Digest for Saturday, September 21, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 474 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Tips For College Life
  2. The unruly child
  3. September 21st ~ US Daily Newspaper Day
  4. The Rodeo position
  5. EU debates measures to restore order and democracy in Florida
  6. Redneck Love Poem
  7. A few Jokes
  8. Salad bowl
  9. Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before theyre canceled ( FOX )


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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 02:02:35 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Tips For College Life

        Over a million students in the U.S. will attend college
        for the first time this year.  Here are some helpful tips
        to help ease the transition into a fantastic college life.

>>   Join a campus political organization.  Be sure to know your role before, during, and
after the firebombing.

>>   Establish dominance over your roommate on day one.  Flip the lights on and off and
spray your roommate with water so he or she will think you're God.

>>   If you ever get lonely, remember that you're just one phone call away from hot, sexy
women eager to talk to you.

>>   Hold a bitchin' kegger.  I know where you can get a keg.

>>   Attend a violent rally for something.  It doesn't matter what, just show up and shout
with the crowd after every rhetorical question.

>>   If you're the first in your family to attend college, then hold your head up with
pride each day.  If you're not, then don't bother--your parents love Robert better,
anyway.

>>   Buy an endless tape of "Louie, Louie." Play it whenever appropriate.

>>   Don't become anybody's bitch.

>>   Hatch a crazy scheme to change your skin color and get an African-American
scholarship to attend Harvard Law.  In the process, learn a valuable lesson about racism.

>>   Stage a panty raid on the off-campus Kmart bargain bin.

>>   Wait eagerly for Spring Break.  Shout "Spring Break" loudly when it comes.

>>   Engage in a heated Linux-related debate.  Do so with yourself, if necessary.

>>   College is a time for new beginnings.  So if you want to change your gender, now is
the time.
___
Copyright 2002, Justin Cass / wittytirade.com

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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 05:10:36 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The unruly child

 A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
 against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
 his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
 The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if
 you get hungry?', he said. 'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely
 declared the child. 'And what if you run out of money?'. 'I will come
 home and get some!', readily replied the child. The man then made a
 final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'. 'Then I'll come
 home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply. The man shook his head
 and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home; he's going off
 to college!!!!!!!'.

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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 06:19:17 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 21st ~ US Daily Newspaper Day <Adultish>

The first successful daily newspaper in the U.S., the "Pennsylvania Packet &
Daily Advertiser," was published in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, in 1784.

THE FIRST ASSIGNMENT
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first
assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs.
Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County
Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something
more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the
following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She
is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 09:20:47 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: The Rodeo position

Two Texas cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One says, " I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in
your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your
sister's!'

Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 17:20:17 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: EU debates measures to restore order and democracy in Florida

(Found on the "Net without attribution -- somebody wrote it, but it
wasn't me)


EU DEBATES MEASURES TO RESTORE ORDER AND DEMOCRACY IN
FLORIDA.

[From Le Monde et La Merde, September 12, 2002] BRUXELLES --

The storied war cabinet of the European Union continued to meet today,
deep in deliberations on restoring order to the rapidly deteriorating
situation in Florida, U.S.A. Sources said debate bogged down initially
over disagreements over whether order had actually prevailed in the
first place.

EU Minister of Information & Household Appliances Bo Husqvarnaquistholm
from Sweden reported to the group on the present situation: "We have an
across the board breakdown of the state's social and public services.
The Child Welfare Department has been taken over by people who believe
in flogging disobedient minors. Law enforcement agencies let
perpetrators of drug offenses walk away from arrest. They prefer to
focus on conducting surveillance on houses of prostitution. Election
officials are ignorant of election laws. Election workers are ignorant
of how to administer elections. Governor Jeb Bush is ignorant of the
fact that elections are a state government responsibility. Dogs and
cats have begun to try to eat each other, while alligators are eating
them both. Janet Reno evades apprehension and is liable to eat
anything."

Minister of State Stability Sylvio Pecorino of Italy summed up the
governance problem. "Legitimacy of the state has evaporated, given the
debacle of the 2000 election, compounded by this week's repeat
performance. The counties don't recognize the governor and the governor
can't find the counties. We must act to bring self-government to the
workers, peasants, and fisherpersons, both gay and straight. Regime
change is imperative."

Ministrix of Tough Love Helga Von Weinerschlanger laid out the military
options. "We can have an allied force of French Foreign Legion, Swiss
Guard, and Italian Carabinieri there in 48 hours. They can liberate the
state in several days. Then a Dutch Psycho-Active Warfare unit can move
in and dose the population into a state of blissful repose while we mop
up isolated bands of Christian and Jewish fundamentalist extremists."


The Belgian Convenor of the group, Leopoldo Poirot, twirled his
linguini for a moment and asked, "But is it legal? Shouldn't we go to
the United Nations first? Why not start with election inspections?
What's Jimmy Carter doing these days?"

French Minister of Deconstruction and Semiotics Petit Labelle objected,
"Absoluement Pas! If we do the U.S. will automatically veto and we will
be stymied. Meanwhile Floridians will continue to suffer. Better to
intimate broad consensus and promise to form a gigantic 'coalition.' If
someone says nobody supports the action, we say they will really be
glad to see us act, even if they are reluctant to say so."

