Digest for Thursday, September 12, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 504 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Investment Advice For Rough Times < adult language >
  2. The failing grade
  3. Various Smiles....
  4. Operation TIPS
  5. What Sound?
  6. September 12th ~ National Policewoman Day
  7. Happy Birthday H.L.!
  8. Bladder break
  9. Interview by the President
  10. North vs. South


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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 02:02:41 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Investment Advice For Rough Times  < adult language >

by Walter Hemrest, Senior Stock Analyst

Market got you down?  Don't worry!  Tell your stock broker these helpful tips and sing
your woes away!

  Tell your broker to wait until it looks like stocks have stopped going down.  Then he
should buy some stocks.

  Tell your broker not buy stocks that have no value.  Instead, buy whatever he thinks
will go up.

  Tell your broker to sell your stocks once they stop going up and start going down.

  Tell your broker not to buy the stocks of companies who falsify accounting records.
If there are no such companies, only buy those that falsify their accounting records less
than other companies.

  Tell your broker not to buy stocks in unethical companies, like Microsoft or Phillip
Morris.  Ha ha!  Just kidding.  At least try to keep away from companies with unethical
accounting, and then only if it hurts their bottom line in the long run.

  Tell your broker to avoid dot coms at all cost.

  Tell your broker to avoid even dot coms that are profitable, because they are probably
lying.

  That's right sell Amazon, sell!  There's no way in Hell that company really broke a
profit.

  My God, I still have hotjobs.com stock?  And Amazon!?  I still have Amazon?  Sell it,
for shit's sack!

  I'm ruined, I'm fucking ruined.  Thank you Jess Bezos.  I'm going to come over to your
house and fuck you in the ass, right after I jump off this building ledge.

That's right!  It's as easy as a few helpful tips.  Good luck bargain hunting!
__
Copyright  2001, 2002 The Daily Sedative

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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 05:11:13 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The failing grade

The big red "F" stared back at him.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked,
"Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.
Little Johnny replied,

"No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 06:50:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Various Smiles....

Hair Remover...................."

A woman found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both
ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the woman if she wanted to keep this from recurring she
should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in the
dog's ears once a month. So, the lady goes to the drug store and gets some
Nair.

At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm
not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on
your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not
using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my
schnauzer." The druggist says, "Well then, stay off your bicycle for a
week."

======================================================================

CURSING IN SHUL.....

A man went to Synagogue one shabbat and afterward he stopped to shake the
rabbi's hand. He said, "Rabbi, I'll tell you, that was a G-d-damned fine
sermon." The rabbi said,  "Thank you  sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
that kind of language in the Lord's House." The man said, "I was so
G-d-damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the
tzadukah box!" The rabbi said, "No Shit?"

=========================================================================

A mother's seven-year-old son asked her why I didn't have a boyfriend. She
was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. She told him
the TV was her boyfriend since he entertained her all of the time. The TV
set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. She'd give it a
few hard whacks on the side and it would come back on. The pastor stopped
by to check on her recovery and her son answered the door. At that time
she was trying to get the TV to come back on. The pastor asked her son if
she was busy. Her little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom
banging her boyfriend."
=========================================================================

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a
billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's
girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a
six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?"
"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 07:51:20 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Operation TIPS

TIPS [Terrorism Information and Prevention System] is such
a bland, milquetoast-type of acronym.

Why don't those clowns in Washington call their program
"Snoop, Tattle, Accuse, Suspect and Inform"...?

This would give us an acronym with a long history of honorable
service that has fallen into disuse of late:  STASI.

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

ATTENTION.. .. ATTENTION.. ..

  Please report to the John Ashcroft Memorial
  USA/PATRIOT Re-Education Center, Mr. Curious Boy...

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

If we hadn't had to keep an eye on #42's crotch so closely,
we would never have gotten into this nosey habit of minding
our neighbor's business with suspicion.


**********************
I'm thinkin' of puttin' a sign above the mail slot
in my front door that reads:       NO PEEKIN' !!!!



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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 09:20:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: What Sound?

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids
knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put
their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindie put her hand up and said "Moooo!"

"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa." answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does
a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the
response.  She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He
stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall
mutha-f**ka!!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 07:22:26 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 12th ~ National Policewoman Day

In 1910, the Los Angeles Police Department hired the world's first female
police officer, Alice Stebbins Wells, a former social worker. Also, a day
later in 1974, the TV show "Police Woman," starring Angie Dickinson,
premiered on NBC.

