Digest for Wednesday, December 04, 2002

There are 13 messages totalling 656 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. President Bushs To-Do List For Today
  2. December 3rd ~ Potato Introduction Day
  4. Airborne conversation [Adult language]
  5. Holiday Gift Giving
  6. The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
  7. Who Did It?
  8. Deflowering Billy Bob
  9. PC holiday wishes
  10. Traffic Report for November 2002
  11. Staying fit
  12. December 4th ~ Watch Your Diet Day
  13. Evening Press Briefing the President


Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 02:02:18 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: President Bush's To-Do List For Today

•  make sure Colin Powell understands the possible repercussions of the Congolese
power-sharing agreement.

•  reread Hegel.

•  spend down time listening to Wagner's “Ring Cycle”

•  test Dick Cheney on his knowledge Keynesian economic principles.

•  solve London Times crossword.

•  brush up on my Urdu.

•  find out how the parliamentary elections in Kenya this December are shaping up.

•  write rebuttal letter to New York Review of Books regarding use of symbolism in
Flaubert's writing.

•  explain to Gerhard Schroder why Iraq is a threat to international stability (in

•  discuss the intricacies of advanced calculus with Jenna.
Copyright © 2002 Chortler.com

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Date:    Tue, 3 Dec 2002 23:35:15 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 3rd ~ Potato Introduction Day <Adult>

In 1586, Sir Francis Drake and Sir Thomas Herriot introduce the potato to
England and, thus, to Europe.

Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a
beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir). Vito had
no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the
beach. But Vladamir had no success.

Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful

Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret ... just between you and me. I
don't want my system to become too public."

Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."

Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the
beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come
running from miles around."

Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."

The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the
biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the
changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out onto the
beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.

"It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not
looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.
He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it

Vito: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 06:35:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to
the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a
sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens, Jeb."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house
is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away.  "Where do you live?" asked
the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."  The
operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba
said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They
wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner
gets $3 a year for a million years.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in
Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call
the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at
the front desk says, "Go ahead."

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 06:28:37 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Airborne conversation [Adult language]

There were two guys sitting in an airplane. One guy says to the other,
"Let's talk. I hear that the flights go faster if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy who had just opened a good book, closed it and asked him,
"What do you want to talk about?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how
about we discuss Nuclear Power."

The other guy says, "Well, let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same thing, but the deer shits out pellets; the cow
shits big patties; and the horse shits clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Then how can you expect to talk about Nuclear Power
when you don't know shit?"

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 07:32:23 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Holiday Gift Giving  <adult>

Not sure what to get your pathetic, sexually insecure, aging
husband this Christmas?

Well, how about a nice Hummer? No, not THAT kind of Hummer!
I mean the new Hummer Destroyer Suburban Assault Vehicle.

With tires the size of Montana, a fuel efficiency level of
about 5 miles to the gallon, and a lifetime Manhood Enhancement
guarantee, it's sure to be the greatest gift you can give.

Order now and you'll receive a free hood-mounted rocket launcher,
for those times when tree huggers in small pussy cars get in
your way, or for those moments when you just feel like mowing
down part of a major national forest.

The new MSN 8: advanced junk mail protection and 2 months FREE*

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 08:50:57 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen

(sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen")

The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", so I just stepped inside
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices, turned, and found the place was occupied
by two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse -- what could be
Two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse!

The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", it must've been a gag
'cause when I walked right in there, I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace and slapped me with her bag
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day, what can I say?
This just wasn't turning out to be my day!

The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", and I would like to find
that crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the signs
'cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind
Now I'll never sit with comfort and joy -- boy o boy!
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy!

[Thanks to Fred]


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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 09:18:30 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Who Did It?

 This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and
Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody
did it.

 Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could
have done.

-=} Randall {=-  All my life I wanted to be somebody. Should have been more

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now.

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 07:53:54 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Deflowering Billy Bob<adult>

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's
time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the
facts of life.  He takes him to the local house of ill
repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains
that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer
over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him
upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says,
"Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that
you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going
to give you a manicure too."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on
the town's main street.

Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and
says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave
me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't
scratch 'em."

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 17:21:11 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: PC holiday wishes

Greetings one and all!

