Digest for Tuesday, August 27, 2002

There are 15 messages totalling 924 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Nation Facing Shortage Of Economic Slogans
  2. [Fwd: "Puns of the Weak" 08/23/02 (Part 1)]
  3. Corporate lessons
  4. Another Day, Another.....
  5. OUCH! IT STILL HURTS....
  6. You Get What You Pay For
  7. Late-Braking News: Cheney/Bush declare war
  8. August 27th ~ First Kiss Day
  9. Accounting
  10. King Mu
  11. Dem or Rep?
  12. Third-date syndrome
  13. The copy
  14. "Puns of the Weak" 08/23/02 (Part 2)
  15. Thats Some Pig!


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 02:03:20 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Nation Facing Shortage Of Economic Slogans

        America's Slogan Reserves Nearly Depleted, White House Warns

America's supply of meaningless economic slogans, such as "Corporate Responsibility" and
"Small Investors Retirement Security," has been drained almost dry in the past few weeks
as President Bush made a series of banal speeches in the hopes of talking up the flagging
economy.

That is the message from senior White House aides, who say that America's slogan reserves
were taxed to the breaking point this week at the President's Economic Forum at Baylor
University.

"People seem to think that meaningless economic slogans are a renewable resource," one
Bush aide said.  "That is simply not the case."

As the stock markets went into a free-fall this summer, President Bush was forced to make
a series of meaningless cheerleading speeches in front of slogan-bedecked backgrounds, a
decision that may have triggered the nation's current slogan shortage.

Senior aides have been scrambling to develop new slogans, but much of their handiwork is
instantly consigned to the dustbin, such as the recently rejected idea of President Bush
delivering a speech in front of the slogan, "Will Work For Food."

"We had high hopes for that one, but the focus groups hated it," one aide said.

For his part, President Bush acknowledged the slogan shortage in a speech last night in
Austin, where he spoke in front of a background adorned with the words, "Seeking New
Sources of Slogans."

"Coming up with a plan for an economic recovery will be hard," Mr. Bush told his audience.
"Coming up with a name for that plan will be even harder."
___
by Andy Borowitz
© Borowitz Report

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 01:04:46 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: [Fwd: "Puns of the Weak" 08/23/02 (Part 1)]

                OGDEN NASH  Born 8/20/1902

 Candy is dandy  But liquor is quicker
 The trouble with a kitten is that Eventually it becomes a cat
 The cow is of the bovine ilk One end is moo, the other, milk
 God in his wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why
 Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,  And that's what parents
were created for
I think that I shall never see  A billboard as lovely as a tree.
Perhaps unless the billboards fall,  I'll never see a tree at all.•

                IN THE NEWS:

•Old Elvis impersonators never die, they just go out of sequins. (Gary Hallock)•
•Elvis had a lot of heartburn all of his life from his greasy diet.  He
suffered from Upper G.I. Blues. (Tiffany Wimberly)•
•Elvis was an especially colorful character, He was a redneck who stole
the blues from the blacks and sold it to the whites (Shamjac)•
•Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way
to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money
to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:
     1) Hold down the shift key.
     2) Hit the 4 key four times. (Jim Mica)•
•General Motors petitioned the U.S. government Thursday to make daytime
"running lights" mandatory for all new cars. Of course, this is one of
today's biggest traffic problems -- people running lights all the time. (Burkard)•
•U.S. Air, the seventh largest carrier, has filed for bankruptcy.  Two
more airlines filed last week, Midway and Vanguard.  In fact, so many
airlines are in trouble now, Boeing introduced their newest jet, the
7-Chapter 11. (Jay Leno)•

                PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

•What is necessary to circumcise a whale? Four Skindivers (Stan Kegel) •
•In what western city do St. Nicks's teams of helpers spend their
vacations?  Santa Crews (Gary Hallock)•
•What international city is named for a sunbathing animal? Istanbul
(Scott Ryan) •
•Homosexual convicts in American prisons are now given free condoms.
Grammerically speaking, this can be described as ...?  Conjugating a
sentence.  (Stan Kegel)•
•Two psychiatrists got together and ventured quite successfully into the
modern music scene. In so doing they created a whole new variation on a
popular genre. What was it called? Shrink Rap (Lars Hanson) •
•Fed up with their shabby treatment in the circus side-show, a group of
disgruntled dwarfs, midgets, bearded ladies, dog-faced boys and other
physical misfits decided to exile themselves to a remote island where
they could live among their own kind without fear of being stared at or
made fun of. One day in this peaceful island nation a dog-faced boy
walked into a bar and sat down on the stool beside a bearded lady and
politely inquired, "Mind if I sit here?" What was her reply?  It's a
freak country (Gary Hallock)•
•How do many people who have undergone defibrillation describe the
experience?  They were repulsed! (Ken Pinkham)•
•What is the title of the famous novel about rodents & spices? Of Mice
Cinnamon (Gary Hallock) •

                DEFINITIONS:

•Exudate: To go to dinner with your former spouse   (Stan Kegel)•
•Digest: Morbid Joke (Paul Dickson)•
•Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position. (Lloyd)•
•Homosexual: One who has sex only in his own residence  (Stan Kegel)•
•Ferrous Wheel: Large ironic structures that have been going around
amusement parks for years.(Gary Hallock)•
•Elixir: What an amorous man sometimes does to a woman. (Scot Nelson)•
•Lab Test: Exams done to determine best labrador retriever at dog shows
(Stan Kegel)•
•Superficial:  A really good referee (William Safire)•
•Prostate: 10th Amendment advocate  (Stan Kegel)•
•Beleaguered: Stuck in the semipros.  (William Safire)•
•Program: Advocate of the metric system  (Paul Dickson)•
•Cookout: The reason the waiter never brought your meal. (Gary Hallock)•
•Sickle Cell Disease: Addiction to farm equipment auctions  (Stan Kegel) •
•Hermit: Girl’s baseball glove  (William Safire)•
•Camp Ground: The most robust kind of coffee.(Gary Hallock)

                POETRY

• In the morn, when you eat, if you could,
 You'd eat healthfully, just like you should.
        I would just like to say,
        "Have a doughnut today,
 For a breakfast that's holesome and good." (Kirk Miller)•
• If seeking in haste
 To be wedded or bedded
 Just lose if you're chaste! (John S. Crosby) •
• Said a specialty hooker named Jean,
 Who made the Jacuzzi her scene,
        “A rub-a-dub-dub,
        Three men in a  tub
 Not only come close, they come clean.’ (Isaac Asimov)•
•A young schizophrenic name Strutter,
 When told of the death of his brother,
         Said: "Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
 After all, I still have each other." (Misty)•
• We were painting the church steeple gray,
 When the wind blew our brushes away.
        We said to the pastor,
        "We've had a disaster!"
 He calmly replied, "Let us spray." (Gail S. Angel) •

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 05:41:37 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Corporate lessons

Corporate Lesson 1
------------------
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing
over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives
up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop
that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800
dollars he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in
time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable Exposure!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Corporate lesson 2
------------------
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her
leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself
to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from
her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.

The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again
the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible
and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
------------------
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity!

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 07:43:43 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Another Day, Another.....

Excerpts from The Old Perfesser's Diary
---------------------------------------



Dear Diary,

When asked by your wife what you think of her new hairstyle,
do NOT joke that you have seen better heads on a cabbage...

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --


Dear Diary,

In my day we didn't have these fancy-schmantzy anti-depressants.
Real men cheered themselves up by drinkin' and fightin' people
different 'n 'em. The gals ate ice cream in front of the TV and
smoked a lot.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --


Dear Diary,

My Southern Baptist niece won't let her home-schooled kids
read anything about dinosaurs.
Apparently fossils are part of some huge liberal Democratic
conspiracy to undermine God.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --


Dear Diary,

Heh, heh... My Bestest E-Buddy In The World (tm) sent me this
URL, and asked if MrsPerfesser had been the inspiration for the
dang thing:
     http://www.lolfun.com/flash_0702/boobs_hang_low.cfm

I didn't show it to MrsP, 'cause she'd whap me on the head again.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --


Dear Diary,

I'm really worried that ol' Johnny Ashcroft's Operation TIPS will
quickly become "Turn In Perfessers". The whole education system
will be the target.
Of course, "Turn In Teachers" has some acronym problems...