LORRAINE
There was this cop and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work at the station and discovered that a woman rookie
officer had joined the Her name was Officer Clearly and she was absolutely
gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became
obvious that she was interested in him too. But this cop was a loyal man and
he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with
Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing else he could do but to break up with
Lorraine and get it on with the new rookie. He planned several times to tell
Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a
walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.
The current was strong and it carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then left smiling and singing
... "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

YOU ARE UNDER ARREST AND ....
1. No ... I don't care who you are.
2. No ... I don't care who you know.
3. Yes ... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes ... you CAN have my job.
5. No ... I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes ... I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No ... I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any
ethnic group/race).
8. No ... I can't give you a break.
9. No ... I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes ... you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes ... I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No ... we can't talk about it.
13. Yes ... it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes ... you WILL see me in court.

Thank you ... have a nice day too.
Your Arresting Officer __________

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 14:04:07 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Happy Birthday H.L.!

A mini-chrestomathy

H. L. Mencken, born September 12, 1880, coined the term "booboisie" for the
self-satisfied but largely ignorant middle class.  He also found fault with many
other aspects of life in these United States.  Mencken died in 1956 -at the
height of the 50s "Red Scare."
Some quotes in honor of his birth anniversary.  Note the last one in
particular.  I'm sure H.L.(were he still alive) would be able to continue his
list of "monsters" right on into the 21st Century.
==========
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve
to get it    good and hard.
&&&&&&&&&
Democracy is... government by orgy, almost by orgasm. Its processes are most
beautifully     displayed at times when they stand most naked-- for example, in
war days.
+++++++++++
If x is the population of the United States, and y is the degree of imbecility
in the average American, then democracy is the theory that x X y is less than y
#################
Democracy and free speech are not facets of one gem; democracy and free speech
are eternal enemies.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The whole history of the country has been a history of melodramatic pursuits of
horrendous monsters, most of them imaginary: the red-coats, the Hessians, the
monocrats, again the red-coats, the Bank, the Catholic, Simon Legree, the slave
power, Jeff Davis, Mormonism, Wall Street, the rum demon, John Bull, the hell
hounds of plutocracy, the trusts, ... Pancho Villa, German spies, hypenates, the
Kaiser, Bolshevism.  The list might be lengthened indefinately: a complete
chronicle of the republic could be written in terms of it, without omitting a
single important episode.

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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 18:22:53 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Bladder break

Employees at the Jim Beam bourbon distillery are getting sour over restrictions
on bathroom breaks.  Workers on the bottling line are fuming about being limited
to four breaks per 8 1/2 hour shift, only one of which can be unscheduled. Extra
trips to the bathroom can result in reprimands. Workers with six violations can
be fired.
  The United Food and Commercial Workers local said some of the 100 affected employees have urinated on themselves because they were afraid to leave the line. Some wear protective undergarments and others have feigned illnesses to go home and avoid getting violations, said Jo Anne Kelley, president of the union local.
  "It's a shame when you feel you have the need to go to the bathroom, but you ask yourself, `Do I soil myself or do I protect my job?"' Kelley said.
  The state has slapped the distiller with a citation. Jim Beam appealed; a
hearing officer on Wednesday is expected to recommend to a review commission whether to sustain or overrule the citation. The commission's decision can be
appealed in court.
  Jim Beam Brands, headquartered in Deerfield, Ill., said its policy strikes a balance between employees' physical needs and the company's productivity needs. The company, which consulted a urologist before imposing the limits, said the time
between breaks will generally be about two hours and never more than three.
  "Our policy is fair and reasonable and it does respect the real needs that our employees have," said Jack Allen, human resources director at the Clermont plant, nestled between lush Kentucky hills about 25 miles south of Louisville.
  The policy, which took effect in October, was instituted only at the Clermont plant because some workers abused the privilege of unlimited bathroom breaks, the company said.  Workers can be exempted with a doctor's note. So far, 29 have
gotten waivers for medical necessity and can go as often as needed, Allen said.
  Margaret Boone, who has worked at the distillery for 34 years, has one violation
on her record.  "I've held it and it's miserable," said Boone, who has since obtained
a medical waiver. "You can only concentrate on looking at the clock and wondering when break time is going to be."

+ Source: Associated Press, Bruce Schreiner, Aug. 27, 2002+



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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 23:00:03 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Interview by the President

Complete Transcript Of President Bush's Candid, No Holds-Barred Interview With "60 Minutes
II"

For Immediate Release:  Office of the Press Secretary
September 12, 2002  - 8:01 A.M. (EST)

President Bush sits down for a candid, no holds-barred interview with CBS News "60 Minutes
II" correspondent Scott Pelley.  In this frank and riveting exchange, Mr. Bush responds
with blunt sincerity, answering each of Mr. Pelley's annoying questions with directness
uncommon to a politician.

