Digest for Monday, September 30, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 512 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Lettermans Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Is On Drugs
  2. Nutrition.....
  3. Robbery (may be offensive to blondes)
  4. about the blonde
  5. Good Investment
  6. Cracking The Code
  7. September 30th ~ Internet Explorer 4.0 Birthday
  8. ATM Procedures
  9. Buzz
  10. Statement by the President
  11. Al Gore Fan


Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 02:02:31 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Is On Drugs

10.  Your first baseman demanded a trade to the Devil Rays

9.  That ain't ivy growing on the outfield wall

8.  They ask organist to play a lot of Pink Floyd

7.  During meetings on the mound, pitcher and catcher exchange money

6.  Keep asking if there are any roadtrips to Colombia

5.  Half of them are wearing football helmets

4.  Keep using bullpen phone to order Domino's

3.  Stare in wonder at David Wells and mutter "Duuuuude"

2.  Rumor has it the ball boy is wearing a wire

1.  You swear you saw two half-naked guys attack a first-base coach
©MMII, CBS Worldwide Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 05:47:45 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Nutrition.....

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 04:08:56 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Robbery (may be offensive to blondes)

The blonde got home and saw that a burglar had been in her appartment. She
called 911 to report it and then went out on the balcony to wait for the
police to arrive.

Soon a uniformed policeman arrived with his police dog.  When the blonde
answered the door and saw them, she burst into tears.

"What's wrong, Ma'am?" he asked.

"I get home; my appartment has been burglarized; everything I own is gone;
I call 911, and what do they send me?  A blind policeman!"

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 02:24:05 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: about the blonde

Hear about the blonde who:
* Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

* Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a

* Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the

* Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months. The =
had said "2 to 4 years."

* Couldn't call 911 because there was no '11' on any phone button.

* Can't make Kool-Aid because eight cups of water won't fit into one of
those little packets.

* Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves.

* Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said
"Good up to 20 pounds."

* What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech-vroom-screech"?

        A blonde at a flashing red light.

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 09:14:48 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Good Investment

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I
don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed,
and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go
for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me."
So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office
building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something
unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just
happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says,
"What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes
you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the
money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become
of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with
money I'd have given you ALL my business.

[Thanks to Jimmy Rudolph]


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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 10:00:11 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Cracking The  Code

The GOP-to-English Dictionary: Cracking the Republican Code

           by Michael Barry
   (c) Democratic Underground, LLC

Finding it difficult to reconcile Republican rhetoric with
their actions? Maybe you just aren't speaking the same language.
Use this handy guide to translate GOP dialog, and get on the
same page as the corporate millionaires running the country!

Never be left out again--use this guide while listening to GOP
politicians, or reading their shills in the press.

Think how happy you'll be to finally know what they're REALLY
saying. No more unpleasant surprises, no more false hope of
bipartisanship. Impress your friends at parties with seemingly
prescient predictions--only YOU'LL know what programs will be
cut, what regulations will be rescinded, which documents will
be released, and which will remain classified as a matter of
"national security". Your friends will think you're a genius!

Simply substitute any words you encounter from the left-hand
column with ones from the right, and you'll be speaking GOP
in no time. It really works!

When Republicans Say: .............. It means:

Initiative ......................... Acquired Wealth
Merit .............................. Inherited Wealth
Local Stakeholders ................. Polluters
Affirmative Access ................. The Good Old Days
Recognized Expert .................. Industry Lobbyist
Entrepreneur ....................... Campaign Donor
Voluntary Compliance ............... Dumping waste in rivers
Irresponsible Federal Regulation ... Regulation
Protecting the environment ......... Building strip malls
                                      on toxic waste sites
Family Values ...................... Heterosexuality
Freedom ............................ Money
National Security .................. Gravy
Missile Defense .................... LOTS of Gravy
Initiative ......................... Money
Class Warfare ...................... Communism
Europeans .......................... Communists
Totalitarian Communist Regime ...... Massachusetts
Massachusetts ...................... Ted Kennedy
Ted Kennedy ........................ Karl Marx
Bill Clinton ....................... The Sixties
The Sixties ........................ Drugs
Drugs .............................. Terrorism
Compassionate Conservatives ........ Republicans with PR agents
The Right To Bear Arms ............. The Right to Sell Guns
Tort Reform ........................ Corporate Control of the

Try it yourself! Translate the following sentences:

Example 1: "Freedom-loving people understand that local stakeholders
are best able to decide what's best for their industries, and not
those who advocate irresponsible Federal regulation. Recognized
experts have demonstrated that voluntary compliance is the right way
to strike a balance between protecting the environment and rewarding

Example 2: "I know there are those who think the estate tax--the death
tax--is a good idea. They think that initiative--and merit--shouldn't
be rewarded. Well, that may suit Massachusetts; it may suit Ted Kennedy;
it may suit others mired in their sixties-induced class-warfare. But
it won't work here in the sovereign state of Mississippi!"

Now get out there and start translating!

70% of folks who sit at home waiting to
talk with telemarketers favor President Bush.

This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 08:10:06 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 30th ~ Internet Explorer 4.0 Birthday

September 30, 1997, was the official release date for  Internet Explorer

If Opera and Amaya aren't different enough, you should  check out these ten
REALLY alternate browsers:

Latergater: it'll ship any day now!
Tamagotchi-net: you have to click a link every 20  seconds or your system
Spice gURL: annoying, but cute.
Titanic-a-gater: the safest browser ever built.
IntelNet: with recommended configuration of a 500-MHz  Pentium II and 96MB
of RAM.
WhiteWater Explorer: automatically clears history file  every ten minutes.
Flu Web: you can get it by eating kung-pao chicken.
The Information SuperElway: don't bet on it.
UnaBrowser: it bombs.
Prozaic: the dull but happy browser.

