Digest for Tuesday, September 10, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 630 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Fictional Characters Angered By Writer Stereotypes
  2. The Pastor
  3. Work Humour.....
  4. New Golf Partner
  5. "Would anyone like some Parmesan?" asked The Old Perfesser gratingly.
  6. Definitions In The Mating Game
  7. Some words about Feminine Hygiene Products
  8. Men are like ...
  9. Not Adolf either
  10. September 10th ~ Gunsmoke Birthday
  11. The 9/11 Anniversary < adult language >


Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 02:02:53 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fictional Characters Angered By Writer Stereotypes

SHANGRI-LA -- A group of make-believe characters meeting here at this imaginary resort for
the annual Fairness and Accuracy in Fiction conference are demanding that writers show
them in a less stereotypical and simplistic light.

For too long, the characters claim, audiences have only heard about them from the writer's
standpoint.  Now they say it is time for the public at large to hear directly from them.

"You'd think I'm all about treachery and deceit from the way Dickens wrote about me,"
remarked Uriah Heap, who played the epitome of all things evil in "David Copperfield" and
now works as a telecom analyst for a major American investment bank.

"People would get the impression that I am some sex-crazed guy always out on the prowl.
There's more to me than just sex," said Don Juan.  "Hey, check out that Becky Sharp from
‘Vanity Fair.'"

"I do see silly that I cannot straight sentence speak," said Yoda, the Jedi Master from
Star Wars fame, when asked about his portrayal as a semantically challenged entity from
another world.

Meanwhile, some participants wondered what they were doing at the conference.

"How did I get here?  I'm not a fictional character and these things on my chest are
real," said Anna Nicole Smith.
Copyright © 2002 Chortler.com


•••  Reasons Saddam Hussein Needs Viagra  •••

        ABC News:  "Saddam Hussein's mistress says the dictator uses Viagra,
        veteran reporter Claire Shipman reports."    --September 9, 2002

Reason #1:  His camel just doesn't turn him on anymore, even when he dresses her up in a
French maid outfit.

Reason #2:  Even as a teen, no one ever found a "weapon of mass destruction" in his

Reason #3:  Castro's it-happens-to-all-dictator's speech failed.

Reason #4:  After three decades under his brutal regime, Iraqi chicks have really stopped
taking care of themselves.

Reason #5:  Like Hitler, only has one testicle.

Reason #6:  Spent so much time playing with nuclear material, he's sterile as a mule.

Reason #7:  Hasn't been able to get it up since Bush 41 sent Iraq's million man army
running for home like a bunch of school girls who spotted a mouse.

Reason #8:  Being "interviewed" by Christian Amanpour next week.

Reason #9:  Watched Alan Keyes show on STDs, and it put him off "deploying his Scud" but

Reason #10:  He's had a lot on his mind lately, because man, he saw how this little Bush
shoved "regime change" down that Al Gore's throat.

Reason #11:  Told Tariq Aziz that he's doing "research" for his next novel on an impotent
but misunderstood dictator from western Iraq.

Reason #12:  Damned churchy infidel Ashcroft shut down all his favorite lolita porn sites.

Reason #13:  During the Iran-Iraq War: Saddam hit Iranian troops with nerve gas.  The
Ayatollah hit Iraqi troops with saltpeter.
© Daily Wonk Lists 2002

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 05:15:00 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Pastor

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with
music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into
However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead

He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private

part is covered only by a fig leaf. "  "Nonsense," said the pastor,
"I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs,

and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to

give the pastor a loud round of applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
applaud for ME just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you
a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the fig leaf is lifted on
 the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 06:50:49 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Work Humour.....

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the
middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the
employer, who understood  the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out
staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme
was "Viagra advertising slogans".

Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was  they had to use past
ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra. About 7 minutes later,
they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List." After all
the laughter and  camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9.  Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8.  Viagra, Like a rock!
7.  Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6.  Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5.  Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4.  Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3.  Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2.  Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 12:18:04 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: New Golf Partner

Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth.
Bob mentions that his friend Jim is a pretty good golfer,
so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says Jim, "but I may be about ten
minutes late, so wait for me."

Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at
9:00, and find Jim already waiting for them. He plays
right-handed, and beats them all.

Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like
to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says Jim. "But, I may be about ten
minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time,
but this time Jim plays left-handed, and beats them all.

As they're getting ready to leave, Jim says, "See you next
Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week from then on, Jim is right on time and plays great with
whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs
with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says,
"Wait a minute, Jim. Every week you say you may be about ten
minutes late, but you're right on time and then you beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well," Jim says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I
play left-handed, and if she's on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Then I'll be about ten minutes late."

-=} Randall {=-  A boring marriage: Rip Van Winkle and Sleeping Beauty!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 09:10:46 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "Would anyone like some Parmesan?" asked The Old Perfesser gratingly.

MrsPerfesser was busy working at the Church Bazaar, so the old
perfesser prepared a pasta dish for the dinner party they were
giving that night. In his haste, however, he forgot to
refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all

He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up
another batch; so he called the local Poison Control Center and
voiced his concern. They advised the old perfesser to just boil
the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered
to answer it. The old perfesser's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the Poison Control Center... they want to know how the
spaghetti sauce turned out...?"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

During a recent Scrabble game, MrsPerfesser suddenly
shocked everyone by exclaiming, "I need a vowel movement."

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser met Jud at the bar, and he is looking somewhat
sheepish and embarrassed.

Jud says, "Hey perfesser, what's wrong?"

The old perfesser says, "I received a party invitation last weekend,
and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone
was wearing suits, too!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser, noticing the date on the calendar, said to
MrsPerfesser, "Hey, we should celebrate! I've been wrong about
everything for ANOTHER whole year!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

Don't believe everything that you see...
It's all done with smoke and mirrors and push-up bras.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser and the other old perfesser are sitting on a
park bench, enjoying the beautiful sunny day.

The other old perfesser turns to the old perfesser and chuckles,
"Days like this really take me back... do you remember the first
time you made love to your wife?"

"The first time?? Hell", says the old perfesser, "I don't remember
the LAST time!"

If you think PUSHING fifty is hard,
wait until you start DRAGGING it!!
       - The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 09:17:55 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Definitions In The Mating Game

The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less
in the future.

A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that
she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man
as "playing hard to get."

What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two
people to each other turn into after a few months together.

A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he

A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy
people meet.

How attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.


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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 17:05:12 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Some words about Feminine Hygiene Products

A. Truthful Story

        It was that time of the month and the harried mom (aren't mom's _always_
harried?) headed into the bathroom to find herself a tampon.  She was relieved
find that she had one left, but confused because she was sure she had bought a
box near the end of her cycle last month!  As the week ended she made sure she
had a nearly full box left in the closet for next month.

        When next month rolled around she was shocked to see that she was down
to just one tampon again.  Later that day when she was on a dirty sock gathering
mission in the room of her 6 and 8 year-old sons she was shocked to find a pile
disassembled tampons in their closet!  She immediately called the little
up to their room and chewed them out:

        "These are mommy's!" she bellowed.  "They do not belong in your room. I
need them.  You are not to take any of these from the bathroom ever again, and
what were you doing with them anyway?"

        The older of the two miscreants spoke first:  "Sorry, mom, we didn't know
they were yours.  But, they have fuzes on them, just like rockets, and you can
shoot the cotton bullets out of them and hit things, so we use them when we
play GI Joes."

        He could see from his mother's reaction that he was still in some trouble
so, to divert her, he added, "What do YOU use them for, mom?"

        Mom quickly sent the boys off to play outside.

        (source: a reliable government worker who's also my brother so he'd
         never tell me a fib.)

