Digest for Thursday, September 19, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 520 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Newly Discovered Dead Sea Scroll Reveals Columbus, Ohio Is Actually the Holy Land
  2. a BLONDE JOKE
  3. WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
  4. Gimme That Old Time Religion
  5. How To Shower Like A Man
  6. Statistical finding
  7. September 19th ~ Holy Batman Day
  8. Another bumper sticker list
  9. Total coverage
  10. This Weeks Horoscopes


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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 02:02:09 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Newly Discovered Dead Sea Scroll Reveals Columbus, Ohio Is Actually the Holy Land

Columbus, Ohio - Archaeologists are still in shock as a newly discovered Dead Sea Scroll
has revealed that Columbus, Ohio and parts of Licking and Fairfield Counties are actually
the site of the Holy Land as referred to a number of times in the Bible.

"It's authentic, no doubt about that," Dr. Morris Graham, director of Harvard University's
Center for Middle Eastern Studies, said about the Scroll.  "This certainly puts a new
light on 5000 years of world history.  I guess we'll have to change the name of my
department to Middle Western Studies."

Columbus Mayor Mike Coleman greeted the news of his city's newfound status with much
enthusiasm.  "This is a great day for the economy of Columbus," said Mayor Coleman from
his office in City Hall.  "We think that it is a definite plus for tourism.  Of course,
we're going to have to hire an additional 86,000 police officers in the next month to deal
with parking, traffic control and terrorist attacks, but the citizens of Columbus are a
can-do people and are more than up for the task."

The Palestinian Liberation Organization has opened up a recruiting office on High Street
near the Ohio State University campus.  Business, however, has been slow as few persons in
this predominantly Methodist city have expressed much interest in becoming suicide
bombers, especially as football season is starting up and the Buckeyes have done well in
the pre-season polls.

Police, however, have reported one incident in which a 12-year old boy from the suburb of
Upper Arlington wrapped a towel around his head and threw an M-80 firecracker at his
little sister.
__
by William Grim © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 05:55:53 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: a BLONDE JOKE

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful, so she left a note
for
her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note,
he
felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,
so
he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"  The
blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with the
milk
and take a bath."

The milkman answered, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 03:35:08 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name! ?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female
impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Amish Pickup Lines: "Are thee up for some plowing?"

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/


__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!
http://sbc.yahoo.com

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 09:00:40 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Gimme That Old Time Religion  <blasphemy!! adult>

Chorus:  Gimme that old time religion,
         Gimme that old time religion,
         Gimme that old time religion,
         It's good enough for me!

Of the Old Ones, none is vaster,
 Even Cthulhu's not his master,
  I refer to the unspeakable *,
   And that's good enough for me!
(* - well, do YOU want to say it?)

Chorus:  Gimme that old time religion ...

We will pray to Zarathustra,
 We will pray just like we ustra,
  I'm a Zarathustra boostra,
   And it's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
We will venerate old Bacchus,
 Drinking beer and eating tacos,
  Til you've tried it please don't knock us,
   'Cause it's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
We will worship Aphrodite,
 Even though she's rather flighty,
  She's a looker in a nighty,
   That's good enough for me.
    - - - - - - - - -
We will go to worship Zeus,
 Though his morals are quite loose,
  He gave Leda quite a goose,
   And he's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
Shall we sing a verse for Venus,
 Of the Gods she is the meanest,
  Cause she bit me on my...elbow!
   And it's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
It was good enough for Buddha,
 As a god he's kinda cute-a,
  And he comes in brass or pewta',
   So he's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
Tho they wrote "Star Spangled Banner",
 On Anacreon's pee-anner,
  He has such a laid-back manner,
   That he's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
We will hang out with Anansi,
 He's the spider god we fancy,
  And he wears eight legged pants; He's
   Got enough legs there for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
I hear Valkyries a-comin',
 In the air their song is comin',
  They forgot the words! They're hummin'!
   But they're good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
You can keep your saints with halos,
 Your incense, hymns and aloes,
  Let's throw virgins in volcanos!
   And that's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
There'll be all kinds of lovin',
 When we worship in our coven,
  Quit your pushin' and your shovin',
   So there's room enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
Keep your Christ and his Apostles,
 They don't like Pagan Wassails,
  And they contradict the fossils!
   Darwin's good enough for me.
    - - - - - - - - -
Oh my name is Torquemada,
 I burn Luth'rans in Grenada,
  It's all for the Holy Fadda,
   And it's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
Jerry Falwell thinks he's sav-ed,
 In a lamb's blood he's been lav-ed;
  And HE thinks that *I'M* deprav-ed?
   But that's good enough for me!
    - - - - - - - - -
It's the Fundie Right's solution,
 To put Christian absolution,
  In the U.S. Constitution,
   And that don't sit well with me!
    - - - - - - - - -
There is room enough in Hades,
 For lots of criminals and shadies,
  And disreputable ladies,
   And they're good enough for me!