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --


Dear Diary,

I'm not saying MrsPerfesser shops too much, but as I was waiting
for her to finish shopping the other day, all the overhead lights
flickered.
I figured that must'a been her checking out.

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --


Dear Diary,

You know things are really going downhill when your wife says,
"If I'm asleep when you get through, just pull my nightgown down."

             - The Old Perfesser



******************
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges,
but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
            - MrsPerfesser



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If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 08:44:36 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: OUCH! IT STILL HURTS....

A couple from the United States took a vacation to Africa and, while
there, heard about a tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. Well,
the couple could not believe this, so they engaged a guide to take them to
find this tribe in a remote part of Africa.

When the couple arrived at the tribe's camp, they were permitted to
inspect the male natives' genitalia and, sure enough, each native had one
24 inches long! The couple asked the chief how this all came about and
they were told that, when each male child became a certain age, a string
was tied around his penis and on the other end of the string was a weight.
After a while, the weight had the effect of lengthening the penis to 24
inches.

After the couple returned home, the husband was getting out of the shower
one day and his wife looked at him and said, "What would you think about
your trying the African native string-and-weight procedure so that you can
have one like those natives?" The husband agreed and he attached the
string and weight.

A few weeks later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal
procedure coming?" He replied, "Well, we're half way there." She asked,
"You mean it's getting longer?" He said, "No, but it's turned black!"

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 09:52:40 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: You Get What You Pay For

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100
bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.

The student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 11:30:18 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Late-Braking News: Cheney/Bush declare war

LBNN - Late-Braking News Network

Washington (LBNN) - Before a gathering of delegates to the annual
convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, VP Cheney announced yesterday
that his and President Bush's administration was prepared to declare war
on Iraq, with or without congressional support or international approval.
"Saddam Hussein must be stopped," he exclaimed, "Iraq has nuclear weapons
capabilities!!"

Cheney later told reporters that "the jury was still out" concerning
possible US attacks on other nations with nuclear weapons, such as China,
Ukraine, India, Pakistan, Russia, and France.

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 08:38:16 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 27th ~ First Kiss Day <ADULT>

On August 27, 1929, Popeye and Olive Oyl had their first kiss in the comic
strip "Thimble Theater" when Olive Oyl planted a big wet one on Popeye's
nose.

Dear Doctor Rude,
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me
the difference between the following kisses?

Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss

Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

Dear Flummoxed,
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get
exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but
clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from
theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels
that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its
own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is that
it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we
associate with the experience of the kiss-- which must necessarilly also be
differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be
by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing
the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to
make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefore.

Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves
you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other
classic kisses:

Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the
Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to
most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and
cover more ground.

Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't
actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best
kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to
transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though
it really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue
movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up
seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and
wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others
would find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I
think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian
unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been
kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater
nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less
sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble
you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of
kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so
high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses
have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room
with you to enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
stronger."

Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would
not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually
touch.

Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that,
once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied
to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.

Doctor Rude
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 09:42:41 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Accounting

The current scandals over how large companies have
been cooking the books reminds me of a basic
accounting course I took years ago. The professor was
explaining an accounting method called First In Last
Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate
large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil
industry, for example, reported huge profits during
the 1970's when the oil shortage occured. They stopped
buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had
been purchased in the 1930's at 20˘ a barrel. They of
course sold it at current market prices, which
accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse
me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong
class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is two
doors down the hall, on the left."
---
I've always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I certainly never
thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread, and mayonnaise.
      ~Victoria

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 17:09:02 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: King Mu

Many years ago a traveler came to the ancient land of Day. As he traveled
through the country side he saw many fields and pastures. The people working
the land all appeared to be peasants, living in abject poverty. However all
he passed seemed to be in good spirits. Asking a peasant how he could be so
happy while living in such an impoverished state the man told him that this
land was ruled by a huge, intelligent and benevolent bear called King Mu. He
continued to inform the traveler that while he was poor now he could, when
he thought he was ready, participate in a kind of rite of passage and become
a knight.

