Digest for Tuesday, September 24, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 697 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Harry Potter Author Pregnant; Will Deliver Baby In 14 To 18 Months
  2. Writers Hell and the Heavenly Horse
  3. Smiles.....
  4. Crossing the Delaware [Contains the "S" word]
  5. September 24th ~ Libra, 7th sign of the Zodiac (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
  6. Idiots All
  7. not offensive, except maybe to bad cooks.
  8. "The situation is grave," The Old Perfesser said cryptically.
  9. Dont mess with little old ladies
  10. Ouch!
  11. Choices
  12. Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before theyre canceled ( Cable ) < adult language >


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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 02:02:21 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: 'Harry Potter' Author Pregnant; Will Deliver Baby In 14 To 18 Months

        Wants to Be Sure Infant Is Up To Her Usual Standards, Rowling Says

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling announced today that she was pregnant but warned fans
not to expect her to give birth "for at least another fourteen to eighteen months."

Ms. Rowling defended her unusually long gestation period, calling herself a
"perfectionist" who wanted to be sure that she "got the baby right."

"I'm a perfectionist and I want a bit more of a tweak," the best-selling author said. "If
I delivered a baby who wasn't up to my usual standards, that wouldn't be doing me or my
fans any favors, would it?"

Ms. Rowling, whose successive installments in the "Potter" series have been getting
longer, heavier and bulkier, seems to be taking the same approach to child-bearing,
telling reporters she expected her new baby to weigh "two to three times" as much as her
first child.

To that end, Ms. Rowling said, "I am eating like a bloody pig."

Publishing insiders seemed to agree with Ms. Rowling's assessment, predicting that the
author's next child would be "huge."

"I saw her the other day on Charing Cross Road, and she was literally stuffing her face
with toffee," said one British publisher, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I daresay
she looked as though she had just swallowed J.R.R. Tolkien whole."

While 18 months is a long gestation period for most mammals, it is not extraordinary for
the Asian Elephant, who may take up to 21 months, experts say.
___    ___    ___
by Andy Borowitz
 Borowitz Report

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 02:38:36 -0400
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Writer's Hell and the Heavenly Horse

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the
fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a
steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with
thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers,
chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too,
were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets
published."

==========

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2
weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he
crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds
him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the
missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor,
he sees this horse.

He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your
horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.
You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the
horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he
says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling
really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God,
thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can
to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle
and says, "Thank God".


www.geocities.com/jenneaux

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 06:22:18 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles.....

A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking,
well-dressed, just past middle-aged gentleman. "Can I help you?" the
madam asked. "I want to see Natalie", the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie
is >one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."No, I must
see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his
pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an
hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a
row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1000 a visit. Again
the man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later
he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services
three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from
Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know", said the old man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3000 inheritance

THE MORAL OF THE STORY.........Some things in life are certain....death,
taxes and being screwed by a lawyer.

*************************************************

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden
but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped d him, was
in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned
his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,
don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the
next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire
garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note
to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His
son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do
at this time."

*************************************************

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated
to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by
two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael and
this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank
you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever
had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well,
I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you
must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so-- I am the chip monk."

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 05:50:06 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Crossing the Delaware [Contains the "S" word]

You might enjoy this little history lesson!!!!

Crossing the Delaware

Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be shittin me" came
from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of
our
Country.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his
troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat.  It was extremely dark and
storming
furiously and the water was tossing them about.  Finally, Washington
grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with
a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where
they were
heading.  Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued
swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched nearly an
hour trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.  All of them felt
terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them they must go
on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.  General Washington pounded on the
door,
his men crowding around him.  The door swung open and much to his
surprise
stood a beautiful woman.  A huge smile came across her face to see so
many men
standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, Madam, I'm General George Washington
and
these are my men.  We're tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need
warmth
and comfort.

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad
smile
on her face said, "Well, General, You have come to the right place.  We
can
surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are thirty-two of us without
Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!"

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 03:51:43 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 24th ~ Libra, 7th sign of the Zodiac (Sept 24 - Oct 23)

RULING PLANET: Venus, goddess of tons of stuff and goodies.
ELEMENT: Air (intellectual thinker)
QUADRUPLICITY: Cardinal (action)
POLARITY: Positive / Masculine (direct, self-expressive or extrovert)
SYMBOL: The Scales are the sign of the diplomat and the ditherer.
COLOR OF CHOICE: Shades of Blue, Cyan
STARSTONE: Sapphire
BODY PART: Libra rules the kidneys. The kidneys are instrumental in
balancing the body's fluids. In the same manner, Librans seek balance in
their lives.
KEY PHRASE: "I Balance."
* On the downside: Oversensitive, Snobbishness, Cold, Vain, Demanding.
* Your good qualities include: Affectionate, Likable, Magnetic, Socially
Correct.
* Learning to temper your good qualities with a fair amount of tolerance may
be your life's work.

