Digest for Tuesday, September 17, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 531 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Iraq Agrees To Weapons Inspections; Cheney Begs Them To Reconsider
  2. Girls Prayer/Boys Prayer.....
  3. Headlines 2035
  4. A dumb crook
  5. A Pun (A groaner, but not offensive)
  6. How To Rob A Bank (or...how not to...)
  7. "Sure, I can climb cliffs!" The Old Perfesser bluffed.
  8. Men Washing Stuff (clean)
  9. September 17th ~ Citizenship Day
  10. Sleeping beauties
  11. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 02:02:16 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Iraq Agrees To Weapons Inspections; Cheney Begs Them To Reconsider

        - Don't Make Any Hasty Decisions, Vice President Urges Saddam -

Just minutes after the government of Iraq agreed to the unconditional return of U.N.
weapons inspectors, Vice President Dick Cheney urged the Iraqis to reconsider their

"Let's not be too hasty about this," Mr. Cheney urged the Iraqi government.  "You could be
making a huge mistake here, guys."

Mr. Cheney added that accepting weapons inspectors back into their country was a "big
decision" and encouraged the Iraqis to "sleep on it."

But hours after Mr. Cheney begged the Iraqis to reconsider, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein
released an official statement of his own, leaving little doubt that he intended to stick
with his decision.

"Not only am I sure that I want the weapons inspectors to come back to Iraq," Saddam's
statement read, "but I am totally stoked about it."

A less enthusiastic response to Saddam's decision came from U.S. General Tommy R. Franks,
who had just moved his CENTCOM office from Florida to Qatar in preparation for military
exercises in the Persian Gulf region.

"No way!" General Franks said when informed of Saddam's decision.  "You've got to be
yanking my chain!"

Meanwhile, an aide to the Vice President said that Mr. Cheney was returning to his secure
undisclosed location for a few days "to be alone," but denied that the Vice President was

"The Vice President is an optimistic man," the aide said.  "This is a bump in the road,
but he is still hopeful that Saddam will change his mind and refuse to allow weapons
inspectors to return to Iraq."
by Andy Borowitz
© Borowitz Report

@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@

        Letterman's Top Ten Ways To Tick Off Buzz Aldrin


10.  When you meet him, make buzzing sound like a bee

9.  Squeegee his space helmet and ask for a buck

8.  Spell "Buzz" with one "z"

7.  Pronounce NASA, "Nassau"

6.  Fill his oxygen tank with piping hot clam chowder

5.  Every time he eats cheese, wink and say, "Wonder where you got that, moon man?"

4.  Ask if he is related to Ruth Buzzi

3.  Call him Spock

2.  Refer to Apollo Eleven as "That guy from the 'Rocky' movies"

1.  Hog the Tang
©MMII, CBS Worldwide Inc.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 06:33:04 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Girls' Prayer/Boys' Prayer.....

A Girls Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.

A Boy's Prayer:

I pray for a nympho with huge boobs
who owns a beer store.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 05:37:39 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Headlines 2035


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least fifty more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but Pres Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it
crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters,
and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

-=} Randall {=-  Actual Headlines: Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 06:53:16 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A dumb crook

DARWIN STRIKES AGAIN: Police responding to a house burglary in Tulsa,
Okla., were given a description of the suspect and shown which way he
ran. They quickly spotted Edward Jerome McBride, 37, and watched as he
dove into the Arkansas River. "They began ordering the suspect to get
out of the river, but the suspect continued carrying the bag [of loot]
and swimming farther from shore," a police spokesman said. Then McBride
started calling for help. Two officers jumped in to try to rescue him,
but they were too late -- he drowned. McBride couldn't swim very well
because the duffel bag he was dragging weighed 55 pounds. Even though
he dropped it before going under, he had "a significant amount" of
jewelry stuffed into his cargo pants pockets dragging him down. (Tulsa
World) ...Just another crook overwhelmed by weight of the evidence.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 05:15:25 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: A Pun (A groaner, but not offensive)

From one of my correspondants on the Insomniacs list:

Way down the Mississippi River, two tugboat captains who had been
friends  for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their
whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his
boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked
surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an
aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! News - Today's headlines

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 08:55:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How To Rob A Bank (or...how not to...)

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a
number of would-be robbers.

You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim,
CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and
had no money.

Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield,
Minnesota.   Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk
took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.
Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy
down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and
her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape
about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.

Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued
in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detroit...and in East
Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.

A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her
face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up

One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran
face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to
be positively identified by lip-print.

Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn
into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police
guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security
men money.

Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who
hit the bank at 430 PM, then tried to escape through downtown
North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until
police arrived.

Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket,
shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, MA,
who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was
still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked
nearby, had the keys locked inside it.


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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 09:53:08 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "Sure, I can climb cliffs!" The Old Perfesser bluffed.

"Look at the old clothes I have to wear," said MrsPerfesser.
"Why, if anyone came to visit, they would think I was the cook!"

"Well, you know," said the old perfesser, "they'd sure change
their mind if they stayed for dinner!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

I never say "Excuse Me"... It indicates that I may have
done something wrong, and we all know that just ain't true.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

A homeless man approached the old perfesser on the street.
"Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?" he asked.

"That's just ridiculous!" the old perfesser said huffily.

"Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need
a damn lecture about how to run my business!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

I haven't told MrsPerfesser yet, but I've got our double-wide
headstone already picked out, and it's complete except for the
On my side, the epitaph reads, "What Are You Lookin' At?".

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Last night, a candidate's TV ad had a phone ringing that sounded
like ours. MrsPerfesser jumped up to answer it, trod on the dog
and fell against the coffee table, breaking a tooth.

