Digest for Monday, April 29, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Energy Compromise Calls For Burning Fossil Fuels, Environmental Activists
  2. Sex Quotes......
  3. Big people words [One bad word]
  4. Pick-Up Lines
  5. Mountain Road
  6. Morals
  7. Pet Peeves of Dogs
  9. Public speaking
  10. The Slacker Track


Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 02:03:04 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Energy Compromise Calls For Burning Fossil Fuels, Environmental Activists

        Alternate "Green Fuel" Non-Renewable,
        But Won't Require Drilling

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com)  In a compromise that calls for the left and right to
work together, energy company executives today proposed burning both fossil fuels and
environmental activists, who officials estimated may be able to provide 2 percent of the
country's energy output "for a couple of hours, anyway."

"It doesn't sound like much, but I think the environmental lobby would agree that every
little bit helps," said Giles Fermat, president of the National Energy Producers
Association, which will voluntarily foot the bill to refit plants.

Environmentalists, however, were split over their use as so-called "green fuel."  In
California, Sierra Club spokesman Martin Gallagher blasted the proposal as "another
short-term fix" that would do little to decrease the nation's energy dependence.  Like
oil, he insisted, people who closely follow environmental issues are a non-renewable
source of energy.

"The burning of environmental activists will provide only a brief respite, and may
eventually discourage others from becoming environmental activists," said Gallagher.
"Once we've been depleted, what then?"

"Then we'll drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge," replied Fermat.

"Over my dead body!" countered Gallagher.  "Oh... right."

At an emergency meeting of Greenpeace, meanwhile, officers conceded the plan would
encourage the group's 2.5 million members to be "really, really active activists  well,
for a short while."  They also noted the alternative source of energy would not require
the harmful drilling or strip-mining used to extract other forms of fuel.

Several members, however, complained that vehicles used to transport activists to power
facilities would further pollute the environment.  The issue was settled when members
voted to walk to the plants.
___    ___    ___    ___    ___
Copyright  2002, SatireWire.

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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 07:12:21 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Sex Quotes......

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
                                           ....Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
 things that money can buy."
                          ....Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
                                                         ....Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
 experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
                                        ....Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't  have a good partner,
 you'd better have a good hand."

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
                                            ....Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for
 him to come out of the closet."
                              ....Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
                                                  ....Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
      ....Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't
 burdened with children."
                       ....Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
                                                      ....George Burns

"I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and sex was safe."

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
                                                        ....Matt Barry

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."

"My kid had sex with your honour student."
                                        ....Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the
 rest of your life."
                  ....Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
                                                       ....Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
                                                       ....George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are

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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 07:26:42 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Big people words [One bad word]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.  "I went to visit my
Nana."  "No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.  That's
WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read? "  Bobby thought
about it, then puffed out his little chest with great  pride  and  said,

"Winnie the SHIT."

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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 08:45:58 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Pick-Up Lines  <adult>


 - "Interested in serving HARD time?"

 - "Damn, you are sexy in stripes."

 - "Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded
    metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing
    shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

 - "Don't you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?"

 - "You know, normally I don't give in in the first 30 seconds, but I
    guess I'm just a sucker for sheer muscle mass."

 - "Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on the floor of my cell."

 - "Due to a recent execution, I now have an opening for my prison bitch."

 - "Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?"

 - "I've been watching you from across the yard for awhile now, and I
    knew if I didn't work up the courage to just walk over here and ask
    you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my life."

 - "Time, Love and Tenderness isn't just a Michael Bolton song, its my way
    of life."

 - "Bread, water or me?"

 - "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."

 - "Stop by my cell later for a Lethal Injection."

 - "Did you order the Soap Drop soup?"

 - "Wanna make license plates after dark?"

 - "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed
    knife wound."

 - "Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?"

 - "Cinemax3 is doing another one of those Women In Prison movies soon...
    Wanna audition in my cell?"

 - "You're new here... let me debrief you and introduce you to the
    penal system."

 - "Wanna attend a chain gang bang?"

 - "You look even better in person than you did on America's Most Wanted."

 - "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."

 - "You're getting your GED... wow, that makes me so H O T T !!"

 - "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel?' Because I've been digging you all night."

Prison Guards #1 Pet Peeve:
         Having to break up a fight in the shower.

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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 09:17:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Mountain Road

There was an Engineer, Manager, and a Windows Programmer driving
down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened
down the road out of control.   Half way down the driver managed
to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing
avoiding going over a cliff!

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but
otherwise unharmed.

The Manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a
committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous
improvement, develop a solution."

The Engineer said, "No that would take too long, and besides that
method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and
will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct

The Windows Programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we
should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens


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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 08:08:50 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Morals <humor - s**t word>

I received this story from a friend:

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when
she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the
irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.

