Digest for Sunday, September 01, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 345 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Pope Concludes Nostalgic Trip To Boyhood Home By Beating Crap Out Of Old Hockey Coach
  2. Bar Jokes
  3. Blondie
  4. Zoo
  5. September 1st ~ Highest Birth Rate Month
  6. Got milk?
  7. The Army and the Mountain Man
  8. This Weeks Horoscopes


Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 02:02:16 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Pope Concludes Nostalgic Trip To Boyhood Home By Beating Crap Out Of Old Hockey Coach

KRAKOW, POLAND—Pope John Paul II spent several days in his boyhood hometown outside
Krakow, where he spoke with old friends and neighbors, led Sunday Mass in the Cathedral
where he was baptized and delivered a furious beating to his old mentor and hockey coach,
Chip Dinsky.

"It was an amazing spectacle to witness," said an anonymous spokesman for the Vatican, who
just days earlier was worried that the Pope's fragile health might require early
retirement.  "I would say it was a smackdown, pure and simple."

Coach Dinsky, 92, who ran Krakow's Mother of Charity intramural hockey league during the
war years was renown for teasing the Pontiff and humiliating him in front of the other

According to former teammate Piet-Paul Savovitch, the Pope, known simply as "JP" back
then, was really small for his age and took a lot of abuse in the lockerroom.

"JP was skinny and weak and super religious and that just didn't jibe with Coach Dinsky,"
Savovitch said.  "Plus he developed late and was hung like a squirrel which the Coach
never hesitated to point out every time an opponent scored on him."

Though the Vatican doesn't normally condone violence, a statement released after the
incident referenced the Biblical "eye for an eye" passage in the Scriptures.  Off the
record, several Vatican aides admitted the Pope had been planning payback for years and
was simply "taking care of business."

A few months ago, the Pope hired a personal trainer and did a little kickboxing, explained
a Vatican administrator who thought at the time the Pope was just trying get in shape for
the summer.  "But then, when he realized he'd be traveling to Poland, all of the sudden
Jackie Chan shows up for dinner and teaches him a bunch of neat Jap tricks -I guess just
in case."

Witnesses at the scene described it as an "old fashioned ass-whooping" but said that Coach
Pinsky put up a good fight up until the very end, when the Pope beat him senseless with a
metal folding chair in the center of the old skating rink.

"I'm just glad the Pope had mercy and took off his ice skates.  That would have been
really ugly."
Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 03:10:13 -0400
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bar Jokes

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a rum.....................................
..........and coke."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds, "I dunno....I've always had them."

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm and says to the
barkeep, "Do you serve politicians here?"  The barkeep replies,  "Well, of
course we do!".  So the man replies, "Good- I'll have a beer and my friend
will have a politician.".

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 07:20:44 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Blondie

Blondie had just come back from
her first football game.  A friend
asked her, "How did you like it?"

Blondie replied, "Terrible.  They were all
lined up and ready to play when some smart
aleck came up, kicked the ball, and then they
all fought over it the rest of the afternoon."

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Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 08:16:27 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Zoo

The young lady strolled through the National Zoo
and finally paused in front of the monkey island.
Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals,
she queried the keeper, "Where are all the

"They're all back in the cave Miss." He responded,
"It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." She replied, "Do you think they'd come
out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't
rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast
to the real world.

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Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 07:19:25 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: September 1st ~ Highest Birth Rate Month

According to "Health" magazine, more babies are born in September than any
other month.

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement.  While
one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies and was rather
concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested
his friend go visit his kids.

The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and
go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen
kids in my family."

The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children,
so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was, my mother was hard of
hearing. When my Mom and Dad would go to bed at night and my Dad would ask,
'Do you want to go to sleep or what?'  and my Mom would say, 'What?' "
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site

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Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 13:25:04 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Got milk?

  Prosecutors were again trying to force a woman to stop breast-feeding her
8-year-old son, a practice that once temporarily landed the boy in foster care.
During a brief hearing Tuesday, Judge Ann Einhorn warned Lynn Stuckey, 34,
against continuing the practice and set future court dates to consider the
prosecutor's petition claiming neglect.
  Stuckey lets her son nurse once every 10 days or so, a practice she calls natural, child-led weaning, though she's unsure whether she still produces milk.
The state took custody of the boy in July 2000 after a baby sitter called a child-
abuse hot line, and he remained in foster care for several months. Einhorn had approved his homecoming, saying Stuckey was no longer nursing.
  The single mother appeared on ABC-TV's "Good Morning America" last month
to discuss her situation, the first time she was identified publicly. The program
included a tape of the boy while suckling.
  "I think people need to see me and my child and realize that this is a perfectly
normal practice," Stuckey said on the program. "We are your standard middle-
class American family, and we're not doing anything wrong."
  About a week later, prosecutor John Piland filed the petition, which alleges that Stuckey has neglected her son by placing him at risk of emotional harm; failed to correct the conditions that triggered the foster care two years ago; and exposed
him to ridicule by showing the tape.
  The petition does not bring criminal charges, instead asking the judge to intervene under the state's juvenile laws. The judge could terminate parental rights, but Piland would not say whether he'll seek that.
  "The court has broad powers to do lots of things," he said.  A new hearing was
set for Sept. 10.   The boy's father lived in Oregon during the last court test and
has had little role in raising him.

+Source: Associated Press, August 21, 2002+

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Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 17:05:18 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: The Army and the Mountain Man

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian Mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked out most of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him......

-=} Randall {=-  Be a jock strap....support athletes in training!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 2002 01:02:17 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes <adult>

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
   You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they
always have to use yours.

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
   You continue to hurt the ones you love not because you're a weak or bad person, but
because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
   You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that
clearly cares very much about you.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
   In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more
obvious that you need a good planning lamp.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
   The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw
in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
   No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media
attention.  Next time, stick to pretty white girls.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
   Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse
to think of yourself as "trapped."

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
   You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your
value is tied to the peso.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
   Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister
hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
   You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone
at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
   You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going
to put in another hip.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
   The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and
so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Sun, 1 Sep 2002 20:10:12 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: WHAT GENDER ARE THEY? <adult>

      ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything=20
      in, but you can always see right through them.=20

      SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it=20
      appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends=20
      most of its time just opening bottles.=20

      KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the=20
      bathroom in pairs.=20

      SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished,=20
      with its tongue hanging out.=20

      COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes=20
      a while to warm up.=20

      TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is=20
      over inflated.=20

      HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go=20
      anywhere you have to light a fire Under it ... and, of=20
      course, there's the hot air part.=20

      SPONGES - female, because they are soft and=20
      squeezable and retain water.=20

      WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting=20
      hit on.=20

      SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines=20
      to pick people up.=20

      HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight=20
      shifts to the bottom.=20

      HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over=20
      the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.=20

      REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd=20
      say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be=20
      lost without it, and while he doesn't always=20
      know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.=20

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