*************
No, I haven't found Jesus.
Have you stupid motherfuckers lost him again?



______________________________________________________
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intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 10:08:04 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How To Shower Like A Man

Even though Sandy spoiled it for some :-), here is the other side of
yesterday's submission.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile on the floor.

Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs. (no)

Turn on the water.

Check for pecs again. (no)

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one).

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Wash your penis and surrounding area.

Wash your ass.

Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

Make a shampoo mohawk.

Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 09:21:34 -0500
From:    chaps <cpoduri@NICUSA.COM>
Subject: Statistical finding <adult, off. to workaholics...>

A recently released survey indicated:

10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of women had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favor nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced anal sex.
70% of women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of women have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest. (Uh, what?!)
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal
sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in
the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office, nothing good will ever come of it...

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 07:32:24 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 19th ~ Holy Batman Day <Adult>

This day celebrates the birthday of Adam West (born in 1928), who played
Batman in the classic TV version. Pow. Bam. Boom!

SUPERMAN</B>
Superman was bored fighting crime everyday. So, one Friday night he decided
to go out on the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's house. "Hey
Batman", he says "Wanna go out tonight?"

"No, I can't, the batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix it, or
else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," says Superman, and he flies away. He decides to stop by
Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and
me," he says.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replies Spiderman. "My web is broken and I
gotta' fix it to fight crime"

Superman all disgusted, says, "You loser. Stay at home on a Friday night and
fix your damn web". So he flies away. While flying from up above he spots
Wonderwomen stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagle. Superman
thinks, "Hey, I'm Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have
a quickie and back out.   She won't even feel it." Superman flies down, does
a quick in-out-in-out and flies out at the speed of light.

"What the hell was that?" said Wonderwoman.

"I don't know," said The Invisible Man, "but it hurts like hell."

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 16:57:16 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Another bumper sticker list

THE BEST BUMPER STICKERS I'VE NEVER SEEN~~~
>
> 1) Jesus loves you...  everyone else thinks you're an ass.
>
> 2) If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
>
> 3) Save Your Breath ...  You'll need it to blow up your date!
>
> 4) Some people are only alive, because it is illegal to shoot them.
>
> 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>
> 6) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
>
> 7) Hang up and drive.
>
> 8) Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
>
> 9) Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
>
> 10) If God hadn't meant for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them
> out of meat!"
>
> 11) Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
>
> 12) Try not to let your mind wander.  It is too small to be out by itself.
>
> 13) The proctologist called......  they found your head.
>
> 14) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
>
> 15) Some people just don't know how to drive.  I call these people
> "Everybody But Me."
>
> 16) Don't like my driving?  Then quit watching me.
>
> 17) Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
>
>
>

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 18:12:53 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Total coverage

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  My husband, Felix, is an insurance agent, and almost everyone on my side
of the family uses his services.  When my older sister married, she, too,
decided to switch her policies to the company Felix works for.
  The day he completed her paperwork, my husband proudly announced to
me, "I finally finished off your sister's tenant insurance and auto policies.  And
when she came to my office today," he continued blithely, "I finished off her
life."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Thu, 19 Sep 2002 23:00:28 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
   Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little
peepholes.

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
   You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three
months and the elevator isn't stuck.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
   You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
   Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and
tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
   You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when
push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
   You're going to get one more chance to make it right.  However, please note that in
this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
   You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying
to determine whether you deserved it.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
   Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances
force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
   Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of
hyper-organization and raw sensuality.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
   Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing
that takes more than three days.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
   The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their
perspective.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
   Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems.  Then again, hard work and
self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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