Digest for Wednesday, September 18, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 537 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Baal Wins "American Idol" Competition
  2. Humor from the boss
  3. Hotel signs
  4. Toy Disclaimers
  5. Joining the Army of the Lord
  6. September 18th ~ US Air Force Birthday
  7. How To Shower Like A Woman
  8. Boondocks: Late-Braking News Network
  9. Mens Thesaurus.....
  10. Morale booster
  11. Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before theyre canceled ( NBC / WB )


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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 02:02:25 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Ba'al Wins "American Idol" Competition

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - In a fiercely fought duel of the diva deities, Ba'al overcame YHWH
(aka God) to win a million-dollar RCA recording contract-and the hearts of America-in the
"American Idol II" competition.

In a bizarre twist, after Ba'al was announced the winner, YHWH stormed off the stage,
swearing vengeance and destruction on those who cast their vote for His rival.  "I am the
Lord your God!"  He screamed.  "Thou shalt have no other gods before me!  I am a jealous
God!"  Shaken by God's unexpected outburst but still smiling, Ba'al said simply, "I can
understand His being jealous, but I wish Him all the best-there are no losers here
tonight."

"Idol" hosts Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest were less surprised by YHWH's behavior.
"We had a sense there might be some trouble if He lost," said Dunkleman.  "When He refused
to do the "Up Where We Belong" duet with Ba'al we knew all bets were off."  Seacrest
concurred.  "He kept muttering, 'I the Lord am ONE god!' Man, he's more of a prima donna
than Barbra, Whitney, and Mariah combined!"

YHWH's family also seemed taken aback by His display of wrath.  Jesus, sitting in the
front row, noticeably cringed and slumped in His seat.  He was overheard saying to His
mother, Mary, "Geez, I've never seen Dad so pissed!"

"I'm like totally in shock!" Ba'al answered when asked how he felt about overcoming the
creator of the universe to become the latest American Idol.  "I felt like I was in really
good voice tonight, but you know, God is such a versatile performer, I didn't think I had
a chance in hell of winning."

Ba'al's pop-oriented musical choices, though somewhat lightweight, appealed to the mostly
teenage crowd at the Kodak Theatre.  His version of "Evergreen (Theme from 'A Star Is
Born')" brought tears to many eyes-and turned out to be prophetic.  His rocking "Like a
Virgin" (dedicated to another "Idol" loser, Astarte), got the crowd on their feet dancing.
Bobby McFerrin's loping "Don't Worry, Be Happy" also contributed to Ba'al's feel-good
vibe.

Although the crowd was awed by YHWH's basso profundo, His Handel and Bach numbers proved
less audience-friendly.  He failed to get a sing-along going on the "Hallelujah Chorus,"
and His efforts at more modern fare also fell flat.  His vehemently serious version of the
Doobie Brothers chestnut "What a Fool Believes" was described by one audience member as
"totally creepy."  Only His rendition of the "Theme from Exodus" seemed to capture the
spirit of the event, especially as He performed it in the guise of a burning bush.

Said one spectator about God's performance, "I love Aretha Franklin songs, but heavenly
choirs and harps as the backing music for "Respect"?-what's THAT about?  He didn't inspire
me to respect Him at all-it was just embarrassing."

Though Ba'al was the overwhelming choice of the public who voted for the winner, he was
not the unanimous choice of the judges.  In a scripted statement, Paula Abdul said, "I've
known from the very beginning that Ba'al was the gold standard in this competition.
That's not to take away from YHWH's terrific performance.  But that sore loser act at the
end was just SO tacky.  It's the sort of thing I'd expect from Simon.  Ba'al just seemed
fresher, while God came off as older than the hills."

The tart-tongued British judge Simon Cowell took issue with Abdul's choice.  "I liked
YHWH's holier-than-thou attitude-it showed real self-confidence.  I mean, come on, this
was GOD for Christ's sake!  He's going to win in the end, no matter how America votes.
Ba'al was just all glittery surface with no substance.  He belongs in the barnyard with
the golden calf we kicked out in the first round-and Paula can join him there."

The third judge apparently also made comments, but no one paid attention to him.

RCA executives also seemed relieved at Ba'al's victory.  Said A & R director Ira Winkoff,
"Let's face it-it would have been a bitch to market an artist with a name like YHWH.  I
mean, Hello?  You're God-can't you BUY a vowel?  Look how Prince's career tanked after he
became symbol man.  After last night, YHWH's best chances now are to sign with an
underground label-He's strictly a niche artist."