B)  True story

        America's Funniest Home Videos (on ABC) calls itself a guilty pleasure.
I watch it whenever I can because there is always at least one clip that gives
me a good belly laugh.

        One clip I recall started with a mom coming up the stairs, cam-corder
set to record, to surprise her young son who was sticking some kind of big
all over the window of the play room.  As she drew in closer on the boy and his
important task we saw that he had been carefully unwarping "panty-liners" and
sticking them to the window with there adhesive strips.

        "And what are you doing up here?" asked the cam-corder wielding mom.

        "I'm putting up these airplane stickers," came the reply.

The most wasted of all days is one
without laughter. -e.e. cummings, poet

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 18:42:52 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Men are like ... <offensive to men>

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not sure why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right
for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up
all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 18:31:49 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Not Adolf either

  German authorities have denied a Turkish couple's request to name their
newborn son Osama bin Laden, a court spokeswoman said Thursday.
  "Osama bin laden is a great man," the baby's father, Mehmet Cengiz, an
unemployed truck driver, told Germany's RTL television. "He's a good man
for his people, for my culture."
  German laws make it illegal for parents to give their children names that
might dishonor them or harm their dignity.   "That could be the case with
this name," Birgit Neepmann, a spokeswoman for the district court in
Cologne, said of the parents' wish to name the boy for the alleged mastermind
of the Sept. 11 attacks.
  City registrars rejected the name, and the parents of the child, who was
born in July, took their case to the district court. If it is rejected there, they
can still appeal.  German law allows foreign names if they are accepted in
the family's home country, "but this one couldn't be registered in Turkey either," Neepmann said.

+Source: Associated Press, Sept. 5, 2002+

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Date:    Tue, 10 Sep 2002 17:59:05 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 10th ~ Gunsmoke Birthday

"Gunsmoke," the longest-lasting TV western, premiered in 1955 on CBS. James
Arness starred as Marshal Matt Dillon. The show ran for twenty years until
September 1, 1975.

"The future has been losing the wisdom of the past ever since the freeway
bypassed the corral."

"Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town." ....Old
Western proverb

"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from
any direction."

"A bronc rider should be light in the head and heavy in the seat."

"Broke is what happens when a cowboy lets his yearnin's get ahead of his

"Any cowboy can carry a tune. The trouble comes when he tries to unload it."

"When in doubt, let your horse do the thinkin'."

"When a cowboy's too old to set a bad example, he hands out good advice."

"Worry is like a rockin' horse. It's something to do that don't get you

"Poor is having to sell the horse to buy the saddle."

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Wed, 11 Sep 2002 00:39:22 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: The 9/11 Anniversary  < adult language >

Wednesday marks the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.  How are we
commemorating the occasion?

•  Reaching out to Muslim neighbors with fruit basket and card reading, "We don't blame
you specifically"

•  Rolling back prices on all new and used Chevrolets to pre-Sept. 11 levels

•  Putting ridiculous stars-and-stripes kerchief on dog, walking around in public with dog

•  Wondering if all the fireworks are maybe inappropriate

•  Bravely defending America's borders on SOCOM: U.S. Navy Seals for PS2

•  Breaking out old "Fuck You, Asshole" bin Laden T-shirt we haven't worn in ages

•  Falsely reporting house in on fire, just to personally thank arriving firefighters for
all they've done for country

•  Getting bitched out by supervisor for leaving walk-in-cooler door open

•  Jumping three feet every time a truck backfires

This Week's Horoscopes  <adult>

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
   Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better.  But at this rate, you won't
be good enough for 64 more years.

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
   Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions.  Business decisions made on
any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
   You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have
regular sex with them just like anybody else.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
   You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to
explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
   You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the
Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for
40 hours a week.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
   Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's
affection by baking it an enormous pie.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
   There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll
soon find out for yourself.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
   Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who
feel that way simply join the armed forces.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
   People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's
biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
   Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth
when Liza Minnelli adopts you.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
   People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been
finished with you for years.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
   After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what
separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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