Digest for Wednesday, September 11, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 681 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Frances Unbathed Citizens Spared from European Floods
  2. A CONSPIRACY.........
  3. September 11th ~ Patriot Day
  4. Parking ticket
  5. Youll feel smart after reading this!
  6. Who Remembers....
  7. Show and tell can be exciting
  8. Job (In)Security
  9. A Reflection on the First Anniversary of 9/11
  10. The Punishment
  11. Military knowledge
  12. Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before theyre canceled ( ABC / UPN )


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 02:02:12 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: France's Unbathed Citizens Spared from European Floods

PARIS — As floods finally subsided throughout much of Western Europe, thousands of
unbathed French citizens expressed relief they were spared from rainwaters that had
ravished parts of Germany, Russia, Austria and the Czech Repubic in recent weeks.

"Viva la France," shouted Jean Didier whose mouth and chest was covered with brie from a
party the night before.  "We are dry, ha ha ha.  Screw you Europe!"

The celebration was felt from the govenment ministry to throughout the capital and in
dozens of Parisian whorehouses.

"French people respect water.  We don't waste water like the Americans do.  When it's time
to bathe, our family shares one pot of water.  And it's not Evian, you bunch of Yankee
suckers!"

The rampant European floods have driven hundreds of thousands from their homes, ruined
harvests and destroyed buildings and roads.  British soldiers based in Germany were called
out in record numbers, while the U.S. Army and Poland donated over 300,000 sandbags to the
cause.

Confused French citizens, not sure what to do in the crisis, got down on their knees and
surrendered to the approaching soldiers.  The government immediately offered to begin
deporting Jews and gypsies but were instructed to dig trenches instead.
___
Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 06:45:31 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A CONSPIRACY.........

I suffer from AAADD.....Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! We Must
Stop This Conspiracy

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems
uphill from where you are?  Stairs are steeper.  Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I
was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they
just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message
until they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the
other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an
old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well,
REALLY NOW .........even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today!  You're risking life and
limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I
can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them
screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they
suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think
no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips,
thighs and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
reverse.  Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that
dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on  but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the
phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in
here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer
these awful indignities.


PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET
THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has
    caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 06:57:49 -0400
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 11th ~ Patriot Day

A federal Patriot Day will be observed on September 11 to remember the
hijacking of civilian aircraft resulting in the death of all those
onboard, the destruction and loss of life at the World Trade Center in
New York City and the damage and loss of life at the Pentagon near
Washington, D.C. Patriot Day is intended to honor all those individuals
who lost their lives as a result of these terrorist attacks. Congress
enacted House Joint Resolution 71 as Public Law 107-89 on December 18,
2001, establishing Patriot Day.

The new law requires the president to issue a proclamation each year
encouraging the observance of the day and displaying the U.S. flag at
half-staff in honor of victims of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11,
2001.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bush Proclaims Sept. 11 Patriot Day
Thu Sep 5, 9:50 AM ET
WASHINGTON (AP) - President Bush issued a formal proclamation
designating Sept. 11 as Patriot Day in honor of those who perished in
the terrorist attacks.

"I call upon the people of the United States to observe this day with
appropriate ceremonies and activities, including remembrance services
and candlelight vigils," the proclamation said. Bush on Wednesday also
asked state governors and government officials nationwide to honor
those who died in the terrorist attacks by flying the flag at
half-staff on Sept. 11. He encouraged all Americans to display the flag
at half-staff from their homes and observe a moment of silence at 8:46
a.m. EDT, when the first of four hijacked planes crashed into the World
Trade Center in New York.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the
heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to
pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to
build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to
dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a
time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast
away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time
to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday is gone, but it's ghost haunts us till the end of all
tomorrows.
David Dunlap, 1967

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 13:43:34 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Parking ticket

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the
corner...

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 07:25:01 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: You'll feel smart after reading this!

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I
would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we  were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live
forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in  the
1994
Miss USA contest.
..........................................................................

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world,I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but  not
with
those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey
..........................................................................

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your
life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson  for
a
federal anti-smoking campaign.
..........................................................................

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
..........................................................................

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
..........................................................................

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are  the
president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
..........................................................................

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and
I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
..........................................................................

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from  them.

There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
.........................................................................

