Digest for Thursday, September 26, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 560 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Old Joe
  2. Schuberts Unfinished Symphony and Dog Goes to Movies
  3. Whats for dinner?
  4. Trust.....
  5. A condom once used, ...
  6. Football Players
  7. A golf lesson
  8. The Time Of Your Life
  9. September 26th ~ International Tool Time Day
  10. Palindromes and their cousins
  11. Saucy trade
  12. Bible Based Reality Show, Too Gruesome for Network Television


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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 02:02:18 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Old Joe

There was a miner who had been up in the hills for twenty years panning for gold.  One day
he gets a wild hair, hikes down the mountain and walks into the first bar in the first
town he sees

He walks up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, you got any whiskey in this town?"

The bartender pours him a drink.  He gulps it down and says, "Bartender, you got any women
in this town?"

The bartender says, "Nope, but we got Old Joe out back."

This makes the miner mad.  He says, "No!  I don't go for that kind of stuff!"

He goes back up to the mountain and spends ten more long lonely years panning for gold.

One day the miner gets another wild hair.  He goes down the mountain, back to the same
town, to the same bar and sees the same bartender.  He says, "Bartender, got any whiskey
in this town?"

The bartender pours him a glass.  He drinks it down.  He says, "Bartender, got any women
in this town yet?"

"Nope," says the bartender.  "But, we still got Old Joe out back."

The miner thinks about this for a minute and says, "Bartender, pour me another whiskey."

As he's drinking his second glass, the miner says, "Bartender, if I was to do this thing
with Old Joe... who would have to know about it?"

The bartender says, "Well, you, me and Old Joe, of course.  And two other guys."

The miner says, "Well bartender, I understand about you and me and Old Joe.  But what
about these two other guys?"

"They're holding down Old Joe.  Old Joe don't go for that kind of stuff either!"

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 02:28:19 -0400
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Schubert's Unfinished Symphony and Dog Goes to Movies

A company president who had been given tickets for the performance of
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony couldn't attend, so he passed them to his
Total Quality Management consultant. The next morning, when the president
asked the consultant if he had enjoyed the concert, he was handed the
following memo:


1.  For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. The
number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus eliminating peaks of activity.

2.  All of the 12 violins were playing identical notes.  This seemed
unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut
drastically.

3.  No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
had already been played by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

4.   If Schubert had attended to these matters, he would probably have been
able to finish his symphony after all.

---------

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He
stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but
notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right
spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all,
he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it
unusual?"  "Yes," she said, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"

www.geocities.com/jenneaux

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 01:39:57 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: What's for dinner?

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to
carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak
and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."However, I used
to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because
he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer
with what he really likes.  If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole
new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or
"Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband
replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there And
He can get it his darn self.

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 06:27:31 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Trust.....

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony
trial. It went something like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description
   of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
   Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer, do you have a locker
   room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in
   preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
   life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
   share with those same officers?
A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex and sometimes
   lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was
called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's, "Best
come-back" line, and I think he'll win.

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 05:32:43 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A condom once used, ...

A well known Scotsman, Angus McWhirter, clad in a kilt, walks up to the
counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that
has
been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one
side.
He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor

says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How
much
to repair it, then?" Ian looks the condom over carefully, and says,
"Three
pence to repair it, Angus." Angus ponders this for a moment, then says,
"I'll
be back, Ian."  Later in the day, Angus returns with a smile on his face
and
says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair our condom!"

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 08:44:06 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Football Players

Two football players are sitting in a dorm and talking about
girls. One says to the other, "I never get lucky, I'm just
too ugly..."

The other player says: "No man, you just need to go to where
I live. There girls don't even care what you look like."

So the ugly guy says, "Well, lets go!"

They take the bus and get off in the friend's neighborhood.
They start walking down the street, and the ugly guy turns
and sees this beautiful woman across the street, curling her
finger towards herself and saying, "Come here." The ugly guy
turns toward his friend and says, "You were right! I'll meet
up with you later, see ya!"

So he runs across the street and starts following the woman.
She disappears for a brief moment around the bend of a building
and then reappears signaling with her finger, "Come here."

He continues to follow after her. She disappears behind another
building, then reappears once again... still curling her finger,
"Come here." Finally, he sees her at the top of an apartment's
stairs... one last time she curls her finger, "Come here."

He goes up the stairs and walks into the apartment which is pitch
dark. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly the lights turn
on. There he sees the woman pointing at three kids saying, "I told
you if you were bad I was going to bring you the Boogie Man!"


******************
I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete.




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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 06:00:54 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: A golf lesson

From INSOMNIACS

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours
to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he
could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to
tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no,
he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played
fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the
young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree
right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally
said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that
tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back
on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age,
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."


__________________________________________________
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New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!
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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 09:24:16 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Time Of Your Life

by C. Clarke

So, the other day, over my morning coffee, I figured out the root
cause of all of humanity's problems. The problem is that we have
far, far too much time on our hands. And we get bored easily.