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

"I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 09:52:12 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: ATM Procedures

ATM Procedures:

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off


* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers
queuing behind
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Brake

-=} Randall {=-  Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 18:44:43 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Buzz

  Trained honeybees have shown a remarkable ability to sniff out land mines, suggesting a possible new way to find the estimated 110 million unexploded
land mines around the world, according to researchers at the University of
  Jerry Bromenshenk has studied bees as pollution sensors and environmental
sensors for the past 30 years. He said honeybees have proven themselves
to be easier to train, harder working and more accurate than bomb-sniffing dogs.
Honeybees have a very refined sense of smell, live in packs of thousands,
cover ground more quickly than dogs, and learn a new task in a matter of
days, he said.
  "We know bees can sense vapors at levels dogs can't get to," Bromenshenk
said. "If they can smell it, they will be as good or better than dogs at finding it."
For two years the bees have been finding simulated land mines that smell like
the real thing. So far the bees have a near-perfect track record, said researcher
Colin Henderson.
  The United Nations estimates about 110 million unexploded land mines lurk
around the world, and each year some 26,000 people are killed or maimed by the hidden bombs.

+Source: Associated Press, Sept. 26, 2002+

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 23:00:14 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Statement by the President

        Remarks By President Bush To Nancy Reagan On The Occasion
        Of Her Transformation Into A Bloodthirsty Fetus Murderer

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
September 30, 2002  - 10:32 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.  Yesterday, former First Lady and Adolpho gown mannequin
Nancy Reagan made a bizarre attempt
(http://www.nytimes.com/2002/09/29/politics/29NANC.html) to communicate with me through
the pages of the New York Times.  Apparently, though I have gone out of my way to invite
Mrs. Reagan to several events where she could have the honor of participating in my 2004
campaign literature photo shoots, she selfishly wants something more - namely, for me say
it's OK for her to go around slurping poor, innocent fetuses out of the diseased coochies
of teen-aged welfare sluts so she can rip their heads off with her bony, claw-tipped
fingers and inject their sweet little baby brains into whatever's left of her drooling
zucchini of a husband.

And so this morning, rather than play this little game of talking to each other through
newspapers, I want to deliver a few words directly to Mrs. Reagan.  I've asked Karl Rove
to telephone her and he has confirmed that she is tuned in to C-SPAN at this time.  So
let's begin.

Mrs. Reagan, thank you for taking a few minutes off from conspiring with the liberal press
to sit down and have me talk at you.  I know that many Americans have tremendous and
misguided respect for you - and that's why it's important to me that I appear to give a
shit about what you think - even after you spent eight long years glaring down that snooty
beak of yours at my family like we were something Ronny tracked across your oriental
carpets after gelding a few Arabians down in the stables.  That's right, I remember even
if you don't.  Like at your little "Just Say No" party back in 1985?  Laura and I may have
been half blacked out on Southern Comfort 100 and reds, but we weren't too far gone to see
that you were a truckload more interested in comparing gold jewelry with Mr. T than even
so much as hocking a loogie in the direction of the future 43rd President and his wife.
But I'm bigger than all that ancient history, so let's move on.

I know that you care about the Gipper.  I do too.  How could I not?  He is, after all, the
last cognitively impaired Commander in Chief before myself to hold this office, and I am
keenly and bitterly aware of the fact that most Republicans like him far more than they do
my father or myself.  Nevertheless, his were two glorious terms of nukular saber rattling,
paranoid nationalism, and brilliant scandal suppression - and I am proud to shamelessly
emulate his formula for success.  Yes, whether I'm delivering the same jingoistic and
monosyllabic stump speech for the umpteenth time, playing the part of a dusty cowboy on my
made-for-TV ranch, or hungrily fellating the power brokers of the Christian Right, the
Gipper's great head of hair is never far from my mind.  And that's why it pains me when I
hear that you, his woman, have not only become a baby-killer, but also seem to have
forgotten that Republican wives should be seen and not heard.

Of course, I realize that your mind has been polluted.  Clearly, spending so much time
with that demented shell of a man has left you very impressionable to the messages of
liberal "scientists" who want you to believe that the good Lord's will can and should be
thwarted through the use of stem cells.  Well I'm here to tell you different.  God's will
is being done at all times.  Yes, God made Ronald Reagan an astute political animal, and
later, a stupored geriatric vegetable.  The Lord works in mysterious ways, and we must not
doubt Him even for a second, lest we be destined to writhe for all eternity in the same
pit of molten lava to which you, Nancy Reagan, have already condemned yourself by
questioning his infinite wisdom.

In closing, I would hope that in the few remaining years you have left before going to
Hell, that you would make an effort (perhaps with the assistance of your Godless
astrologer) to remember that above all else, real Republicans treasure the sanctity of the
unborn child.  Of course, once they're out and about, they had better not come holding out
any poor, colored, grubby palms asking for handouts or sex education or equal access to
jobs or fair voting or any other liberal mumbo-jumbo like that - but that's another issue

I'm so happy that we've had this chance to communicate today, Nancy, and I want to
sincerely thank you in advance for keeping your wrinkled and whiney dragonlady piehole
stitched the hell shut from now on.  Have a lovely day.

Thank you Nancy, and God Bless America.
___      ___      ___      ___      ___      ___      ___
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 23:48:19 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Al Gore Fan <off to Bush fans>

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them
are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be
liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says,
"I'm not a bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan"

The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so
I'm an Al Gore fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if
you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

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