Digest for Friday, September 06, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 623 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Cheney and Rumsfeld To Take On Iraq With Their Bare Hands
  2. A few Andy Rooneyisms
  3. Bush to Advertise for New Iraqi Leader
  4. A Sense Of Wonder
  5. Elephants Remember
  6. First things first
  7. September 6th ~ Co-Ed College Days
  8. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet
  9. A Quiz for Older People
  10. The Boss Died
  11. Loss of personal freedoms


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 02:02:17 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Cheney and Rumsfeld To Take On Iraq With Their Bare Hands

As domestic and international support for a military attack on Iraq dwindles, Vice
President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld have chosen to go it alone and
launch an attack themselves.

"We don't need the support of Congress, our allies or even the American people.  Heck, we
don't even need an army.  Dick and I can take care of these guys by ourselves," declared
Rumsfeld.

"And believe me, there's 500,000 Iraqi soldier who don't want to see Dick when he's angry.
He'll eat those punks for breakfast," he added.

Long feared as one of the most potent weapons in the U.S. arsenal, Cheney is known to be
vicious when provoked.  Sources tell Chortler.com that the vice president can now bench
press four times his own body weight.

Reports show that in all likelihood Cheney and Rumsfeld will set forth a two-pronged
attack.  Cheney will enter in from the north, disarm the enemy and Rumsfeld will come in
for the final swoop.

"These two are the fiercest fighters the U.S. has," said NBC anchorman Tom Brokaw.  "And
besides an attack on Iraq will give us the ratings boost we so desperately need."
__
Copyright © 2002 Chortler.com

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 05:46:29 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A few Andy Rooneyisms

1.  Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

2.  Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner?  Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners
into my house.  I live in Los Angeles.  I already have bars on the
windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.  I think
They should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

3.  Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
breath, "Married!" and walking away.  Fabric Softeners are how our wives
mark their territory.  We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4.  Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :

Men and women are different in the morning.  We men wake up aroused in
the
morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the
women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic

nerve.

5.  Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.'  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?

Out entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.

6.  Andy Rooney on Research:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is

believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering
around with huge breasts and erections... who can't remember what to do
with them.

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 13:38:30 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Bush to Advertise for New Iraqi Leader

BUSH ADMIN TO ADVERTISE FOR NEW IRAQI LEADER

WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service) -- The Bush White House, responding
to questions about the nature of a "post-Saddam" Iraqi government, will
be taking out want ads in newspapers and magazines around the world
soliciting applications for the post of "Iraqi Head of State."

According to White House Personnel Office staffers who were involved in
the composition of the ad, the job's responsibilities include
"administering all functions of the government of a major Arab state,
in cooperation with occupying military authorities," "hiring and firing
of department and agency heads," "insuring uninterrupted commerce in
and out of the country," and "maintaining public order, quelling
uprisings, and suppressing rebellions." The job qualifications include
"bilingual ability in English and Arabic, experience in managing large
organizations, familiarity with the petrochemical industry, a creative
approach to accounting practices a plus."

"The ideal applicant," says the ad, "will be both familiar and
comfortable utilizing modern methods of populace management and
control. Training available for otherwise qualified applicants."

The ad will be run in English and Arabic versions in major newspapers
around the world, as well as in the alumni magazines of Ivy League
colleges.

Copyright (c) 2002 Skip Mendler

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 08:17:11 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: A Sense Of Wonder <prob. blasphemous>

Religion is the bureaucracy we put between ourselves
and the "sense of wonder" at the astounding beauty of
creation and the amazing spin of the Universe.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Jesus Inspirational Sports Statues
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/06/04/MN121078.DTL&type=news

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

When lawyers change careers to become tambourine preachers,
you know where the real money is.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

CLASSIFIED AD:
 Moving - Must Sell my library of adult videos. Mostly young boys
 and nudists, a few nun fetish. All full length and in fine condition.
 Contact Father in the Rectory, Mount Adolescent Cathedral...

