Digest for Tuesday, December 17, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 666 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Sunday School vs Fishing
  2. "Orgasms Are Overrated" ...
  3. Holy Golf
  4. The Latest Virus.....
  5. Osama at the Pearly Gates
  6. A Wifes Night Before Christmas
  7. SafetyAlerts Monday, Dec 16 2002
  8. December 17th ~ Worlds Largest Office Party
  9. Jury duty
  10. Statement by the President < adult language >
  11. Statement by the President < adult language >


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 13:32:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Sunday School vs Fishing <clean>

A young boy came to Sunday School late.  His teacher knew that he was
usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he
needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had
explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go
fishing.

The boy replied, "Yes, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of
us."

----

What follows is a joke for the telepaths in the list:



.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 07:24:40 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: "Orgasms Are Overrated" ...

... The Old Perfesser told his wife anticlimactically.


      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

MrsPerfesser wanted a haircut. She phoned the Beaut de
Salon early for an appointment, but was told customers
were being taken on a walk-in basis only.

So, on Saturday she got there by 9 a.m and there were
already ten people waiting. She drove to another salon,
but it was booked solid. Still another had no openings.

The situation seemed hopeless, so she went home. She was
greeted at the door by her husband.

"That was fast," the old perfesser said cheerfully. "And
your hair looks great!"

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Dear Diary,

I hate it when the TV remote is all the way down at
the other end of the coffee table, just past the dog,
who wouldn't get it for you even if he had hands...

            - The Old Perfesser

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

MrsPerfesser woke up a little late one morning. Hearing her
husband running water in the bathroom, she asked, "Are you
brushing your teeth?"

The old perfesser answered, "Yes, dear. And while I was at
it, I brushed yours too."


******************
I know how to push all MrsPerfesser's buttons...
Now if I could only find the one marked OFF!!!
            - The Old Perfesser






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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 04:29:58 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Holy Golf

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benajmin Netanyahu,
the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge
you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by
the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his
hand.

"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a
man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can
offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your
personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation,
we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was
made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of
the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the
golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some
pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played
by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my
irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due
respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Absentee: A missing golf peg

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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 07:47:28 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Latest Virus.....

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only
erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything
on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on
ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up
the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to
call only 1-800 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish
tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It
will drink ALL of your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??? It will leave dirty underwear on
the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your
shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message
opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up
and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of
you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this
warning to everyone.

If you are a blonde, this is a joke.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 06:51:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Osama at the Pearly Gates

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the Pearly
Gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the
nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans'
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal
government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's
knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke,
James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and
America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him
back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

 As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams,
 "This is not what I was promised!"

 An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
 What did you think I said?"

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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 09:01:09 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Wife's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the  kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done,
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says, "What's taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter!
And if that doesn't work,  I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

            MERRY CHRISTMAS  EVERYONE

[Thanks to Cindy Corbett]


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 09:26:35 -0500
From:    Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.EDU>
Subject: SafetyAlerts Monday, Dec 16 2002

This is an honest-to-god email from an up-to-date-recalls website:


SafetyAlerts

Recalls
~~~~~~~~~~~

South Beach Beverage Has Recalled SoBe Green Tea and SoBe Energy
Reason: Due to the accidental presence of dextromethorphan, a
substance commonly found in over-the-counter cold and cough medications.
Distribution: CA, IL, IN, IA, KY, MN, NV, OK, TN, TX and Wisconsin.

~~~~~~~~~~~
End Recalls


Uh...  WHAT?!?!?!  How do you "accidentally" get dextromethorphan into
iced tea going into bottles on the production line???

"hey, harry...  you don't look so good, today.  And that cough sounds
terrible!  Here:  have some of my cough syrup; it'll fix you right up!"

"thanks, ralph..."  *COUGH* *COUGH*  [the bottle slips out of harry's
grasp]  "OOPS!!!"

"OHgeez!  *now* you've done gone and spilled it into the iced tea!
Well, I tell you what...  Let's not tell anyone, and maybe they won't
notice, ok?


*sigh*  in the words of yakov smirnoff....  "what a country!"