You can be dang sure THAT candidate won't be getting our votes.

If you add enough Hershey's syrup to Slim-Fast,
it tastes like a milkshake.
                           - The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 07:27:55 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@PREMEDIASYSTEMS.COM>
Subject: Men Washing Stuff (clean)

   One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
   Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
   "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
   "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
   He yelled back, "University of Kentucky."

Susan Birkenseer

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 13:56:43 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 17th ~ Citizenship Day <Adultish>

In 1787, the U.S. Constitution was completed and signed by delegates from 12
states attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania. The U.S. Constitution is the oldest working constitution in
the world. Also known as Constitution Day.

1. Tax code allows deduction for one hostage takeover/standoff per family,
per year.
2. Every Thursday: 2-for-1 drinks at Hooters.
3. Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated aginst, less'n he's from New York (or is
otherwise Jewish or Muslim or somethin'), or is just kinda dark or different
in some way.
4. Barbecued ribs are legal tender for all debts.
5. Congress shall make no law restricting the size of hats or belt buckles.
6. Citizens to receive one vote per gun owned.
7. Constitutional amendment requires 2/3 majority of both houses of
legislature, or Tom Landry's say-so.
8. The right to bare breasts, but only on cable. (Not in real life.)
9. Vegetarians count as 3/5 of a person.
10. Freedom of religion: you can worship the Cowboys *or* Willie Nelson.
11. Civil disputes that cannot be resolved in court shall be settled by a
chili cook-off.
12. Freedom of Delusion.
13. No citizen will be charged extra for gravy on French fries.
14. Cold beer cans can be used as "testicular temperature regulators" when
operating a motor vehicle.
15. State bird:  Raised middle finger.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 18:30:49 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Sleeping beauties

Death is hardly something to look forward to, but one Italian funeral home is
trying to make the afterlife a tad more tempting by using bikini-clad women to
sell its coffins.
  On its site http://www.cofanifunebri.it, the Rome-based funeral home and
coffin factory Cisa features its hand-crafted caskets alongside models sipping champagne or reclining seductively on the lids.
  "We wanted to make the whole idea of picking your coffin less serious, maybe
even make people laugh a bit," Giuseppe Tenara, one of the partners, said.
Near-naked women are used to sell everything in Italy from computers to
chocolate bars, but Cisa has taken the advertising ploy to new limits.
  The page featuring the firm's "Madonna" coffin shows a pouting woman in
zebra shorts and high-heel boots kneeling next to the casket, while in "Empire
Style," a blonde donning a black G-string leans on a coffin and turns her
backside to the camera.
  "Unfortunately the site hasn't helped sales much, because we mostly get calls
from far away places like Greece and Spain instead of Rome," Tenara told Reuters.
  That hasn't stopped Cisa from creating an online "sexy calendar" with yet more temptresses frolicking among the coffins.
  Still, not all clients have been charmed.  "Some people are scandalized, but
we just explain that we're trying to make people laugh," Tenara said.

+Source: Reuters, Sept. 17, 2002+

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Date:    Tue, 17 Sep 2002 23:00:55 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief  <adult>

Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer'

PHOENIX—Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing
all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery trial, are having trouble finding
unbiased jurors for his upcoming murder trial.  "It is difficult to find a jury that won't
be at least somewhat prejudiced against Thomas," lead defense attorney Patricia Wynne said
Monday, "especially given the hot-button issue of jury murder at hand here."  Skrepnak's
last six court appearances all ended in mistrial.

Son Surprised Dad Knows Johnny Cash Song

IOWA CITY, IA—Shawn Sullivan, 22, was stunned to learn Monday that his father is familiar
with the Johnny Cash song "I Walk The Line."  "Where the hell did Dad learn that?" asked
Sullivan, whose father recognized the song playing over speakers while dining out with the
family.  "That's, like, something me and my friends listen to."  Sullivan conjectured
that, while borrowing his father's car recently, he must have inadvertently left the radio
tuned to KRUI 89.7, the local college radio station.

Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life

RIVERSIDE, CA—Hoping to trick visitors into thinking he leads a well-rounded life filled
with diverse interests, local resident Andrew Higgins has outfitted his apartment with
such accoutrements as a framed La Dolce Vita poster, an acoustic guitar, and a magazine
rack filled with back issues of The New Yorker.  "I'm clearly into some pretty cool
stuff," said Higgins, 26, who devotes 95 percent of his evenings to playing his Nintendo
GameCube or patronizing a local topless bar.  "This apartment is indistinguishable from
that of a true Renaissance man."

Senators Wish Domenici Would Bring Dog To Work More Often

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the U.S. Senate wish that Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) would bring
his sheepdog Luke to work more often, Beltway sources reported Monday.  "It's always so
fun when we're debating a piece of legislation, and Luke comes charging in and runs all
around the senate floor saying hi to everybody," Sen. Jon Corzine (D-NJ) said.  "A couple
weeks ago, I was right in the middle of a speech when he bowled me over and started
licking my face."  Virtually every senator has encouraged Domenici to bring in Luke, with
the notable exception of Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), who is "so allergic to that thing,
it's not even funny."

Director of High-School Play Buys Director's Chair Out Of Own Pocket

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Bill Enqvist, Wilkes-Barre East High School drama teacher and director of
the school's upcoming production of West Side Story, purchased a wood-and-canvas
director's chair from Wal-Mart with his own money Tuesday.  "I was kind of hoping the
school would spring for one for me, but I guess they didn't see it as essential," Enqvist
said.  "That's okay: After the play, I can spruce up my deck with it."  Enqvist added that
for the next theatrical season, he may splurge on personalized iron-on letters for the
chair's back.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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