A World of Good Wishes
[A Legally Approved Politically Correct Holiday Greeting]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular
practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions
and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all; plus, "a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the
generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have
helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater
than any other country, nor is it the only 'AMERICA' in the western
hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical
ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual
preference/orientation (the use of which terminology is not intended to
imply a preference or deference to one theory or another on the
physiological nature of sexuality) of the wisher."

Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable
at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as
expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one
year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever
comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance
of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no
responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring
to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 22:35:20 -0500
From:    Douglas Harter <douglasharter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Traffic Report for November 2002

Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a
month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to
the entire HUMOR list.  Welcome to the month of
November, 2002.

Effective with the February 2002 Traffic Report, I am stopping the
Contributor's SpotLight. With only about 20 people contributing, I
have run out of Contributors willing to be featured in the SpotLight.
It is not worth keeping it for just new Contributors.

WOW!!! FIVE (That's 5) people contributed every day in
November. That has got to be some kind of a record. Thanks
to All of you, and keep it up.

We also, probably because of all the posts by our 5
tiees(?) had a very good month for high statistics. The
statistics for November were higher than any other of the
months shown in this report.

This is being written in December and the holidays will be
over before my next report. So all of you have good
holidays, no matter what you celebrate in December.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
These are the current sites for the archives:
    humor.catweasel.org (HTML, Text, and Zip copies of
Digests and Yearly and Monthly Traffic Reports)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
           Traffic Report for November 2002

Week  Sun    Mon    Tue    Wed    Thu    Fri    Sat

 1                                        10     8
 2     13     10     12     14     10     12     9
 3     10     15     10     13     10     13     10
 4     11     11     10     12     11     15     12
 5     12     10     11     12     11     10     7
                                          Nov    Oct    Nov    Nov
                                          2002   2002   2001   2000

# Jokes for the Month:                    334    299    287    321
# days of submissions for the month:      30     31     30     30
Average Jokes per day for the month:      11     10     10     11
# Contributors for the month:             24     22     23     39
# Subscribers as of end of the month:     7640   7634   7434   6250
# Contributors as of end of the month:    617    619    615    610
# Countries as of end of the month:       90     90     88     84

The above statistics are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It
does not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers
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       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belarus, Belgium, Bermuda, Brazil,
Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Cocos (Keeling) Islands,
Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Finland, France, French Southern Territories,
Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India,
Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kenya,
Korea, Kuwait, Lebanon, Lithuania, Macau, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius,
Mexico, Namibia, Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Oman, Pakistan,
Panama, Paraguay, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania,
Russian Federation, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain,
Sri Lanka, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Tonga,
Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Tuvalu, Uganda, Ukraine,
United Arab Emirates, USA, Viet Nam, Yugoslavia, Zambia, Zimbabwe,
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now, the Top 15 Contributors. This will show you which
Contributors are sending the most contributions of Humor each month.
Those who are posting every day are noted.

       Top 15 Contributors from 11/1/02 to 11/30/02

Contributor                                      # Posts

*Paul Benoit                                      30
*Les Pourciau                                     30
*The Punk                                         30
*Sandy - AKA Ms Sam                               30
*Rollo Tomasi                                     30
Bill Stebbins                                     29
Terry Tubman                                      26
Mickey&Karen                                      25
Terry Galan                                       22
Grady Lacy                                        20
Tom and Carrol                                    12
Randall Woodman                                   12
Maurizio Mariotti                                 12
Jim Mica                                          5
Emko Witteveen                                    5

* - Contributed Every Day
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The Humor staff is comprised of:
  Jay Harman, Listowner <jay_harman@hotmail.com>
  Larry Randall, Examiner & Rules Enforcer <larryrandall@hotmail.com>
  Doug Harter, Archivist and Traffic Reporter
  Bill Edwards, Founder and Listowner Emeritus

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor.
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects.
Freedom of expression for contributors.
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
One contribution per day.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted.
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file.

