Digest for Monday, September 23, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 549 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Bush Launches Operation Shut-Your-Piehole Against European Leaders
  2. Some Marine Corp humor [adult language]
  3. possibly offensive to elder aunts
  4. Good News, Bad News...
  5. Could It Be Worse?
  6. September 23rd ~ Autumn Starts 04:56 UTC
  7. Bush joke
  8. Where do you want to go today?
  9. Blazing saddles
  10. The Onion presents: Tracing Your Genealogy


Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 02:03:00 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Bush Launches 'Operation Shut-Your-Piehole' Against European Leaders

Washington —Following a flurry of international criticism regarding a preemptive strike
against Iraq, George Bush surprised pundits Tuesday with the announcement he was
immediately launching "Operation Shut Your Piehole" against nearly a dozen whiny world
leaders and United Nations officials.

According to sources, the military action will first target Canadian Prime Minister Jean
Chretien, whom Bush vowed to "make my bitch" after repeated comments from the close ally
that he was firmly against any unilateral action taken by America to remove Saddam Hussein
from power.

Bush also plans to target France, Germany and Italy — or as Bush refers to them, "those
good skiing countries."  If required, additional resources will be spent shutting up Bill
Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Louis Farrakhan and "that ungrateful little bastard Nelson

"Make no mistake, I'm no longer going to tolerate the constant nagging and late night
phone calls concerning our position on Iraq," Bush said.  "Operation Shut Your Piehole
will be launched immediately and without mercy until we hear nothing but 'yes sir,
whatever you say sir."'

Bush explained the action became necessary when he was continually forced to screen his
phone calls and turn off the ringer past 11 p.m.

"I had to disguise my voice every time Kofi Annan or that Crown Prince what's-his-name
called.  Can't those people just mind their own business?"

In one last ditch phone call interrupting the final episode of "American Idol," United
Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan begged and pleaded with Bush to turn off his Caller
ID and reconsider his tough stance on Iraq.

Bush reportedly shouted into the phone, "If you love Saddam Hussein so much, then why
don't you marry him!"

Kelly Clarkson, 20, was crowned the winner of "American Idol."  Bush admits he preferred
"the guy with the funny hair."
Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 05:52:27 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Some Marine Corp humor [adult language]

A little U.S. Marine Corps humor. Semper Fi!!

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Grey, a crusty old
Marine". He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall
wearing a
faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go
the chow line just like a private. (In this way, he was assured of being

given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe
be it
to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or

Upon becoming commandant, General Grey was expected to do a great deal
"formal entertaining", fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform.
the general would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats"
a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines.  But, the

General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to
best of his ability.

During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from

"Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in
Washington, D.C.) were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest"
various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big chested,
haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering

confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress
standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with
She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert


She made a "beeline" for the closest lance corporal. As she drew near
she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"

The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat that
Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "parade rest."  His
remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth

dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt
she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position "attention" (like the arm of a
trap smacking it's wooden base as it is tripped). Then he said, "I don't
that shit Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to the position
"parade rest" he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became
and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the

time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her
in life). And he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well!

The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who was
all these 'soldiers'" a little earlier. She spotted General Grey from
the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged
canteen cup full of liquor in his left hand. He was talking to a group
1st and 2nd lieutenants.

The blue haired lady went straight over to the commandant and
"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there. And, do
know what he told me?"

General Grey cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and
"Well, no Ma'am. I don't."

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was expressing with
body language her rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in
with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He - said,

I -don't - eat - that - SHIT- Ma'am!"

The lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux. A couple of them

choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their
detected. The next thought most of them had, "God, I hope it wasn't one
MY Marines!", and the color left their faces. General Grey wrinkled his
brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free
hand to
his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm."

"Which one did you say it was Ma'am?", the General asked. "That tall
one right over there near the window, General.", the woman said with
satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand
the wall for support.

General Grey, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled
Suddenly, he looked up his expression changed to one indicating he had
a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well,
HELL WITH 'EM! Don't give him any."
International Space Station

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 05:01:54 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: possibly offensive to elder aunts

This was in an e-mail my brother sent me:

> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
> and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
> They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 08:50:31 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Good News, Bad News...

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've
got good news, and bad news for you."

The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your

"Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?"

"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"

A woman phones up her husband at work with some news.

Him:  "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."
Her:  "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Him:  "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me
        the good news."
Her:  "Well, the air bag works!"


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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 09:09:33 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Could It Be Worse?

Being In Prison vs. Being A Housewife...

- In prison you get three square meals a day.
- At home, you cook three square meals a day and try
  to get your kids to eat it.

- In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise
  and mingle.
- At home you get to clean the yard up * so you can mow it *
  * so your kids can spread more toys all over it * so that
  you can go out and clean it again * so that you can find
  the latest lego creation that little Jr. lost, but must
  have before he can go to sleep.

- In prison you get to watch TV, even cable.
- At home you get to listen to your children fight over the
  remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless
  cartoons thanks to cable.

- In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college
  for free.
- At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and
  Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able
  to eat for the next twenty years.

- In prison all your medical care is free.
- At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out
  trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will
  see you before you die.

- In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit,
  talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
- At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and
  clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

- In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just
  hang out in your own space all day.
- At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too,
  and what the heck is free time again?

- In prison you get your own personal toilet.
- At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order
  to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how
  long till you're done so you can do something for them.

