendition of 'Nearer To Thee.'"
___     ___     ___     ___     ___
© Copyright 2002, Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 08:14:28 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Advisory From The Department Of Homeland Insecurity

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND INSECURITY

Woody Allen, Director
Address Unlisted

The Department of Homeland Insecurity would like to announce its list of warnings for
today.  We urge the public at large -- and Tom Rollins of 462 Elm Drive in Kansas
City, Missouri in particular -- to follow them.

Stay at home.

Lock the doors.

Call in sick for work.  Something may be up.  We don't know what.

Don't try and comb your hair like John Kerry without expert supervision.

Your neighbor scares the s**t out of us as well.

Your ex-girlfriend hates your guts.

So do all women for that matter.

Don't try watching “The Blair Witch Project” by yourself again.

Go ahead.  Sleep with your teddy bear tonight.  It's alright.  We understand.

Don't eat that leftover egg roll.  There may be something in it.

Change deodorants.

Should you really be drinking so much coffee?

See a doctor about that cough.

Your parents always liked your sister better.

Do something about that mysterious odor emanating from your shoes.

Go on a diet.  Your getting a little hefty in the middle.

Are those gray hairs?

It's not us.

It's you.
___
Copyright © 2002 Chortler.com

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 07:12:42 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: 3quickies<adult>

Did You Know????=20
A blowjob is the only job in the world that cannot be=20
included in your resume despite years of experience=20
and a number of references.=20
- - -=20
Another Did You Know???=20

Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never=20
hurt anybody.=20
- - -=20
The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the=20
company's Dallas office.=20

"We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in=20
Detroit," her boss told her.=20

"Alright then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so=20
I can get started."=20
- - -=20

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 12:07:04 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Redneck Night Before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park
Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was asleep in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap
Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.

Then out in the vacant lot I heard such a commotion
I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue.

The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars
So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes
When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead his possums they came
And he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name
Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!

To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!
Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out the lead!
You know how, on our road, when a car goes by,
There's all this dirt flies up into the sky?

That's how this crew went straight on up to my roof
With that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin
The scrabbling around of them Flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts...
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet
And I had to give him credit he still had most his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
His eye took in our humble home
The furniture we bought on layaway in town...

Earline's pride, that Elvis on velvet...
My collections of barbed wire... and license plates made by relatives.
I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening tear
When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin' in her chair.

He kindly favored Hank, Jr., with a big round belly
That shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.
Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole Large screen TV,
And I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause he looked just like me!

When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
Why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight!
I stood there dreamin' of whitetail while I watched him work,
Then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
Then squoze up that dryer vent like spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn...I'm not lying'!
And they took off like white lightnin' with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heard him holler as headed for the 7-11....
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND MAY ALL REDNECKS GO TO HEAVEN!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 10:46:57 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 19th ~ Boyfriend Meets The Family Day

On the December 19, 1998 episode of "Fantasy Island," a couple celebrates
Boyfriend Meets The Family Day as the prospective groom meets his
girlfriend's family — a common custom around the holidays.

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Name: Last:_________________First________________ M.I.:___ Age:_____

Address:___________________________ County:______________________

Religion:_______________ # of attendances in the last year______

Parent: Father's Name__________#of marriages____# of affairs_____

           Mother's Name__________#of marriages____# of affairs_____

           Address:___________________________________________________

1.  Do you own or drive a van? (If so, please discontinue filling out form)
_____

2.  In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!! means to you? ______________

3.  In 50 words or less, describe what LATE means to you? ______________

4.  Where would you least like to be shot? ____________________________

5.  Which is the last bone you want broken? __________________________

6.  What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________

7.  The place for a woman is ________________________________________

8.  What is my daughter's name _____________________________________

9.  Who besides God should you fear the most? ________________________

10. Is there a history of insanity in your family? _________________________

11. Have you or any member of your family ever spent time in jail? _________

12. Are your parents closer relatives to each other than first cousins?
______


                       Parent's Use Only

Appearance (Looks Like)                    Status
Mel Gibson___________                      Accepted:____________
David Letterman___________               Pending:_____________
Pee Wee Herman____________           Rejected:____________

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 13:35:32 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Manners

A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to
remind her children of their thank-you note duties.  As a result
their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous
checks she had given.  The next year things were different,
however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent
told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed.  "What do you think caused
the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied.  "This year I didn't
sign the checks."
---
“Never mistake motion for action”
   ~Ernest Hemmingway

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 18:21:55 -0500
From:    Lee Bradley <brad8688@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Christmastime at the Pearly Gates

    Three bachelors waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St.Peter says
"It's
nearing Christmas. Give or tell me something significant to fit the
season."
    The first bachelor goes through his pockets, pulls out a book of
matches, lights one and says "This is supposed to be a candle." "Good
enough," says St. Peter.
    The second bachelor pulls out a set of keys and jingles them."What's
that?" says St. Peter. The Bachelor says "It's Jingle
Bells." St. Peter sighs heavily and says, "Fine...go ahead."
    Bachelor 3 starts going through HIS pockets, looking for something
that would be significant to Christmas...he finally pulls out a pair of
panties.
St. Peter says, "What's THAT got to do with Christmas?"  The bachelor says
"They're Carols!"

