Digest for Friday, September 13, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Crack Whores Remember 9/11
  2. Hair cutting competition
  3. Hollywood Squares....
  4. Q & A
  5. September 13th ~ Defy Superstition Day
  6. Where Are You From?
  7. Medical Problem
  8. Sex and Violence contaminate the pages of The Chronicle of Higher Ed!
  9. Show and tell
  10. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 02:02:08 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Crack Whores Remember 9/11

   In an exclusive interview acquired by the editors of Bobfromaccounting.com, two
   Lower Manhattan prostitutes decided to break their self-imposed silence and talk
   a bit about terrorism and how the experience of 9/11 changed them during an hour
   long conversation in the restroom of the Rector Street subway station.  In an effort
   to protect the women's identities, we've used fake names during the interview.

BFA:  I'd like to first thank you sharing your experience for our readers.  Well, it's
been a whole year since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and we'd like to get your thoughts
on how it affected you personally.

WHORE #1:  Are you a cop?

BFA:  No, I'm not a cop.  I'm a journalist.  I wanted to get your thoughts--

WHORE #1:  You look like a cop.  Are you a cop?

BFA:  No, you don't understand -- I'm trying to talk to New Yorkers who lived through that
horrible ordeal.

WHORE #1:  I told you I'm from New Jersey!  What do you want from me?  Please leave me
alone!  I'm so tired.  So tired.

BFA:  No, please, we just have a few questions about your experiences on that day.  Did
you lose any friends or family in the attacks?

WHORE #1:  What can I get for you baby -- what do ya want?  You want anything?  A little
tug tug maybe?  Give mama some sugar.


BFA:  Could you please just tell us where you were on September 11th when those planes
first hit the buildings?

WHORE #1:  I dunno.  I sort of remember waking up in some shrubs nearby and seeing a lot
of smoke and things began falling to the ground.  Lots of things.  And my ass hurt a lot.
Like I'm talking A LOT.  Like fire.  I'm not sure what happened but it really hurt bad.
Seriously and I'm very particular about what I put in back there so that was unusual right
from the get-go.  So, do you like me?

BFA:  What about your friend here.  Could you tell us your experience?

WHORE #2:  Are you a cop?  I ain't talking to no cop.  Hey, are you going to eat that?

BFA:  That's my pencil -- no, actually I'm not a cop.  I wanted to talk about how life has
changed for you since September 11.

WHORE #2:  Hey, I used to go out with Geraldo.  I was his bitch for 3 days.  I bet you
didn't know that, but don't put that in the interview because I want to be discreet.  He
said I looked just like Julia Roberts without teeth.

BFA:  I see.  I'll make sure that stays off the record.

WHORE #2:  I likes the way you talk college boy.  Say something again -- only this time,
lemme see your penis.


BFA:  Can we just stick to the interview.  Were you scared by the attacks?  How did you
feel on that day?

WHORE #2:  Of course I was scared.  I could easily have been in that building.  If I
hadn't been raped by my stepfather and forced to abandon my dream of finishing school and
taking the stock broker exams, I could have been in there on that day.  (Begins sobbing
uncontrollably) Please hold me.  Just hold me.  I'm so tired.  So tired.


BFA:  Is that better?

WHORE #2:  Ouch!  Watch the ass.  It really burns!

Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 05:10:52 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Hair cutting competition

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street
from the old established hair cutters' place.  They put up a big
bold sign which read:


Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:


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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 07:22:53 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hollywood Squares....

These great questions and answers are from the days when game show
responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are
now. (Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.)

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false - a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
   he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and ask
   him if he's  married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A:  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get it."?
A: George Gobel:  I don't know but it's come from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
   while you are talking?
A: Rose  Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter and I'll
   give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A:  Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
   any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not; I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
   One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will
   a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
   habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo!  Poo! Poo!"
   What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcée.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
   what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James  Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now
   he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
   has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 07:25:01 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Q & A  <adult>

Q: Why do women make the best soccer goalkeepers?
A: Because no matter what they do or how hard they try,
   guys can never get their balls in.


Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey?
A: A pussy gobbler.


Q: How do you know your mechanic has just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.


Q: What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A: A volcano never fakes an eruption.


Q: How do Scotsmen find sheep in tall grass?
A: Very satisfying...


Q: What's the difference between a woman that's had a child
   and a woman who hasn't?
A: One has a tiny tot, the other has a tiny twat.


Q: Why don't blondes buy douche bags?
A: They can't find shoes to match.


Q: How do you know that you've had a good blowjob?
A: When you have to burp her to get your balls back.

Some days I'm a bug, some days I'm the windshield.

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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 07:36:24 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 13th ~ Defy Superstition Day <Offensive to Religiously Inclined>

There are lots of theories surrounding the number "13" - and why people
think it's unlucky. The most popular idea is that there were 13 guests at
the Last Supper of Christ - and the 13th was Judas. But, "13" was considered
unlucky as far back as five thousand years ago. Whatever the real reason,
hotels still skip from the 12th to the 14th floor and never have a room
numbered 13.

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples
to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all
over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion
that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the
drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members
return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is
effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 11:08:55 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Where Are You From?

A blonde man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he
notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the
bar and order a drink.  The blonde guy calls the bartender over
and says "whatever she's drinking, give her another one and tell
her it's on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the blonde guy,  "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good

"And why not?" asks the blonde guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because
she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the blonde guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the blonde guy very casually
strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her
and says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"


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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 15:31:48 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Medical Problem

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry  Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "so what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was wrong."