I came to my conclusion after reading about the latest extreme
sport. For those of you who don't know what extreme sports are,
some examples:

Heli-skiing - This is where a helicopter crew throws a skier out
onto a part of a mountain so inaccessible and dangerous that
mountain goats have posted warning signs. You slide down a slope
on two sticks you have carefully waxed to eliminate all
possibility of speed control. There are only two ways to stop:
A) Hit a tree and B) Hit a rock.

Bungee jumping - This is where you tie yourself to a rope and
throw yourself off a high bridge, for the express purpose of
turning your stomach inside out when you come to a sudden stop. I
suspect that this sport was invented by a manufacturer who had to
quickly find a market for a bad batch of rope that had gone all
sproingy.

Snow boarding - Enthusiasts strap both feet to a single piece of
board and slide down a mountain in the most awkward way possible:
half sideways. Snow boarder dexterity is greatly enhanced by the
fashionable clothes (dropped crotch pants, toques pulled over the
eyes), and performance drugs (the stuff that Clinton didn't
inhale.)

Now the latest entry in this type of sporting activity is...
extreme ironing.

The object of this, erm, 'sport' is to do the best ironing job on
five items of clothing while, say, being suspended off the side of
a mountain, floating on the water, or sitting on the roof of a
moving car.

Personally, I always thought ironing was challenging enough as it
is. There are all kinds of potential injuries, including: steamed
face, hot flattened fingers, sudden ironing board collapse and
railroad track creases down your pants.

Or so I've heard. My own technique for wrinkle removal is to throw
my clothes in the 'ironing basket.' Over time, heat and pressure
(as the pile gets higher) slowly changes the structure of clothing
fibres in the lower layers, resulting in "petrified pants" which
are now permanently wrinkle free. The average time for
petrification is 20 years, which, happily, is the same length of
time it takes fashion makers to bring back retro styles. I'll
continue using this method until we get the "smart" clothes we've
been promised. By that I mean shirts that are smart enough to know
better than to wrinkle in the first place.

But I digress. The other new (poisonous!) extreme sport is
"scorpion (poisonous!) sitting" wherein people lock themselves in
small cells with 3000 (poisonous!) scorpions for roommates. The
idea is to break world records (currently 32 days) for endurance.

Actually, this is a sport in which I could compete. In my house,
there are no less than 5,478 spiders, some of which look like they
could be poisonous. Some of the species are quite large too, with
a leg span of about four inches if you squish them properly.

This means there are webs everywhere - so many that I think that
for Christmas, we will simply disguise the Christmas lights as
flies and let the spiders string them up. In fact, we could hold
a neighborhood competition for extreme spider decor.

See? Humans are easily bored. We need better causes. I need a
cause.

Just don't ask me to save the scorpions. Or irons.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 07:29:02 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 26th ~ International Tool Time Day <Adult, Poss offensive to males??>

Celebrate those who use tools and those who invented them. Take time today
to buy new tools, refurbish your current tools, and use some tools.

WHAT EVERY MAN WANTS
10. Sex
9. Sex
8. Sex
7. Sex
6. Sex
5. Sex
4. Sex
3. Power tools
2. Sex
1. Sex with several women while current wife uses power tools listed in item
# 3 to build her own damn garden trellis.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 13:51:00 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Palindromes and their cousins

I'm sure all of our erudite HUMORists have heard of palindromes.
This brief note penned by Richard Lederer begins with palindromes
and then introduces calendromes and semordnilaps.

Interestingly enough, the quote from Spencer doesn't say anything
about duct-tape {:-)} and it doesn't illustrate any of the three
words under discussion.                     jhm

========================================================
Subject:
        A.Word.A.Day--palindrome
   Date:
        Thu, 26 Sep 2002 00:04:04 -0400
   From:
        Wordsmith <wsmith@wordsmith.org>

palindrome (PAL-in-droam) noun

   A word (such as "level"), a compound (such as "race car"), a sentence
   (see below), or a longer statement that communicates the same message
   when the letters of which it is composed are read in reverse order.

[From Greek palindromos (running again, recurring), from palin (again) +
dromos (running)]

Palindromes make you exult Ah ha! Oh, ho! Hey, yeh!, Yo boy!, Yay!, Wow!,
Tut-Tut!, Har-har!Rah-rah!, Heh-heh!, and Hoorah! Har! Ooh! and Ahem! It's
time. Ha!

The most famous palindrome is MADAM, IM ADAM (Adam's introduction of
himself, in English, of course how convenient to Eve, the mother of all
palindromes), but my personal favorite is the wiggy, loopy, lunatic GO
HANG A SALAMI. IM A LASAGNA HOG. And let's tip our collective hat to the
astonishingly long yet coherent DOC, NOTE, I DISSENT. A FAST NEVER PREVENTS
A FATNESS. I DIET ON COD.

I hope you're enjoying this palindromic -- or shall we say, calendromic --
year, the last one you'll ever see! You remember 1991, and MIM and MM --
possible Roman numeral representations of 1999 and 2000 and the last time
that Arabic or Roman palindromic years will ever again occur consecutively.
Don't hold your breath until the next calendrome. 2112 won't be here for
another hundred and ten years.

