Digest for Sunday, September 22, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 317 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. and the beat goes on ...
  2. Cajun government officials
  3. Heart Transplant
  4. September 22nd ~ Dear Diary Day
  5. Satire of Bush May be Threat
  6. My Son the Veterinarian
  7. Reminder
  8. This must have been written by a woman.....
  9. Celebrity Clothing Lines < adult >


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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 02:02:47 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: and the beat goes on ...

Q:  What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A:  A drummer.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Another researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.  Accompanied by his
trusty guide, he too seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour
of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the
distance, he hears tribal drums.  They get louder.  The guide announces, "I don't like the
sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening.  The drums get louder.  The guide says, "I really don't like the
sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night.  The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that
the drummers must be quite close.  The guide says again, "I *really* don't like the sound
of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our
regular drummer!"

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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 06:50:00 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Cajun government officials

The Cajun Secretary of State Thibodeaux was visiting President
Boudreaux.

Secretary of State Thibodeaux noticed President Boudreaux had acquired
two
new dogs,  and asked him what their names were. President Boudreaux
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Secretary of State Thibodeaux said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs
like that?"

Whereupon President Boudreaux responded, "Mais, what else you gonna name

watch dogs, anh?"

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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 10:43:56 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which
one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in
an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The
third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30
years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why
he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't
been used."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 07:44:39 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 22nd ~ Dear Diary Day

Write in your diary today!

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S  DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 NOON - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 NOON - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 Noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath.  bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 17:40:26 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Satire of Bush May be Threat

RIDICULE OF PRESIDENT DECLARED NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT

Hyde Introduces "Presidential Dignity Protection Act"

WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service) -- As the nation prepares to mount
an all-out assault on Iraq and Saddam Hussein, Congressional
Republicans have decided to mount their own national security campaign -
- this one to "protect the dignity of the Presidential office," in the
words of a staffer to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL).  Hyde has introduced a
bill in Congress to reduce the amount and severity of ridicule and
satire being directed at the President.  The "Presidential Dignity
Protection Act" would establish "acceptable levels" of ribbing, but
also an escalating scale of sanctions against satirists who go too far
in poking fun at the President's foibles.

"We are acutely aware," said Hyde in a statement, "of the First
Amendment issues involved.  However, in a time of war and severe
national crisis, we must also focus on the responsibility of citizens
to exercise those rights in a responsible manner.  We cannot allow
churlish commentators to undermine the credibility of the Leader of the
Free World for the sake of a few laughs."

A vote on the bill in expected around the end of October.

(c) 2002 Skip Mendler, Plausible News Service.

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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 16:02:34 -0400
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: My Son the Veterinarian

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.  This
went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"You always give so generously in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she said, "every week, my son sends me money; and what I don't
need, I give to the church."

The priest replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for
a living?"  "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the priest said."   "Where does he
practice?"  The old lady replied proudly, "Well, he has one cathouse in Las
Vegas, and another in Reno.

www.geocities.com/jenneaux

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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 13:33:17 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Reminder

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  During a business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington factory, I noticed
several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.
  Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings
to keep the planes balanced.  The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and
marked "14,000 lbs."
  But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on
the side of each weight.  Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before
flight."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 17:53:03 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: This must have been written by a woman.....

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a
very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.......
Whoosh.....immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy....

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Date:    Sun, 22 Sep 2002 23:01:00 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Celebrity Clothing Lines  < adult >

From Jennifer Lopez to Delta Burke to 'N Sync's Chris Kirkpatrick, many celebrities are
releasing their own clothing lines.  Among them:

•  LaToya Jackson's psychic sweater line

•  Roger Ebert's Tent-a-rific Fattslaxx™ with popcorn-proof thigh slabs

•  Uck: Clothes bought and later returned by Sarah Michelle Gellar

•  Angela Lansbury's Pantsuit, She Wore

•  Slim Goodbody's Ready-To-Wear Organ-o-tards™

•  Lil Kim's Fuck All Y'all latex body dip

•  Steve Irwin's Zoology 500 Collection

•  Kevin Smith's superhero-comic T-shirts for the big and tall

•  Hazbin For Men, the sport-casual line from Jim Belushi

•  Steve Albini's partially untucked shirts for men

•  Larry King's Radio Pants

•  Kathie Lee Gifford's "I'd Sooner Drink Human Shit Than Actually Wear These Myself"
collection
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

..........................................................................................
.............................................

        Stein Time: What's Next For Ben Stein

Following a long, tedious run on Comedy Central, "Win Ben Stein's Money" is finally going
off the air.  How will the show's titular renaissance man spend his now abundant free
time?

•  Leer

•  Get revenge on those Comedy Central bastards by building ferocious BattleBot in own
image.

•  Flirt awkwardly with visibly repulsed women young enough to be his granddaughter

•  Fight restraining order filed by former "Win Ben Stein's Money" co-host Nancy Pimental

•  Finally track down that damn Bueller

•  Seek vengeance on anybody who ever won Ben Stein's money

•  Kick it with the ghost of Richard Nixon

•  Re-double efforts on behalf of Visine

•  Spend Ben Stein's money
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
by Nathan Rabin
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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