Asking what was involved in this rite the peasant replied,"You know the
usual stuff, drinking till dawn, reciting sports scores from five years
past, telling tall tales about women he had never met, discussing the
advantages of the designated hitter rule, and many other things of similar
difficulty." The traveler agreed that would be a grueling test indeed. "Tell
me peasant, what are the rewards for passing such a test?" asked the
traveler.

"Why, sir, when you are made a knight you receive all the goodies. You get
things like a Royal Express card. No limit on those things you know sir. You
can move to a nice Condo on the beach, and maybe even get a trophy wife to
replace the one you got now."

"Amazing!", said the traveler ,"This I would have to see to believe."

"There's a test going on now in the capital." said the peasant.

So the traveler moved on down the road to the capital to see for himself if
all was as the peasant had said. Passing through the gates and into the
beautiful capital city he saw that the Festival of Testing was indeed in
progress. In the center of the town, on a raised ornate throne sat King Mu,
who was indeed a bear and looked that if he stood , would be at least twelve
feet tall. Moving through the crowd the traveler saw three men standing
before the throne. Two of the men looked to be in fine shape, clear of eye,
with their collars buttoned down and wearing a neck scarf in a power color.
Both had at some point in the competition won the honorary Rolex sun dial,
which they wore on their wrists. The third man however, looked horrible. His
eyes were blood shot, and as he stood holding his head, he looked like he
was not to steady on his feet.

Rising from his throne the king approached the two men and placing a huge
paw on each of their shoulders the king announced, " These two men I make
knights and grant unto them all the privileges they deserve." Turning to the
third man the king said, "This man did not however pass the test." With that
he raised a paw and much to the traveler's horror struck the man down,
killing him on the spot. At that point a king's aide brought forth a great
shaggy dog , at least four foot at the shoulder, and presented it to the
grief stricken family. Turing in shock and confusion, the traveler asked the
man standing next to explain what had just transpired.

"Why, everyone knows," said the man, "there's nothing better, after a bad
Day's knight, than the dog of the bear the hit you."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Work is for those who have nothing better to do.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 18:25:34 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Dem or Rep? <offensive to Reps (hopefully)>

Subject: Democrat or Republican!

I was traveling between Phoenix and Ajo the other day south of Gila Bend
when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My
only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next
town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.

He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Democrat or Republican," asked the old man.

"Democrat," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since
this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few
Democrats. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a
beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or
Republican. "Republican!", I shouted.

"Hop in!", replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman In
the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and
a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She pulled over and as soon as the
car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?", she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican for five
minutes and already, I want to screw somebody."

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 19:58:32 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Third-date syndrome

   Lisa Guerrero, the sexy hostess of Fox's "Best Damn Sports Show Period," tells Maxim magazine about working on NFL games: "I call it the third-date syndrome.
The first two are great and then like clockwork the guy says, 'You know you have
to stop doing locker-room interviews, right?'  Nobody wants their girlfriend in a room
full of naked millionaires, but that's my job."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Tom FitzGerald, August 23, 2002+



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 23:58:50 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The copy

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the
doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to
pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was
making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large
black letters was the sentence:

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

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Date:    Tue, 27 Aug 2002 22:02:40 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: "Puns of the Weak" 08/23/02 (Part 2)