Pelley:  Thank you Mr. President for allowing CBS this opportunity to promote and package
you in a manner vetted and approved by your many handlers, sir.

Bush:  I am willing to do anything to get across to the American people that this
administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq, Snotty-Scotty.

Pelley:  I noticed that today, during the many televised events to commemorate the
tremendous incompetence of the CIA and FBI one year ago, you and Mrs. Bush were in full
make-up and on camera most of the day.  Why didn't your lovely daughters join you?
Wouldn't that have promoted an idea of family values and the poignancy of a family
grieving together?

Bush:  Well, yeah, let me tell you, it's easier to ride an epileptic bronco than get Jenna
and Babs to do something when they're coming down off a bender, Scotty-boy.

Pelley:  Let's turn to the morning of September 11, 2001.  You were at Emma E. Booker
Elementary School reading to children.  After you were told that a second plane had
slammed into the World Trade Center towers, as the leader of the American people, what was
the first thing that went through your mind?

Bush:  That that story I was reading about that little goat fellow was sure as shootin'
better than any other book I've ever read!  I thought I was just going to waste the
morning on a stupid photo-op, but, man-o-man, I was really into the story, Scotto.

Pelley:  Instead of immediately calling a meeting with advisors and the FAA, you read a
story about a goat to schoolchildren for 20 minutes.  During these 20 minutes, couldn't
you have been doing something about the planes headed to Washington?

Bush:  You're not listening to me, son.  This was a really surprising little goat.  I was
really into the story.  Fortunately, I had plenty of time to finish it while I was
high-tailing it around the country until I decided - by myself and with patriotic
courage - to finally go back to Washington.

Pelley:  But isn't it true that your father called Air Force One and said, "Don't put me
through.  Just tell George to get his butt back to Washington"?

Bush:  Ah, this administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  Didn't you initially promise America that you were going to "git" Osama Bin Laden
to avenge September 11?

Bush:  This administration has always been committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  And hasn't the American military and intelligence community, given a year to do
that, failed miserably in this stated goal?

Bush:  This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  So, instead of admitting defeat or incompetence, you have simply chosen a target
you can actually find without any regard for culpability?

Bush:  This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  And isn't this simply a very cynical ploy to get the American public's mind off
of the economy, which this administration has also bungled terribly?

Bush:  This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  And isn't this sudden interest in invading Iraq just a bloody distraction from
stock market swindles that have undermined the stock market and from which both you and
Mr. Cheney have made millions?

Bush:  This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  And isn't your stated willingness to consult with Congress and allies really just
a charade, since it is clear that the Administration doesn't care what anyone else
thinks - and, indeed, won't actually listen to anyone else - but is simply waiting for
opinion polls to change to make it safe to invade Iraq so that this Administration can
pretend it accomplished anything in response to the attacks of September 11?

Bush:  This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  Many of your father's advisors are claiming that an attack on Iraq is not
warranted.  What is it that they don't understand, but you do?

Bush:  This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.

Pelley:  Isn't this proposed attack on Iraq more about avenging your father's mistake in
listening to Colin Powell and not moving on to Baghdad when he had the chance?

Bush:  Well, you better believe nobody is listening to that high-yellow, yellow-bellied
coward around here anymore, Potty-Scotty.  Hee-hee.

Pelley:  What if an invasion of Iraq does nothing to lessen terror, but throws the Middle
East into a bloody world war?

Bush:  This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___
2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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Date:    Thu, 12 Sep 2002 20:23:22 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: North vs. South

A Southerner is having his breakfast of coffee, grits,
biscuits and jam, when a Northerner, chewing
obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him.  The
Southerner ignores the Northerner who, never-the-less,
starts a conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole
slice?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (After blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.
Up North, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle it, then transform
them into biscuits and send them to the South."

The Northerner has a smirk on his face.

The Southerner listens in silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (Cracking and smacking his gum between his
teeth and chuckling) "We don't. Up North, after we eat
fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam, and then send it down South."

Then the Southerner asks, "Y'all have sex up North?"

Northerner: "Why, of course, we do." And he pops another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."

Southerner: "We don't. Down South, we put 'em in a jar, melt 'em  down into
bubble gum, and sell 'em to Yankees."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Yankee found in family tree- will trade for black sheep
                 or horse thief

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
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