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Articles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CPSC Alerts Shoppers to Dangers of Using Loose-Fitting Cotton
Garments as Sleepwear for Kids
http://www.safetyalerts.com/articles/new.02/childcloth.htm
<a HREF="http://www.safetyalerts.com/articles/new.02/childcloth.htm">
Read Article</a>








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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 08:19:26 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

The building site foreman was showing a new employee around the site.
He was showing the new guy, an Italian, all of the facilities when he
ventured over to where his new workplace would be.  "Hey fellas"
shouted the foreman, "come over here to meet the new guy".  The four
builders wandered over to the foreman, and looked the new guy up and =
down.
"Fellas, this is Luigi Pdsjkdnvaskdeewf" said the foreman.  "And Luigi, =
this
is Mac, your leading hand, and this is Paddy, your union rep, and this =
is
Mick, the OH&S rep" advised the foreman.  "The last guy is Wack, an =
equal
employment opportuntity applicant.  He is a bit of a wacko".
"Thats it fellas, get back to work" cried the foreman.
The foreman left, and the four experienced guys were checking out Luigi,
still looking him up and down.

A couple of hours later, the foreman decided to check on Luigi.
He was worried about how he was getting on.  As he turned the corner of =
the
site, he saw the four experienced guys laying into Luigi, they were =
belting
the shit out of Luigi.  The foreman screams out:

"Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack, leave the wop alone !"

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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 16:12:06 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 17th ~ World's Largest Office Party <ADULT>

Office parties are held in every major city (with a Hyatt Hotel) on the
third Monday or Tuesday of December. The parties benefit children's
charities.

THE OFFICE PARTY
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general
feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty
son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the
office Christmas Party.  The Office Manager called me from the hospital
today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing
to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of
you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called
you Friday afternoon.  I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my
story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my
imagination.  Your children are undoubtedly yours too.  About the water
cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you
didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you
that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I
did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor
landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I
am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills
you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I
played on you.  If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It
would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn't been standing right under
the window you jumped through.  She really broke your fall a lot.  People
have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm.
But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of
it.  Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And boy the
water is sure cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me.  Opening the door to the broom
closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think
how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up
your pants, it makes me sick.  We'll have to get together for dinner some
night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding
them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk.
Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember
where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover.  Running
your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a
little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry.  Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at
the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her
because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about
it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will
do my utmost to come to the picnic....

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://onlineinolalla.com
http://ssibert911.com
http://crossingnewhorizons.com
http://olalla.us

"I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas
Edison

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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 19:14:15 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Jury duty

  Two women were sitting in the jury pool room down at the Hall of Justice in San Francisco this past Wednesday when they looked over to see another prospective
juror sitting there masturbating.  This being San Francisco, they didn't say anything -- that is, until they found themselves sitting next to the guy on a jury panel.
  They called over the bailiff, and faster than you can say "zip up your fly, " the
women, the flasher and the cops were walking over to Southern Station.
Upshot: No charges were filed, but both the flasher and the two females got
excused from jury duty -- for a year.

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, Dec. 15, 2002+



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Date:    Tue, 17 Dec 2002 23:58:18 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Statement by the President  < adult language >

        President Bush Applauds Al Gore's Decision To Let Some
        Other Baby-Killing Sissy Eat Major Shit Sandwich In 2004

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
December 16, 2002  - 11:17 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.  As you know, last evening saw former Vice President and
tax junkie Al Gore appear on the liberal propaganda organ 60 Minutes to tell Lesby
Stahl how he's too chicken to get another thousand-gallon Supreme Court colonic in
2004.

Today, while it may come as a surprise to many, I applaud Mr. Gore's decision to
withdraw from presidential politics.  Yes, it would have been satisfying to further
avenge my father's massively humiliating 1992 defeat by once again almost beating
Bill Clinton's chosen successor.  Truth be told, I have a recurring dream where Al
Gore and that raisin-faced gash Ann Richards team up in 2004, and not only do I whoop
them, afterwards I get to drive them out to that little mudpit of a "canyon" on my
ranch, soak 'em both in 98-octane unleaded, and have a nice little vendetta barbecue.
I don't know what it is that Richards uses on that silver rat's nest she calls hair,
but in my dreams it goes up in a byooteeful PURPLE flame!

