Digest for Tuesday, December 10, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 478 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. "Im as busy as a bee," The Old Perfesser droned.
  2. New Barbie Dolls...
  3. A few punnies
  4. Tail Light
  5. Joe Camel Denies Ties to Al-Qaeda
  6. Murphys Laws Of Christmas Presents
  7. The lawyer and the widow
  8. The Choir
  9. blow up dolls
  10. Reservation
  11. This Weeks News In Brief


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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 07:19:24 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: "I'm as busy as a bee," The Old Perfesser droned.

The old perfesser was making out his Christmas list...
"Honey," he says to MrsPerfesser, "how do you spell DVD?"

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

Life just isn't fair to men.
When we're born, Mom gets the compliments and the flowers.
When we're married, our brides get the presents and the
publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance and winters
in Florida.
What the hell do women want to be liberated from?!?

            - The Old Perfesser

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Little Maury asked his aunt how old she was. "39 and holding,"
replied Auntie MrsPerfesser.

Little Maury thought for a moment, then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old and MrsPerfesser had just reached the airport in
the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's
vacation in France.

"I wish we'd brought the refrigerator with us," said the
old perfesser.

"What on earth for?" asked MrsPerfesser.

"I've left the tickets on it."


*******************
Research shows that the best way to live longer
is to stop doing everything that makes you want to.
            - The Old Perfesser





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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 07:34:14 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Barbie Dolls...

Barbie Update:

At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and
OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1.  Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2.  Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3.  Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4.  Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-muumuus with
tummy-support panels are included.

5.  Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
    definitely taken their toll in Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe
her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry
mules.

6.  No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7.  Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really
    paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and
cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8.  Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor
ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and
heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of
"Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9.  Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's
car and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
    ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance
steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with
a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of
Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the
channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book
"Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 06:53:22 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A few punnies

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus
we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, Doctor! I think I'm
shrinking! The doctor calmly responded, Now, settle down. You'll just have
to be a little patient.

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his
supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with
the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular
fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist
expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, Let me tell you,
with fronds like these, who needs enemas?

5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce
other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches,
decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that
although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of
course, is the origin of the expression, He who has a Tates is lost!

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, We have absolutely nothing to go
on.

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After
a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide
and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch
of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how
the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the
malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local
civic official who apologized profusely saying, I must have taken Leif off my
census.

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk
skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and
the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin
had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to
the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one
other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were
reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but
unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 04:52:31 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Tail Light

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the
cop after pulling over a driver...

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long,
painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up
on him a bit.

"Come on, now," the officer said, "you don't have to take it so
hard. It isn't that serious."

"Oh no!?" cried the motorist. "Then suppose you tell me what
happened to my boat and trailer?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Ford guy: "Yep, I'd know those Chevy tail lights anywhere."

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/


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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 08:01:39 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Joe Camel Denies Ties to Al-Qaeda

Winston-Salem, North Carolina - Speaking at a hastily-assembled press
conference here in the center of the Tobacco Belt, Joe Camel, retired
celebrity spokesperson for Camel Cigarettes, denied rumors that he has
ties to the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization.

"Look, these are all lies," said Mr. Camel.  "I've never even been to
the Middle East, and for god's sake, I was raised as a Methodist."

When asked about his family's ties to Saudi Arabia, Mr. Camel was the
same cool, suave, debonair man whose trusting face--complete with
signature sunglasses and cigarette dangling dangerously from his lips--
convinced millions of American children to become hooked at an early
age on high-quality unfiltered Turkish cigarettes.  "Ok, this is old
news," replied Mr. Camel.  "Dad left Saudi Arabia in 1939 and came to
America where he joined Ringling Brothers.  He met my mother there and
after I came along they settled down at a petting zoo in Boca Raton.
I think I've got a third cousin who still lives in Mecca, but I
haven't seen him since his Bar Mitzvah."

In related news, Herb Shellstein, chief legal counsel for the
Dromedary Anti-Defamation League, today called on members of the news
media to quit referring to Arabs as "filthy stinking camel-f***ers."

"This is very offensive to members of both the single- and double-
humped communities," said Mr. Shellstein.  "Camels are an extremely
hygienic and highly-educated ethnic group.  To think that a camel
would engage in sexual congress with an Arab is beyond belief."