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager,
Danny Ozark
..........................................................................

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities  in
our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
..........................................................................

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
..........................................................................

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
..........................................................................

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy  like

Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports
analyst.
..........................................................................

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
..........................................................................

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
President
 ..........................................................................

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al
Gore, VP
..........................................................................

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel

Enderbery
..........................................................................

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is
a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social  Services,
Greenville
South Carolina
..........................................................................

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go
to bed, and it will monitor their heart through the night, and the  next

morning, if they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S.  Fowler,
FCC
Chairman

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 08:51:00 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Who Remembers....  <adult>

Hey, isn't Osama the one we're supposed to be after?!?
One thing at a time, Georgie... .. ...Remember 9/11!!!
    ------------------------


As a youth, Osama bin Laden
Got caught with a goat he was proddin';
  The mullah said, "Mister!
  You're fuckin' your sister!"
And his father just stood there a-noddin'.
      - by Robert Ensign

    ------------------------

Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden

 - Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia,
   where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything,
   just stompin' all over the place.
 - Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
 - Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
 - Ask whether the cave gets cable, because you haven't seen
   "Sex and the City" for weeks.
 - Take pictures of his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
 - Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures.
   Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
 - Give him a "Hot Chicks Of Palestine" calendar.
 - Refer to him as "Osama-sama-fee-fie-fo-fama bin Laden".
 - Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
 - At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier
   place settings.
 - Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
 - Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined
   your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
 - Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
 - Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
 - Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401(k) plan.
 - Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few
   day lilies would be a nice accent.
 - Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled
   with people of every race, religion, and background, including
   millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
 - Tell him they serve much better falafel at the public executions
   in Sudan.
 - Pull out a fake postcard from Mullah Omar at Disney World reading,
   "This place is awesome, dude!"
 - Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or
   the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
 - Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, someday
   YOU might fit in this glass!"
 - Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
 - Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burqas, and ask
   whether they've ever thought of modeling.
 - Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if
   he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands"
   and blow up his hotels.
 - Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and
   Ivan.
 - When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

    ------------------------

Q: Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his wives anymore?
A: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

    ------------------------

Osama Bin Laden anagram  -   ID: Mean Anal SOB

    ------------------------

Congratulations !!!!!
You have been selected for FREE 3 Days and 2 Nights
stay at Hotel Camp Taliban, The Caves, Afghanistan!

Free Lively Entertainment:
  1. Fire Works and Air Show by U.S. Air Force.
  2. Get Physical! Exciting Games!
     "Hide and Seek", "Smoke Me Out" - hosted by Osama bin Laden.

Once in a Life Time Opportunity!
Once you come here ... we guarantee you will NEVER leave!

For confirmation and reservation of front row seats,
contact President/General Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan.

Warmest regards,
    Osama bin Laden


***********************
Osama bin Laden's ideal weight is about 8 pounds... including the urn.





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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 08:22:40 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Show and tell can be exciting

Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy
birth tableau from one of her students...

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I
always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness
and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some
guaranteed entertainment. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring
in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like
that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and
then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate
for nine months through an umbrella cord." Erica is standing there with her
hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video
camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house
for like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now Erica is doing this hysterical
duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies
down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag
of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and
spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" Erica has her legs spread and
with her
little hands are mimicking water flowing way. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They
start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the
play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica
stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 10:01:38 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Job (In)Security

Job (In)Security


For immediate Release
Press Release Re: Job Security
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers

Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the
end of October 2002. News from the White House indicates that the
Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new
equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems
they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 11:39:28 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Reflection on the First Anniversary of 9/11

Reflection on the 1st anniversary of 9/11                       by Jim Mica

While the actual dust from the attacks upon the World Trade Center and
the Pentagon has settled, the ideological and emotional "dust" is still
in the air  --everywhere.  Are we more aware and united as a nation?
Is it truthful to say, as the Governor of New York state will say today
that "this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom…"?  Who can say!

But there has been one concrete and undeniable result of the 9/11 events
and the response to those events:  nobody is sending around that ridiculous
e-mail petition urging the Taliban not to oppress women!