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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 18:34:23 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Child safety

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I was shopping in a supermarket when a young couple came in pushing a
little boy in a stroller.  I couldn't help noticing the father was in full punk regalia:
spiked hair, black leather gloves, snake tattoos visible on his arms.
  Later I saw him running through the market frantically calling for his son.
Relieved when he found the boy in another aisle, he embraced him and
admonished, "Don't go where Mommy and Daddy aren't able to see you.
A scary man might grab you."



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Date:    Thu, 19 Dec 2002 23:46:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A letter from Santa [Sort of Adultish]

Dear family and friends, AN IMPORTANT LETTER FROM SANTA

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this
year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies
for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all
the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12
fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10
ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking,
and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7
swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2
turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners
in bird poop. On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of
my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some
people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of
January.  Maybe next year I will be able to get myself together and bring you
the things you want. This year I suggest you get your butts down to Wal-Mart
before everything is gone.

Sincerely,

Santa Claus

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Date:    Fri, 20 Dec 2002 00:40:04 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Night Before Christmas ~ Cajun Style

THE CAJUN NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

It was de night jus right befo' Christmas an' all down de bayou,
errytang was quiet; not even a nutria go pitty pat in de waduh.
An' inside my house, me an' my wife was flat poop out from all
dat Christmas preparatin, an' was jes 'bout ready to retire for
de night. Le petit garcon an' la petite fille, dat is our little
boy an' our little girl, was already fas' asleep on dere moss
mattress an' visions of de Fais Do Do dance tru dere heads, dem
lil darlins. Dem long john was hung by de log burner wit care in
hope dat St. Nicholas soon would brought hisself dere... Now dat
de scene is set, Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

Well, out dere on de bayou dere arose such a clatter, I jump from
my bed to see what was de matter. I run like de rabbit to got to
de door, an' I trip on de dog an' fall on de floor. But, when I
got dere finally, an' push away de sack an' peek tru de crack an'
look in de far away, what you tought I saw! Well, you can tought
youself again 'cause you ain't goin' believe dis, no! De moon,
she was magnifique how she shine on de cypress tree an' reflect
off de bayou. An' coming right up to me at my house was dis great
big fancy pirogue being drewed along by eight great big ole alimagator!
Inside, a little old driver in Santa Claus costume was movin' along
like some crawfish done snuck up his culottes. Fas like de duck he
fly, an' call out to his alimagator like so: "Got yourself a move
on, Alphonse, Gaston, Raul, Pierre." You see, he call dem each by name.
"Come on, Etienne, Alois, Alcide, an' Bozo. I'll make soup out you tail
if you don't got yourself a move on! You is some slow alimagator, yeah!"

Well, it's up on de rooftop dem alimagator dey climb; Saint Nick, in
his pirogue, he's right behind. An' up on de rooftop, it sound like
de hail when dem big alimagator dey flop down dere tail!  As I tought
in my head, "What is he up dere for?," down the chimney Santa Claus
come wit a bang and land right on dem red hot coal in de fireplace!
Man, he got out dat fireplace some fast, I guarantee! An', I got to
see Santa Claus, an' I check him out pretty good cause you don't got
to see him in you house, you know, jus erry day!  He was all dress up
in dried muskrat from his head to his foot, an' his clothes was all
mess up wit ashes an' soot. A sack full of playting he had on hung
his back; he look like a peddler what was jus about ready to open up
his pack. He had a broad grin an' a round little belly dat shook when
he laugh like a bowl full of jelly. His eyes, how dey shine; his
dimples how merry! He look like he bin drinking de wine from de
blackberry. Wit a wink of his eye an' a jerk of his head, I guarantee
you I know I ain't got nuttin to be 'fraid of, no! Well, he went fast
to his work an' fill dem long john wit erreyting what you could
tought of an', when he fini, he lay both hand on top his head; he
look at dat fireplace and done said, "Wit all dat fire an' dem red
hot coal, I ain't going back dat way, dat's for sure!" So, it's right
out de front door he go. He climb up on de roof and sprung to his
pirogue an' crack his big whip. Dem big alimagator, dey move out an'
not one make a slip. An' I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
an' dis is what I want to pass along to you, dis lesson what I learn
from what happen to me like I'm told you from las' year; I heard him
exclaim as he rode out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all
a Good Night!"

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