Digest for Monday, December 09, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 539 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Tis The Season.....
  2. Musical Notes
  3. a FEW GIGGLES
  4. If Companies Ran Christmas - Part 2 of 2
  5. December 9th ~ Have A Card-Writing Party
  6. Real reason ONeill and Lindsey were fired (Off. to Bushists)
  7. If Santa answered his mail honestly
  8. Cross-country trip
  9. GOP Unveils "Bridge To Stone Age" Platform
  10. Statement by the President


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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 07:19:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 'Tis The Season.....

It's Christmas eve in the big city. Three guys kick the bucket and
ascend to heaven where they are met by St Peter. "In honor of the
season," St. Peter says to them, "you must each possess something that
symbolizes
Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He
holds them up proudly and flicks them on. "What do they symbolize?" St
Peter asks. "They're candles!"
"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of
sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.  "What do they
symbolize?" St Peter asks. "They're bells!"
"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles through his pockets, finally pulling out a
delectable pair of high cut, silky woman's panties. He holds them up
proudly. "What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks. "They're Carol's!"

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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 07:12:33 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Musical Notes

A guitar player frets while he waits,
As the trumpeter blows his in haste,
  The drummer percusses,
  And softly discusses,
His sex life with dear Maestro Bates.

   - - - - - - - - - - -

Musicians are upset because all their songs can
be found for free on the Internet now.  But I'd
like to point out that it takes me *hours* to
download those songs, and nobody's compensating
me for *my* time either.  Well, actually they are
because I do it at work, but you know what I mean.

- Doug Vargas
(c) Topfive.com Rumination

   - - - - - - - - - - -

(this ain't really me, but it IS a first person account)

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South
Dakota.  Our group was required to play for all generals
who arrived on our base.  One morning, when our commanding
officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected
just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line
with instruments.  One of the musicians had also heard the
radio announcement.  He took the C.O. aside for a whispered
conference.  When they returned, the officer told us the
performance was canceled.  There was no arriving general.
We had almost played for the weather forecast.


***************
Music is a religion. Karaoke is a cult.
        - "BASS" beer commercial



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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 06:16:13 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: a FEW GIGGLES

One of the single ladies in the office came in one morning
and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with
blue ribbons!  When asked what the occasion was, she
proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger.
"It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 188 pounds!"
**************************************************************
Lawyer: An individual whose principle role is to protect his
clients from others of his profession.
**************************************************************
Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd
stepped in it a few times.--Rita Rudner
**************************************************************
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing
for years.

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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 09:05:32 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If Companies Ran Christmas - Part 2 of 2

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the
day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device
attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an
authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would
weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling
charges.

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster
than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let
you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 08:35:32 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 9th ~ Have A Card-Writing Party <ADULT>

Put on some holiday tunes and have the family write out their greeting
cards. Take turns licking envelopes, putting on stamps, and labeling the
envelopes.

NEW HALLMARK CARDS
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE:    That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE:    I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE:  After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE:  I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE:  What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE:  And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE:  Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE:  Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE:  Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids
and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE:  It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE:  Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 10:50:30 -0800
From:    Misnomeration <misnomeration@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Real reason O'Neill and Lindsey were fired (Off. to Bushists)

(Stolen from chickenhawk_republican_hypocrite on Yahoo message board -- don't be offended by the alias, my chickenhawk republican hypocrite friends -- it is funny!)

O’NEILL FIRED OVER ‘IT’S THE ECONOMY, STUPID’ REMARK

‘Don’t Call Me Stupid,’ Bush Shot Back

A clearer picture of the events leading up to Treasury Secretary Paul H. O’Neill’s forced resignation was revealed today, as White House aides said that Mr. O’Neill was undone by unintentionally calling the President “stupid” in a meeting last week.

The heated exchange occurred at the White House late Thursday night, aides said, when Mr. O’Neill urged the President to focus more on the economy, telling Mr. Bush, “Remember, it’s the economy, stupid.”