In spite of His loss and industry disapproval, YHWH seems likely to exceed His fifteen
minutes of fame.  Unlike what's-his-name from the first series, who lost to the late Kelly
Clarkson (who was struck by lightning and died shortly after being named the first
American Idol last September), YHWH has no intention of becoming a has-been.  Already this
morning He was making His disappointment and fury known across the land as a sudden plague
of locusts hit the farmlands of the upper Midwest, floods devastated the South, prices on
the NYSE plunged, and California fell into the ocean.
__
by David B. Lott  Copyright 2002 Broken Newz

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 05:51:58 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor from the boss

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called
the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up.  Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously.
Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly
faded.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss.  "Didn't you get
the joke?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm quitting Friday."

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 13:26:56 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Hotel signs

(From my sister who has just returned from China.)

Lengthy list of do's and don'ts in a hotel in Harbin. Two gems:

3. Guest who hasn't checked in can't stay overnight or have a bath in
bathroom.

15. Guest who dye his (note the gender) hair should pay attention to
the clean of the pillowcase. If you make it dirty you should compensate
for them according to original price."

In the hotel restaurant, the waiters were very friendly and helpful,
possibly due to this sign on the wall:

" If not hard-working today, hard job-searching tomorrow"

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 07:50:27 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Toy Disclaimers

Toy Disclaimers That Should Be:

* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee
  in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

* No beanies or babies were harmed in the manufacture of this
  product.

* Some dismemberment may occur.

* Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf!
  NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.

* Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and
  eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in
  line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to
  *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already
  got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed
  for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.

* Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!

* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

* Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat
  to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

* NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume
  no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.

* Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.


*********************
It may take a village to raise a child, but my kid can raze a village.



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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 09:12:21 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Joining the Army of the Lord

       Just in from a reliable source:
-----------------------------------

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

  The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

  My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

  Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"

  He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 07:33:16 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 18th ~ US Air Force Birthday

In 1947, the U.S. Air Force was established as a separate service branch
when President Truman signed the National Security Act of 1947. William
Stuart Symington was the first Secretary of the Air Force.

WON'T HURT MUCH?
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have
blood drawn.  The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood
improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood
wouldn't hurt much.  Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my
husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and
said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 12:03:44 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How To Shower Like A Woman

  1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this
     morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to
     the temperature dropping  below 33 degrees.

  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
     If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
     exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and
     then rush to bathroom.

  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your
     gut so that you can complain and  whine even more about how
     you're getting fat.

  4. Turn on the hot water only.

  5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that
     steam.

  6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
     loofah and pumice stone.

  7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with
     83 added vitamins.

  8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with
     83 added vitamins.

  9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
     with 83 added vitamins.

10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner
     enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen
     minutes.

11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
     minutes until red and raw.

12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake
     bodywash.

13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband
     has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
     wash.

14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as
     you must make sure that it has all come off).

15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be
     bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.

16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.

17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet
     and you get a rush of cold water.

18.  Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with
     nails/tweezers if found.

21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
     If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
     exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and
     then rush to bedroom.

[Thanks to Robert]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 12:42:03 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Boondocks: Late-Braking News Network

Late-Braking News Network (LBNN)

Washington, DC (LBNN) - Comic strip artist Aaron McGruder hit the nail
on the head yesterday with the commentary in his "Boondocks" comic strip.
The kid is watching TV:

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reassured the public today that Iraq is
a starving, demoralized country whose antiquated military will be no match
for the technological might of the United States. ... He then went on to
add that the U.S. must attack immediately, as Saddam Hussein is the single
greatest threat to the continued existence of life on the planet Earth."

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 16:04:09 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Men's Thesaurus.....

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 18:15:36 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Morale booster

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  My son, Jermaine, came home from a five-month deployment aboard
his submarine, and told us that one of the ways the sailors kept up morale
was to make wooden cars out of kits and run derby races.  "What do you
do for a ramp?" my husband inquired.
  "Don't need one," Barry said.  "We just put the cars on the floor and then
tilt the sub."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Wed, 18 Sep 2002 23:00:05 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before they're canceled  ( NBC / WB )

----------- NBC -----------
[ American Dreams ]
   Produced by Dick Clark, this drama focuses on Meg, a rebellious teenage girl who
confronts the tumult of the 60s by appearing on "American Bandstand."  A future episode
depicts Meg running away to compete on "$25,000 Pyramid" instead of experimenting with LSD
and protesting the war in Vietnam.

