Digest for Wednesday, September 25, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 523 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. =?Windows-1252?Q?Iraq_To_Allow_Weapons_Inspectors_Back_Unconditionally=2C? = =?Windows-1252?Q?_With_The_Following_Conditions=85?=
  2. September 25th ~ Food Service Employees Day
  3. Gas Prices???
  4. Teenage logic
  5. a night out
  6. You Might Be....
  7. How Times Have Changed!
  8. A few Jokes
  9. Caribbean Tale
  10. Prepare for landing
  11. True facts: Vin Diesel X-posed!


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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 02:02:21 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: =?Windows-1252?Q?Iraq_To_Allow_Weapons_Inspectors_Back_Unconditionally=2C?= =?Windows-1252?Q?_With_The_Following_Conditions=85?=

United Nations, Sept 16 - Bowing to international pressure and the threat of a U.S.
Invasion, Iraq has agreed to let weapons inspectors return without conditions.  According
to a letter to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan from the Iraqi foreign minister, Naji
Sabri, all that needs to happen is for certain conditions to be met so that the
unconditional return could commence.

"When are we talking about, a return in 2006?  2007?" said Mr. Sabri, during a preliminary
meeting with U.N. officials.  "What, sooner?  No problem.  Just fill out this form.  And
these inspectors are all to be from Madagascar, right?  What, no?  No problem.  We'll just
have to delay things a bit while we hire some new cooks, and redesign the fine guestrooms.
We were going for an Afro-Island look.  Now it's back to the drawing board.  This will all
take time.  Also, we're going to need some time with the access ramps.  What, the
inspectors aren't going to be wheelchair bound?  Couldn't they be tied to wheelchairs?
No, not as a condition, but just as a formality?"

Despite these logistical issues, Iraq promises unfettered access to all of the 35% of
Government controlled land the inspectors will want to examine.  The remaining 65% has
been designated one really big, winding Presidential palace.  Said a high-ranking Iraqi
official, "There's no way we're going to be building any weapons of mass destruction in
the Presidential Palace.  Too messy.  Saddam likes things clean.  I mean, the guy makes us
kiss his armpits, for Christ's sake."

When the U.S. responded to the mention of any such limitations with a launching of planes
from Turkey, boats from France, troops from Saudi Arabia and even several battalions of
elephants from Carthage, Iraq stressed that these were "formalities" and "Logistics-to be
worked out."

"Hell," said one Iraqi negotiator, "They can probably come into parts of the palace.
They'll just have to take off their shoes and wear these house slippers.  And blindfolds.
We have nice silk palace blindfolds.  Also, they would have to ignore the fleets of trucks
full of heavy equipment fleeing the site.  Other than that, you'll be completely
unfettered."

The White House remains skeptical.  Said spokesman Ari Fleischer, "Oh, we're going to war.
Don't you sweat it.  They'll screw up, and we'll blow them to kingdom come!  They are so
dead.  Of course, the President hasn't yet decided what course of action we'll be taking,
and is still weighing his options, but they are so dead."

Upon hearing this, the Iraqi negotiator said, "Did I say blindfolds?  Nonsense!  These
guys are welcome back unconditionally.  We missed these guys.  Just fill out this form.
Now, the inspectors are all going to be from Syria, right?"
___
by Dan Kilian
 Copyright 2002 Broken Newz

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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 03:10:40 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 25th ~ Food Service Employees Day

The fourth Wednesday in September recognizes the contributions of food
service workers.

BACK AGAIN
A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it
off with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter.  "Do
you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast
here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the
gutter like a veritable bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir," began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right," said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to
trouble you again."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

BREAKFAST ORDER
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one
morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's
runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled
bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles
away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep
freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee,
luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be
quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~

SLOW SERVICE
The restaurant where I took my two kids for a meal was crowded with fans
watching a sporting event on television. A harried waitress took our order,
but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of
victory came from the bar.

"Hey!" commented my youngest, "It sounds like someone just got their food!"


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 06:13:19 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Gas Prices???

So You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? Lets put this into Perspective:

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 -- $10.32 per gallon;

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 -- $9.52 per gallon;

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 -- $10.17 per gallon;

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 -- $10 .00 per gallon;

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 -- $33.60 per gallon;

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 -- $178.13 per gallon;

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 -- $123.20 per gallon;

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 -- $25.42 per gallon;

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 -- $84.48 per gallon;

........and this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9 oz or $1.49 -- $21.19 per gallon $21.19 FOR WATER and the
buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or Heaven forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...........

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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 06:15:08 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Teenage logic

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of
balancing his new bank account.

"The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods
store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 05:00:50 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: a night out

  Alice and Jerry had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Alice was finishing the dinner dishes,
Jerry stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?"
he asked.
  Not even turning around, Alice quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd
love to!"
  They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of
the evening that Jerry finally confessed that his question had
actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Alice's
feet on the kitchen floor.