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 16:54:30 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: The Punishment

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east
country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark,
which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mr. Jones is
dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to
corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end
with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to
foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as
long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Jones has the pillow
bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is

too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she
receives a few blows. Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I! would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back
before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty
lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mr. Jones
himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill
them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for
you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies,
"Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your
second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Cannibal #1:"Gee,I hate my mother-in-law."  #2 "So, try the
potatoes."

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 19:00:07 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Military knowledge

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  After completing medical officers training, I was assigned to a small Army
post in a Boston suburb.  I arrived after dark and was directed to my quarters.
  The next morning a noncommissioned officer escorted me to the
commander's office.  As we exited the barracks, I looked toward
Massachussetts Bay and noticed the back of a large curved device
supported by a labyrinth of steel girders.
  Anxious to impress the NCO with my new knowledge of the Army's air-
defense system, I pointed to the structure and said, "So that's our primary
target acquisition radar?"
  "No, sir," the seargeant replied.  "That's the back of the drive-in movie screen."


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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 23:00:29 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before they're canceled  ( ABC / UPN )

----------- ABC -----------
[ That Was Then ]
   A thirty-something loser gets the chance to travel back in time to the fateful week in
high school that ruined his life, but upon further reflection, chooses to go back even
further in time, to the dawn of man, and exterminate the human race in its infancy.

[ 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter ]
   John Ritter stars as a dad with some tough rules:

   1.  Be under the age of eighteen.
   2.  Failing rule #1, be able to provide proof of employment and/or automobile
ownership.
   3.  Be prepared to watch episodes of "Hooperman" with the whole family.
   4.  I am not to be referred to as "pops," "grandpa" or "Mr. Tripper."
   5.  You are not allowed to complain if my daughter wishes to listen to Avril Lavigne
while in the car.  I put up with it and so should you.
   6.  Please note: my daughter will not be getting married until she is over 18.  Okay,
over 17.  But that's as low as I'll go, pal.
   7.  Just because I refer to her as "the little money vacuum" doesn't that mean you can.
   8.  Use condoms.  Or don't.  I'm past caring at this point.

[ MDs ]
   Is this the new "ER"?  Or is it anti-homo propaganda, as some in the insurance
profession are claiming?  Why are the insurance companies are suddenly so protective of
the—What's that?  Anti-HMO?  Oh, that makes more sense.

[ Less Than Perfect ]
   Our technicians have assured us that the title of this show is absolutely critic-proof.

[ Push, Nevada ]
   Shot in the real-time format pioneered by Fox's "24," this new drama series covers the
22-hour delivery of exotic dancer Nevada Stevenson's first child.

[ Dinotopia ]
   Adults and children alike are sure to be enchanted by this new series, set in a magical
land populated entirely by clones of Dean Martin.  In the pilot, Dinotopia is threatened
by a fierce battle with its former ally, Jerrymany.  The two agree not to speak for
another thirty years.

[ Life With Bonnie ]
   Bonnie Hunt has it all: a family, a great career, looks and a no-nonsense attitude.
The only thing missing in her life is her own show about a woman named Bonnie who also has
it all.  ABC/Disney to the rescue!

[ The Bachelor 2 ]
   Fourteen women are vying for the wallet of a rich and therefore desirable man.  Here
are the front runners, and their competitive edges:
        •  Rebecca M, Cheyenne, WY: Pure of heart
        •  Dana R, Edison, NJ: Mob ties
        •  Shannon F, Iowa City, IA: Ivy League educated
        •  Ailene J, Stepford, VT: Entirely subservient
        •  Anna Nicole S, Los Angeles, CA: Experience with marriage to rich guy
        •  Sarah H, Boston, MA: Huge knockers

----------- UPN -----------
[ The Twilight Zone ]
   Forest Whitaker explores the unexplained, including how much raw tonnage of dirt is
needed to shovel on Rod Serling's grave before he stops turning over.

[ Haunted ]
   Matthew Fox is haunted.  Haunted by vision that he may not be who everyone says he is.
He might secretly be Scott Wolf or one of those other bland white guys.  He goes to bed
each night praying to not become Joseph Lawrence, and awakes with a secret hope to be
Scott Foley, just so he can see the "Alias" girl naked.

[ Half And Half ]
   Half TV show, half commercials.  Although in syndication it'll end up being 13 minutes
of show, 17 minutes of commercials.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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