Digest for Monday, September 16, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 555 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Bad Memorial Ideas
  2. A Letterman Top Ten list
  3. Blind Date
  4. Florida Elections... They Did It Again!!!
  5. Head Hog
  6. Great Truths.....
  7. Earache
  8. September 16th ~ Mayflower Day
  9. Career goal
  10. Remarks by the President


Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 02:02:43 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Bad Memorial Ideas

  Chris Farley Vomit Reflecting Pool

  Titanic Memorial Ice Sculpture of Miami

  The Eternal Flame Paul Lynde National Memorial

  The Eternal Flaming Arab at Ground Zero

  World War II "Ubermonument"

  The NYPD Victims Plunger Memorial

  Franklin Mint Donner Party Commemorative Dinner Plates

  The Elian Gonzalez Raid Bodaga and Museum

  Limited-edition Khalid Muhammad B'nai B'rith Coins Issued by the Vatican

  A Tribute to The Squeaky Fromme Shooting

  The Danbury Mint's collectable "Last Miles of a Princess" car featuring removable Dodi
Fayed and Diana

  "USS Arizona" Sushi Bar
 Daily Wonk Lists 2002

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 05:16:29 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Letterman Top Ten list

Top Ten Good Things About Being Named "Pepe"

10. Gift shops rarely run out of "Pepe" mini-license plates

9. When typing your name, only have to press 2 keys

8. Calling your father "Pappy" yields hilarious family misunderstandings

7. Who could bring themselves to say, "Pepe, you're fired"?

6. Meet a guy named "Roni" and you can open a pizzeria

5. Discount from Baskin Robbins when your cake reads "Happy Birthday,

4. Know what the original title for "Rocky" was? "Pepe"

3. Learning the secret Pepe handshake

2. Scratch off letters and it looks like you're drinking can of Dr. Pepe

1. To pursue a music career, can change name to "Pepe Daddy"

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 05:41:40 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Blind Date

An 85 year old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year old man.  When
she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed
upset.  "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.  "I had to slap his
face three times!"  "You mean he got fresh?"  "No," she answered. "I
thought he was dead!!!"

-=} Randall {=-  SHORTEST BOOK: Blind Dates That Worked Out

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 08:05:03 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Florida Elections... They Did It Again!!!

"It just isn't working out. We're going to have to let
 you go. Puerto Rico has already agreed to take your place."

(paraphrased from Jon Stewart on The Daily Show)


"Janet Reno lost the democratic primary. When asked about it,
 Reno said, 'I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts.'"
            - Conan O'Brien


Humorists On High Alert After Recent Florida Election

Comedians, cartoonists and Internet satirical sites have been
issued the highest alert possible by the Florida Elections
Commission following the state's primary vote Tuesday.

The news comes just as dozens of humorists had thought they could
take the week off due to the solemnity marking the first anniversary
of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks.

"Dang, I was hoping to go fishing this week," said Calvin Barry,
Boise, Idaho's very own 'man of a million laughs.' "But leave it to
Florida and its confused voters, malfunctioning voting machines,
conspiracy theories, candidates threatening lawsuits, public outrage..."

Many old jokes, parodies and witticisms from the 2000 presidential
election will now be forced to come out of retirement in the aftermath
of this most recent debacle.

             (c) Chortler.com


"What is it with Democrats having a hard time voting - I don't know."
           - Gov. Jeb Bush

( of course, that was before he found out that the
  NEW optical scanning equipment in one county was
  only reading Republican ballots... convenient!!! )


Florida Elections Commission


"Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will
 be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we can't
 even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders."
               - Jay Leno


Hey, why not just cut Florida loose? Outside of a few friends and
Carl Hiassen, I don't see much value in the state. What with Jeb,
the looney Cubans, and the Devil Rays, I think it only exists to
make Alabama and Mississippi feel so much better about themselves.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 08:52:27 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Head Hog

The phone in a college dean's office rang, and his secretary
answered, "Hello, Acme University."

"Howdy," replied a man with a heavy Texas accent, "Could Ah
please speak to the Head Hog at the Trough?"

After a long pause, the secretary said coldly, "Excuse me?"

"Ah want the Head Hog at the Trough," said the Texan.