Mr. Shellstein then suggested referring to Arabs by something non-
judgmental like "filthy stinking pig-f***ers" or "flea-bitten
ragheads."
___
by William Grim
© Copyright 2002 Broken Newz

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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 08:25:59 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Murphy's Laws Of Christmas Presents

1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included

2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included

3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26

4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size

5. If it fits, the color is never right

6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker


My apologies for yesterday's repeat, the joke originally came to
me in 2 parts and I'd forgotten that I had combined them into one.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 05:26:44 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The lawyer and the widow

[I got this from L. Sissel]
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.
"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean right before he died?" sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"


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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 10:40:19 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: The Choir

It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it
beautifully.

Oddly,each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping
it rhythmically with a pencil.  A visitor listened in wonderment
to the performance and then approached the conductor.  "I am a retired
choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever
heard." "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they
called?" "In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted
to call them the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of
Siam, but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam."

"Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the
others disagreed because they had no one to write to.  "Well," the
visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"  "Surely that's
obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves ...

The Moron Tapanapple Choir

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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 07:34:47 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: blow up dolls <adult&off >

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his
mail order supplier and says he wants something
absolutely realistic.

The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like
Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking
at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like
Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once
inflated he gets really turned on and thinks,
"What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends
it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that
'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot
tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis."

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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 19:00:02 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Reservation

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  On vacation in Hawaii, I called a cafe to make reservations for 7 p.m.
Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have
is 6:45.  Would you like that?"
  "That's fine," I said.
  "Okay," the woman confirmed.  Then she added, "Just be advised you may
have to wait 15 minutes for your table."



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Date:    Wed, 11 Dec 2002 00:01:29 -0500
From:    Punk Stutter <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Zagat Editor A 'Nice Guy' But 'Kind Of Boring'

NEW YORK—Chris Dantley, editor of the Zagat restaurant guide for New
York, received mixed reviews Monday from women who have dated
him.  "'Well-heeled' 'outgoing' man offers pleasant-enough company
but 'loves to talk about self' and 'blows half his jokes,'" reviewers
said of the 35-year-old Dantley, located on East 81st Street near
Third Avenue.  "'Free smiles' and 'snappy dress' don't go far enough
to offset 'strained compliments' and 'inappropriate come-hither
looks.'"  Dantley's midsection was also panned as "overly doughy."


Conjoined Twin Hogging Kidney

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Bruce Andrusko, 27, complained loudly Monday about his
conjoined twin Bryce's habit of hogging the brothers' middle
kidney.  "He drinks tons of beer, and that only leaves me the one
kidney for everything I drink," said Bruce, who has been fused with
Bryce at the torso since birth.  "I'm sick of it."  Bryce responded
that Bruce "never seems to complain" when the beer is introduced to
their shared bloodstream.


Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In Woman's Day

OCALA, FL—Tawny Bridges, Miss Nude America 2003, was forced to
relinquish her crown amid scandal Monday, when it was discovered that
she had appeared clothed in a 1999 issue of Woman's Day
magazine.  "Miss Bridges has conducted herself in a wholesome manner
entirely unbecoming of this title," pageant chairman Peter Taub
said.  "We are a non-profit pageant that provides scholarships to
promising young nude women and cannot condone her decision to pose
clad."


Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib

RESTON, VA—More than 4,000 purchasers of the Babco KidSleeper crib,
recalled last week amid safety concerns, are defiantly refusing to
return the crib for a replacement or refund.  "No way in hell am I
assembling another crib," said parent Carl Bleier, 33, of Reston,
VA.  "If they want the thing back, too bad—it's their own damn fault
for not making it right the first time."  Bleier said he hopes his 14-
month-old daughter Alexa gets her head stuck between the bars so he
can sue their asses.


Country Music Protested In Restaurant's Kitchen

KALAMAZOO. MI—A coalition of dishwashers at the Pfaff Avenue Country
Kitchen filed an official protest Tuesday against the grill crew's
playing of 93.7 Hot Country on the kitchen radio.  "Duuude,"
dishwasher spokesman Dave Stamm said, "enough country, already."  The
group is calling for the radio to be switched to WKLQ 94.5, Home of
the Real Rock, for the love of Christ.


Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation

LAWRENCE, KS—According to irritated friends and acquaintances, Jim
Marder, 43, lives to correct pronunciation.  "Actually, the word
is 'Ant-arc-tic," Marder told coworker Amy Dennon during a
conversation about polar-ice-cap melting Monday.  "Don't feel bad:
Pronouncing it 'Antartic' is a fairly common mistake."  Said
Dennon: "He's always doing that: 'Actually, the word is 'affida-
vit.'  'Actually, the word is 'pre-rogative.'  'Actually, the word
is 'sher-bet.'  Every time, he plays it all casual, but you can tell
he's loving it.  Dick."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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