Digest for Monday, December 02, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 501 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Ego Trips This Holiday Season
  2. Funnies.....
  3. Children (One four letter word)
  4. Q & A
  5. Knocking On Heavens Door
  6. December 2nd ~ Alaska Lands Bill Anniversary
  7. kidnapped
  8. Press Briefing the President
  9. Birthday gift
  10. Bumper stickers


Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 05:40:22 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Ego Trips This Holiday Season

        Ego Travel would like to remind its customers that it is not too late
        to start planning for their Christmas vacations.  Here are just a few
        of the last-minute packages we are offering this holiday season:

The Ralph Nader Presidential Run
   A journey designed for those travelers who want to get a little exercise in during
their holiday.  Participants start at a level point and get to run straight uphill
until November 2004.  (Remember we only offer this package once every four years, so
book now.)

The Newt Gingrich High-Altitude Voyage
   For the intrepid tourist, we present a chance to be thrust to heights unknown to
other mortals.  Experience the unique capacity of Newt Gingrich's ego to keep
inflating itself and take travelers higher and higher.

The Barry Bonds Revolving Hotel Suite
   Lucky guests get this once in a lifetime opportunity to spend four days and nights
in a hotel complex that circles around the most powerful gravitational force on
Earth, Barry Bonds' ego.  (This trip ordinarily begins at the end of September but
was delayed due to highly unusual circumstances this year.)

The Fred Barnes-Morton Kondracke Balloon Ride
   In this extraordinary traveling extravaganza, vacationers take a tour over
Washington D.C. in a balloon propelled by hot air collected from an entire year's
worth of commentary written by the bespectacled pundit duo.
Copyright © 2002 Chortler.com

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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 06:48:42 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Funnies.....

1.  In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A.  Lovemaking.
B.  Screwing.
C.  Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2.  You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A.  Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B.  Your blood-test results.
C.  Five tequila slammers.

3.  You time your orgasm so that:
A.  Your partner climaxes first.
B.  You both climax simultaneously.
C.  You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4.  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A.  Healthy, creative love-play.
B.  Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C.  Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out

5.  Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
A.  The best part of the experience.
B.  The second best part of the experience.
C.  $100 extra.

6.  Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A.  Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B.  Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C.  A conservative estimate.

7.  You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A.  A myth.
B.  An oxymoron.
C.  A moron.

8.  Foreplay is to sex as:
A.  An appetizer is to entree.
B.  Primer is to paint.
C.  A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9.  Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A.  "I hope we can still be friends."
B.  "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C.  "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A.  Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B.  Is uptight and a waste of time.
C.  Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 06:41:51 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Children (One four letter word)

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can  ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape.......It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20  ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you  have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they  can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building  materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said,  "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to  build my
house?"  The teacher paused then  asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
"Holy shit! A talking pig!"

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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 07:46:28 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Q & A   <adult!)

Q: What do you call a man who hates women?
A: A fashion designer.


Q: What's the difference between a child molester
   and a fucking freak?
A: Political correctness.


Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"


Q: Why are blondes like Corn Flakes?
A: Because they’re simple, they’re easy, and they taste good!


Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.


Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.


Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope...
   what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them
to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with
a warm squash.

Add photos to your e-mail with MSN 8. Get 2 months FREE*.

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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 09:06:11 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Knocking On Heaven's Door

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.  He has to wait to be
admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.  He's
checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.  Saint
Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good
in your life but, you never did anything bad either.  Tell you
what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in
your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one
time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group
of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl.  I slowed
down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what
they were doing.  There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk
and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.  He was a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear.  As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker
Gang Rapists formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over
the head with the tire iron.  Then I turned around and yelled to
the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone,you slime!
You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!  Go home before I
teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really?  Wow, when did all
this happen?"

"Er...  about two minutes ago."


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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 07:06:59 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: December 2nd ~ Alaska Lands Bill Anniversary

In 1980, the Alaska Lands Bill was signed into law, more than doubling the
size of America's national parks and wildlife areas. It also protected 25
free-flowing Alaskan rivers, doubling the size of the wild and scenic river
system. It was called "the most sweeping environmental legislation in U.S.
history," by "America Heritage Magazine." Roderick Nash, author of
"Wilderness and the American Mind" rated the bill as "the most expansive
action ever taken for wilderness and associated values at any one time in
world history."

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They
have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane
returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This
little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment and both of those animals -
you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take

"That's baloney," says one of the hunters.