                JEST FOR KIDS

•What did the picture say to the wall? "I've been framed. " (Jeanne, 11)•
•How did the patient get to the hospital so fast? Flu. (Angie, 8)•
•How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring
(Valarie, 11)•
•What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed (Daily Groaner)•
•How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor. (Kids Jokes).•
•What did one magnet say to the other magnet? "I find you very
attractive.". (Stan Kegel)•
•If a chicken crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back,
what is it?     A dirty double crosser. (Daily Groaner)•
•Why did the boy take a ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he
slept. (Lamekia, 8)•
•When is a bicycle not a bicycle? When it turns into a driveway. (Daily Groaner)•
•What do you get if you don’t clean your mirror? A dirty look (Abraham, 10)•
•Why should you plug your ears when you meet a tennis player? Because he
makes a lot of racket. (Casey, 7)•
•A man just sold me the Nile River! Egypt you. (Carol’s Humor)•
•When is the best time to buy a parakeet? When it says, “cheap - cheap”
(Kimberly, 7)•
•Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film. Well
lets just wait and see if anything develops ! (Archives)•
•You can tune a piano, though you can't tuna fish, though they both have
scales. (Christine Anderson)•
•What criminals can you find in a shoe store? A pair of sneakers.
(Ramon, 10)•
•What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck. (Syman Hirsch)•
•Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and
you'll soon drop off. (Douglas Helsel)  •
•What did the pantyhose say to the nylons at the family reunion? Wow, we
really run in the family. (Syman Hirsch)•
•Haven't I seen your face somewhere else? I don't think so. It has
always been between my ears. (Carol’s Humor)•
•What kind of bee spills its honey? A spilling bee  (Lederer & Ertner) •
•Doctor, your next patient thinks he's invisible. Tell him I can't see
him now (Archives)•
•What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery. (Connie, 12)•
•What animals are the best educated? Fish, because they go around in
schools.. (Stan Kegel)•
•Why are cheetahs an endangered species? Because cheetahs never prosper.
 (Daily Groaner)•
•What did the paint give the wall on their first anniversary? A new
coat. (Syman Hirsch)•
•Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bell. Take these pills, and if they don't
help, give me a ring. (Douglas Helsel)  •
•What kind of bugs do you find in a graveyard? Zom-bees (Sara, 8)•
•Doctor, Doctor, for the past five years my wife has acted like a
chicken Why did you wait so long to see me?
Because we needed the eggs . (Stan Kegel)•
•How does a pair of pants feel when it is ironed? Depressed.. (Kids Jokes)•
•How does a witch tell time? With a witch watch.. (Kids Jokes)•
 •Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.
 (Douglas Helsel)  •
•What kind of waves are impossible to swim in? Microwaves. (Syman Hirsch)•
•This is a meal fit for a king -- Here, king! (Carol)•
•What do you call a canary that joins the Ice Capades? A cheep skate
(Lederer & Ertner) •
•What's the worst weather for mice? When its raining cats and dogs.  (
(Lederer & Ertner) )•
•Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth... (Archives)•
•How do you keep a rhinoceros from charging? Take away his credit cards.
(Allison, 10)•
•How can you make a soup rich? Add 14 carrots (carats) to it. (Kids Jokes)•
•What 8-letter word has one letter in it? Envelope.. (Stan Kegel)•
•What did the fisherman say to the magician? 'Pick a cod, any cod.'
(Syman Hirsch)•

                OTHER RIDDLES

•Why was the amoeba prison so small? Because it only had one cell (Jim Ertner)•
•What do you call someone who has just printed 1000 puns off the
Internet? Well e-quipped. (J.C. Pickett)•
•What did the exasperated tailor in ancient Rome say to the his customer
returning once again with the new torn Toga. Euripedes  Eumenides" (Todd Follansbee)•
•What do you call a dancing parrot's ballet skirt? A cocca-tutu
(Lederer & Ertner)   •
•Why doesn't anyone like to bury an elephant? Because it is a huge
undertaking. (Jim Ertner)•
•What did the leftover turkey say after it was wrapped up? Foiled again
(Jim Ertner)•
•What did one herring say to the other herring? Am I my brother's
kipper?  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
•What happened to the chicken that ate a racing form? The next morning
he was laying odds. (Jim Ertner)•
•Define "impeccable:  Something a chicken can't eat. (Jim Ertner)•

        TOM SWIFTIES:

•"And I couldn't get any tickets for Lloyd-Webber's epic Argentina
musical," Tom continued inevitably. (Mark Israel)•
•“Isn't that George Hamilton,” Tom said tangentially.(Stan Kegel)•
•"When I swore, my mother made me eat soap," said Tom zestfully. (Gill Krebs)•
•"You're a wicked glutton," Tom insinuated. (Mark Israel)•
•"Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.
(Stan Kegel)•
•"She must be wearing mink," Tom inferred (Mark Israel).•
•"I keep banging my head on things," Tom said bashfully.(Arco Max)•
•"I love watching the women ice skaters," said Tom figuratively. (Stan Kegel)•
•"What could be better than sitting by my miniature lake and listening
to the wind blow through the tree leaves?" asked Tom ponderously. (Gill Krebs)•
•"I gave the trousers to a silent clown," Tom pantomimed. (Stan Kegel)•
•"What I do best on a camping trip is sleep." said Tom intently. (Mark Israel)•
•"The car ran out of gas too soon," Tom said, preemptively (Damear A.
Dadabayev) .•
•"How do you like this negligee?" asked Mary transparently( Gill Krebs).•

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Date:    Wed, 28 Aug 2002 01:34:59 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: That's Some Pig!

        A Young Readers Guide to Charlotte's Web

        presented by The Pork Producer Advisory Council
        "Breakfast for you is heaven for a pig"
______________

Charlotte's Web: A reading adventure!

E.B. White's delightful book tells the tale of Wilbur, runt of the litter, who is saved
from certain death by Fern, the farmer's daughter.  Transferred to the well-managed
Zuckerman facility, Wilbur quickly makes friends with the clever spider, Charlotte—a
friendship that proves to be more precious than gold.  Weaving words in praise of Wilbur's
lush, porcine form into her web, Charlotte not only turns the benevolent attention of
Farmer Zuckerman towards Wilbur, but she also encourages Wilbur to fatten himself up.

Wilbur wins the ribbon at the county fair as the most plump and juicy pig, and he becomes
a local celebrity.  Charlotte, meanwhile, is spent from her efforts on Wilbur's behalf,
and she dies after laying an egg.  From her egg hatch hundreds of baby spiders, some of
whom agree to be Wilbur's friend now that their mother is gone.  And so as the book ends,
the circle of life goes on for Charlotte's children.  And if Wilbur is able to find a lady
pig and make some baby pigs, the great circle of life will move on for him, as well.  But
becoming a ham would be equally magical.

Many of you will be fascinated by the touching, if unusual, friendship between pig and
spider.  Others will be intrigued by issues of corporate pork production and swine
nutrition.  Whatever your interests, there is something in E.B. White's tender and
timeless classic to whet your appetite.
______________

TAKE A QUIZ!

1)  Many people say pigs, like Wilbur, aren't happy on farms.  But after reading
"Charlotte's Web" don't you think they are:

a.  happy
b.  really happy
c.  ecstatic
d.  feeling pretty good about it

2)  Imagine that Wilbur has snuggled up on your lap.  He is pure white, pink around the
ears and smooth as silk.  Which part of Wilbur would you like to eat first?  Describe.

3)  What kind of pig is Wilbur?
a.  Hampshire
b.  Berkshire
c.  Chester White
d.  delicious

4)  People eat pigs because:
a.  pigs want them to
b.  if we don't eat pigs, pigs will eat us
c.  what else are they for?
d.  they provide essential vitamins and nutrients unavailable in any other type of food
______________

LEARN NEW WORDS!

Baby back ribs - Wilbur doesn't need these anymore!  And don't forget to ask mom to buy a
bottle of Farmer's PrideTM Bar-B-Q Sauce!

Barbecue - Roasting meat slowly on a grill or a spit.

Denuded - Cuts of pork that have had all surface fat removed.  Slimming tactic popular
with clever pigs.

Kill floor - Comfortable, clean, spacious and with no piles of manure in sight, this is
where Wilbur should go.

Rendering - Using high heat to separate fat from animal cells.
___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___
by Grady Hendrix
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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