-=} Randall {=-  Have medical exam for your cat every year or 12,000 meows

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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 14:30:48 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Sex and Violence contaminate the pages of The Chronicle of Higher Ed! <adult situations>

What am I saying!  It's not just sex and violence.  There's also drugs,
cannibalism, and -by golly- if you think human singles bars are bad...

This article from The Chronicle of Higher Education
was forwarded to you by:  jmica@ithaca.edu

  From the issue dated September 13, 2002

  Putting the 'Man' in Praying Mantis

  Females in more than 80 ... species [besides the European
  praying mantis] have been caught eating their lovers before,
  during, or after sex. Spiders are the most common culprits,
  although several other mantises, some scorpions, and certain
  midges also number among the guilty. ...

  How does a male get close enough to copulate while avoiding
  capture? ... The most reliable way to escape unscathed is to
  disable [the female] somehow. That's why male Tetragnatha
  extensa spiders are not afraid of sex: they have spurs on
  their fangs to wedge open the female's jaws so she can't bite
  during their embrace. The male crab spider Xysticus cristatus
  is a great lover: he goes for bondage, tying the female down
  (lucky her!) before making love. And in Argyrodes zonatus, a
  tiny silver spider that dwells on the webs of much bigger
  spiders, the males are nature's frat boys. On their heads they
  have a horn that secretes a powerful drug. They offer the horn
  to the female to suck so she'll get high and won't be able to
  resist their advances. Better hope she doesn't wake up with
  the munchies ...

  As for Mr. Praying Mantis, he's had a stroke of bad luck. When
  he's possessed of his head, his brain sends messages to his
  private parts telling him how to behave. This holds his libido
  in check until he's in position. When he loses his head, the
  messages that inhibit sexual behavior cease -- and he turns
  into a sex fiend. The result is that he can copulate when
  there's almost nothing of him left.

  Yet although this sounds like proof that he has evolved a
  spectacular adaptation to being eaten, the "lose head, have
  sex" reflex is actually rather common among male insects.
  Something analogous even happens in humans: throttle a man and
  like as not he'll get an erection, not from erotic pleasure in
  dying but because "Down, boy" signals from the brain stop
  coming. For most fellows, such a reflex is simply a medical
  curiosity. But most fellows don't have to face Ms. Mantis in
  the bedroom.

  -- Olivia Judson, research fellow at Imperial College of
  Science, Technology, and Medicine (London) in Dr. Tatiana's
  Sex Advice to All Creation, published by Metropolitan Books

Copyright 2002 by The Chronicle of Higher Education

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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 18:47:16 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Show and tell

All teachers have probably experienced a child with great story telling
abilities. Check this one!

Show and Tell Birth Stories by Irene Zutell (a grade school teacher)

  Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug
it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
  Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
  "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing
there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and
wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in
  "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the
house for,like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this
hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called
the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on
the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed
like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
 "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
like psshhheew!" The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands
is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
  "Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe.
They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said
was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside
  Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
  Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just
in case another Erica comes along.

+Source: Randy's Random, Sept. 12, 2002+

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Date:    Fri, 13 Sep 2002 23:52:06 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief  <adult>

Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from
Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced mixed feelings about the bargain
$39 Southwest Airlines flight.  "What sort of corners would they have to cut to make a
profit on that low a fare?" Walden wondered aloud after completing the Expedia.com
purchase.  "Would $39 from every passenger even cover the fuel?"  For safety's sake,
Walden resolved to buy the second-cheapest ticket available from now on.

Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate softball team suffered its fourth straight defeat Tuesday,
losing 11-4 to the Anchor Inn.  "We were actually ahead in the second after [Sen.] Judd
[Gregg (R-NH)] hit a two-run double," team captain Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) said.  "But
then, Anchor Inn scored six in the bottom of the inning, and the rout was on."  For next
week's game against Pitchers Pub, Ensign said he plans to move error-prone shortstop
Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) to right field.

Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus

BALTIMORE—His car in the shop, Balloon-O-Gram deliveryman Burt Girardi, 37, was forced to
use public transit Tuesday.  "Well, that was pleasant," Girardi said.  "You haven't lived
until you've sat on a jam-packed crosstown bus for 40 minutes holding an 18-balloon
Birthday Bouquet while dressed in full Zorro regalia."  Girardi added that teenagers today
think they are so goddamn funny.

Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager

DETROIT—Improbably, Taco Bell employee Wayne Lorimer, 28, was dressed down by manager Cal
Dyer Tuesday.  "I thought I was already cut down to size just by working here," said
Lorimer, a former Ford auto worker laid off earlier this year.  "But Cal's lecture about
paying more attention to the proper way to apply sour cream if I want to remain a valued
member of the Taco Bell family, that managed to lower me even more."  Lorimer said he
thinks Dyer might be right out of high school.

Something Weird About Local Anchorman's Eyes

JOPLIN, MO—According to KODE-TV News At Five viewer JoBeth Anson, there's something weird
about anchorman Mort Bonds' eyes.  "I can't quite put my finger on it," Anson said.  "It's
like the eyes are looking in slightly different directions, like one is glass.  Or maybe
it's that one's a little higher than the other.  Whatever it is, something's off."  Anson
expressed confidence that she will figure it out soon.

Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man

WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court cock-blocked Des Moines, IA, bar
patron Jon Carmody Friday, severely curtailing his power to score with fellow bar-goer
Megan Navarre.  "Carmody's right to put the moves on Navarre does not and cannot be
construed to supersede this court's right to hit on her, too," Justice Antonin Scalia
wrote in the majority opinion.  "That Carmody scored last weekend with that blonde girl at
P.J.'s serves to illustrate that he's had enough for now.  We will preclude the shit out
of that tool getting any from Navarre."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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