[ Hidden Hills ]
   Soleil Moon Frye stars in this new series, in which she wears nothing but muu-muus,
bulky sweaters, sandwich boards and suits of armor.

[ Good Morning Miami ]
   Hamstrung by budget cuts due to Katie Couric's massive paycheck, NBC's morning show
scales back its newsgathering operations considerably.

[ Boomtown ]
   This musical drama tracks the rise and fall of Bob Geldof's 70s punk/pop group, the
Boomtown Rats.  Think Josie and The Pussycats, but with five o'clock shadow and reeking of
Glenlivet.

[In-Laws ]
   Think "Meet the Parents," but with  Shhh.  Shhh, don't cry, it's gonna be okay.  Don't
worry, it'll be gone soon.

[ Fall Season Automatic Pilot ]
   The National Broadcasting Company Inc, a subsidiary of General Electric has entrusted
me, the NBC Fall Season Automatic Pilot, to tell you, the NBC Automatic Viewer, about the
wondrous new season of our top rated hit television programs.  Some of the major questions
for this scintillating new season of programming include:

  "Friends": Will (MALE CHARACTER) and (FEMALE CHARACTER) engage in sexual intercourse or
not?

  "Frasier": Will (CHARACTER) finally find a meaningful relationship despite (GENDER
PRONOUN) maddening quirks?

  "ER": Will the show continue to be a powerhouse after the beloved (ACTOR) leaves the
show?

  "Will & Grace": Can you believe that (SEXLESS HOMOSEXUAL CHARACTER) would (SAY/DO) that
outrageous thing with the (GUEST CHARACTER OF HIGH STATION) in the room?

  "Just Shoot Me": Is this (UNFUNNY CRAP/ ABYSMAL TRIPE/ SECOND COMING OF "WINGS,"
WITHOUT THE MITIGATING FACTOR OF THE ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL TONY SHALHOUB) still in production?


----------- WB -----------
[ Gilmore Girls: Beginnings ]
   Some critics may argue that this is a cheap repackaging of one of the few unqualified
hits we have on the network.  Do any of these critics remember "Ally"?  Or that "If You
Haven't Seen It, It's New To You" campaign?  And really, how many different "Law and
Order" shows are there now, like fourteen?  Besides, we're the WB.  The network that
brought you "The Steve Harvey Show" and "Smart Guy."  We stopped listening to critics a
long time ago.

[ Everwood ]
   It's an adaptation of "Boogie Nights."  Thank you!  I'll be here all week.  Well, at
least until Thursday.  Then I have to go visit my grandmother.

[ Family Affair ]
   Few of us at the WB could contain our enthusiasm when we signed Gary Cole to play the
father in the remake of this heartwarming series from the '60's.  We were all running
around the office saying stuff like "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Mr. French?" and laughing our
asses off.  Then some punk intern told us that that's a different guy.

[ Do Over ]
What if you could go back in time and change the mistakes you made in the past?  What if
you could go back to high school and do things right this time?  What if you were a WB
development exec who heard that ABC was doing a time travel show and decided to steal the
concept?

[ Birds of Prey ]
Guys, have you read the description for this show?  The Barbara Gordon Bat-Girl (confined
to a wheelchair  la Alan Moore's landmark graphic novel "The Killing Joke") teams up with
the Earth-2 version of the Huntress (Batman and Catwoman's supposed lovechild) to defend
Gotham City against the Joker's sidekick Harley Quinn (from the animated series!!!).  It's
such a weird jumble of current and pre-Crisis DC Comics continuity mixed with a generic
"V.I.P." rip-off.  What's next, a buddy cop show teaming the Jason Todd Robin and Beppo
the Super-Monkey?  I can't wait to write a joke for this show.
--Nick Nadel

[ What I Like About You ]
   Several things, actually.  You keep me warm at night, and you really know how to dance.
Also, you gave me a handjob on our first date.

[ Greetings from Tucson ]
   Just chillin with Skad-lo and Megan at Cody's bungalow.  The weather here is hot, but
it's a dry heat.  We were gonna take a drive the other day, but Cody got some bad weed.
Hope you can make it out for Burning Man, brah.  Havin' a here time, wish you were
beautiful,
hahah.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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