Digest for Wednesday, September 04, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 492 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Lettermans Top Ten Ways To Make Going Back To School More Fun
  2. Social Securith sex
  3. My Favorite Things
  4. September 4th ~ Los Angeles Birthday
  5. Marry who?
  6. Senior Wedding
  7. Blonde Joke
  8. Such is life
  9. The Republic of Berkeley
  10. Remarks by the President and Nance Bass


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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 02:02:49 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Letterman's Top Ten Ways To Make Going Back To School More Fun

10.  Goodbye three-ring binders, hello four-ring binders

9.  Learn to throw your voice and make the quiet kid talk dirty

8.  Shower after every class, not just gym

7.  Remind yourself your yearly allowance is only a few hundred bucks less than your
teacher's salary

6.  Dissect a frog... in history class

5.  The ride seems faster on top of the bus

4.  With luck, phys. ed. teacher could be a striking Major League Baseball player

3.  Unionize your shop class

2.  For show and tell, how about a rabid raccoon?

1.  Be like Dave.  Join the glee club!
___
©MMII, CBS Worldwide Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 05:44:47 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Social Securith sex

Two women were talking. One asked, "So, how's your sex life?"

The other replied, "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
sex,"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know. I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"

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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 07:44:37 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: My Favorite Things  <off. to the VRWC>

 "See, we love- we love freedom. That's what they didn't understand.
  They hate things; we love things. They act out of hatred; we don't
  seek revenge, we seek justice out of love."
                                         - President George W. Bush



MY FAVORITE THINGS
    as sung by George W. Bush
     in "The Sound of Muzak"

   (Inspired by Dubya's immortal line:
    "They hate things; we love things.")


Tax cuts for rich folks and lines at soup kitchens,
Government deficits and elections for fixin',
Protesters maced and pepper spray stings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Big money donors and corporate rulers,
Deregulation for big profit movers,
Pioneer fundraisers loaning their company's wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

   CHORUS:
     When the bombs drop,
     When the scuds sting,
     When I'm feeling sad,
     I simply remember my favorite things,
     And then I don't feel so bad!

Enron and Harken and Tony the poodle,
Helping my buddies bring home all the boodle,
Wild schemes to pry into your underthings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Jetting to parties with rich campaign donors,
Then golfing with Pops 'stead of drunkards and stoners,
Knowing protesters get pepper spray stings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

   CHORUS:

First Lady in twin sets with black pants and flip flops,
First Twins on bar stools in France chasing hip hops,
The stunning hypocrisy makes my heart sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Expensive bourbon that over ice splashes,
Cocaine that clings to my nose and eyelashes,
Prisoner's pleadings that in my ears ring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

   CHORUS:

Laura appearing in piñata dresses,
Chandelier necklace and helmet hair tresses,
Approving the mud that the GOP flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

(Laura chimes in:)
Frumpy gold dresses with blue satin sashes,
Pop enough Xanax to curl my eyelashes,
Tacky decor in the Bushie West Wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

   CHORUS:

To Crawford I go for a secretive meeting,
Trying to disguise all my own lifelong cheating,
Laughing at what all my perfidy brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Chopping down trees on my ranch gives me pleasure,
It's one of the perks from my ill-gotten treasure,
Speeches in which my hypocrisy rings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

   CHORUS:

Laura all wrapped up in straight jacket scarfing,
Jenna and Barbie on bended knee barfing,
Knowing we don't have to pay for our flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

War that's forever and bombs that keep falling,
Anthrax in letters, investigative stalling,
Nuclear winter that melts into spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

   CHORUS:
     When the bombs drop,
     When the scuds sting,
     When I'm feeling sad,
     I simply remember my favorite things,
     And then I don't feel so bad!

(TT)


**************
Washington, DC:
    A city on the Potomac, surrounded by reality.



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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 04:58:47 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 4th ~ Los Angeles Birthday <OFFENSIVE TO RESIDENTS>

On this day in 1871, Felipe de Neve founded El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora La
Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula -- Los Angeles, for short.

THE CALIFORNIA MATH TEST
California officials have determined that students would probably do better
with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples.

Towards that end: The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: _______________________________
Gang: _______________________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his
$800-per-day crack habit?

