Digest for Sunday, April 28, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 525 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Lettermans Top Ten Ways The Taliban Is Celebrating Their 10th Anniversary
  2. Walking to School
  3. Pastoral cleverness
  4. The devil in disguise
  5. Apr 28th - Conscientious Objector Day
  6. Wisconsin list
  7. Bad and worse news
  8. adult funnies
  9. Puns of the Weak 04/26/02 (Part 2)
  10. English football news
  11. Vomit vs. Dorm Food
  12. This Weeks Horoscopes


Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 02:02:03 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Letterman's Top Ten Ways The Taliban Is Celebrating Their 10th Anniversary

10. Wet-burqa contest

9.  Goat jumping out of a cake

8.  Ticking "Congratulations!" bouquet from Donald Rumsfeld

7.  Raffling off a busted TV

6.  Dinner at their favorite restaurant "Thank-Allah-It's-Friday"

5.  With the traditional tenth anniversary gift, sand

4.  Flying in Don Rickles to roast Osama

3.  Lively game of "Pin the Beard on the Deranged, Cave-Dwelling Madman"

2.  Serving a special dessert called "Death To America By Chocolate"

1.  Running for their lives
©MMII, CBS Worldwide Inc.

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 05:44:52 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Walking to School

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and,
being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he
started Kindergarten. She walked him to school a couple of days  but when
he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking
him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the big boys. He protested
loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow
her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely
notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that
since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way
for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day,
Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy
as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this
for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little
friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she
seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, have you
noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her? Timmy
nonchalantly replied, Yea, I know who she is. The little friend said,
well who is she? That's just Shirley Goodnest, Timmy said. Shirley
Goodnest, Who the heck is she and why is she following us? Well, Timmy
explained, every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers
'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says,
Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I
guess I'll just have to get used to it.

-=} Randall {=-  Anywhere's walking distance... if you have the time

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 07:08:27 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Pastoral cleverness

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door.
When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately
fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he
called the local sheriff and told him about the jackass lying before him.

The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I
thought the first duty of the Ministry was to bury the dead."

Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first duty of the Ministry
is to notify the next of kin."

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 09:56:03 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: The devil in disguise

The English professor was leading her class in a discussion of
Christopher Marlowe's _Doctor Faustus_, and she offered: "And
what about Mephistopheles, the devil? What do you imagine he
was like?"

One student suggested, "I'd think he would have to be the most
handsome man in the world, a true beguiler, a seducer who could
make you believe everything he said and do anything he wanted
you to do."

"Very good," approved the professor. "Sara, do you think that
you've ever run into the devil?"

"I'm not sure," said Sara, "but I believe I've dated several
of his sons!"

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 07:41:21 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Apr 28th - Conscientious Objector Day <Adult>

In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted
into the Army. As a result, he was later stripped of his boxing
championship. On May 7, 1967, he was indicted for refusing induction.

Two Military Police were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base.
The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated,
quietly reading a book. He pleaded with her, "Please Sister, hide me. The
Military Police are after me and I don't want to be drafted."

She quickly lifted her dress and instructed the draftee to hide underneath.
The two Military Police came by and asked if she had seen anyone running by.
She calmly replied, "No."

After they had left, she told the young draftee it was now safe to come out,
everything was okay. "Wow," he commented, "You have a nice set of legs, for
a Nun!"

She replied, "If you had reached up further, you would have also found a set
of balls. I don't want to be drafted either!!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If you think old soldiers fade away, you should watch one trying to get into
an old uniform.

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 02:14:19 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Wisconsin list

You know you are in Wisconsin when:
Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
You refer to the Packers as "we".
You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
You can identify an Illinois accent.
You know what cow-tipping is.
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your
Down South to you means Chicago.
A brat is something you eat.
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You consider Madison exotic.
You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
You know what a bubbler is.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
You know how to polka (and actually do sometimes).
Formal wear is blue jeans and a baseball cap.
You drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop".
You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.
You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New
    London & Poland all in one afternoon.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
The local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 4 pages for
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
You know what to do with a Blatz...
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
Wisconsin Friends.

