Digest for Saturday, April 27, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 299 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Debate Rages Over Doctor-Assisted Suicide Bombing
  2. The origins of Websters Dictionary
  3. The funeral
  4. Debtor
  5. just rewards
  6. Apr 27th - Opryland Day
  7. Relativity
  8. Motorcycle Accident
  9. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 02:03:03 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Debate Rages Over Doctor-Assisted Suicide Bombing

Jenin, West Bank (SatireWire.com)  Having nearly exhausted its supply of young martyrs,
the militant group Hamas today asked a Palestinian court to approve of doctor-assisted
suicide bombing, arguing that the elderly and terminally ill should be allowed to end
their lives with dignity, respect, and catastrophic destruction.

The request, which would permit doctors to prescribe explosives-laden vests for their
patients, horrified most Palestinians, and also drew criticism from the West Bank Martyrs
Local 572, which objected to the use of non-union personnel.

But family members of the old and infirm supported the proposal.

"My mother is 82, she is not well, and I don't want her to end her days in some
flea-bitten hospital," said Jamal Hawari of Hebron.  "I want her to die gloriously in,
say, a mall, or on a bus."
__
Copyright  2000-2002, SatireWire

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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 07:03:37 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The origins of Webster's Dictionary

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would
sit down and try to talk to his wife.  But as soon as he
would start to say something, his wife would say,
". . .And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 07:57:21 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: The funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, the coffin
was placed in front of a huge heart made of red flowers.

When the pastor finished his sermon, and after everyone had said their
good-byes to the deceased, the funeral director pressed a button, and the
large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.  Irritated
by his insensitivity, the man next to him asked,  "Why are you laughing?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,  "I'm a
gynecologist."

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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 06:58:30 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Debtor

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   It's 35 degrees below zero one winter night in Alaska.  Terence steps into the saloon, the wind howling through the door behind him, and orders a drink.  The bartender says to him, "You owe quite a bit on your tab."
   "Sorry," says Terence, shaking the snow off his parka.  "I'm broke this week."
   "That's okay," responds the barkeeper, "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe right here on the wall."
   "But I don't want my friends to see that," says Terence.
   "They won't," replies the bartender, "I hang your parka over it until it's paid."



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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 13:45:20 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: just rewards

Thanks to Martha for this jewel:

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into
Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship
that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let
him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really*
need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the
question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he
answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 12:54:39 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Apr 27th - Opryland Day <Clean>

Opryland opened in Nashville, Tennessee in 1973.

MUSICAL TERMS FREQUENTLY MISUNDERSTOOD BY C/W MUSICIANS
(With Their Translated "Country" Definitions)
12-Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck
on.
A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.
Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie.
Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes."
Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
Bass: The things you run around in softball.
Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.
Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.
Cadenza: That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when
company comes.
Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.
Clarinet: Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
Clef: What you try never to fall off of.
Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
Cut Time: Parole.
Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in
your pistol with.
Diminished Fifth: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
First Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
French Horn: Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4
a.m.
Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That
was a major scale!"
Melodic Minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.
Middle C: The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
Minor Third: Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal
schooling.
Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.
Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
Perfect Fifth: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle."
Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
Quarter Tone: What most standard pickups can haul.
Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.
Ritard: There's one in every family.
Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
Staccato: How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
Tempo: Good choice for a used car.
Time Signature: What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
Treble: Women ain't nothin' but.
Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
Original author unknown

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 14:20:29 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Relativity <Adult>

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly
irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from
the junior employees who couldn't resist mocking
his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall
to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head
while loudly exclaiming: "Feels similar to my wife's
ass."

A look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive
rubbed his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "it does..."
---
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His
wife doesn't want him and his mother won't take him
back.

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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 17:07:24 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Motorcycle Accident

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The
driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or
any buttons.  He stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't
drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards
to block the air from hitting him.  So they were driving down the
road and they came around this curb and wrecked.  The farmer that
lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"

The farmer replied, "Well, that first one was, at least until I
turned his head around the right way!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 28 Apr 2002 01:48:24 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  "Ally McBeal"  No amount of guest stars and gimmicks seemed to cure its anorexia
ratings.  It's as if no one cares about the problems of being well-off, skinny, and cute.

2)  Robert Blake:  He's been charged with murdering his wife.  Why did it take the LAPD so
long?  Oh yeah, he's white.

3)  "American Bandstand's" 50th anniversary:  It's hard to watch that first show.  Dick
Clark looks like he's 70.

4)  "Hawaii Five-0"  The long-running TV police drama may be made into a movie.  But
they'll film it in Vancouver to save money.

5)  "Life or Something Like It"  A bum tells Angelina Jolie that she'll die next Thursday.
A damn shame, but more important, what's the stock market going to do next Thursday?

6)  "Jason X"  The hockey-masked serial killer goes to space.  Half-naked teenage aliens
had better watch out.

7)  Taglines:  The coneshaped clay cooking pots from Morocco are the latest kitchen fad.
Rich people who don't cook will be the first to have them.

8)  Saddam Hussein:  A novel attributed to the sadistic dictator is now a play in Iraq.
Amazingly, it didn't get one bad review.

9)  Tonya Harding:  She's been charged with DUI.  Honey, you've got to park your mobile
home before you can drink in it.

10)  Queen Elizabeth II:  The sour-faced monarch agreed to kick off a nationwide Beatles
sing-along in June.  But they couldn't talk her into wearing go-go boots and a miniskirt.

11)  Courtney Love:  The remaining Nirvana members want her to get psychiatric testing.
That should patch up any hard feelings between them.

12)  Kentucky Derby:  They say my horse has a good chance of finishing first this year.
The problem is he started running last year.

13)  Valley of the Malls:  San Fernando Valley residents want to secede from L.A.  Let Los
Angeles get its own cultural attractions.

14)  Dream Street:  The parents of the teen singers claim the group's creators introduced
the boys to alcohol and sex.  Yeah, kids never hear about that kind of stuff on
television.

15)  Sequels:  Reprises of "Ocean's Eleven," "Seven," "The Thomas Crown Affair," and "Meet
the Parents" are being talked about.  "In the Bedroom II" will be called "In the
Bathroom."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright  2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

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