- In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
- At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's,
  AND get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

- In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
- At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

- In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you
  and make sure nothing is missing.
- At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse
  and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

- In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking
  you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you
- At home....sheesh, stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 07:58:13 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 23rd ~ Autumn Starts 04:56 UTC

Fall starts at the moment when the sun is directly over the equator, going
from north to south: the "autumnal equinox". We celebrate the fall season

1. Fall Equinox
2. Falling Leaves
3. Falling Temperatures
4. Falling Football Players

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home
team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now
trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal.

When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the
home quarterback blew his top. "How many times can you do this to us in a
single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were
wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first
quarter." The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him
tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the
ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the
steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from
here, butthole?"

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 16:21:57 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Bush joke <off to Bush supporters>

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are
you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII ."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde
with big hooters."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big hooters? Why kill a blonde with
big hooters?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See smart
ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis."

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 20:47:49 -0500
From:    chaps <cpoduri@NICUSA.COM>
Subject: Where do you want to go today? <clean>

Google is showing its love for Microsoft with a little trick reported by The
Register in the United Kingdom. As of Friday, if you entered "go to hell,"
with the quote marks, into the Google search engine the first response you
get is Microsoft's home page. Next comes Hell.com, followed by America
Online's home page.

If you entered the same phrase without quotes, Yahoo! was the fourth

Yahoo's search engine performed a similar trick, turning up Microsoft as the
first response to "go to hell." But MSN's search engine refrained from
playing the game.

[Source: The Seattle Times]

And His
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 19:45:54 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Blazing saddles

  The tense negotiations between ship owners and West Coast dockworkers are
getting plenty of attention -- but here's one story you won't read anywhere else.
It involves some very important side talks between the owners' Pacific Maritime Association and the International Longshore and Warehouse Union. Talks, we're told, that got off to a rather rocky start when the suspicious labor reps disconnected every TV monitor, speaker and electronic device in the room the owners set aside for union use.
  The talks, centering on safety issues, proceeded to go nowhere fast. So the union reps decided to let the bosses know just how they felt.   At the next meeting (this time over at the ILWU hall), a distinctive sound kept sputtering up from the union side of the table -- the unmistakable sound of gas being passed.
  "It was like a 'Blazing Saddles' routine, because every time these guys would move
on their seats, you could hear flatulence," said one union source.  "And it went on the whole day!"  Finally, after the meeting adjourned, one of the owners' crew bent over
to tie his shoe -- and lo and behold, spotted a black box taped under the table.
  "The next thing you know, charges were flying that the room had been bugged,"
said our source.   The angry bosses pulled out the box and displayed it on the table.
At which point, we're told, a union official from Los Angeles calmly reached across the table, pushed a button and out came the sound of a fart.
  The bosses just stood there, turning beet red.  Later, Pacific Maritime Association boss Joe Miniace laughed it off, telling the union reps he was "just glad to see them finally moving into the technology area -- something we've been pushing for a long time."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, Sept. 23, 2002+

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Date:    Mon, 23 Sep 2002 23:00:04 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: The Onion presents:  Tracing Your Genealogy

Building your family tree can be a fun and rewarding activity.  Here are some tips to help
you get started:

•  There are many web sites and software packages out there that can help you trace your
family history without having to deal with Grandma.

•  If you are of European descent, don't be surprised to find that your ancestors were a
bunch of bored, repressed, self-loathing people with blockish physiques.

•  To spruce up your family tree, add gold stars next to the names of all the cousins
you've nailed.

•  If you trace your family back six generations, you should arrive at the
great-great-great-great grandfather of Kevin Bacon.

•  Keep in mind that entire branches of your family tree can be taken out with a simple
Magic Marker.

•  Searching your roots for a famous ancestor is a great way to validate your miserable
existence as a legal secretary.

•  Avoid this common mistake made by many first-time genealogists: Search for people with
the same last name, not first.

•  If you are white, just tell people you're from the Medici line of Italy.  If black, say
the Mandinka tribe.  Asians, the Han-Tzu dynasty of Guangdong Province.  Who's gonna call
you on it?

•  Mormons are experts at helping people trace family trees, but they'll probably want you
to contribute to theirs.

•  Note to women: In this society, it is unimportant to know anything about your lineage
on your mother's side.  Just skip it altogether.

•  Before building your tree, ask yourself if you really want to know about the
potato-eating filth that makes up your heritage.

•  Go to your oldest living relative and ask him or her about your lineage.  Work your way
down to the second, third, and fourth oldest until you get to someone who makes some

•  If you are African-American, be advised that your research may take you to the mansion
of a fat, ugly white man in Vicksburg who is less than happy to see you.

•  Hey, you know who could help you, is the town historical society.  They could help you
find the location of the original veterans' cemetery before the county was incorporated.
You should go there right now.  I'll stay here and tell you how the Raiders game turned


        •••  Keeping Kids Safe  •••

The nation has been hit with a rash of child abductions.  What are federal officials
recommending to reduce the risk?

•  Instruct child to take different dark alley home from school every day

•  Twice a year, hold abduction drill in which you throw your unsuspecting child into
trunk of your car

•  Have children that are as ugly as possible

•  Attach your child to large, unwieldy object, such as an old toilet seat, with the words
"Bathroom Key" written on it

•  Start emotionally distancing yourself from your child now to lessen the separation
trauma of abduction later

•  Warn your children of the dangers of abduction every night as you tuck them into bed

•  Keep your children safely locked in basement, feeding them by throwing food down
heating duct

•  Avoid taking children to The Olive Garden.  The maze of tables and artificial plants in
an abductor's playground

•  Give birth to multiple offspring to hedge your bets

•  Be sure to take your children to work on Take Your Children To Work Or They'll Be
Abducted Day
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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