Close kin to the palindrome is the semordnilap, which is a reverse spelling
of palindromes. While a palindromic word (such as civic) conveys the same
message left to right and right to left, a semordnilap becomes a new word
when spelled in reverse. Examples include decaf/faced, deliver/reviled.
In a semordnilap may repose a hidden message:

* War is raw.
* Boss is spelled b-o-s-s because your boss is a backward double s.o.b.
* When you are stressed, you may reach for desserts.

This week's theme: words about wordplay by guest wordsmith Richard Lederer
(richard.lederer@pobox.com).


............................................................................
Reading is seeing by proxy. -Herbert Spencer, philosopher (1820-1903)

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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 19:05:50 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Saucy trade

 Some trades look fishy, but this one leaves us a little shell-shocked.  Kenneth
Kristensen of the Vindbjart team in the Norwegian National Soccer League's
third division wanted to be traded to rival Floey because of a "remarkably
beautiful girl" living on the island of Flekkeroey where the team plays,
according to the newspaper Faedrelandsvennen.  Vindbjart officials were
willing to accomodate him, but they wanted something in return.  They settled
for his weight (165 pounds) in fresh shrimp.
  We would have liked this deal for Vindbjart if it had added some mussel to
the lineup.

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Open Season, Tom FitzGerald, Sept. 25, 2002+



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Date:    Thu, 26 Sep 2002 23:00:18 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Bible Based Reality Show, Too Gruesome for Network Television

Christian Fear Factor to Air Only on Baptist Network

Freehold, Iowa-   All True Christians® know that NBC's television show, Fear Factor, is
nothing to be afraid of. It's not surprising that the Hollywood Jews who created the
program didn't consult their Bible for ideas. "Most of them Jews don't have the stomach
for the Lord's Word anyway," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "For example, those Torah Cards they
read are very clear in telling them what the Lord wants them to do, but when was the last
time you saw a Jew sacrifice an animal, much less stone a harlot or small child?  You see
those Jew boys have spent so much time ignoring their half-Bible that they forgot that the
Lord's idea of things that create fear in humans is way more diabolical than anything even
network television can come up with!  One reason for this faint-heartedness is namby-pamby
secular laws that restrict our sacred rights to hurt folks in the name of God.   Half the
stuff God commands them cheap suits to do in their so-called Torah is illegal in all 50
States. Oh heck, let's be honest here folks, the American pubic is so coddled and made
weak by the fake "God is Love" Hallmark Greeting Card Jesus that false Christians promote,
they don't even have the stomach for the gruesome fear that He alone can cause!  Well,
that, my friend, is about to change!"

True Christians who read and understand the Bible are thanking God for privately owned
not-completely-for-profit Christian Television stations like the Landover Baptist
Broadcasting Network® (LBN). One  well-known evangelist remarked, "It is the only station
in America with Christian balls enough to take NBC's sissy version of Fear and give it
back to the author of all Fear - The Living, Vengeful God!"

This fall, LBN will broadcast one of the most eagerly awaited Bible based reality programs
since Levitical Law Week. 6 Bible Fear Factor participants will compete head to head each
week in grueling Bible based competitions.

BIBLE FEAR FACTOR - Friday October 18, 2002 - 8 P.M.

1.  The First Challenge: Collect 200 Foreskins  (1 Samuel 18:27)

Each Bible Fear Factor contestant will have 8 hours to collect two hundred foreskins with
nothing more than a toenail clipper, a roll of paper towels, a Mason Jar, and 3 bus
tokens. Since participants know the nature of this challenge long before the competition
begins, they will have plenty of time to track down enough unsaved people with
uncircumcised penises within a 100 mile radius of Des Moines (the keen contestant will be
on the lookout for perfectly groomed flower beds, knowing that a Mexican gardener can't be
too far away!). The three Christians who come back with the most foreskins in their Mason
Jars, will advance to the next round. Because each foreskin will be measured to validate
the accuracy of a Biblical circumcision, it is recommended that each penis be cut
according to the following Baptist (Bible) standard, to avoid any discrepancies. (Please
Note: any female participating in this particular Biblical Challenge will be stoned as a
harlot during May sweeps.)

 "Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred
men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that
he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife."
(1Samuel 18:27)

2.  The Second Challenge: Eat a Bowl of Live Locusts   (Matthew 3:4)

Each Bible Fear Factor contestant will have one hour to partake in John the Baptist's
favorite meal: Locusts. Contestants will be allowed a teaspoon of honey every 15-minutes
(as was John the Baptist) to prevent the locusts from hopping around in their stomachs or
crawling back up their throats. The two Christians who consume the most locusts in an hour
will advance to the third and final round of Bible Fear Factor.

 "And the same John had his raiment of camel's hair, and a leathern girdle about his
loins; and his meat was locusts and wild honey."  (Matthew 3:4)

3. The Final Challenge: Under the Knife!   (Mark 9:43)

Bible Fear Factor finalists will start with their fingers, move to their hands, feet, eyes
and private areas, cutting off each one! Whoever bails out and can't part with any more of
their own body parts for whatever reason, forfeits the prize to the other finalist.

"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed,
than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched."  (Mark
9:43)
____   ____   ____   ____   ____
Copyright 2002, Americhrist Ltd.

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