Digest for Sunday, September 29, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 443 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. =?Windows-1252?Q?Falwell_Outraged_By_=91Openly_Gay_Purple_M&M=92s=92?=
  2. A Quiz
  3. The Hangover Scale.....
  4. An oldie but goodie
  5. Lawyer Joke
  6. September 29th ~ Michaelmas
  7. Accommodation
  8. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet
  9. Salesmanship


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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 02:02:55 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: =?Windows-1252?Q?Falwell_Outraged_By_=91Openly_Gay_Purple_M&M=92s=92?=

Mars Inc. came under fire from the Rev. Jerry Falwell, the television evangelist and
outspoken gay rights adversary, Sunday when he urged Americans to boycott the candy giant
for its decision to add the color purple to M&M’s.

"I’m calling on God-fearing Americans everywhere to show their disapproval of the addition
of this symbol of homosexuality to what was once such a wholesome product," said Falwell
during his weekly television broadcast.

Pat Robertson quickly joined forces with Falwell, saying he had always been "suspicious"
of the product’s spokescharacters, a pair of M&M’s who "speak in masculine voices, wear no
clothing and are never seen with women."

"I cannot hide my sorrow when I think of America’s youth being subjected to this subtle
homosexual recruitment ploy every time they reach for a bag of their favorite candy," said
Falwell.

Not only has Mars introduced the color that has become the symbol of the Godless gay and
lesbian community, according to Falwell, but they’ve gone so far as to introduce it in a
pastel.

"I assure you, the whole selection process of the new color is nothing more than a gay
caucus," proclaimed Falwell.

Meanwhile, Franklin Graham also added his support to the boycott, arguing the candy’s
slogan, ‘melts in your mouth, not in your hand,’ had constantly been a source of distress
to him.
__
by Phil E. Stein
Copyright © 2002 Chortler.com

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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 07:52:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Quiz

Are You Friendly to Animals?

Sadly, only one out of every two people is friendly to other
creatures.  Find out if you are a heartless monster.

1. If you find a robin who cannot fly, what do you do?
    a) rescue it and nurture it (in the after-school TV special
       style)
    b) leave it be
    c) call your mother about exactly how to give that duck sauce
       recipe a reddish flair.

2. If there is a mouse that has moved into your house, what do
    you do?
    a) trap it humanely and release out it in the countryside.
    b) use whatever mousetrap is necessary
    c) enlist a stray cat, then afterwards call your mother about
       that cat-sauce recipe

3. When your dog messes on the new carpet, what do you do?
    a) reprimand it with stern wording
    b) beat the dog so it won't even move for the next two weeks
    c) dogs don't need sauce, it would be best just to grill them
       up in a natural state

4. Do you eat veal?
    a) not at all
    b) I eat what I want to eat
    c) if it moves, it's the main course at my next meal

5. What do you hope the future will hold for the animals of our
    planet?
    a) freedom, health, and happiness
    b) factory-farm efficiency worldwide
    c) giant shish kabobs

I think you know which answers mean animal-friendliness.  It's
simple.
If you picked a), you're a real animal-lover.
If you picked b), you're not so friendly.
If c) was your letter of choice, you're probably pretty hungry.
So don't let me stand in the way, I'm sure there's a stray cat
just waiting to be a part of your next stew.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 04:55:39 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Hangover Scale.....

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when
you  woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel
as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and
a side of fries.


2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You  may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you
hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover * * *
Slight  headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her
perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your
alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would
be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a
litre of  coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon
of water, 2  Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed
once.


4 star  hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you
for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You are
wearing nice clothes but you smell of socks and you can't hide the fact
that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender).
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big
vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade
class  picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the
following : Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone or a time
machine so you could go back  and NOT have gone out the night before. You
scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You  still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in  your body. Death seems pretty
good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers
think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.You should have
called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is
breathe, oh so very gently.


6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed
and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking
along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift
the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with
your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in
your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the
toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and
farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears  stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into
abuse and  he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back
to 15-minute intervals but your body won't relent. You are convinced that
you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your
tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn
and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to
climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with
lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their
advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving  you to the
hospital. Work is not an option.

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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 08:48:07 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An oldie but goodie

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous.

Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

 It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
 The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

 She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time
the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
 His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.
 The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

 About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of
the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

 The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

 He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

 But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the
snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

 The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it
needed stitches.

 An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

 The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it
down the man's throat.

 By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

 The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the
couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one
side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

 The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who
startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police
car and set it on fire.

 Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

 Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down
the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a
ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the
world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked
his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him...
Author Unknown

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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 08:06:30 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Joke <adult>

Thanks to Victoria
--
Two lawyers, Carl and Steve, decided to take their vacation
together and went on a small, private plane to visit Paris for a
time.  There was a terrible storm, and the plane went down into
the Atlantic ocean.  Fortunately, the two lawyers survived the
crash, but had to swim to a nearby island that only had a few
banana trees and a few coconut trees, and they were stranded for
several months with only bananas and coconuts to live on.  Each
day, they would climb up the tallest tree to see if there was a
ship out there to rescue them.
One day, Carl called to Steve from the tree, "I see a rubber
raft!  And it's headed this way!"
Steve called up, "Is there anyone in it?"
"No... oh... wait!  YES!  It's a beautiful blonde woman!  And
she's naked!"