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Clerictracker 9800
  http://www.nationallampoon.com/nlbs/priest/collar.asp

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

People who choose to believe in a magical invisible man who
lives in the sky and loves them but works in mysterious ways
that include letting them suffer and die on a daily basis are
pretty much by definition the gullible type, wouldn't you say?
               -DanD

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

 Let us pray.....  Dear GOD.com, .. .. ..

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Blessing:

May the Light always find you on a dreary day,
When you need to be home, may you find a way,
May you always have courage to take a chance,
And never find frogs in your underpants.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

I couldn't afford a personal savior, so I signed up for Jesusize.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

They say God is neither black nor white, male nor female....
Does that mean Michael Jackson is God?

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Evange-lingerie (tm)
 http://www.jesus21.com/poppydixon/product/panties/panties.html

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

In the spirit of compromise and resisting bigotry,
I promise I will never say "pedophilepriests" as one word.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

The Vatican: We're looking for a few good boys... er, men.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Noah
  http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/288.html

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

With several bottles of white-out and a long weekend, you'll
be surprised how quickly you can make your Bible consistent
with traditional family values.
                                 - Betty Bowers

********************
The only thing wrong with religions that have all
the answers is that they don't allow questions...



______________________________________________________
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If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 08:21:37 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Elephants Remember

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant.  Alas,
he couldn't afford to feed it.  He decided to run a contest to
raise some funds.  Now he'd never seen an elephant jump with all
4 feet coming off the ground, so he started a contest on that.
The entry fee was $10, and the first person to get the elephant
to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, several thousand in fact, but nobody
could get the elephant to jump.  Not even close.

Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine.  He's carrying a
baseball bat.  He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and
crunches the elephant's balls pretty badly.  Needless to say, the
elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the
prize, so he ran another contest.

He'd seen the elephant nod many times, as if to say yes, but he'd
never swung his head back and forth as if to say, "no."  So, same
deal as before, a $10 entry, $50,000 prize.

Lots of people try and fail.

Then along comes the same little guy in his limousine again.  He
pulls out his bat and walks up to the elephant.  He says,
"Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this
again?"

The elephant shakes his head, rather emphatically, NO!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 08:05:49 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: First things first

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concepts of grace and salvation.  I asked them "If I sold my
house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church,
would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat
and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.  Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,
and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"  I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"   I was just bursting with pride for them.

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

 A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 09:37:53 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 6th ~ Co-Ed College Days

In 1837, Oberlin College became the first U.S. college to admit women on an
equal basis with men.

IT'S TOO COLD FOR RULES
There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing
rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain
date.

Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early.
Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the
bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done.

After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized
that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet
into a banner with the message: "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE
BOYS!"
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 14:08:51 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Matthew Perry's struggle:  The actor pays he hasn't had a drink in more than a year.
He drank to forget that he was young, handsome, and rich.

2)  "Real Beverly Hillbillies"  CBS plans to install an actual trailer-trash family in an
L.A. mansion and film the fun.  Anna Nicole Smith is suing for plagiarism.

3)  "American Idol" tour:  The top 10 finalists will tour 27 cities this fall.  And after
each song, Simon will come out and insult them.

4)  Swimfan:  A female stalker turns a swimmer's charmed life into a crud-filled cesspool.
A swimming fan?  Yeah, that's not suspicious.

5)  Alan Jackson:  He's been nominated for 10 Country Music Awards.  He wins, he gets a
prize; he loses, he feels bad enough to write a hit country song.

6)  Jimi Hendrix:  A guitar he burned on stage could get more than $600,000 at auction.
To raise money, Martha Stewart's planning to burn a tray of muffins.

7)  Windex:  It's the cure for everything in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."  Eddie Murphy is
now spraying it on prints of "Pluto Nash."

8)  Liza Minnelli:  The show-stopper is adopting a 3-year-old girl this January.  The hard
part was finding one who could already sing and dance.