"Listen, Redneck," snapped the angry secretary, "The dean of our
fine school is referred to as 'Dean Brown' or 'Doctor Brown'. We
do NOT refer to him as the 'Head Hog at the Trough'! DO YOU

After an even longer pause, the Texan replied quietly, "Yeah,
Ma'am. Ah understand. Guess Ah heard wrong about your school bein'
nice and neighborly. Looks like Ah'll jest have to donate muh
poor ol' pappy's hundred million bucks to another place."

"Wait, wait!" shouted the secretary. "Here comes the Big Pig now!!"


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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 08:55:08 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Great Truths.....

1)  "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in
     his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
                                                     --Author Unknown

2)  Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
    headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
    and "Keep away from children" -Author Unknown

3)  "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
     for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
                                                           --Drew Carey

4)  "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
     like and just give her a house," --Lewis Grizzard

5)  "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
     job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
     the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
                                                    --Jeff Foxworthy

6)  "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only
     enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

7)  "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
     infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
     considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

8)  "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
                                                       --Marilyn Pittman

9)  "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job and we should
     treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
     you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
     severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you
     a temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
     in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't
     trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
     skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
    "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through
     my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
     learner." --Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New
     York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
     isn't cold enough.  Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
     would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
                                                      --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
     that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
     you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
     tallest. What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn
     slower?" -Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
                                                           --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress,
     but I repeat myself." -Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
     they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce......from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
     genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
     only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
                                                      --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
     look that says, 'My God, you're right!  I never would've thought of
     that!'" --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
    taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

26) Dogs come when called. Cats take a message.

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 09:11:38 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Earache

Recently garnered from a reliable web source.


   A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined
right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for
eardrops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every
four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
   Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby,
complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind
was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
  The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the
pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
 "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 07:12:37 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 16th ~ Mayflower Day

The Mayflower, which carried the first English colonists to the New World,
set sail from Plymouth, England in 1620. It carried 102 passengers. Also
known as "Set Sail Day."

~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Six hours after you go to sleep, have your spouse whip open the curtain,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack."

~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and
move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure
you shut off the water while soaping up.

~ Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and
rock as hard as you can until you're nauseated.

~ Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".

~ Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your
family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

~ Leave the lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper
noise level.

~ Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

~ Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him
when he curses you.

~ Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the
other side of your bathtub.

~ Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold

~ Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food
cabinets or refrigerator.

~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it
goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out
into your yard and break out the garden hose.

~ Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them
back together.

~ Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours
before drinking.

~ Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a
couple of months.

~ Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and
lie under it to read books.

~ Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors
so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill
every time you pass through one of them.

~ Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

~ When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then
spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

~ Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man
overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the
pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your spouse
for not having the place "stowed for sea".

~ Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand
in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and
ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in
particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 19:13:22 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Career goal

  Tonya Harding revealed that she plans to join the Winston Cup racing
circuit as a driver.  The former skater made the announcement as she
checked into the Clark County Jail in Vancouver, Washington on Aug. 20
to serve 10 days for DUI while on probation.

+Source: Sports Illustrated, The Blotter, September 2, 2002

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Date:    Mon, 16 Sep 2002 23:45:54 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Remarks by the President

        The President's Iraq Ultimatum, As Delivered
        To The United Nations General Assembly

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
September 14, 2002  - 10:47 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Secretary General, Mr. President, deluded foreigners, and assembled
terrorists: We meet just over one year after a vicious, heartless attack instilled fear in
my countrymen, and helium in my approval ratings.  On September 11th, we cheapened the
memories of those murdered that terrible morning in a media circus of emotional
pornography.  And today, we turn to the unrelatedly urgent duty of avenging my father's
humiliating failure to topple Saddam Hussein from power.

The United Nations was born out of the ashes of a great and horrible world war.  Its
founding members had grand dreams for a dreary modernist headquarters on the banks of the
mighty Hudson River, where self-important bureaucrats from around the world would
congregate in a steamy orgy of sycophancy and parking ticket evasion.  And they succeeded.
Today, looking out over this sea of openly contemptuous salt-and-pepper faces, most of
which can't even speak English, I feel not unlike an elementary school principal about to
be forcibly neutered by a small army of bloodthirsty PTA mothers.

As fellow citizens of the same planet whose climate is not suffering from the liberal myth
of the "greenhouse effect," we know today that our common access to oil is increasingly
challenged by regional conflicts -- ethnic and religious strife that is ancient, and
frankly getting a little old.  In the Middle East, true peace will remain difficult to
obtain while so many millions continue to practice the wrong brands of monotheism.
America stands committed to independent states for both the Palestiniacs and Israeloids,
with sovereign governments actively promoting faith-based initiatives which will bring the
joy and love of Jesus Christ into the hearts of all.  In the meantime, my nation will
continue to provide the rational and level-headed Ariel Sharon with billions of dollars
worth of cutting-edge implements of death.

