Digest for Monday, September 02, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 507 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Canadian Man Mildly Offended That America Isnt Threatening To Invade Canada
  2. Dont shake that lawyer!
  3. A lawyer in Heaven
  4. Relationships
  5. September 2nd ~ Labor Day
  6. Speeding
  7. Baseball Strike
  8. Thinking Of Cheating
  9. Remarks by the President


Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 02:03:18 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Canadian Man Mildly Offended That America Isn't Threatening To Invade Canada

Ontario, Canada -- Canadian Terrence Phillips has grown more and more disturbed in the
last few months about America's total non-interest in invading Canada.

"I've talked to dozens of Americans who I met at college & over the internet and not one
of them showed the slightest interest in conquering Canada," a miffed Phillips said.
"Even when I pointed out to them that our military had absolutely no hope of even slowing
down America's armed forces they didn't change their minds.  Just what are they trying to
say," Phillips continued.  "That there's nothing here that's even worth taking?"

Joe Cassidy, one of Phillips' American friends agreed that America had no interest in
invading Canada.

"Why would we invade Canada?  What would the point be?  I don't know anyone who'd be in
favor of attacking our little Canuck buddies to the North."

But that was just the sort of answer that infuriated Phillips.

"See that's what I'm talking about," an agitated Phillips said.  "Not only do we
apparently not have anything America wants bad enough to fight for, but we're not taken
seriously as a future threat."  Phillips continued, "Sure our military isn't much now but
the Americans can't even conceive of the possibility that we'll be dangerous in the
future.  Iraq?  Oh they've got to be stopped before American lives are put at risk.  But
Canada?  They're our 'little Canuck buddies to the North.'  What could ever happen?"

When asked if Canada was a threat to America, Tanya McKinney, another American friend that
Phillips knew through the internet responded.

"I don't think Canada is a threat.  I mean I drove up to a Raptors game once with my
boyfriend and everyone was so nice," McKinney said.  "They do say "eh" and "aboot" though
and I thought that was really cute."

A grouchy Phillips didn't like that answer either.

"So now we're too 'cute' to be a threat to America?  What about our oil, and our timber
industry," Phillips exclaimed, "are they too 'cute' to be worth billions of dollars?
Canadians are well educated, Westernized, hard-working people as well.  You'd think we'd
be just the sort of people any nation would want to break to their will to be used as
slave labor" Phillips snorted.  "But instead of hitting Canada the Americans invaded
Afghanistan.  Yeah, that was a great choice America.  Winnipeg alone is worth more than
the entire nation of Afghanistan but does anyone ever think about invading us?

At that point a news report about the latest "Iraqi Invasion" plan that was leaked to the
New York Times came on TV.

"Just once" Phillips stated, "I'd like to see a 'Canadian invasion' plan leaked to the New
York Times.  That would just make my day."
Copyright John Hawkins 1999-2002

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 01:11:58 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Don't shake that lawyer! <offensive to lawyers>

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to
the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than
me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I
jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time
you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but
lips and a briefcase..."

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 05:49:42 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A lawyer in Heaven

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds
himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.  Saint Peter
runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're
celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer.  "I only lived to be

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up
your time sheets."

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 07:30:14 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Relationships

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now,
at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage
to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a
bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when
one longs for the companionship of another being, a
being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom
one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind
and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's
joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's
eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn
responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I help you
choose which puppy to buy?"
  - -
When accomplishing the impossible, the boss will always add it
to your regular duties.

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 07:29:31 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 2nd ~ Labor Day <ADULT>

Since 1894, this national holiday honors working people and labor unions.
Held on the first Monday in September, Labor Day is the unofficial end of
summer. The first Labor Day parade was held by the Central Labor Union on
September 5, 1882, in New York City.

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over again.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MECHANICS have all the right tools.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILE MEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS can revive anything.
PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRITERS have novel ways.
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 09:04:20 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Speeding

  Because of an accumulation of speeding tickets, Indianapolis Colts
running back Edgerrin James' license was suspended. So he took a
cab to training camp -- a 73-mile ride. And wouldn't you know it? His
cabbie turned out to have the most speeding tickets of any cab driver
in Indianapolis.

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Tom FitzGerald, August 13, 2002+

Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 13:45:32 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Baseball Strike

Come help, do your part...Where else can you get 6 beers for $45

A Plea for Help!

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in
our generation.  We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity.
We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate
scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a
myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small.  But now, we
must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.
Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living
at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level.
And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their
life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the
upcoming strike situation.

