Digest for Friday, September 27, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 668 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Fisher-Price Wins Florida Ballot Design Contract
  2. A couple of jokes
  3. Method and apparatus of compulsory ventilation of BodyArmor in field conditions.
  4. Corporate Lessons For The Day.....
  5. Classic Story ...
  6. Police Humor
  7. Good Advice?
  8. September 27th ~ Answering Machine Birthday
  9. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
  10. Comments Sports Commentators Wish They Could Take Back:
  11. Fall Movie Preview 2002


Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 02:03:04 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fisher-Price Wins Florida Ballot Design Contract

The Florida Elections Commission has awarded Fisher-Price a contract to develop a less
confusing balloting system for the state in the run-up to November's midterm elections.

Fearing a repeat of 2000’s "dimpled chad" recount fiasco and the recent confusion during
the state’s primary elections, Florida officials asked both Fisher-Price and Playskool to
submit proposals on how they would eliminate the guesswork from the voting process.

Playskool’s plan was based upon its popular Poundin’ Bedbugs toy.  This system, however,
in which a vote would be cast by pounding the plastic head of the candidate of choice with
a small hammer, was rejected on the grounds that it would be far too complex for most
Florida voters.

Fisher-Price, meanwhile, countered with a proposal based upon it classic See ‘n Say

"It's really quite simple," spokeswoman Liz Holden explained.  "All you have to do is turn
the pointer towards the candidate of your choice and cast your vote by pulling the string.
Then the voice of the candidate comes on and says, for example, "Al Gore says, 'You have
voted for me.'"

"Preliminary tests using kindergarten children have been quite promising," Holden went on
to say, adding that Fisher-Price will next test the system on the Early Bird Special crowd
at a Palm Beach Denny's.
Copyright © 2002 Chortler.com

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 02:00:56 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A couple of jokes

Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent
country-song titles. Here are some entries:

Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out

You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart

I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day

She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me

The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long

Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf

Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy

A lawyer who was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a
witness, stopped and said:  "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The Judge replied: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 09:41:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Method and apparatus of compulsory ventilation of BodyArmor in field conditions.

(Just received. Spam or tongue-in-cheek? Not unfunny though, imo.
Posted as received, spelling error and all)

Dear Sir,

I have invented  a Method and apparatus of compulsory ventilation of
BodyArmor  in field conditions.

The compulsory BULLET-PROOF VEST VENTILATION device is designed for
noiseless bullet-proof vest ventilation in field conditions, e.g., when
an anti-terrorist group member is on guard, or in ambush, without
external power source.

The compulsory bullet-proof vest ventilation device consists of a
ventilating vest, which is worn under a standard bullet-proof vest, and
armpit sacks, involved in noiseless air pumping in field conditions. An
armpit sack can be installed on both sides, left and right.

Utilizing this device in field conditions, especially in warm
countries, will make a soldier's stay on guard or in ambush more
comfortable. Removal of sweat vapour from under the bullet-proof west
(2) can prevent skin rash. Compulsory air feeding into the ventilation
vest (1) is performed by the armpit sack (3) which is activated by the
soldier's arm motion, fig.1. The process of ventilation is absolutely
transparent with respect to the soldier's duties

The armpit sach is connected to the bullet-proof vest by means of
breakable clutch (4-5) and light connection (6-7), which allows in
conditions of emergency to throw the vest away, and it will no more
constrain the soldier. The armpit sack (3) is connected to the shoulder
by means of a belt (8) and light easily detachable bucket (9).

Is possible the variant without belt (8-9) - then in sack (3) is
mounted the spring, fig.3.

In a vehicle the ventilating vest can be plugged into the vehicle's
ventilation system.

The armpit sack has 4 positions:

1. Transportation: the sack is carried in a bag etc.

2. Pre-operational: sack (3) is connected (4-5, 6-7) to the bullet-
proof vest (2), buckle (10-11) is tightened, belt (8-9) is loosened.

3. Operational: sack (3) is connecyed (4-5, 6-7) to the bullet-proof
vest (2), buckle (10-11) loosened, belt (8-9) tightened to the arm. By
moving his arm, a soldier pumps the air into the ventilation vest (1).