The Portuguese Minister of Wine and Wool, Vino Verde, offered a
conciliatory idea: "We can have inspections first. We just make sure
they fail; that gives us the pretext to invade."

The only residual issue was the delicate one of finance. The Spanish
Minister of Platas asked, "Our per capita income is lower than
Mississippi's. How can we expect to pay for this enterprise?"

Swiss Minister of Numbered Accounts Franz Lucre replied, "Simple. We
drill for oil off the coast, turn the Everglades into a condominium
development, and nationalize Disney World."

The assembled agreed to have their nationalized television networks
immediately begin to propagandize on behalf of the mission. Dissident
commentators carefully chosen for their flaccidity would be engaged to
argue the anti-EU position, after having the crap kicked out of them
for about forty minutes. Upon completion of the operation, it would be
submitted to the European Parliament for approval.

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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 14:20:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 12:50:19 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: A few Jokes

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them
that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along
the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read
"Clean Restrooms Ahead."  Two months later they arrived in Florida
exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels,
and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.  Total restrooms cleaned: 450

================================================
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man
asking the exact time.

One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the
regularity.  "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get
the exact time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

================================================

Alabama special  forces

The latest  ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains
of Afghanistan is  to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba,  Cooter, Boo, and Scooter are being sent in with the
following information  about the Taliban:

      1. There is no  limit.
      2. The season opened last  weekend.
      3. They taste just like  chicken.
      4. They don't like beer, pickup  trucks, country music, or Jesus.
      5. Some are  queer.
      6. They don't like   barbeque.
      7. They were responsible for  Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in about a  week.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  After we pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is NOT our friend!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/


__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!
http://sbc.yahoo.com

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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 14:15:28 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Salad bowl

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from
may different countries and cultures.
  One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I
checked the chart and assume that, because of her last name, she was of
European descent.  So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to
see that she was Asian.
  As I was performing the exam, we chatted and she told me she was
Chinese and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech.  After a short pause
she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!"




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Date:    Sat, 21 Sep 2002 23:00:52 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before they're canceled  ( FOX )

----------- FOX -----------
[ John Doe ]
   A strange man in a strange place, John Doe is stricken with crippling amnesia and
tragic good looks.  Who is he?  Where did he come from?  Does the FBI have records of his
emergence?  What about the INS?  Who's keeping track of this stuff?  What, is this country
just going to shit now?  Who can I trust?  What are you looking at?

[ Fastlane ]
   Bill Bellamy stars in this hour-long excuse to play The Eagles "Life in the Fastlane"
every episode.

[ Firefly ]
   From the unconventional mind of innovative TV wunderkind Joss Whedon comes a new series
of startling originality.  A captain and his odd lot of a crew voyage among distant
planets, encountering conflict and wonder at each stop.  Their journey is a bold one,
going where no man has g— Hey… Wait a goddamn minute.  Shelly?  I'm going to need to see
Joss.  Yes, now.  I don't care what fan site he's talking to, get that punk in here.

[ Septuplets ]
   Get to know the Wilde family – Mom, Dad, and their seven children, all born on the same
day.  The kids are turning sixteen now, and they're just beginning to navigate the
minefield of life, love, and learning.  Join a very special family on a voyage of
discovery!  Oh, did we mention that they're conjoined?

[ Oliver Beene ]
   The producer of "Just Shoot Me" brings us a sitcom set in the 1950s, an artistic
departure from his favored milieu—razor-sharp satire of the contemporary workplace.
Warning: "Oliver Beene" has been proven to stunt intellectual growth in laboratory
children.  Viewers who would like to learn about life during the Cold War are advised to
read a goddamn book.

[ The Grubbs ]
   A family of ground worms set out to see America, dodging predatory birds, damaging
crops everywhere they go, and helping people who've hit tough times discover the
sustaining power of Jesus Christ.

[ Girls Club ]
   David E. Kelley promises that his new legal series is free of miniskirts and will
explore what female attorneys really talk about behind closed doors: how they wish they
could wear miniskirts because they facilitate quickies in the office.

[ 24 ]
   My name is Jack Bauer.  Last year you witnessed the longest day of my life in one
season.  Get ready to witness the day after the longest day of my life.  The pace is a
little more manageable, trust me.  It begins with "The Early Show," ends with "Charlie
Rose" and there's a whole lot of Funyuns in between.

[ Meet The Marks ]
   A hot new reality show where Mark McKinney (Kids in the Hall) and Mark Linn-Baker
(Perfect Strangers) tour North America and introduce themselves to people, make small
talk, sometimes go to Starbucks for a scone.  It's not a date, okay?  No pressure, no
promises.  Just meeting new people.

[ Cops ]
   The long running reality show, blah blah redneck, blah blah cracker, blah wife beater,
blah shirtless moron, trailer park blah blah.  Blah blah ashamed to live in a country
where blah toothless blah blah nuke Huntsville and put us all out of our misery.

[ Cedric The Entertainer ]
   Think there's nothing "entertaining" about CEDRIC, the Consumer and Economic
Development Research and Information Center?  See how "entertaining" running a small
business can be without CEDRIC's resources—including working papers on economic
conditions, fair lending standards and topics of interest to woman- and minority-owned
enterprises.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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