The rubber raft finally reached the tiny island, and the woman was
alive, but unconscious.  They pulled her up onto the beach, and
Carl said, "It's been a real long time... do you think we could...
you know... screw her?"

Steve exclaimed, "Out of what? That measly rubber raft?!"
---
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 10:08:27 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 29th ~ Michaelmas

Saint Michael the Archangel is patron saint of grocers, supermarket workers,
paratroopers, security forces, battle, police officers, radiologists, and
radiotherapists. If you eat goose on Michaelmas, you will never want for
money during the entire next year. Also known as St. Michael and All Angels.

NEW PENTAGON AD
ENEMY WANTED -- Mature, lonely, North American superpower seeks
hostile-sounding and muscular-looking but internally moribund nation for
international competitive bluster, mutual threat inflation,
political-military gymnastics and general bellicose finger pointing. Looking
to fill post-Cold War ennui and lost missile envy. Scare-mongers who relish
dogmatic confrontation, able to appear 10 feet tall, and willing to build
real and imaginary mirror image weapon systems need only apply. Must appear
sufficiently menacing to frighten more money and previous Cold War-era
weapon systems out of Congress, but must threaten only opponent's marginal
interests, and must not present any real intellectual challenge.

Accompaniment by fierce, Third World allies who know how to fight is also
not desirable. Oafish, senile leaders definitely a plus. Possession of
large, phallic ballistic missiles (large throw weight only), and/or chem-bio
also a plus--willful violations of feckless arms control agreements will
earn continuing thanks. Location: preferably near enough to threaten
petroleum and trade markets to ensure perpetual business as usual.

Reply with videos of goose-stepping troops, parade-optimized tank
battalions, U.S. flag burnings, chanting, dazed eyed crowds, and haranguing,
incoherent speeches. Send c/o "Shali," The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. Please
no publicity shy competents or third world nations that have previously
embarrassed advertiser.


Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

"I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas
Edison

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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 13:30:32 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Accommodation

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I am a full-figured, and when I dine in restaurants, I often find the chairs too
small and uncomfortable.  The last time I ate out I filled in a comment card,
saying that while the food and service were wonderful, the chairs did not
accommodate anyone over a size 14.
  Several weeks later I received a note of apology--and a coupon for a free
dessert.



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
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Date:    Sun, 29 Sep 2002 23:00:03 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  "Sweet Home Alabama"  Reese Witherspoon can't decide which is better—her hick hometown
or the big bad city.  Are those her only choices?

2)  Mel Gibson:  He's making a movie about the life of Jesus in Latin and Aramaic.  Hey,
if you don't want people to see it, just hire Kevin Costner.

3)  Johnny Carson:  The retired talk-show host denies tabloid reports that he is a sickly
recluse.  He's just a normal recluse.

4)  "Gladiator 2"  "What a strange dream I had," begins the dead Maximus.  "It would make
a very profitable trilogy."

5)  Rosie:  She quit her magazine when it became clear they wanted her name but not her
ideas.  It's like Martha Stewart in reverse.

6)  "The Tuxedo"  Jackie Chan puts on a dead secret agent's gadget-fined dinner jacket.
It automatically waits tables and shoots bad tippers.

7)  Baseball play-offs:  Or, as the players call it.  "building up the strike fund."

8)  "Celebrity Boot Camp"  Traci Bingham.  Coolio, David Faustino, Kato Kaelin, and
Tiffany will all appear on the Fox special.  Shouldn't that be "B-List Boot Camp"?

9)  "American Candidate"  An FX show modeled on American Idol will pick a presidential
contender.  But to make it real, the guy who comes in second will win.

10)  The clerk's cut:  Some video stores arc editing the sex, swearing, and violence out
of their movies.  One version of "Pulp Fiction" is now four minutes long.

11)  J.K. Rowling:  The Harry Potter creator is pregnant.  Let's just hope she doesn't
name the kid something Hogwartian like Vaselonia or Wellfin.

12)  Miss Universe:  Miss Russia says she wasn't fired: she quit.  It all sounds like a
big Miss Understanding.

13)  "Boomtown"  The new NBC police drama looks at the same heinous crime from different
viewpoints.  The CEO's point of view, the stockholders' point of view...

14)  Mansion glut:  The "Wall Street Journal" says $50 million homes are not moving as
fast as they used to.  Maybe we could hold a benefit concert for the sellers?

15)  Isidore:  Is it hurricane season already?  It seems like just yesterday it was
drought season.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 30 Sep 2002 00:15:35 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Salesmanship

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how
to charge a customer.

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they
cost, you say '$75.'

If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses
will be $50.'

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'"

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