__________________________________________________
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New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!
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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 08:22:56 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: You Might Be....

You Might Be A Redneck If...

... you trim your beard and find a French fry.
... you use a piece of bread as a napkin.
... you wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
... your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".
... your car alarm eats dog food.
... your car burns more oil than gas.
... your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
... your horse can count higher than you.
... your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard.
... your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
... your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
... your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
... your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
... you've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
... you view duct tape as a long-term investment.
... you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
... you have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.
... you've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
... you bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work.
... Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
... you've ever stolen a bulldozer.
... all of your four-letter words are two syllables.
... you cut your toenails in front of company.
... you've ever been too drunk to fish.
... you think women are turned on by animal sounds.
... you think women are turned on by tongue gestures.
... you have to dress the kids up to go to Wal*Mart.
... you grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister.
... you've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
... you know how many bales of hay your car can hold.
... you made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
... you have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.
... your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to-school clothes
    for the kids.
... your sister's child looks just like you.
... you've ever given rat traps as a gift.
... your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater.
... the Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice.
... you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
... in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.


********************
WANTED: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field
work; knows how to cook. MUST own tractor; send photo of tractor!


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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 11:03:29 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How Times Have Changed!

TIPS ON GETTING MORE EFFICIENCY OUT OF WOMEN EMPLOYEES

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should
hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower
shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to
select the most efficient women available and how to use them to
the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject
from Western Properties

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of
responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they are less likely
to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing
it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal
with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have
worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women
who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting
themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's
always well to impress upon older women the importance of
friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who
are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and
efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special
physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step
not only protects the property against the possibilities of
lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female
weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for
the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a
minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on
schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely
to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employees a definite day-long schedule of duties
so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for
instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women
make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them,
but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job
to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be
less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the
day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A
girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her
hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times
a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms.
Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the
way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts
off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around
women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear
vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she
hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each
girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much
in keeping women happy.

This is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Mass Transportation.
This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the
work force during World War II -- a mere 59 years ago.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 11:39:48 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: A few Jokes

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his
favourite sporting goods store. He parked
it outside and went in to do a little
perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar
walked into the store, she happily greeted
him. But he requested to look around the
store today before he needed her help.

She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to
him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw
someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

Oscar panicked, "Did you try to stop him?"

She said, "I did better than that! I got
the license plate number!"

==================================================
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands
 over tea.

   "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting
 his nails.  He makes me terribly nervous."

   "My Billy used to do the same thing," the
 older woman replied.  "But I broke him of
 the habit."

   "How?"

   "I hid his teeth."
=================================================
We have an old tree that became diseased and was
losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant
and called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon
arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.

He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried
to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up
the wrong tree!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  She was a suicide blonde; she dyed by her own hand.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/


__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!
http://sbc.yahoo.com

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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 15:05:45 -0500
From:    chaps <cpoduri@NICUSA.COM>
Subject: Caribbean Tale <clean>

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened
by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day during a tropical
storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a
prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of
lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a
shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his
new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the
next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force
could change him back into a prawn.

Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while
he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck
the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into
prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's
Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right
again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's
house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out and see me again.

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the
enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That
was the old me. I've changed...I'm a prawn again Christian!"

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 18:47:36 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Prepare for landing

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  The flight from San Francisco to Dallas was nearing its end.  Over the loud-
speaker, an attendant announced that the captain had just put on the seat-
belt sign, and that we should now prepare for landing.  Then she added,
"Please put your seat in its upright and most uncomfortable position."



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Date:    Wed, 25 Sep 2002 23:00:52 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: True facts: Vin Diesel X-posed!

  Real Name: Leonard Dieselwitz

  Vin Diesel's first big break came when he wrote and directed a low-budget film about
Man's search for his place in the universe called "Dude, My Arms Are Huge!"

  While Vin was a bouncer in New York City, Vin Diesel got into a scuffle and
accidentally killed one of the Fat Boys.

  Vin Diesel shaves his head because his actual hair is dense shrubbery.

  Vin Diesel's first kiss was with his biceps.

  Not wanting to be pigeonholed, Vin Diesel hopes to do adventure movies as well as
action movies.

  Much has been made of Vin Diesel's multi-racial appeal, but he is 100% Chinaman.

  Vin Diesel can chop a tree in half with his steely gaze.

  In high school, Vin Diesel formed a barbershop trio called the Aca-Fellas with friends
Mike Octane and Jimmy Fuel.

  Vin Diesel was the voice of the robot in "The Iron Giant," and he also did voice work
in Disney's classic "The Great Mouse Detective" as a giant robot.

  Vin Diesel is half cougar.

  Vin Diesel claims he could've stopped 9/11 if he'd only had access to a giant harpoon
gun.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
by Bobby Mort
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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