Digest for Thursday, September 05, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 440 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Women Plan Annual Affairs as NFL Season Begins
  2. Thanks, Mr. Ex-Pres.
  3. Whats So Punny?!?
  4. Helping Out
  5. Take two aspirins....
  6. September 5th ~ National Shrink Day
  7. Secrets to a Happy Marriage.....
  8. Literacy
  9. This Weeks News In Brief


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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 02:02:41 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Women Plan Annual Affairs as NFL Season Begins

        Frustrated women take advantage of football-obsessed husbands
        and boyfriends, indulge in flings.

        "I can get away with anything (during the NFL season)" says one wife

It is that time of year again, time for the NFL season to begin.  Time for men to get
settled in their favorite chair and spend each Sunday afternoon in their underpants,
watching hours upon hours of NFL games and highlights.  It is also time for wives and
girlfriends to meticulously plan and carry out sexual affairs, mostly with foreign men who
have little or no interest in American football.

Sally (not her real name) lives in suburban Pittsburgh, PA and her husband is an avid fan
of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  "He watches every game, every highlight, every report.  He
doesn't miss anything, and that gives me time to have a torrid affair with Simon, my
British lover", she told The Blue Brick.

Like Sally, a growing number of American women now look forward to the NFL season, instead
of dreading it as they had on the past.  "God, I used to get so angry during football
season", said Sally, "but now, it's a great time for both of us.  He gets to watch all of
the games, and I get to sleep with a British guy, pretty much guilt-free".  Last year,
Sally suggested to several of her girlfriends that they too, have an affair during the NFL
season, and a new subculture was born.

"At first, I wasn't sure if I should", said Sally's friend Allison (also not her real
name).  She said that she tried to keep her husband interested in her by cooking and
cleaning naked, but it did not work for long.  "He would hop on me during pre-season, but
once the regular season started, my breasts could have been on fire and he wouldn't have
noticed".

Soon, Allison found herself on a date with Simon's friend Niles, and an affair began soon
after.  "It's nice" says Allison, "Niles doesn't care about football, and by the time he
has bored me to death with all of his British nonsense, the season is over and I can get
back to my relationship with my husband.  Everybody wins this way".

Marriage experts frown on what is being called "gridiron affairs", but acknowledge that in
some cases, it can keep a relationship or a marriage together.  "Some men really do care
way to much about the NFL", says relationship guru Alan West.  "Having the affairs may
keep wives and girlfriends from getting angry and resentful, and therefore keep an
otherwise healthy relationship together."  West stresses that there are better ways to
deal with the NFL season, such as planning a night together each week when football is not
televised.

Sally and Allison, however, plan to continue their "football flings" as long as their
husbands insist on watching hours of football each week.  "No way am I giving up Simon",
says Sally.  "Not until my husband stops loving football, and that isn't likely to happen
anytime soon, unless he gets brain damage or something, and even then I'd probably have
affairs for a whole other reason, you know, because he'd have brain damage and all".
__
Copyright © 2002 Doug Small / The Blue Brick

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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 06:05:42 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Thanks, Mr. Ex-Pres.

Dear Mr. Ex-Pres.

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for
Clinton-Gore."  So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending
my
"Thank you" for what you have done, . . . specifically:

1.  Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones,
Monica
Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick.
Did I leave anyone out?

2.  Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really
planned to wait until they were older to discuss it with them, but now
they
know more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3.  Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK,  and all you have to
know is what the meaning of "is" is.  It really is great to know that
certain sexual acts are not sex, and one person may have sex while the
other
one involved does NOT have sex.

4.  Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new
generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie  "Wag
the
Dog" could be plausible after all.

5.  Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look
graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and
John
Kennedy look moral.

6.  Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the
5th
Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying

about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7.  Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonments
from
the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal
convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our
foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully
disguised as necessary trips.

9.  Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess tax
money.
I really didn't need it in the first place, and I can't think of a more
well
deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than jet fuel
for
all of your globe-trotting. I understand you; the family and your
cronies
have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other
administration.

10.  Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of

convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them

rejoin society.

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware, I'm sure that
Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway.  Also, enjoy the housewarming

gifts you've received from your "friends".

12.  Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House
for
vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out.  I also
appreciate removing all of that excess weight (China, silverware, linen,

towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.)
out
of Air Force One. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less
tax
dollars spent on jet fuel, thank you!

13.  And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million
dollar
advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $5 million
advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!


(I am adding) $13 million and you now want us to pay for your legal
bills??

 Sincerely, A U.S. Citizen

P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing"
the
Internet, without which I would not be able to send this wonderful
letter.

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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 08:32:44 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: What's So Punny?!?

WORLD CUP: What the planet needs when the asteroids
start hitting below the belt.

       - - - - - - - - - -

Sign seen at a propane filing station:

  "Tank heaven for little grills."

       - - - - - - - - - -

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

       - - - - - - - - - -

One of the most learned of pedagogical improprieties escaped from the
lips of a high school English teacher in Brooklyn.  During a class
discussion of the immigrant experience in America, he observed:
"The traditional metaphor for our varied population used to be 'the
melting pot.'  But we have found that ethnic populations don't really
melt in this country.  A more accurate label is 'the ethnic stew.'
Now class, think about a stew for a minute.  In a stew, each ingredient
contributes to the whole while retaining its discrete individuality.
For example, in a stew the carrots retain their carrotness, the
potatoes retain their potatoness -- and the peas retain their
peaness."