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative
with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have
all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection,
no?

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and
how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do
something about it.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one.
Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny
slippers to work.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight
lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will
gasp in amazement.

LIBRA (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You
will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan
B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments,
the value of those can only plummet so far...)

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those
annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 20)
Angst day, today.

AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 18)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw
them a raisin cookie.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell
it to.

The Humorscope has been called "uncannily accurate," by at least one person.
I construct them each day, using precise planetary positions, a custom-made
analog computer, and ancient Norwegian meditation techniques. Or at least,
that's what I would do if I had more time. Currently, I mostly just spin a
carrot.

by Ron E. Lunde
http://www.humorscope.com/

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 08:55:04 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Idiots All

Have you ever noticed there are more idiots on the highway than
anywhere else?  I don't mean this in a bad way. I've just heard
many motorists refer to other drivers as "idiots".

"Look at that idiot," they say. "His turn signal has been on for
20 minutes."

Someone who runs a red light is almost certainly an idiot. Perhaps
even a stupid idiot (as opposed to a smart idiot).

Someone who drives faster than about 85 miles per hour is also an
idiot. So is someone who drives under the speed limit.

Somehow, no matter how hard you look on the highway, you'll never
find a genius. With so many idiots out there, you'd expect to find
at least one genius. But I have yet to see a cop pulling over a
perfect driver to shake her hand. I have yet to hear a motorist
say, "Did you see that guy? He just made a perfect turn. He's a
genius."

Even if a woman drives her entire life without a single traffic
violation, no one will bring it up at her funeral. No one will
say, "Helga was such a good driver. The highway will never be the
same."

Unfortunately, the highway has only two types of drivers: normal
drivers and idiots. Once you're an idiot, it's tough to become a
normal driver. Especially if your insurance company has moved you
to the idiot class.

You make one mistake, cause one accident, and suddenly you're
paying much more for car insurance than rent.

To save you some trouble, the insurance company asks you to mail
your paycheck directly to them. "We can spend it more wisely,"
they say. "You're an idiot."

Realizing you can't afford to have another accident, you decide to
be extra-cautious on the road. You hesitate when merging with
traffic. You resist passing an Amish buggy. You even stop at a
yellow light. Guess what? You're an idiot again. The driver behind
you is certain of this. He honks and yells, "Go, you idiot. What
are you stopping for?"

Before long, you forget all about your accident -- you're only
human -- and you turn into Mario Andretti again. You drive so
fast, you even manage to pass a tractor-trailer. But your luck
runs out again and a cop pulls you over. He listens to your
excuse: "I'm sorry, officer. I'm an idiot."

The cop has no sympathy. He has already ticketed 89 other idiots.
Some thought the speed limit was only for people with cheap cars.
Others were trying to save gas. A few were certifiable idiots.
They were in a hurry to get to their in-laws.

Your insurance company gets word of your ticket and cancels your
policy. They'd rather insure Mike Tyson. Now you're stuck being
an idiot. Everyone sees you thumbing a ride. And drivers like me
just smile.

I know what it's like to be an idiot. I once ran a red light by
accident. My Mazda was struck by a mini-van and spun into another
car. A cop arrived at the scene in an instant, popping out of the
car I had just dented. This accident almost put me in the Idiot
Hall of Shame. But the selection committee decided to save room
for Halle Berry.

Considering how many idiots are on the highway, it's a wonder
normal people drive with them. It's almost like handing out guns
at the post office. It would make more sense to erect new signs on
the highway: "Left lane reserved for idiots." The left lane would
be packed, leaving the right lane safe for your great-grandmother.

Of course, some people shouldn't be allowed to drive -- the ones
who drink and drive. These people are guilty of driving while
D.U.I. (Definitely Ultimate Idiots). They get an automatic entry
into the Hall of Shame. For at least five years, these people
should be forced to hitchhike and drink nothing but prune juice.
Some might consider this cruel and unusual punishment. As for me,
I'd rather keep the roads safe. Besides, the prune industry could
use a boost.
(Author Unknown)

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 05:58:32 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: not offensive, except maybe to bad cooks.

From R Sissel (an internet friend):

YOU KNOW YOU?RE A BAD COOK WHEN ?
You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.


__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!
http://sbc.yahoo.com

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 09:00:13 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "The situation is grave," The Old Perfesser said cryptically.  <adult>

The old and MrsPerfesser were out for a relaxing Sunday drive,
finding some of the most out-of-the-way rural roads in South
Jawjuh.

On one particularly lonely stretch of road - packed dirt, I think
it was called Road #37 - they came upon a young boy walking along,
wearing only one shoe.

The old perfesser stops the car and asks the boy, "Did you lose
a shoe?"