4. Alarm - torn out and thrown away by an abrupt arm movenent, not any
more constraining the soldier.

The ventilating vest itself consists of two patches of stiff material
with stripes of stiff and elastic material (12) between, which form the
air conducting canals(13). The side of the vest which touches the body
is perforated (14) for air circulation.

Best Regards,

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 06:21:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Corporate Lessons For The Day.....

 Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing overwhich
one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,
"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front
of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything
about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable


Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered
and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However,
he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the
priest apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."


Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great


Corporate Lesson 3

Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers
are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference
for Golf.

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

Another good lesson:

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I
want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the
sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 08:02:06 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Classic Story ...

It's the classic story:

Girl leaves home.

Girl falls in with the wrong crowd, people who play fast
and loose with the language. The next thing you know, she's
starting to blatantly, casually overlook the occasional
split infinitive.

She goes along with the crowd when they want to do a little
subject-verb disagreement because, hey, all the kids are doing
it. If the language is a living thing, anybody can do whatever
they want in the name of creativity.

Next thing you know she's out there on street corners, peddling
those extraneous apostrophes that get used inappropriately to
defiantly support her "your/you're" confusion habit.

But if your upset by that, maybe you're own grammer is a little
too tight-ass and shackled by tradition.

Oh, and you're spelling, too. She starts to habitually rely on
spell checkers and grammar checkers because she just can't be
bothered to, you know, proofread. After all, proofreading is for
someone without a life and nothing better to do with they're time.

She uses prepositions to consistently end her sentences with.

Her family, ashamed, tries to do an intervention, and she calls
them all cynics just because their mean to her. And she's right.
There probably all Democrats, too.

And anybody who gets upset buy this, their just too damn picky.

          (from R, bless her pointy little head)

I used to think I was weird...
Luckily, I discovered I was just out of context.

This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 05:24:58 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Police Humor

 Police quotes:

 "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after
you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

 "Just how big were those two beers?

 "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
 Dealing with trouble
 A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he   could whip the deputy
and Mohammed Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably
better than Houdini." The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't
you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
 Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
 "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
 "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
 "Nope," he  replied. "I can't do it."
 "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
 "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
 "I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
 "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"  the cop asked.
 "My wife." said the man

-=} Randall {=-  Police Error!  (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)hoot innocent

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

Do you Yahoo!?
New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 09:35:31 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Good Advice?

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its
volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in
case you are attacked by an anaconda.

Now an anaconda is the
largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa
constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs
between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.  This is
what the manual said:

  1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is
     faster than you are.
  2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your
     sides, your legs tight against one another.
  3. Tuck your chin in.
  4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your
  5. Do not panic
  6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you
     from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to
     swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
  7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You
     must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
  8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
     movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very
     gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the
     edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards,
     severing the snake's head.
  9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Also, the author of the piece I posted earlier this week, 'Idiots All', is
actually entitled 'Too Many Idiots On The Highway' and is by Melvin
Durai.  And thanks to Pete Daggett for the info.


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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 08:04:57 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 27th ~ Answering Machine Birthday

Sorry, I'm not in right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to
you real soon now. The answering machine was invented in 1945 by Edwin L.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If
you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi, this is Ed. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable
pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin ... in
which case, why don't you stop by?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very sleepy
now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You've just reached my phone in Olalla. (Oh - La - La)
To call me has just cost a dolla.
So give me a clue,
How to get back to you.
At the beep, speak clear and don't holla.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 11:34:33 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly <Mature>

Thanks Victoria for this.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
The dinosaurs became extinct because they didn’t have a space program.
           ~Larry Niven (1938-)

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 19:29:22 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Comments Sports Commentators Wish They Could Take Back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up,
and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, and
I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique,
except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front
of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some
deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again." [Are you sure George W wasn't a sports

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot, and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces."

 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice;  the
wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so
well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?!"

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Date:    Fri, 27 Sep 2002 23:00:26 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fall Movie Preview 2002

[ The Banger Sisters ]
   The story of two English women in the sausage industry who rekindle their friendship
despite a falling out over synthetic versus natural casing.