A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended.
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To Subscribe to the Humor List:

Send an e-mail to: <listserv@listserv.uga.edu>
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
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A few of the more widely used commands:

Send an e-mail to: <listserv@listserv.uga.edu>
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
   GET HUMOR GUIDE           become a contributor
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   SET HUMOR NOMAIL          stop all mail for a temporary period
   SET HUMOR MAIL            receive humor as it is posted
   SET HUMOR DIGEST          daily collections of humor (default)
   SET HUMOR CONCEAL         conceal your address from spammers

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And finally, the one feature which has been featured in all Traffic Reports,
the contribution of Humor. Since, I am not a real regular contributor, I
not be providing new Humor. Instead, I will provide a joke from the
It will be at least 14 months old, so most of you won't remember it. You
either see the joke below or a link to the joke, not the actual joke,
I will provide the Subject line (Topic). Since there are now HTML versions
all Digests, it will point to the joke itself.

My contribution of Humor from the Archives:
This joke is too long for the Traffic Report. The link will be shown.

This joke is joke # 4 in the Digest for 12/17/00
The title of the Joke is: A Cellphone story <clean>
You can read it directly on the HTML Digest for that day at:
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             Doug Harter, Traffic Reporter and Archiver

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 20:06:21 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Staying fit

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  My wife and I were at my high school reunion.  As I looked around, I noticed
the other men in their expensive suits and bulging stomachs.
  Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was
in high school--the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm--
I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can wear the suit he graduated in."
  She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back to me.  "You're the only
one who has to, Terence."

Get 25MB of email storage with Lycos Mail Plus!
Sign up today -- http://www.mail.lycos.com/brandPage.shtml?pageId=plus

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Date:    Wed, 4 Dec 2002 21:28:54 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 4th ~ Watch Your Diet Day

Before and during the winter holidays, watch your diet. There may be more of
you after the holidays than before!!

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to
set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside
of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but
scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know it's time for a diet when:

* You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

* You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

* Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

* You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says,
"One at a time please!"

* Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed contact

* The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make
a turn without flipping over.

* You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire

* They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

* You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a
Venetian blind.

* You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Thu, 5 Dec 2002 00:47:45 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Evening Press Briefing the President

        President Bush Kicks Off National Drunk And Drugged
        Driving Prevention Month With Candid After-Hours Remarks

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
December 3, 2002  - 11:55 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, or is it good morning?  I don't really know or care, but
I'll bet you press boys are pretty surprised to see me up this late, huh?  Well you
shouldn't be - because contrary to liberal slander, I do NOT snork down eight or nine
175mg easy-swallow Halcyon caplets every night as soon as credits start rolling on
the 8:30 Hee-Haw.  Fact is, most nights find me and Pickles up until at least 1 AM,
enjoying each other's warm company and cool libations from totally opposite ends of
the family quarters.

We're now a few days into December, which I just learned on FOX NEWS is National
Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month.  Well, inasmuch as both Laura and I are
authorities on kickin' back the road sodas and makin' a little mischief, I initially
figured we'd throw irony to the wind and just bury a little proclamation on our
interweb thingamajig.  But as the evening wore on, and the Cuervo flowed smoother, I
decided to wake you sons a bitches up and have a little impromtutu, 100% honest

You know, they say that drunk and drugged driving threatens the safety of millions of
Americans.  But really, is it so bad?  Is having a few in you while you're driving
any worse than talking on your cell phone, fiddling with the radio, or gettin' a
toothy hummer from your jewelry-hungry, ex-teacher wife?  If you ask me, I'd much
rather have my chauffeur lit up with a whisky or two than have him be forced to
listen to one of those whiny Democrat bitches from M.A.D.D. yammering on and on and
on about how her stupid baby got smooshka'ed by some poor guy who just made an
innocent little mistake.

They also say that drunk driving accidents take a life every 30 minutes.  Well I know
for a fact that that's a bunch of bull.  I mean, after Laura sucked down all those
margaritas, hopped in her car and mowed down her worthless non-oil-rich boyfriend
Mike Douglas back in 1963, I'll be damned if there was another premeditated vehicular
murder like that in Midland for at least 30 days - let alone 30 minutes.

Finally, we've got crybaby leftists moaning about how we must work together to
educate our communities about the "seriousness" of this offense - and "raise
awareness" of its "devastating consequences."  Something tells me those folks must be
talking about colored boys driving El Caminos, because in my experience, a little DWI
conviction never did anything bad to your average blue-blooded, trustafarian heir to
the throne.  (http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2002/images/bushdui1.gif;

Ain't life in a dynasty grand!

Thank you, and good night nurse.
__      __      __      __      __      __      __      __
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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