"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year
and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take

"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

The pilot got angry and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it, I can
fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle and the
plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end
of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering
the baggage, animal carcasses and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear
it and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around
and said, "I'd say ... about a hundred yards further than last year!"

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 07:44:35 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: kidnapped<adult>

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to
his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got
very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to
find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up
to and why she hasn't been home for so long.

She replied:

"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a

The husband answered:

"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 19:05:31 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Press Briefing the President

        Statement By The President Announcing The Appointment Of
        Comeback Kid Henry Kissinger To Oversee 9/11 Cover-Up

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
November 29, 2002  - 9:49 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.  Please be seated.  I hope everyone enjoyed their
Thanksgivings.  From the smell of it in here, I can tell some of you journalist
faggots are still passing giblet vapors.


Today, I am pleased to announce my cosmetic appointment of Dr. Henry Kissinger as
Chief Tattletale about those two big buildings that fell down and went boom last
year.  I do this despite the fact that nearly all Americans have clearly expressed
their desire that I be left alone to do my job in unquestioned peace and quiet.
Nevertheless, the "free press" insists I compromise the livelihoods of countless
blue-eyed plutocrats by talking publicly about my doings.

So here it goes: it seems that New York City didn't learn its lesson and be thankful
that the rest of the country hasn't built an electric fence around that floating
pebble of crybaby folk singers, dope smokers, and darkie muggers.  In fact, the
families of the victims of the greatest historical windfall ever bestowed upon
Republican strategists have been dragging their harpy-like, Gore-voting nails across
the chalkboard of public opinion, demanding I spill the beans about how much I knew
about 9/11 before it even happened.

At first, I tried drowning them in moolah, but no - those recession-loving commie
banshees won't settle for anything short of the truth.  So instead, I'm giving them
the second greatest gift Germany ever gave us after beer: Dr. Henry "Strangelove"
Kissinger.  If there's anyone more loyal to America's will to preserve my approval
ratings, it's Henry.  He's part of the Harvard Mafia, which is where I got my degree
in TCB.  Also, not only was Nixon afraid of him, but if you slap a big rubber Jew
nose on Karl Rove, well, the resemblance is really kind of spooky.  They have tons in
common, too.  For instance - they both garroted their consciences long ago to serve
the interests of a corrupt elite that is hell-bent on feeding the deluded masses foul
sausages ground from the innards of the rotting carcass of American democracy.

If you're living in a ranch-style house, eating a plate of Eggos and soaking in every
word I say, chances are you are blessedly ignorant of American history and therefore,
don't know who Henry is.  God Bless you, my vacuous FOX-watching receptacles of
masterfully manipulative soundbytes.

As for the rest of you, you might remember Henry from such super-secret historical
moments that never happened as "Pinochet, America's Favoritest Genocidal Puppet
Fascist," "Deep Throating Slant-Eyed Stalinists," and "Singing in the Secret Daisy
Cutter Rain (Cambodia Remix)." Those were the days, as the song goes.

And so, it is with great honor that I appoint Dr. Henry Kissinger to quiet the
doubting, turncoat rabble with incoherently mumbled, harmless white baritone lies.
You see, what you don't know CAN and WILL hurt you.  And what you unthankful,
conspiratorial welfare widows and sniveling maggots who distrust my divine word don't
know CAN and WILL fill your very own coffins.

Got that?  Good.  No questions, please.
___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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Date:    Mon, 2 Dec 2002 18:53:06 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Birthday gift

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped
by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.  "Father's date
of birth?" she asked.
  When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine
months before your son's birth?"
  "No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I
have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."
  After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said,
"Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

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Date:    Tue, 3 Dec 2002 00:53:20 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Bumper stickers

YES, this is my Truck.......
NO, I will not help you Move !!!

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

Bury me at Wal-mart so my wife will come visit me !!!!!

I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.

You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.

I love animals. They are very delicious.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...
  or something like that.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

My wife's other car is a broom.

I'm the person your mother warned you about!

"Our state has the best politicians money can buy."

Pass with care. Driver chewing tobacco.

HELP!! The Paranoids are after me!!!

This driver carries no cash ... he's married!

If it absolutely must be destroyed overnight,
  call 1-800-MARINES

VEGETARIAN: An old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter"

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger

Illiterate??,,,,Write for help

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