Mr. Bush’s face reportedly reddened with rage after Mr. O’Neill made his remark.

“I know it’s the economy,” the President replied, “and don’t call me ‘stupid.’”

Mr. O’Neill quickly defended his “it’s the economy, stupid” remark as a figure of speech, but the President “would have none of it,” aides said.

“I know when someone’s called me stupid, and you just called me stupid,” Mr. Bush said. “Well if I’m stupid, you’re a dickwad. How do you like them apples?”

Mr. O’Neill, realizing that he had walked into a rhetorical minefield, quickly attempted to mend fences with the President.

“When I said ‘it’s the economy, stupid,’ I just meant that the economy is something you should focus more on,” Mr. O’Neill said.

“Who are you calling a moron?” a furious Mr. Bush demanded, leaping from his chair.

“It’s ‘whom,’” corrected Lawrence B. Lindsey, director of the National Economic Council, who was also present at the meeting.

Moments after Mr. Lindsey’s “whom” remark, the President called him a “smart-ass” and abruptly demanded his resignation as well.

“If there’s one thing the President hates more than being called stupid, it’s being corrected on that whole who-whom thing,” one aide said.

The Borowitz Report

________________________________________________________________

Can you imagine a pair of breasts, bare and full, approaching your face...at 100mph?
 -- Dr. Misnomeration
________________________________________________________________


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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 11:57:31 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: If Santa answered his mail honestly

Offensive to the PC crowd.

If Santa answered his mail honestly . . .

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv' ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.  How
about I send you a freekin book so you can learn to read and write?  I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
_______________________________________________________

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his butt constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer toot in my
face when I'm riding in the sleigh.  You want to do me a favor?  Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year?  Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China.  I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget B-Movies. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and slapping the butts of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table.  Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do.  I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year.  Please, please,
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?Timmy

Dear Timmy, That whiney begging game may work with your folks, but
that doesn't work with me.  You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
_____________________________________________________________________

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, so how will you get into
our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting beat
up at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex.  Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Did you know that SANTA is an anagram for SATAN?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/


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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 19:05:41 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Cross-country trip

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both our cars.
Hank, our eight-year-old, worried asked, "How will we keep from getting
separated?"
  "We'll drive slow so one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
  "Yeah, but what if we get separated?" he persisted.
  "Then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
  "Okay," he said, "I'm riding with Mom."



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Date:    Mon, 9 Dec 2002 22:33:59 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: GOP Unveils "Bridge To Stone Age" Platform

WASHINGTON, DC -- "The United States and the world has made many
advances in the 20th century," said President George W. Bush today at
a press conference announcing the GOP strategy change.  "Those
advances should be removed and we should return to the rightful utopia
that we enjoyed in the 18th and 19th centuries."

   "This platform symbolizes America, in all her glory, standing on a
bridge to the 21st century, then turning around and running in the
other direction.  An America about which we all should be proud," he
said.  "A Stone Age America."

   "The future holds many promises for America," said Senator Trent
Lott (R-MS).  "But we need only look to the ingenuity of 18th century
innovations, like petroleum products, motor cars and machine-automated
fire-arms to solve our problems today."

   Many electronic freedom advocates cheered the unseating of Senator
Fritz Hollings (D-SC) from the Senate Commerce Commitee.  His
Republican rival said he was afraid of electricity, and hunted Caribou
for food using only his own mouth in lieu of a spear.

   "Me hungry," said Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AL).  "Hungry time me hunt."

   And Speaker Denny Hastert (R-IL) reassured nervous Congressmen that
banning abortion would not be a problem under a new policy as unwanted
children will simply be drafted at birth.

   "America needs the best and the brightest in its serving corps,"
said Hastert.  "We don't want to disenfranchise younger citizens from
fighting in our armed forces at a time when the search for oil is so
crucial."