9)  "Snipes"  A movie about the guys who make their living pasting up illegal record
posters.  Once upon a time they were called WorldCom employees.

10)  Kirstie Alley:  The Pier One spokesperson may get her own talk show. The question is,
Will she let anyone else?

11)  Raw food:  The latest fad in cooking is not to cook at all.  I'd like a tuna salad on
rye bread dough, please.

12)  Earth to Lance:  The 'N Sync star's trip into space has been scratched.  The people
who live under his planned flight path are so relieved.

13)  $3.15 billion:  What Hollywood made from ticket sales this summer.  Unfortunately,
$5.4 billion is what the movies cost to make.

14)  Björk:  Burglars took a bunch of recording equipment from her London home.  Where can
I send them a thank-you note?

15)  "City by the Sea"  Robert De Niro plays a tortured cop whose estranged son is the
main suspect in a murder case.  If you loved "Meet the Parents"...
___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 08:39:24 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: A Quiz for Older People

      1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches =
located?=20
      a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of =
the clutch c. Next to the horn=20

      2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. =
For what  was it used?=20
      a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. =
Large salt shaker=20

      3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. =
Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced =
delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors =
and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle =
top.=20

      4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?=20
      a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps!=20

      5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing =
stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?=20
      a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks=20

      6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you =
couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?=20
      a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker=20

      7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?=20
      a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax =
coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside=20

      8. How was Butch wax used?=20
      a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors =
shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent =
rust=20

      9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates =
attached to your shoes?=20
      a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that =
crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine=20

      10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a =
decision?=20
      a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo=20

      11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?=20
      a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio=20

      12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"=20
      a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar=20

      13. What was the name of ! Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?=20
      a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni=20

      14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?=20
      a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your mom =
called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your =
head with your arms in an A-bomb drill=20

      15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody =
show?=20
      a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. =
Princess Moonshadow=20

      16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed =
tests were handed out in school?=20
      a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get =
you high* b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the =
window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure=20

      17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with =
purchases?=20
      a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted =
like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for =
various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as =
stick-on tattoos=20

      18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?* a. Meatballs b. =
Dames c. Ammunition=20

      19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song =
"Cabdriver"*  a hit?=20
      a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires=20
      20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?=20
      a. Tony Bennett b. Zavier Cugat c. George Gershwin=20
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


      ANSWERS:=20
      1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, =
popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.=20

      2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?=20

      3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping =
the bottle top.=20

      4. a) Blackjack Gum.=20

      5. b) Special tan makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam =
down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.=20

      6. a) 1946 Studebaker.=20

      7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.=20

      8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.=20

      9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a =
shoestring around your neck.=20

      10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.=20

      11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, =
movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent =
spread of the disease.=20

      12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!=20

      13. c) Macaroni.=20

      14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your =
arms in an  A-bomb drill.=20

      15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.=20

      16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.=20

      17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for =
household items at the Green Stamp store.=20

      18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.=20

      19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.=20

      20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.=20
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


      17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously =
gifted with mind bloat.=20

      12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely =
muddy.=20

      0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger =
than springtime. Have fun now....old is coming.





    =20
            =20
    =20

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 19:44:49 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: The Boss Died

EMERGENCY
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the
hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for
him to give her the rest of the phone number."


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  DUMB BLONDE: your basic peroxymoron.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Fri, 6 Sep 2002 18:50:11 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Loss of personal freedoms

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I work in a library.  We are installing vending machines to charge
a fee to patrons to print from the Internet.  We had to charge for
printing after many years of it being free because the voters of
our town repealed the food tax, resulting in lower revenue for city
services.  When I explained this to an irate patron, he threw up
his hands and said, "Well, we can thank Bin Laden for that!"  I
expressed confusion at this reasoning, but he assured me that Bin
Laden is responsible for the loss of all our personal freedoms.  I
wanted to ask him when free printing qualified as a personal
freedom, but I managed to restrain myself.



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