Digest for Friday, September 20, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 588 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Lettermans Top Ten Saddam Hussein Tips for A Romantic Evening
  2. "The Most Powerful Word"
  3. Words of wisdom
  4. September 20th ~ Battle of the Sexes
  5. junk e-mail
  6. A Ghost?
  7. Immaculate Conception?
  8. The baby shot
  9. You Know Youre Trailer Trash When
  10. The more things change...
  11. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 02:02:23 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Letterman's Top Ten Saddam Hussein Tips for A Romantic Evening

10.  Splash on a little goat's blood

9.  Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents

8.  Shampoo and condition your mustache

7.  Don't be a cheapskate at the movies -- buy the large hummus

6.  Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed

5.  Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison

4.  "Say it with toxic nerve agents"

3.  Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites

2.  Name a camel after her

1.  Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon"
___
©MMII, CBS Worldwide Inc.

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 06:38:01 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: "The Most Powerful Word"

Well, shit...

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for
your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some
days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times
when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong
shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit or find yourself up shit
creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a
lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
else!

You could pass this along if you give a shit.

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 06:24:15 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Words of wisdom

ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at
the top.
- English Professor, Ohio University

ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been
kicked in the head like this before.

ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo is bovine.

ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like a TV without a screen.
- rubin

ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's
not at all true.  I have the heart of a young boy.
...In a jar....  On my desk.    -- Steven King

ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins
to resemble a nail.

ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in any
university.

ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales.  Eat broccili.

ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It
should be thrown away with great force. -- Dorothy Parker

ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to
refuse.

ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find
a rock.

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 04:25:08 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 20th ~ Battle of the Sexes <Adultish>

In 1973, women's tennis player Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in
three sets, thus winning the Battle of the Sexes.

TOP 10 "HE SAID, SHE SAID"
10) He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said ...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said ...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said ... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said ...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said ... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said ...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said ... "Shall we try switching positions tonight?"
She said ..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart. "

4)Priest ... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.'
She said ...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said ...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
on.

And the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said ... I would, but you're never around.


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 08:22:04 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: junk e-mail   <adult>

Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:


1.  Everything is absolutely free, I only pay shipping & handling.

2.  I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.

3.  Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform
    any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm
    animals)  if I just click there.

4.  I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup
    sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years.  Just click here.

5.  I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just
    click here.

6.  I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose
    their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do
    it with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here.

7.  I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair
    loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex
    if preferred)..what else?  click over yonder.

8.  But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills,
    stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set
    of Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.


WHAT A COUNTRY........


**********************
I'm not a proctologist. I just play one on the Internet.





______________________________________________________
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intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 05:35:19 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: A Ghost?

There was a beer party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a
downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in
the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let
up.

They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,
laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window
and tapped lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out,
"eeeeekkk!  Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
(Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the
window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared
out of his wits,"What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants
tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette
and yells,  "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they  start
laughing again, and the passenger says, "Dude!, what do you think of
that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going
pretty fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there
is the old man again.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!", the passenger yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do
you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up
the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling  beer,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a
sudden, again there is MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the  window and screams out,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this
mud?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  He said he was a ghost... but I could see through his
disguise!


Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/


__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!
http://sbc.yahoo.com

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 08:57:27 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Immaculate Conception?

A woman takes her 16 year old daughter to the doctors and the
doctor says "Okay Mrs. Jones what's the problem?"

The mother says "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

So the doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the
mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your
Darla is pregnant, about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant! She can't be, she has never ever been
left alone with a man!  Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there
something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies "No not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three
wise men came over the hill.  I'll be darned if I'm going to miss
it this time!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 10:13:09 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: The baby shot

Subject: Baby Making

The Jones were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you, "Mrs. Jones cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave
everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and
perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you
can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six
or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a
lot of..." gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take
his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it."? Mrs. Jones said
quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these
twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with."She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in
amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all
in."Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um..
equipment ?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a
tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long...

"Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 08:04:52 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: You Know You're Trailer Trash When

=20
 1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than=20
 your spouse.
=20
 2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner=20
 table in front of her kids.
=20
 3.---You're been married three times and still have the same=20
 in-laws.
=20
 4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a=20
 different night.
=20
 5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
=20
 6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so=20
 clean.
=20
 7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey,=20
 watch this."
=20
 8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
=20
 9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.
=20
 10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
=20
 11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are:=20
 "Gentlemen, start your engines."
=20
 12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded=20
 right off its wheels.
=20
 13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending=20
 on how much gas is in it.
=20
 14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
=20
 15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.
=20
 16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie=20
 at the House of Tattoos.
=20
 17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a=20
 law against it.
=20
 18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
=20
 19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
=20
 20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
=20

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 17:34:19 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The more things change...

Sept. 20 is the birth anniversary of David Ross Locke (1833-1888) creator of
the literary character Petroleum V. Nasby. He was born right here in
upstate New York in the little town of Vestal. In the 19th Century Nasby was
even
more famous than that young upstart Mark Twain.

As the American Civil War dragged on and a draft was instituted in the North*
Nasby was moved send off ten reasons why "it wood be wus nor madnis for
me to undertake a campane."  Among the reasons he cited was "I hev dandruff in
wat
scanty hair still hangs around my venerable temples."  And he ends by noting:
    I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich are aginst the prossekooshn
    uv this unconstooshnel war, wood hev any wate, with a draftin orfiser: ...
."

--
Jim Mica  JMICA@ITHACA.EDU      (c)MMII
The most wasted of all days is one
without laughter. -e.e. cummings, poet
(1894-1962)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
* As a point of historical fact, the North did win the Civil War.  Feriners,
and those livin in the South need to be reminded of that from time to time.

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Date:    Fri, 20 Sep 2002 23:00:15 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Prince Harry:  The third in line to the British throne just turned 18.  All the poor
kid ever gets are hand-me-downs.  Like Wales.

2)  Angelina Jolie:  She's officially dropping Voight as her last name.  From now on,
she'd like to be billed as Angelina Loopy Wacky Nutjob.

3)  "The Four Feathers"  One of those sun-never-sets-on-the-British-Empire films.  Now
they can barely afford to make a movie about it.

4)  "The Banger Sisters"  A couple of groupies from the 1960s reunite some 30 years later.
They complain about how hard it is to find support hose.

5)  Nick Nolte's mug shot:  He got arrested on suspicion of DUI.  But whoever did his hair
should be behind bars too.

6)  Logos:  The only thing designer initials spell on your handbags this year is O-U-T.
Real status is having someone who carries your bag for you.

7)  Prime-time Emmy awards:  The winners should receive a statue of an overweight man on a
sofa with a bag of potato chips in one hand and a beer in the other.

8)  Roomba:  The $199 robot vacuum cleaner does the mindless chore for you.  The only
glitch is that it stops to watch soap operas all afternoon.

9)  "Big Brother 3"  A quick summary up to this week's conclusion: "I really, really,
really, really love you guys.  Get out."

10)  "CSI: Miami"  Here's the big question: Will the laws of chemistry and physics work
the same in southern Florida as they do in Las Vegas?

11)  Billy Joel:  He's says he's moving to Manhattan to meet women.  Meeting women's not
his problem.  It's keeping them.

12)  "In-Laws"  In this new sitcom, Dennis Farina makes life miserable for his live-in
son-in-law.  Didn't Norman Lear do something like this a few years ago?

13)  "Firefly"  A gang of futuristic misfits is forced to eke out a living on a low-rent
spaceship.  "Will work for dilithium crystals."

14)  Completely different:  Sure, "Presidio Med" and "MDs" are both about caring doctors
in San Francisco who buck the system.  But one is on CBS—the other's on ABC.

15)  "American Idol In Vegas"  The 30 finalists will perform.  Each one will appear at a
different wedding chapel.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

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