Digest for Tuesday, September 03, 2002

There are 14 messages totalling 784 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Curling Scandal Rocks Minnesota
  2. Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before theyre canceled ( CBS )
  3. Laugh long and loudly and enjoy your kids
  4. Honorary Degree
  5. September 3rd ~ Bowie Net Day
  6. In Flight Mealtime
  7. Labor Day Late-Braking News
  8. "Its MrsPerfessers night out," said The Old Perfesser helplessly.
  9. Ya know, this may be more funnier than you think!
  10. Well water
  11. Traffic Report for August 2002
  12. DO THE WORD mARRied twist ur barn door 22 $$aDULLt$$
  13. News Flash - Middle East
  14. Close the deal


Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 02:02:35 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Curling Scandal Rocks Minnesota

Minneapolis - The scandal plagued world of amateur women's curling received more bad news
today when it was revealed that Ingrid Sorenson, who plays fast forward for the St. Paul
Sweepers and is the 5th-ranked female curler in the world, was permanently banned from the
sport after failing her third consecutive drug test.

Although curling fans have long grown accustomed to all of the trash talking and
fisticuffs among players, Sorenson's banishment was especially shocking coming so closely
on the heels of the discovery that Mavis Engleson, point guard for the Silverton Sliders,
had used a corked broom during the US-Danish match in the recent Winter Olympics.

Citing privacy regulations, officials of FICA—the Federation International de Curling
Associations, the international organization that oversees the sport's rules and
regulations—have refused to disclose any details of Sorenson's blood test.  This reporter,
however, was able to get a highly placed source within FICA to reveal that Sorenson's
downfall was the result of Jolt-doping, a practice where players drink up to ten liters of
the caffeinated energy drink Jolt within a five minute period to enhance performance.
Although Jolt-doping was outlawed over a decade ago, many top players have been rumored to
routinely procure the restricted substance from illegal clinics in Mexico and Switzerland.

"Ingrid Sorenson was always a fast sweeper, no doubt about that," said Luther Nordstrom,
Chairman of FICA's Committee on Competitions, "But we knew something was wrong when she
swept plumb through the ice during her last game.  Now that just doesn't happen unless
you're a Jolt-head."

Sidney L. Barnsworth, President and CEO of Jolt International, the drink's manufacturer,
made this statement immediately following the announcement of Sorenson's banishment.  "We
at Jolt International are deeply saddened to hear about the tragedy that has occurred to
Ingrid Sorenson and the sport of curling.  While Jolt International strongly condemns the
irresponsible use of super-caffeinated beverages, we believe that Jolt is a safe and
health-friendly product when used properly, that is, by college students who have been
drunk all semester and have to stay up all night to finish six term papers before noon."
by William Grim
Copyright 2002 Broken Newz.

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 06:52:03 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Fall 2002 TV Preview: See them before they're canceled  ( CBS )

[ Bram and Alice ]
   We have a bet going with Zucker at NBC.  Our show has Traylor Howard ("Boston Common,"
"Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place").  Their new show, "Hidden Hills," has Paula Marshall
("Snoops," "Cupid," The Weber Show").  If their show gets cancelled first, they have to
spring for Chinese for a whole month on SmackDown night.  You can make it happen, folks.

[ Robbery Homicide Division ]
   This show was originally entitled "RHD," but test audiences thought it referred to
something they had to memorize in biology class.  ATP?  RNA?  Something with growth
hormone?  We hear you, America.  Tom Sizemore, not known for his roles in "Heat" or
"Saving Private Ryan," prepares to be not known for his role as Detective Sam Cole.

[ Presidio Med ]
   This medical drama revolves around a team of dedicated physicians that treats the
patient, not the problem.  Unlike "ER."  Remember that time on "ER" when Dr. Carter left a
five-year-old victim of a drunk driving accident on the operating table to catch the last
quarter of a Bulls game?  That shit will NOT fly at the Presidio.

