Digest for Tuesday, April 30, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 392 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Top 10 Signs of "Job Burn-Out"
  2. "It seems the old perfesser is missing," said MrsPerfesser guilelessly.
  3. Genesis rediscovered
  4. Little Johnny and the mortgage
  5. Short Letter
  6. Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
  7. Clean your act
  8. Silicon Valley Reboots
  9. Kiss Hanks ass < part 1 of 2; adult language; possibly off. to religious >


Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 07:20:48 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top 10 Signs of "Job Burn-Out"

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."

9.  Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
    scream,"Stop asking me all these damn questions!"

8.  Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7.  You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep
    because you just don't care.

6.  You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5.  Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4.  You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go
    off before your alarm does.

3.  You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2.  Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

 And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1.  You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 07:22:37 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "It seems the old perfesser is missing," said MrsPerfesser guilelessly.

MrsPerfesser says her husband watches too much Antiques Roadshow.
"He won't clean the house because he claims it will lose value!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

You'd think the old perfesser works for an airline... before he
leaves the office every day, he has to return his chair to its
upright position.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

"Oh, perfesser, I'm glad you got home!" said MrsPerfesser. "A
burglar broke into the house last night while I was sleeping."
"Oh my," said the old perfesser. "Did he get anything?"
"Well, yeah," said MrsPerfesser, "but only because I thought
it was you."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser asked me the other day if I'd loan him $20, but
only give him ten of it... That way, he'd owe me $10, I'd owe him
$10, and we'd be even.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

"My neighbors laughed at me when I built a bomb shelter under my
trailer," said the old perfesser. "Now I read that an asteroid's
coming and it's gonna hit Earth in 800 years. So who's laughing
now, hmmmmm?"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

MrsPerfesser was telling her friend Lobelia how she gets the old
perfesser out of bed in the morning.
"I just open the door and toss the cat on the bed... after the dog
goes in to lie with him."

I can't stop laughing....
I must be suffering from premature joke elation.
               - The Old Perfesser

This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 06:33:48 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Genesis rediscovered


So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.  God said, "This person
will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you
discover clothing she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree every decision you make. She will
bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle
of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and
will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've
had a disagreement.  She will never have a headache and will
freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked,
"What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history....

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 06:29:10 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Little Johnny and the mortgage

For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd love to give you a bicycle, but the mortgage on this house
is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard
you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself
with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 08:47:42 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Short Letter

This was probably one of the shortest letters in history.

 From a boy in summer camp to his father:

"No mon -- no fun.  Your Son."

His father's equally brief reply:

"So sad, too bad.  Your Dad."
Puns are for children, not groan readers.


 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 12:59:23 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
Found at http://bob.bob.bofh.org/~robm/manual/virus/gullibility.html

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question, every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:

The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List
Dr. Solomons Hoax Page
The Urban Legends Web Site
Urban Legends Reference Pages
Datafellows Hoax Warnings
Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as

Evaluating Internet Research Sources
Evaluation of Information Sources
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! Lots!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)


-=} Randall {=-  Intelligence has limits; gullibility does not.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 18:55:08 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Clean your act

  Like many San Franciscans, Kelly Bennett has grown used to seeing odd sights around his home.  There's the trash that regularly blows down 10th Avenue where he lives. There was the discarded mattress that Bennett tried to get the city to pick up,
only to have it become the sidewalk home for one of the neighborhood's homeless.
And then there was the garbage that the new homeless neighbor left in his wake.
   But none of that compared to the shock Bennett got the other night when he came home to find a bright red envelope waiting for him that read "Warning" from the Department of Public Works.
   The "warning" wasn't for the trash on the street, or about the makeshift homeless encampment that had sprung up on his doorstep.  It was a threat of a $500 fine -- if he didn't clean the "stains" on his sidewalk.  "Stains on the sidewalk! I mean, have you taken a look around the city lately?" Bennett said. "I thought it was a joke."  It wasn't.
   The befuddled Bennett called Public Works and was politely informed that, yes, the city was going to fine him $500 unless he cleaned up the sidewalk.  So he got some cleanser from the local automotive store, went out and scrubbed the sidewalk, hosed it down and watched while the whole mess drained into the patch around the tree outside his house.
   "With my luck," Bennett said, "it'll probably kill the tree."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, April 14, 2002+

Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Wed, 1 May 2002 00:51:30 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Silicon Valley Reboots

Devastated by the dot-com collapse, Silicon Valley is beginning to rebound.  Among the
signs of life:

  Drkoop.com planning moderately lavish re-launch party at San Maateo Days Inn

  Words "mindshare," "benchmarkable," "stickiness," and other cyber-jargon slowly
returning to conversations

  Phrase "Dot-Comback" spotted in "USA Today"

  Venture capital again available for rich kids with no real ideas

  Hardware Hints section of True Value website updated for first time since November 2000

  Jeff Bezos' "Time 'Man Of The Year'" plaque  retrieved from trash

  Segway sales up from three in 2001 to five in 2002

  Nesting birds shooed out of flooz.com office

  People once again unsure what exactly they do for a living
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
 Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Wed, 1 May 2002 01:55:43 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Kiss Hank's ass < part 1 of 2; adult language; possibly off. to religious >

This morning there was a knock at my door.  When I answered the door I found a well
groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi!  I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi!  We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?!  What are you talking about?  Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss
his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll
kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What?  Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist.  Hank built this town.  Hank owns this town.
He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he
can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift?  Don't you want a million dollars?  Isn't it
worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks
the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years.  She left town last year, and I'm sure she
got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to
anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave.  Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe
you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance?  And remember, if you
don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass.  Other times we kiss
Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours.  He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass.  All we
had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you
to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no!  Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing.
Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead.
There were eleven items listed:

    1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
    2. Use alcohol in moderation.
    3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
    4. Eat right.
    5. Hank dictated this list himself.
    6. The moon is made of green cheese.
    7. Everything Hank says is right.
    8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
    9. Don't drink.
  10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
  11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

( to be continued )

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index