[ Ballistic: Eck Vs. Severn ]
   Antonio Banderas is beloved relief pitcher Dennis "Eck" Eckersley and Lucy Liu is
Ultimate Fighting Champion Dan "The Beast" Severn in this taut thriller.

[ Sweet Home Alabama ]
   Lord, Reese Witherspoon is coming home to you, having heard of the blueness of the
skies in that area.  Just giving you a heads up, Lord.

[ Red Dragon ]
   Jude Law was originally considered for the role of a younger Hannibal Lecter in this
prequel to "The Silence of the Lambs."  Then casting directors remembered that Anthony
Hopkins had played the role as "evil and creepy," rather than "vaguely gay."

[ The Rules of Attraction ]
   1.  Try to send her a drink, but don't force the issue.  The bartender will gladly ask
the lady if she'd like another on you.
   2.  If she accepts, feel free to wave and smile.  Stay right where you are, she'll come
over if she wants.
   3.  If she doesn't come over, she probably doesn't like guys.

[ The Tuxedo ]
   When Jackie Chan dons his high-tech tux, there's no fight he can't win.  Unless he dons
it during the day, in which case he gets KO'd by etiquette.  It's called "evening wear"
for a reason, Jackie.

[ Auto Focus ]
   Greg Kinnear plays Bob Crane, the star of "Hogan's Heroes" whose brutal murder remains
unsolved.  The movie refuses to point any fingers, as anyone with half a brain already
knows co-star Richard Dawson did it.

[ The Ring ]
   This remake of a popular Japanese horror film concerns a videotape that causes viewers
to mysteriously die after they view it.  The tape: a Blockbuster copy of director Gore
Verbinski's previous film, "The Mexican."

[ Jackass: The Movie ]
   More death-defying stunts from the beloved MTV gang: Johnny Knoxville, Kennedy, Matt
Pinfield, Loder, Simon Rex, Adam Curry and Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone.

[ The Truth About Charlie [Korsmo) ]
   Charlie Korsmo scored with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lauren Ambrose on the set of "Can't
Hardly Wait."  You didn't hear it from me.

[ 8 Mile ]
   Eminem has surrounded himself with an all-star cast for his autobiographical debut
feature: Kim Basinger as his mother, Brittany Murphy as his girlfriend, John Malkovich as
Moby, Ben Affleck as Fred Durst and Dee Snyder as Christina Aguilera.

[ Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets ]
   Come closer, dear boy.  I have a secret to tell you.  A magical one.  Are you ready?

[ Phone Booth ]
   In this daring film new film, director Joel Schumacher is placed in a phone booth for
24 hours and forced to call every Batman fan in the country and apologize for killing the

[ Die Another Day ]
   Oscar winner Halle Berry had this to day about her role as Jinx, the latest Bond girl:
        "Oh, my God.  Oh, my God.  I'm sorry.  This movie is so much bigger than me.
        This movie is for you Honor Blackman [Pussy Galore], and Lana Wood [Plenty
        O'Toole], and Grace Jones [May Day] and dear Maud Adams [Octopussy],
        and Jane Seymour [Solitaire], Famke Jansen [Xenia Onatopp], and of course
        Denise Richards [Dr. Christmas Jones].  You are all strong women.  And it's for
        every nameless, faceless, scantily clad, absurdly-named woman with very few lines."

[ Star Trek: Nemesis ]
   How do you say "flogging a dead horse" in Klingon?  Ah yes, "Hab SoSlI' Quch."  No,
wait, that's "your mother has a smooth forehead."

[ The Two Towers ]
   Since the title of the second installment in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy has eerie
resonance in the post-9/11 world, New Line plans to change the title to "The One With the
Assault on Isengard."

[ Gangs of New York ]
   Stars Daniel Day Lewis as the Crips, Cameron Diaz as the Westies and Leonardo DiCaprio
as the Latin Kings.

[ Catch Me If You Can ]
   Leonardo DiCaprio stars in this one as well, which opens on Christmas Day opposite
"Gangs of New York."  Maybe for once the mainstream entertainment press will start paying
attention to this hard-working actor ("Marvin's Room," "The Basketball Diaries").
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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