[ Without a Trace ]
   Using a sophisticated system of profiling techniques, the FBI Missing Persons Squad
tracks down victims of abduction.  Not all victims, just the, you know, tragic cases—like
Melanie Denne, the beautiful, fair-skinned 6-year-old who was abducted after a ballet
lesson at Adele's Dance School in Evanston, IL.  Or Cindy Halworth, the blonde haired,
blue eyed fourth grade daughter of a Fortune 500 CEO.

[ Still Standing ]
   Jami Gertz, better than she ever did.  Looking like a true survivor.  Feeling like a
little kid.

[ CSI: Miami ]
   While the Vegas-set CSI investigates grisly and sexy crimes involving dead hookers and
strippers, "CSI: Miami" gets dead hookers and strippers…with tans.  In the pilot, star
David Caruso tries to find out what, exactly, was slipped into his drink just before he
agreed to make "Jade."

[ Survivor: Thailand ]
   This year, Survivor is moving to exotic and beautiful Thailand, where the castaways
will make Prada knockoffs for two dollars an hour, procure the services of child
prostitutes and frolic on a hidden beach with Leonardo DiCaprio until their sexual
intrigues bring about their ruin in a metaphorical reenactment of the fall from Eden.

[ Hack ]
   When a famous film producer's partner dies unexpectedly, his world is turned upside
down.  The only way he can cope is producing more and dumber action movies, eventually
branching into the world of television, where he creates the most overrated cop show since
"The District."  David Morse stars as Jerry Bruckheimer.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 06:19:50 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Laugh long and loudly and enjoy your kids

Wow, this one is a tear jerker.
I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but
is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way.  It's nice,
nice! The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child
from birth to 18 and came up $160,140!  That doesn't even touch college
For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the
we could have banked if not for (insert your child's name here).  For
that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down It translates into
$8,896.66 a
year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day!
Just over
a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have
children if
you want to be "rich" It is just the opposite.

What do your get! for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and
skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how
stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch
bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator
magnets and
collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in
clay for Mother's Day,  and cards with backward letters for Father's
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling
wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum   out of bangs, and coaching a
team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first
first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a
list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice,
communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.
You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under
bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever,
love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without
counting the cost.

ENJOY YOUR KIDS (and grandkids)!

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 13:02:25 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Honorary  Degree

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and
said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But
there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her
to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his
fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal
and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the
oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW
much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse
the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the
first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse.

-=} Randall {=-  Chocolate is not just a  basic food group. It is an honorary vitamin.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 06:12:26 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 3rd ~ Bowie Net Day <ADULTISH>

In 1998, David Bowie launched the world's first artist-created Internet
access service, BowieNet.

10. ".trek"    Contains audio files of William Shatner.
 9. ".bill"      Microsoft has bought this company.
 8. ".love"     For people who would rather cuddle.
 7. ".slow"    Based in a distant country with no T3 lines.
 6. ".geek"   Assumes you know what all the acronyms mean.
 5. ".404"     We stopped maintaining our servers in 1996.
 4. ".y2k"     Contains theories about the end of the world.
 3. ".burn"    Huge multimedia files will crash your computer.
 2. ".*"         Contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life.
 1. ".duh"     Explains, in detail, stuff you already know.