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 13:45:19 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Bad and worse news

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   Phoning a patient, the doctor says, "I have some bad news and some worse news.  The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live."
   "That is bad news," the patient replies.  "What could be worse?"
   The doctor answers, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 11:29:40 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: adult funnies

What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
~ Wake her up first!

Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians?
~ There were no studs it was all tongue in groove.

What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
~ Two gays with hemorrhoids.

Why is death a lot like sex?
~ It feels funny for a second, but then it's over.

What is a Peter Pan?
~ A wash basin in a whorehouse.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
~ You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

Why do women like wearing black panties?
~ It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those
who were buried here."

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 14:39:32 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/26/02 (Part 2)


 •Said the judge to the accused, "My inclination is to find you guilty,
but hey, who am I to judge?"( Becky Shiles)•
 •When a college dormitory exploded, a lot of roomers were flying. (Bree Schultz)•
 •I thought i saw an eskimo optometrist but it was an optical aleutian
(Kim Evans)•
 •I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. (Art Donovan)•
 •A neighbor woman learned that I was studying folk music so she gave me
a guitar, no strings attached.  (WilliamJamesHolt)•
 •If you have a lot of rye, will it turn into rice? (Gail S. Angel)•
 •Twelve local charities, usually backing separate drives, united in a
way that put all their begs in one askit. (Cryptograms)•
 •“I get a poultry salary.” “You mean paltry.” “No, I mean poultry. Its
chickenfeed.”  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •I f the Ark landed in Transylvania, and the master joined the
aristocracy, would he be Noah, Count? (Alan B. Combs) •
 •Tellers with cuts on their hands that get infected by germs on the
money they handle get banker sores. ( Tiff Wimberly)•
 •Nursing mothers are usually good at self-expression. (Karen Hamilton)•
 •Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund? Or is
that stretching it a bit. (Norm Gilbert)•
 •I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah’s Witness said, “Can I talk to
you about God“ I responded. “Sure, what would you like to know?” (Stan Kegel)•
 •While others are inside sitting down, you will be outstanding. (Bree Schultz)•
 •During a tour of the pillow factory, I noticed that there were a great
many midgets.  I asked the tour guide why.  He replied that they were
downsizing. (Harold Clark)•
 •When I responded to an ad for a free psychic reading, she told me I
was the type of person who wants something for nothing. How could she
possibly know that? (Tom Sims)•
 •Bald guys never have a bad hair day.(Harold Clark)•
 •I had all my electric cords shortened to save on electricity. (Gracie Allen)•
 •When I was young and growing up and we saw 100 white men chasing 1
black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan. Today they call it the PGA
TOUR.  (Ron Klar)•
 •The union boss promised the janitors a sweeping change. (Harold Clark)•
 •My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind
to sue her. (Rubin)•
 •There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand
binary, and those who don't (Joke Master)•
 •People who live in glass houses have to answer the bell.  (Becky Shiles)•
 •A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat.
(Yiddish Proverb)•
 •Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons (Bree
Schultz).  •
 •"What kind of wedding is that?" "We call it a football wedding."
"What's a football wedding?" "She's waiting for him to kick off. (Ruth S Oshins)•
 •Of what question is the following the answer: "Washington Irving"?
"Who was the first President of the United States, Max?"  (Becky Shiles)•
 •Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread. (Bree Schultz)•
 •Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a
lawyer. (Harold Clark)•
 •Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease (Cathleen Shoemaker)•
 •Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had
gained a reputation for being a necromancer.  (Christian Francis Michael Alsis)•
 • A plateau is a high form of flattery. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •When I was little my mother would give us money for being good. My
brother was good for a  dollar and my sister was good for a quarter. Me?
 I was good for nothing! (Walt Holzhueter)•
 •To win a relay race, swimmers pool their efforts. (Harold Clark)•

                        FOR THE CHILDREN:

 •What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile? What's with the
long face? (Joke Master)•
 •What is the best time to see the dentist? At tooth hurty ((Erica, 6)•
 •Why shouldn’t you make a joke when you are ice fishing? Because the
ice may crack-up (Elview, 6)•
 •Why did Cinderella fall down at the ball? Because she was wearing
slippers. (Steve, 8)  •
 •Did you hear about the man who works like a horse, but only when his
boss rides him.  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •Why did the superstitious jockey race at only one race track? Because
he had a one track mind.  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •What do you use to mend a broken pizza? Tomato paste (Jenny, 10)•
 •Why do you look like a cub when you take a bath? Because you’re a
little bare. (Nikki)•
 •The exterminator lost his job because he bugged his boss. (Teahna)•
 •How did the lion make so much money? As a roar-to-roar salesman
(Jessica, 9)•
 •What part of the barn did the newlywed horses stay? In the bridle
suite  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •Did you hear about the magic Tractor? It turned into a field.
(Cathleen Shoemaker)•
 •Why is it cool to go to a baseball game on a hot day? Because there
are a lot of fans (Mary)•
 •Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because Bad News travels fast.
(Lederer & Ertner) •
 •What did one fish say when the other fish got hooked? That’s what you
get when you don’t keep your mouth shut. (Maria, 10)•
 •What is the hardest thing about falling off your bed? The floor
(Stephanie, 11)•
 •Teacher: “Why were you late for school today?” Student: “I was obeying
the sign that said ‘GO SLOW. SCHOOL AHEAD’.” (Tom)•

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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 10:04:48 +0800
From:    Michael ROBERTSHAW <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: English football news

Not sure how well our colonial friends will understand some of the references, but for fans of English soccer:

Gerrard Houlier was looking to sign some new players to help Liverpool's
title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for some new
talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18 year old striker and
immediately signs him on a 3 year deal. On getting back to England, Houlier
takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting
line up for the big home game against Arsenal.
The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as
Liverpool romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum
to tell her the good news.
"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves
me, the fans love me and the press loves me. Life is great!"
Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what
happened to us today? Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister
and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a
vicious gang of killers".
"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry"
"Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're f*cking sorry? It's
YOUR f*cking fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!!"

Brief definitions:
Gerrard Houlier is the manager of Liverpool Football Club - one of the top teams in England
Arsenal is another top team


Mike R

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 22:55:16 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Vomit vs. Dorm Food

20 Reasons Why Vomit is Better Than Dorm Food

  1. After you vomit, you feel better.

  2. You can vomit whenever you want.

  3. When you vomit, you don't have to wait in line.

  4. Vomit is always warm.

  5. You don't have to sneak vomit out of the cafeteria.

  6. When you're vomiting, a bent spoon is an advantage.

  7. You can lose weight vomiting.

  8. You don't have to pay to vomit.

  9. Vomit is SUPPOSED to look like that.

  10. When you vomit, you don't have to come back for seconds.

  11. You don't have to vomit everyday.

  12. Vomiting can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.

  13. You can vomit without a photo ID.

  14. Vomit is organic and biodegradable.

  15. They don't ration vomit.

  16. After you vomit, at least you know what you've eaten.

  17. Plastic vomit is funny; plastic dorm food is redundant.

  18. You don't have to vomit the same thing five days in a row.

  19. A dog will eat vomit.

  20. After you vomit, at least there's some taste in your mouth.

[Thanks to Irismist]


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Date:    Mon, 29 Apr 2002 01:39:31 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the
pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to
develop a revolutionary new type of container.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute
picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lampshades doesn't make
you an artist.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary
source of your happiness.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations
behind your choice of long-distance carriers.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater
near you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those
Chippendale dancers.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a
polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy.  Avoid this by
sticking strictly to watching TV.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more
interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You don't claim to know everything, but you're pretty sure that the illustrations in
Gray's Anatomy shouldn't make you hungry.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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