            - Richard Lederer, from "More Anguished English"

       - - - - - - - - - -

OXYMORON: Someone who wastes a lot of money at oxygen bars.

       - - - - - - - - - -

I was watching a chicken cross the road. It was poultry in motion.

       - - - - - - - - - -

HERBIVORES: Animals which only eat people named Herb.

       - - - - - - - - - -

Is a will a dead giveaway?

       - - - - - - - - - -

EXHAUSTED LOVER: Someone who is temporarily out of ardor.

       - - - - - - - - - -

President Bush's "Healthy Forests" plan:
  He can't see the forest for the sophistries.

       - - - - - - - - - -

            HEADLINES

Defense Rests in Trial of Narcoleptic

FDA Freezes Ben & Jerry's Assets

       - - - - - - - - - -

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders
with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.


**************
There is no "F" in weigh....




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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 09:39:57 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Helping Out

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but
it makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her
darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the
pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then
she showed up with a cup of tea.

Why, "your such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the
tea. "I didn't know  you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the
water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a
cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter."

"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the
new fly swatter. I used the old one."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 09:24:33 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Take two aspirins....

A guy is out with buddies, has few drinks, gets horny, but true to his wife,
goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.

He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. Of course she chokes but
recovers and asks "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin for your headache."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear!"

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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 08:21:54 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 5th ~ National Shrink Day

Celebrate all psychiatrists and psychologists on the birthday of America's
favorite TV shrink, Bob Newhart. Newhart was born on September 5, 1929, at
Chicago, Illinois.

OPPOSITES
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional
extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the
student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite
of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 11:32:44 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Secrets to a Happy Marriage.....

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 18:18:25 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Literacy

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

I was editing a document for a co-worker and said, "There should
be a dash between the words 'first' and 'place.'"  When I saw the
corrected copy it read "first dash place."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Thu, 5 Sep 2002 22:48:45 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Bar Owner Considering Sept. 11 Options

BOWLING GREEN, KY—With the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks fast
approaching, Tommy's Tavern owner Thomas Kuharski is trying to determine the appropriate
way for his bar to mark the event.  "I definitely want to have one minute of silence,"
Kuharski said.  "But I'm not sure when, since the attacks took place around 9 a.m. and we
don't open until noon.  I'm also thinking of offering $1 rail drinks for police officers
and firemen all day.  Is that enough, though?"  Kuharski said he may also order a
cheese-and-cracker plate and flag napkins.


Catholic Church Rules Perjury Not A Mortal Sin

VATICAN CITY—The Vatican Synod of Bishops ruled Monday that perjury is not a mortal sin,
downgrading the sin to venal.  "God and The Mother Church will be more than satisfied with
a penance of 20 rosaries for any act of perjury," Cardinal Angelo Sodano said.  "Any
earthly prohibition against lying in a court of law has no relevance to the holy teachings
of The Bible."  The proclamation comes on the heels of last Friday's doctrinal
clarification that adultery only occurs when both participants are adults.


Desperate U.S. Colleges Weigh Emergency Bob Marley Legend Ban

BOSTON—The American Council of College Administrators (ACCA) met Monday to discuss an
emergency ban on the Bob Marley greatest-hits compilation Legend.  "The situation grows
more severe by the day," University of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman told her fellow
administrators.  "At any given moment in Ann Arbor, it's impossible to walk down any
street where there is undergraduate housing without hearing 'Get Up Stand Up' coming from
five different porches."  The ban would be the ACCA's first since a 1993 act restricting
access to The Beastie Boys' Check Your Head.


Jazzfest Performer Recognizes Audience From Last Year

INDIANAPOLIS—Twenty minutes into his set at Sunday's JVC JazzFest, jazz guitarist Lee
Ritenour recognized the entire audience from last year's event.  "There's that one
gray-haired guy with the ponytail and the Rippingtons T-shirt," Ritenour said to himself
while playing.  "And the fat guy who sits on a stack of old issues of Down Beat, just
nodding his head.  And there's that frizzy-haired lady with the Playboy Jazzfest blanket
who comes with her son.  My, he's grown."  After a rousing ovation at the end of his set,
Ritenour thanked the crowd and said, "See you all next year."


KKK Member Struggles To Blame Blacks For His Hangover

SWAINSBORO, GA—Buford Anderson, a member of the Swainsboro chapter of the Ku Klux Klan,
struggled to find a way to blame blacks for his wicked hangover Monday.  "I believe the
Nigra [sic] has conspired to hang me over with alcohol, even if I can't rightly prove it
just at this moment," said Anderson, who had consumed a fifth of Jim Beam whiskey the
previous night.  "I done called the Jim Beam hotline to see if any of the board of
directors is of the colored persuasion, but so far I'm inconclusive."  Last December,
Anderson blamed the "Jew-run media" for a paper cut sustained while reading TV Guide.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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