And here are even more new domain names being proposed:
 .spam         Sites which offer to sell you everything you don't want.
 .buz           Excessive use of Java Scripts.
 .ani            Heavy use of animated GIFs.
 .hot            The most current, up-to-date sites.
 .old            Sites which are updated about once a year.
 .car            Data on the automotive industry.
 .dog           Sites for dog lovers; or really ugly people.
 .cat            Feline fanatics (not to be confused with .pussy).
 .bird           About birds; as pets or as prey.
 .trip            Images of family vacations - mental health warning.
 .hel             Health care (.hell is copyrighted by Devil.com).
 .peep          Dedicated to peeping-toms.
 .pooh          Information for kids about Winnie The Pooh.
 .poop          (Left to your imagination).
 .prez          Presidential affairs (Marilyn, Monica, etc.).
 .star           People jealous of Presidential affairs.
 .sex           Sites which claim to have teenage girls waiting to do
                    you want, but are run by old guys. Also used for
overflow from .prez.
 .dul            Free sites which recycle the same low-rez images containing
their URL.
 .lnx            URLs which bounce you from one site to another, until you
                    what you wanted in the first place.
 .cnt            Counter sites, who's only purpose is to give someone credit
                    sending you someplace you didn't want to go.
 .chek          URLs which use adult verification you have to pay for only
                    discover it isn't worth it.
 .jugs           Variety of pottery; not female anatomy.
 .pot            Cooking sites; not associated with the weed.
 .fan            Contains information about movie/music celebrities.
 .red            Formerly used by soviet-block countries.
 .pet            Concerning household animals; but no Playmate Pets.
 .max          Sites which don't accept your dad's credit card because
                    you've already maxed it out.
 .mom         Information useful to mothers about child rearing.
 .dad           Handy information about avoiding children.
 .kid            Tips on how to keep parents from finding out what you're
                    really doing on the Internet.
 .wed           Tips on planning a wedding; or avoiding one.
 .fit              Contains images of healthy people you didn't want to see.
 .fat             Adult sites with images you REALLY didn't want to see.
 .ass           Information shared by proctologists.
 .$$$           Adult pay sites.
 .!!!              REALLY good free adult image sites.
.god            Files developed by Microsoft.
 .crap          3rd party files.
 .porn          Adult image files on an unmarried males computer.
 .bible         Adult image files on a married males computer.
 .lewinsky    Letters to your mistress.
 .jackson     Information files on your illegitimate children.
 .bush         New compression format that give you 1.6 Trillion times
                    more disk space but may increase the amount of arsenic
                    and CO that your computer produces.
 .china        Files that will hold 24 other files hostage if any attempts
                    are made to reference the operating system.
 .greenspan New products that attempt to prevent overuse of the
                    computer dynamically adjusting the amount of memory
                    your computer has available (adjusted quarterly).
 .easyaccess           Undocumented security flaws in Explorer, Outlook, and
 .forsakendreams      Unfinished novels and short stories.
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 09:17:55 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: In Flight Mealtime

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the
Northeast. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 09:32:49 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Labor Day Late-Braking News

Late-Braking News Network (LBNN)

Washington, DC (LBNN) - The White House announced yesterday, Labor Day,
that it was cutting funds from a Department of Labor Skill Training
Program that helps underprivileged Americans develop expertise in
technology so that they can pull themselves out of the poverty cycle.

   "This program is absolutely ineffective," said a White House
spokesperson, "and later we will produce research to support this claim.
This money can be better spent to speed up the processing of visas so that
more foreigners can live and work in the U.S." *

* LBNN apologizes for the duplication, to readers who may have seen
  this very same news item on ABC news last evening.

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 09:52:59 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "It's MrsPerfesser's night out," said The Old Perfesser helplessly.

The old perfesser's got a bumper sticker that really sticks in
the craw of all them folks trying to get somewhere fast on the
    "I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

I've really been working out lately. Soon I'll be able to touch
my toes.
Well, as soon as my fingernails grow another 24 inches or so...

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser had been a compulsive worrier for years until
he found a way to overcome this problem. His wife noticed the
dramatic change: "You don't seem to be worried about anything
anymore... what happened?"
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week," the old
perfesser replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."
"A thousand a week!" shouted MrsPerfesser.  "How the heck are you
going to pay him?"
"Sheesh, dear, that's HIS problem!" said the old perfesser.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

Do not use the car as a ladder when cutting down long,
low-hanging branches.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm
really worried about MrsPerfesser. Yesterday she posed for a
nude picture!"
The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that, it's
probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was
the nude picture for?"
The old perfesser said, "Her driver's license!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

You know you're getting old when you feel bad in the morning...
without having any fun the night before.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

"If you ever spent a Saturday with me instead of going to those
stoopit collitch football games, I swear I would drop dead!"
MrsPerfesser screamed.
"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the old perfesser.