But above all, our common access to Arabiac oil is challenged today by outlaw groups and
regimes that have no respect for the sacred nature of American petrochemical distribution
contracts and drilling rights agreements.  They embrace a sickening philosophy which, in
correctly calling for the global eradication of separation of religion and state, errs in
acknowledging the existence of the wrong invisible man who lives in the sky - namely, the
moon god Allah.  These Muslamics, if left unchecked, will continue to work tirelessly to
bring about a world in which white Christian females are forced into sexual slavery, and
the Miss Universe Pageant no longer includes the "Thong Speech" competition.  Of course,
our greatest fear is that terrorists will find a shortcut to their mad ambitions when a
mustachioed, camel-porking tin pot dictator supplies them with the technologies to mount
the kind of attacks which can and will inflict grievous political harm on yours truly.

In one place -- in one regime -- we find all these dangers, in their most lethal and
aggressive forms, exactly the kind of threat the United Nations was born to pontificate
and posture about.  That place is Iraq.

Twelve years ago, Iraq invaded Kuwait without provocation.  And the regime's forces were
poised to continue their march to seize other American puppet monarchies and their oil
fields.  Had Saddam Hussein been appeased instead of stopped, he would have endangered the
peace and stability of the world's oil supply.  Yet this aggression was stopped -- by my
daddy and my daddy alone.  And Saddam would have been properly assassinated during my
father's otherwise totally successful crusade, had not Colin Powell totally chickened out
and high-tailed it back to America for eight cushy years on the high-priced speaking

And so when it was all over, Saddam Hussein maintained his grip on power, and all the
world pointed their stubby fingers at my daddy and snickered "sissy." Then, to add insult
to injury, the American people themselves engaged in mass sedition - refusing to be
sensible enough to look past their deepening debt, poverty and joblessness to appreciate
the fact that their SUV fuel tanks were brimming with 94 cent 87 octane.  Just over one
year later, they voted George Herbert Walker Bush out of office, replacing him with a
detestably inspiring intellectual named Bill Clinton.  You may have heard of his penis.
If not, please join me in the antechamber after this speech for a four hour crash
Powerpoint seminar on the subject - complete with speculative CGI renderings of the
behemoth member.

Last year, the U.N. Commission on Socialite Affairs found that above and beyond having
attempted to kill my daddy, Saddam Hussein continues to commit extremely grave violations
of respectitude for him.  Citizens of Baghdad have been instructed to use the words
"George Bush" as a euphemism for camel excrement, and digitally altered copies of "JUGS"
magazine are widely circulated in which my father's noble mug is superimposed over the
grimacing faces of the spread-eagle stars of "Chubby Chasers IX: Dairy Queen Debutantes."

And so today, I have come here to New York City - a vast urban cesspool of art, ideas, and
pinko liberalism that voted overwhelmingly against me in 2000 (and will doubtless do so
again in 2004), to tell you all that the time has come to bring about regime change in
Iraq.  The United States is already nearly finished with plans for 2002's second
large-scale, unilateral invasion of a squalid, sun-baked Middle Eastern sand pit.  Now it
would be nice if some of you would support me on this one.  Fortunately, I can back up my
100% personal motivations for invading Iraq by providing a laundry list of the many UN
resolutions (please refer to your handouts) that Saddam has thwarted with impunity.  Like
it or not, that list lends an air of legitimacy to my blood lust - never mind that my
administration expressed zero interest in President Hussein until such time as it became
clear that Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar had escaped free and clear, and scandals
surrounding Harken and Halliburton conspired to bring my approval ratings south of 65%.

Going forward, events can turn in one of two ways: the United Nations can retain a
semblance of legitimacy by not asking questions and getting in line behind me.  Or it can
stand by, while by heritage and by choice, the United States of America goes and kicks
some serious towel-head ass.  And, delegates to the United Nations, you have the power to
appear to support us.  I shall close by noting that those of you who do so will continue
to enjoy the privilege of purchasing Grade-A American weaponry at a steep discount -
weaponry with which you may one day turn around and attack us.

Thank you very much. (Applause.)
_      _      _      _      _      _      _      _      _      _
2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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