"No suh," the boy replies. "Foun' one."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]


Dear Diary,

When your wife brings the dinner to the table, never
tell her that it looks like something from "Fear Factor."

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser walked into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, you gotta help me! I've got a constant hard-on... at
first it was fun, then MrsPerfesser started getting' a little
peeved, but now it's become painful and embarrassin'!"

Well, the old perfesser yanks down his pants and shorts to give
the doctor a close look. While the doctor's examining him, a bug
jumps off his dick and his boner goes right down.

The old perfesser says, "Holy crap, Doc, that's great! How much
do I owe you?"

The doctor, down on his hands and knees says, "Help me find that
bug and you don't owe me anything!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

MrsPerfesser got stopped by a traffic cop. "Here's my driver's
license, officer," she said.

"You know something," replied the cop. "This is one of the finest,
most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't
one of those vain women who have the photos retouched to remove
all the lines in their face."

"Well!! I never!!," MrsPerfesser replied. "Sir, you are looking at
my thumb print!"


****************
'Old Age' is ten years older than me.
         - The Old Perfesser




______________________________________________________
This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
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_____________________________________________________

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 08:31:43 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Don't mess with little old ladies

Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to the court for the
record."

Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you
on the night in question."

Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring
evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down
beside me."

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

 Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

 Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat down beside you?"

 Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."

 Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

 Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."

 Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"

 Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed
away 30 years ago."

 Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"

 Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."

 Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

 Little Old Lady: "No"

 Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

 Little Old Lady: "Well, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
hadn't felt that good in years."

 Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

 Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him,
"Take me young man".

 Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"

 Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April Fool!...... And that's
when I shot him."

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 12:31:43 -0500
From:    chaps <cpoduri@NICUSA.COM>
Subject: Ouch! <clean, off. to the fanatics>

A Pakistani ambassador to the UN just finishes giving a speech, and walks
out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and walk together in the long verandah when suddenly the
Pakistani says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have
seen of America."

President Bush says "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Pakistani whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there are Russians, Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and Indians but
never any Pakistani, Afghani or Arabs. So my son is very upset. He
doesn't understand and neither do I about why there aren't any Arabs,
Pakistanis or Afghanis in the Star Trek show."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in his
ear, "Because...the show is all about the future!!!"

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 18:30:13 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Choices

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  On a flight home after a business trip, my husband was waiting for his meal.
By the time the attendant reached his seat, only one dinner remained on her
cart.  Nonetheless, she followed routine by asking, "Steak or chicken?"
  My husband stared at the dinner for some time before responding, "I give up.
Which is it?"



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Tue, 24 Sep 2002 23:00:33 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before they're canceled ( Cable ) < adult language >

[ TLC ]
8:00:  Trading Spaces: Special Victims Unit
9:00:  Birthing is Painful
10:00:  Robot Building for Shut-Ins

[ TBS ]
8:00:  Crap Even USA Wouldn't Run
9:00:  Both a Dinner and a Movie: "Fried Green Tomatoes"

[ TGIF ]
8:00:  Blazin' Buffalo wings, Scrumptious Strawberry Margaritas
9:00:  Sizzlin' Fajita Platter
9:30:  "Double Play" Brownie Sundae
10:00:  Check, toothpick, muttered longing for a Maalox

[ MTV ]
8:00:  Sorority Bitches Unplugged 2.0
9:00:  "The Osbournes Go to Hawaii"
10:00:  Footage From a 7-Eleven Camera Near David Lee Roth's House

[ COM ]
8:00:  Beat the Geeks
8:30:  Smear the Queers
9:00:  CockPullers
9:30:  DickStretchers
10:00:  SNL: Best of Goat Boy

[ DISNEY ]
8:00:  "Pinocchio 2: Now We've Tarnished Them All"

[ OXYGEN ]
8:00:  Tracy Ullman's Visible Career Decline
9:00:  Carrie Fisher Sure is Crazy
10:00:  Program This Slot Yourself, Please

[ CARTOON ]
8:00:  Samurai Steve
9:00:  Giant Robot Panty Shots
10:00:  The Acme Hour: Bugs Bunny Insults the Japanese

[ HBO ]
8:00:  America Undercover: Why Is "Arli$$" Still On?
9:00:  Real Sex with Bryant Gumbel

[ SCIFI ]
8:00:  Babylon Five: Let It Go
9:00:  John Edward is Just Fucking With You
10:00:  Photographs of Actual Women, In Case You've Forgotten What They Look Like

[ FOOD ]
8:00:  Iron Short-Order Cook
9:00:  The Masturbating Chef
10:00:  Anthony Bourdain in a Leather Jacket

[ E! ]
8:00:  The Anna Nicole Smith Show
8:30:  True Hollywood Story: The Anna Nicole Smith Show
9:00:  The Winona Shoplifting Videotape
9:30:  Videos from Bob Crane's Personal Collection
10:00:  E! Presents: The Death of Vic Morrow
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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