Does kudzu qualify as a weapon of mass destruction?
             - The Old Perfesser

This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 11:47:23 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Ya know, this may be more funnier than you think!

According to Jeffrey Kachirk's Calender of "Forgotten English," today is the
Feast Day of Gregory the Great --Patron Saint of English teachers (and similar
causes?).  Here in Upstate New York our Primary and Secondary English teachers
are all bracing themselves for the return of their charges, on the morrow.

For those who get upset over the "in order to form a more perfect Union" clause
in the Preamble to the US Constitution Kachirk quotes Samuel Pegge in the 1844
edition of his book "Anecdotes of the English Language:"

        As to worser, it is no more than a double comparative with
        the usual termination, in a case which the ear will bear and
        which it would abhor in other words, such as better-er,
        happier-er, sooner-er... .
        Londoners are farther accused of inflaming the offence by some-
        times saying more worser.  But to shew how much the comparatives,
        with the auxillary term 'more,' were once allowable, the following
        examples shall suffice: "I am more better than Prospero," (The
        Tempest): "more sharper than your swords," (Henry V): and "the
        envy of lsee happier lands," (Richard II).

I think Pegge's case would have been stronger if he'd quoted Bacon or
the Earl of Oxford! For who could shake a lance at their work?

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 16:37:25 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Well water <offensive to Arabs>

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and
by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American
foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly
sending his man servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly
camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A
man is sitting on the well."

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 18:30:31 -0700
From:    Douglas Harter <douglasharter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Traffic Report for August 2002

Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a
month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to
the entire HUMOR list.  Welcome to the month of
August, 2002.

Effective with the February 2002 Traffic Report, I am stopping the
Contributor's SpotLight. With only about 20 people contributing, I
have run out of Contributors willing to be featured in the SpotLight.
It is not worth keeping it for just new Contributors.

It's September and sone of our subscribers are back in
school. If you turned your mail off for the summer or
changed your email addres, be sure to restore it to normal.
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These are the current sites for the archives:
    humor.catweasel.org (HTML, Text, and Zip copies of
Digests and Yearly and Monthly Traffic Reports)
    www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 (Zipped versions
January 1996 thru April 1996)
    www.crosswinds.net/~jimjr (JimJr's account deleted & he
has no backup. Digests being moved to Prohosting)
    djharter.www3.50megs.com (HTML versions January 1996
thru Sept. 17, 2001 (Account disabled. Files being moved to
    lightning.prohosting.com/~djharter/ (Text and zip
copies of Digests NOT on JimJr's sites (these files are
being moved to Catweasel))
    humor.tonofspace.com (HTML copies of Digests and
Traffic Reports (these files are being moved to Catweasel))
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
            Traffic Report for August 2002

Week  Sun    Mon    Tue    Wed    Thu    Fri    Sat

 1                                 10     13     10
 2     12     10     16     12     15     13     11
 3     11     10     12     15     10     9      12
 4     12     11     11     13     11     12     11
 5     10     11     15     12     9      12     10
                                          Aug    Jul    Aug    Aug
                                          2002   2002   2001   2000

# Jokes for the Month:                    361    349    316    260
# days of submissions for the month:      31     31     31     31
Average Jokes per day for the month:      12     11     10     8
# Contributors for the month:             24     25     28     30
# Subscribers as of end of the month:     7602   7623   7375   6359
# Contributors as of end of the month:    617    618    613    607
# Countries as of end of the month:       90     90     87     84