But that dream is not to be, and for that I am glad. Because honestly, I'm a man who
doesn't care much for reruns.  Just ask Laura.  Whether we're watching Highway to
Heaven or Seventh Heaven, if it's one I've already seen, I turn to her and say, "Top
off my drink, woman - and while you're at it, click on over to The 700 Club."  And so
it is with politics.  For 2004, I'm confident that I'll enjoy myself much more when
come November, I'm watching someone NEW chewing up juicy bites from the same sloppy
joe shit sandwich I served Al Gore back in 2000.

So today, I am urging the Democratic National Committee to bring on the best
tax-and-spend baby-killers they've got, because my boys Rush Limbaugh and Sean
Hannity and Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly are primed and ready.  Will it be
eyebrow-pluckin' Dick Gephardt, or maybe "Economy Crybaby" Tom Daschle?  I hope not.
Too easy.  Same goes for that homo-loving Vermonter Howie Dean.  John Kerry?  My
daddy and I know a thing or two about mopping the floor with Massachusetts liberals
who release big death row blackies from the slammer to go out and rape our pretty
white girls.  And Joe LIE-berman?  Oh yeah, nothing's gonna swing my red states
faster than a Jewish dwarf Yankee who won't so much as drive an SUV on Saturdays.  As
for Senator John Edwards, he's Southern, he's pretty, and he's smooth.  Give us a
couple months, and we'll find some snaggle-toothed white trash bimbo who says he
porked her in the parking lot of Communist rally.

Thank you.  No questions.
____        ____        ____        ____        ____
2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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Date:    Wed, 18 Dec 2002 00:15:44 -0500
From:    Punk Stutter <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Statement by the President  < adult language >

        President Bush Applauds Al Gore's Decision To Let Some
        Other Baby-Killing Sissy Eat Major Shit Sandwich In 2004

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
December 16, 2002  - 11:17 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.  As you know, last evening saw former
Vice President and tax junkie Al Gore appear on the liberal propaganda
organ 60 Minutes to tell Lesby Stahl how he's too chicken to get
another thousand-gallon Supreme Court colonic in 2004.

Today, while it may come as a surprise to many, I applaud Mr. Gore's
decision to withdraw from presidential politics.  Yes, it would have
been satisfying to further avenge my father's massively humiliating
1992 defeat by once again almost beating Bill Clinton's chosen
successor.  Truth be told, I have a recurring dream where Al Gore and
that raisin-faced gash Ann Richards team up in 2004, and not only do I
whoop them, afterwards I get to drive them out to that little mudpit
of a "canyon" on my ranch, soak 'em both in 98-octane unleaded, and
have a nice little vendetta barbecue.  I don't know what it is that
Richards uses on that silver rat's nest she calls hair, but in my
dreams it goes up in a byooteeful PURPLE flame!

But that dream is not to be, and for that I am glad. Because honestly,
I'm a man who doesn't care much for reruns.  Just ask Laura.  Whether
we're watching Highway to Heaven or Seventh Heaven, if it's one I've
already seen, I turn to her and say, "Top off my drink, woman - and
while you're at it, click on over to The 700 Club."  And so it is with
politics.  For 2004, I'm confident that I'll enjoy myself much more
when come November, I'm watching someone NEW chewing up juicy bites
from the same sloppy joe shit sandwich I served Al Gore back in 2000.

So today, I am urging the Democratic National Committee to bring on
the best tax-and-spend baby-killers they've got, because my boys Rush
Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly are primed
and ready.  Will it be eyebrow-pluckin' Dick Gephardt, or
maybe "Economy Crybaby" Tom Daschle?  I hope not.  Too easy.  Same
goes for that homo-loving Vermonter Howie Dean.  John Kerry?  My daddy
and I know a thing or two about mopping the floor with Massachusetts
liberals who release big death row blackies from the slammer to go out
and rape our pretty white girls.  And Joe LIE-berman?  Oh yeah,
nothing's gonna swing my red states faster than a Jewish dwarf Yankee
who won't so much as drive an SUV on Saturdays.  As for Senator John
Edwards, he's Southern, he's pretty, and he's smooth.  Give us a
couple months, and we'll find some snaggle-toothed white trash bimbo
who says he porked her in the parking lot of Communist rally.

Thank you.  No questions.
____        ____        ____        ____        ____
2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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