4. Jerome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How
many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4.
If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to
make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for
killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000.
If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 08:15:43 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Marry who?

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.  He was
a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These
two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he
made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to
ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful
consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled.   "Did she say 'yes' or
did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes'
or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't
remember who had asked me."

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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 09:23:49 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll and begin to discuss
the wedding, where they should register for gifts, who to invite,
where to have the reception, all of the usual stuff.  On the way
they pass a drugstore and Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

"We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do."

"How about medicine for circulation?"

"All kinds."

"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

"Definitely."

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

"Yes, a large variety. The works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol?"

"Absolutely."

"And do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

"Great!" says Jacob. "We'd like to register here, please."
[Thanks to Judy Steinkamp]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 17:20:02 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Blonde Joke

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The
Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the
top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one
of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she
finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road,
and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.  She says,
"What the heck's going on up here?" We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE
GOT A DRIVER

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Blonde's ambition in life?
                 Be like Vanna White & learn the alphabet

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 20:31:11 -0500
From:    C. Poduri <cpoduri@NICUSA.COM>
Subject: Such is life <clean>

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific
Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific
Island and the three are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and
taken to their village. The Chief tells the three captives that these
cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before
they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes, no matter
what they are.

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies:  "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings,
Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen
who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries
and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate
of escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his
tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything
the Frenchman asked for.  He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown
in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to
kick me in the behind as hard as you can."

The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same
reply. "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."  The Chief
shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard
as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all
of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say:
"If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the
State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 18:33:50 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: The Republic of Berkeley

  The Chronicle's Wes Haley was walking at Adeline and Shattuck in Berkeley
the other day when he came across a tourist-looking family -- father, mother
and little boy -- gazing at the papier-mache donkey in a storefront window.
  The little boy asked what the store was, and the mother explained it appeared
to be the headquarters for a Democrat named Shirley Dean -- who, from the
looks of things, was running for mayor.
  "And is that Shirley Dean?" the little boy asked, pointing to the Demo donkey
mascot.
  "Honey," the mother replied, "This is Berkeley. Anything is possible."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, September 1, 2002+



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Date:    Wed, 4 Sep 2002 23:00:35 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Remarks by the President and Nance Bass

        Aspiring Lesbian Cosmonaut Joins President Bush To Decry
        Rampant Discrimination Within Russian Space Agency

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
September 4, 2002  - 12:39 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.  Yesterday, I was shocked and dismayed to learn that Nance
Bass, America's song and dance lesbian sweetheart, had been expelled from cosmonaut
training by the Russian Space Agency.

NANCE BASS: Actually, my name is "Lance," and I'm a ma---

THE PRESIDENT: No need to front for me, Butch.  I may find your chosen lifestyle
repulsive, but you're still an American.  And I cannot in good conscience sit idly by
while you and your lovely singing voice are discriminated against by a bigoted horde of
vodka-swilling, Axis of Evil-loving communists.

NANCE BASS: I owe them $20 million.

THE PRESIDENT: You know, that's what Pooty-Poot said when I called him up this morning.
And under normal circumstances, what with my being a businessman and all, I would take him
at his word.  But this is a special situation.  You're famous, and all the world's media
is watching how this will play out.  So it behooves me to politicize your plight in order
to highlight my "Compassionate Conservatism."

And that's why today, I wanted to take a minute to formally and unequivocally denounce
Russia's discrimination against this highly popular entertainer.  Her work with the
N'Synchdigo Girls has touched millions, and I believe she deserves better.

NANCE BASS: But it's N SYNCH, and I'm not a les---

THE PRESIDENT: I'm talking here, sister.

Yes, let it be known throughout the land that the G.O.P. leadership and I support Nance's
right to visit the Russian wing of the International Space Station.  Of course, we would
never let her serve in the military or teach in a school or adopt a child or be seen
publicly with Karen Hughes - but it's like I told the Log Cabin Republicans back in May,
no matter how certain I am that she will burn in hell for all eternity, I still care very
deeply about her right to vote for me.

This concludes my remarks on this subject.

Thank you all, and God Bless America.

Somebody show Nance where the exit is.
___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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