She ate...and ate... and then she ate some more!!! Finally, she  decided
she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a
few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much
and could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant
situation she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against
the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just climb
up that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she
took a deep breath, spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the
air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...Dead

What is the moral of this sad story?  "Never fly off the handle when you
know you're full of shit."


And that story reminded me of this one:

Once there was a little bird who, being a lazy type, decided not to fly
South for the winter.  He figured with all the other birds gone, there would
still be enough to eat and he could save himself that long trip.  His
friends tried to talk him out of it, but he was adament.  They left, he

For a while it was swell.  There was enough food, the Fall season was milder
than usual, but, inevitably, the weather started to change.  It got colder
and colder and the little bird realized he had made a mistake.  So, with new
resolve, he decided to go South after all.  He took off early on a sunny
morning but before too long a weather front caught up.  It got dark, the
wind started to howl, and it began to sleet.  The little bird struggled
mightily, but, alas, it was too cold.  His wings started to ice up and,
finally, he fluttered to the ground.

He landed in an farm pasture.  As he lay there, trying to recover his
strength, he decided he was going to die.  Things couldn't get worse.
[Author's note:  NEVER challenge worse!  If you do, worse will come and dump
on you]  And just to pile indignity on top of misery, a cow walked by and
dumped a patty right on top of the bird.

But wait!  The patty was warm, and the little bird started to thaw out.  And
the storm broke and a bright ray of sunshine hit the field.  Things were
looking up!  The little bird, in his joy, straightened up and began to sing.
And as his joyous warbles wafted over the thawing field the farm cat heard
him, came over, dug him out and ate him.

Now, there are three morals to this story:

1.  Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy

2.  Not everyone who digs you out of a mess is your friend

3.  And if you are content sitting around in a pile of shit, just keep quiet
about it!

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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 10:41:02 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Pet Peeves of Dogs <adult>

  This message is in MIME format.  The first part should be readable text,
  while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
  Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=iso-8859-1
Content-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.1020429103201.2597C@grits.valdosta.edu>

1. You break off in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. You blame your farts on me.  NOT funny!

3. You yell at me for barking. I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!!

4. You naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
   while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a
   little like the cat's behind?)

5. You take me for a walk, then not let me check stuff out. Exactly
   whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. You yell at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy
   carpet then?

8. You get upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
   haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet, ...idiot!

9. You act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
   you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur I already have?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
    your stuff up when you're not home.

12. You pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far
    behind schedule that puts me?

13. You take me to the vet for "the big snip", then act surprised when
    I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a
    proud moment for the top of the food chain, you retard.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on messing with my mind?


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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 08:17:40 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: April 29th - FESTIVAL OF TRADITIONS <Adult>

Celebrate all traditions on this date.

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.  To keep tradition going,
everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row
and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of
each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.  The following
week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in
the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his
hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge ... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding
that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept
going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music
kept going and I was dancing to the third song ... when all of a sudden the
Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful
kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God ... that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT?!! He broke three of me friggin' fingers."

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 18:23:26 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Public speaking

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees, Darrell, to write him a punchy, 20 minute speech.  When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.  "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded.  "Half the audience walked out before I was finished."
   Darrell was baffled.  "I wrote you a 20 minute speech," he replied.  "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

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Date:    Tue, 30 Apr 2002 00:32:55 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: The Slacker Track

==  Want Ads for Truly Easy Jobs  ==

For bed and bedding display section of large department store.  Sleeps throughout the day
(9-5) in display model bed to demonstrate restful quality of mattresses.  Ability to
remain in state of deep slumber despite store lighting and ongoing background noise of
shoppers and sales staff.  Dreaming permitted.  NO nightmares, thrashing, bloodcurdling
screams.  Ability to go "out like a light" not required but desirable.  Seeking a true
self-stopper.  No drug users, snorers.

For national hotel chain.  Travels incognito to various cities and eats meals in hotel
restaurants.  Reports deviations from established food-quality standards to management.
Must eat three meals per day, including some room service dining.  Experienced eaters

Need healthy individual to serve as spokesperson/model client for HMO wellness center.
Seek an aggressively healthy individual, capable of "in-your-face" health.  Duties consist
of hanging around reception area looking healthy.  Occasional appearances at trade shows
and health fairs will require travel and competitive wellness (looking and acting
healthier than representatives of other HMOs).  Salary and benefits commensurate with
results of physical exam.  No sick days.

For nursery greenhouse.  Sits in easy chair inside greenhouse and inhales oxygen, exhales
carbon dioxide to enhance plant growth.  Eight-hour shifts: night and weekend shifts
available.  The plants don't care.  Overtime in summer.  Reading or sleeping on job OK!
Yoga experience a plus.  No drug users, asthmatics.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
by Craig Lambert
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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