   "The Stone Age: which we shall bring both to ourselves, and to our
enemies," continued Hastert.  "A new day dawns on the world tomorrow
morning, an age of stone tools, berry gathering and perhaps, even the
secret of fire.  Regular Americans know what I'm talkin' about.  Soon
everyone will."
__
Copyright © 2001, 2002 The Daily Sedative

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Date:    Tue, 10 Dec 2002 00:28:31 -0500
From:    Punk Stutter <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Statement by the President

        President Bush Presides Over Ceremonial Lighting
        Of The Official White House Outdoor Nativity Scene

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
December 8, 2002  - 7:22 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening.  Thank you for coming. Tonight, it is my
pleasure to usher in a proud new government tradition - the lighting
of the official White House lawn manger.  In doing so, we dispense
with the almost hopelessly secularized "Christmas Tree," and restore
Jesus Christ Himself to a rightful place of government-endorsed
prominence.  Besides, God is my co-pilot, and as such, it simply
wouldn't be neighborly of me not to let his boy camp out on my yard
for a few weeks.

Laura and I had hoped to introduce this tradition last year during our
first Christmas in the White House.  Sadly, we were unable to do so
due to security concerns.  But Americans should know that in the
months that passed, their First Lady was tireless in her scouring of
Wal-Marts and Home Depots all across Western Texas to find a durable
life-sized molded polyvinyl manger scene which passed Secret Service
muster.  This is that masterpiece, and with security so tight this
year at the White House, I can guaran-damn-tee you that these frozen
plastic Wise Men are as close as any towel-head is going to get to
Laura's famous Canadian Club eggnog.

(Applause.)

With the lighting of the National Manger Scene, we observe one of the
great traditions of the Republican Party - liberating Americans from
the shackles of the Constitution - and throughout the Christmas
season, we shall recall that Jesus' love can radiate even from a
hollow, Chinese-made, machine-painted lawn statuette - unless of
course you're an Allah-lover, Moses-hugger, Buddha-slave, or any other
inherently false religion that guarantees you a seat in the devil's
eternal jacuzzi of molten rock and abortion doctor blood.

Many of you were deeply touched to hear me recite a portion of Psalm
23 in my address to this great nation in the dark hours following the
terrorist attacks.  You were encouraged and comforted to know that we
truly have a believer working for us in our nation's highest office.
And while I can't restore prayer in school without appointing another
Clarence Thomas or two, I figured this manger scene here would be a
good place to start.

This season, our entire nation is thinking of the men and women in the
military, many of whom will spend this Christmas at posts far from
home.  They stand between Americans and a media mosh pit of "grave
danger."  They serve in the cause of maintaining Presidential approval
ratings and avenging my personal vendetta against Saddam Hussein.
They wear the uniform proudly, and though I myself evaded wartime
service and was AWOL for months at a time, I nevertheless take pride
in setting aside my own hypocrisy to send America's sons and daughters
to die to preserve the bank accounts of my most important
constituents: the bonesmen.

Laura and I wish every American family a very merry Jesus' Birthday.
And now we have the honor of lighting the National Manger Scene.  And
joining us we've got two new friends, Reverend Pat Robertson and Mr.
Robert Novak, to help us throw the switch.

Now, if everybody -- you all step up here -- (laughter) -- get ready --
 please join us in the countdown: Ten, nine, eight...

I am getting the most jolly day jar view right now.  I tell you, what
a warm felling.  I recall all those countless times as Governor of the
Great State of Texas I ordered the switch to be thrown on death-row
criminals after I had gotten my cocktail party imitation of their
whimpering pleas for clemency down.

Seven, six, five, four...

Of course, this switch will use electricity to light up these colored
people, too. But, regrettably, tonight is not about killing sand
people.  We've got all next year - and leading up to the election --
to do that.

Three, two, ONE!

(Applause.)
___      ___      ___      ___      ___      ___      ___
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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