But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of
a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically
viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the
problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and
every little bit will help!  Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money
to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending
the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven
hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage
payment, two unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with
COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily
salary.  Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy
that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new
Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate,
and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.

Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo
of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the
Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150).  Put the
photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to
help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case
additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked
        [ ] Infielder
        [ ] Outfielder
        [ ] Starting Pitcher
        [ ] Ace Pitcher
        [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for
                 the cost of a specific team - $10 per    minute)
        [ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for
the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have
sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very
own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80
for hat).

Your Name:        _______________________
Telephone Number: ____________________
Account Number:   _____________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature:        _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number:   _____________________Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature:        _______________________

Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-****-THE-FANS now to
enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

Disclaimer: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to,
telephone calls, letters or faxes.

-=} Randall {=-  Baseball Strike....no scratchin',no spittin',no cussin',NO

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 21:17:51 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Thinking Of Cheating

Tom sits in clubhouse bar thinking about cheating on his wife with
a beautiful young secretary who has been working in his office.
Deep in thought about the subject he absent-mindedly starts
thinking aloud.

"Not worth it" he mutters.  "Never as good as you hoped. Expensive
and drives wives into a tizzy, really pi**es them off."

A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom's
words leaned across and said, "Come on now Tom, enough of that.
You knew what to expect when you took up golf."


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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 23:02:04 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Remarks by the President

        President Bush's Labor Day Address To Collected Members
        Of The Korean Deli & Fruit Stand Owners Association

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
August 31, 2002  - 1:19 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.  It's my pleasure to deliver the keynote speech here at the
Korean Deli & Fruit Stand Owner Association's annual convention.  I want to thank you all
for having me.  That was an interesting lunch.  You know, I had always assumed that
Koreans just ate Chinese food.  Who knew you like to pig out on barbecued German shepherd
and big bowls of Tabasco-drenched rotten cabbage?  I guess that explains your breath.


Aw, come on now.  I'm just kidding with you.  I ate it, too.  My breath's almost as bad as
yours  which, I might add, still isn't as bad as Antonin Scalia's.  Did you know that
every day, our future Chief Justice heads off to the Supreme Court packing a lunch thermos
filled to the brim with homemade 50-Clove Dago Soup?  Try talking jurisprudence in person
with Tony Boy, and his breath'll melt the five o'clock shadow right off your face.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about.  As you know, today marks the beginning of the
Labor Day holiday weekend, a time when Americans honor the years of hard work and long
days that have made this country the greatest one on the face of the earth.  I mean
seriously, bar none, the absolute greatest.  Hell, if America was one person  even his
dandruff would be greater than every other person in the world.  I know it, you know it,
and every other country knows it.  That's why so many foreigners are so sour all the time.
It must be hard to look in the mirror every morning and think, "I'm not even 1% as good as
America's toe jam."

But I digressify.  I'm here today because I want to honor the spirit of hard work and
labor that is so prevalent not only in the Korean American community as a whole, but
especially among you deli and fruit stand owners.  Never let it be said that you people
don't know how to work.  Hell, you never close up shop.  It could be 3:30 in the morning
on Christmas day itself, and you folks can be counted on to still be laboring  selling
the candy bars, lottery tickets, cigarettes and malt liquor which keep our economy strong.
Why, when it comes to labor, you even put the tophat Jews to shame.  They take off all day
Saturday and won't even work after dark.

And so Monday is Labor Day.  And while I myself will not be working  it being the final
day of my month-long getaway to my modest ranch in Texas  I know that each and every one
of you will be  tending your stores with the same kind of caring zeal and commitment that
the junk cart vendors on M*A*S*H did.  And I want each of you to know, on behalf of Vice
President Cheney and myself, how much we appreciate all the hard work you people do.
Don't think it hasn't gone unnoticed by this administration that so few of you collect
welfare, or that so many of you have set aside silly oriental religions in favor of
worshipping Jesus Christ.  Yes, we didn't start calling you people the "model minority"
for nothing.

In closing, I wanted to thank you all for cooperating so nicely with all the extra
security here today.  As you know, since each of you is a blood relative of the Axis of
Evil, the Secret Service insisted on implementing some extra precautions before I arrived.
I know you all understand, and I'm told everyone was very gracious during the body cavity
searches.  But now, looking out over this sea of shivering pink nipples, I think it's
about time we give you good people your clothes back.  So I'm going to quit my yapping up
here, and be on my way.


Happy Labor Day, Korean deli and fruit stand owners!

(Thunderous Applause.)

Thank you.  And God Bless.
____        ____        ____        ____        ____
2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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