The above statistics are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It
does not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers
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       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belarus, Belgium, Bermuda, Brazil,
Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Cocos (Keeling) Islands,
Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Finland, France, French Southern Territories,
Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India,
Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kenya,
Korea, Kuwait, Lebanon, Lithuania, Macau, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius,
Mexico, Namibia, Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Oman, Pakistan,
Panama, Paraguay, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania,
Russian Federation, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain,
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United Arab Emirates, USA, Viet Nam, Yugoslavia, Zambia, Zimbabwe,
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And now, the Top 15 Contributors. This will show you which
Contributors are sending the most contributions of Humor each month.
Those who are posting every day are noted.

        Top 15 Contributors from 8/1/02 to 8/31/02

Contributor                                      # Posts

*Les Pourciau                                     31
*Rollo Tomasi                                     31
Sandy - AKA Ms Sam                                30
The Punk                                          29
Bill Stebbins                                     29
Tom and Carrol                                    26
Terry Tubman                                      26
Terry Galan                                       25
Stan Kegel                                        18
Randall Woodman                                   18
Paul Benoit                                       17
Emko Witteveen                                    14
Mickey&Karen                                      13
Maurizio Mariotti                                 10
Larry Saunders                                    10

* - Contributed Every Day
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The Humor staff is comprised of:
  Jay Harman, Listowner <jay_harman@hotmail.com>
  Larry Randall, Examiner & Rules Enforcer <larryrandall@hotmail.com>
  Doug Harter, Archivist and Traffic Reporter
  Bill Edwards, Founder and Listowner Emeritus

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor.
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects.
Freedom of expression for contributors.
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
One contribution per day.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted.
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file.

A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended.
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leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
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And finally, the one feature which has been featured in all Traffic Reports,
the contribution of Humor. Since, I am not a real regular contributor, I
not be providing new Humor. Instead, I will provide a joke from the
It will be at least 14 months old, so most of you won't remember it. You
either see the joke below or a link to the joke, not the actual joke,
I will provide the Subject line (Topic). Since there are now HTML versions
all Digests, it will point to the joke itself.

My contribution of Humor from the Archives:

This joke is joke # 3 in the Digest for 8/26/99
The title of the Joke is: "Why are you crying, my son?"

One day in heaven, the Lord decided he would visit the earth and take a
stroll. Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying.
The Lord  asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"  The man said that he
was blind and had never seen a sunset.  The Lord touched the man and he
see and he was happy.

As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are
you crying, my son?"  The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk.
The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.

Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked,
"Why are you crying, my son?"  The man said, "Lord, I work for the
Government," and the Lord sat down and cried with him.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
             Doug Harter, Traffic Reporter and Archiver

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 18:36:49 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: DO THE WORD   mARRied    twist ur  barn door 22  $$aDULLt$$

A recent study was done by USA Today to determine the most popular position
for sex among married couples.

The results showed, overwhelmingly, that it happens to be "doggie" style.
He sits up and begs, while she rolls over and plays dead.

          since 1903
 We support monkey business
       BeeJum  Aged Snot

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 18:56:05 -0500
From:    C. Poduri <cpoduri@NICUSA.COM>
Subject: News Flash - Middle East <clean-ish>

U.N. officials have hailed Yasser Arafat's decision to convert to Judaism as
a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East. In Israel, government
offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be the

And His
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Tue, 3 Sep 2002 18:39:23 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Close the deal

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  A couple came into my dealership and picked out a car they wanted to
purchase.  When negotiations on the price came to a standstill, I was called
in to try to close the deal.
  "We live on a limited income," the husband kept insisting.  "We can't afford
to pay that much money."
  I quoted our best price in writing, and no one spoke for several minutes.
Then the wife moved the paper I had placed in front of them.
  Noticing this, I complimented her on an exquisite diamond ring she was
  As the husband finally picked up a pen to sign the purchase agreement,
he mumbled to her, "Why didn't you leave that thing at home?"

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